I’m very lame, I have few abilities, most people can do things and think things much more easily than I can. Maybe though, there’s a difference between doing things and thinking things, because I know that I can think things. Doing things, that’s where the friction resides. Why even say anything anymore? I’m always writing the same fucking thing, but it’s not that I want to convince you. No, I want to convince myself, I want to convince myself that I’m no good, that I’m inadequate. At least then I would “know”, and not be left with the stressful uncertainty of not knowing whether or not some motivation is locked away inside somewhere.

There never seems to be any certainties, inside the mind, the irrational mind. In rational thinking there’s certainty and uncertainty, but inside the mind there’s always a contradiction. Such is the explanation of “spirituality”. The spiritual thinker wholeheartedly rejects rationality, choosing instead to accept their intuitions, or their faith. I guess you could say that I’m a spiritual minded person in a way, if you frame it in the context of those terms. I always loathe the spiritual, but then again I always loathe myself; maybe there’s not even a correlation there and I’m just drawing one, but believe me or not, I think there’s a contradiction in there somewhere.

There’s a lot of questions I have for the world, none of them, however, seem pertinent to what I’m trying to talk about. Maybe I can elaborate on a couple points I made which I feel could be explained more. Why do I feel that I’m inadequate? A rhetorical question, I’m asking myself really. I could place blame (I do that indefatigably), but that doesn’t seem to get me anywhere. That’s to say, I’m not really inadequate, it’s just society that’s unfair; placing blame. I guess in a sense I do reject rationality, I reject the inevitable conclusions which a rational mind faces. However, my form of spirituality has a wholly negative effect on my emotional well being.

I think I have a real psychological illness. I seem to have the inability to give a fuck about doing anything. I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, though. To feel depressed, at least to me, is to be not in control of your emotions, to have them take over you. I feel emotions, but I still feel calmness and easiness in light of the heavier emotions I feel. It’s easy sometimes to feel that if only you were just trying, it would become very easy. I don’t think so, I think that it’s easy to fool yourself with that sort of thinking. How... to get yourself thinking the “right way”. Perhaps, the biggest paradox in it all, is that even though my thinking may be spiritual, religious, irrational, to think there’s a “right way” to think, in the context of a conscious mind, is also irrational.

There you go, I drew out the paradox which I was trying to get to before, when I said “ inside the mind there’s always a contradiction”. That’s not to say that an irrational mind is right, but there’s just no guide to thinking the “right way”. Even myself, who I consider wholly accepting of logic and rational thinking; I feel that inside of my own mind I think very irrationally. Even the rational concepts I work with seem wholly abstract, in terms of what my mind is really perceiving. I guess in that sense, I take the other option of a rational mind; I accept the uncertainty. That’s to say, the one thing we can truly know is that we don’t know. All thoughts eventually seem to break down into a strange primordial blob.