I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

🂿 · October 01, 2014, 09:00:44 PM

I'm beginning to lose it. I have over a million things to think about in my life and I can never rest because of it. I'm not even a busy person so to speak.

It's the same shit for me everyday. Nothing but getting on the internet. There is nothing new in my life. My town sucks, the people living in my town suck and there is nothing fun to do here, and having to put up with this crummy place since the day I was born makes me regret being alive if I can't even get off the ground and support my own ass by leaving.

Hell, I don't even know where I'm going with my life anymore. I at least go to college, but that's only 2 days a week for my digital sculpting and 3D Character Animation classes.

I'm still actively looking for a job but no one is calling back.

I remember why I used the internet to escape. Sadly it's a false escape. I just feel like I'm in limbo the entire time. Nothing ever seems to fracking change no matter what I try to do.

For fracks sake I can't even help people anymore with their own personal problems like I used to. I'm losing it!

I haven't been happy for a long time, I may have a few occasional laughs here and there but that's about it. I'm usually just bitter and mad mainly because a good amount of blows to the head will frack anyone's brain up. If not in a physical way then in a mental way. Perhaps both.

Growing up in middle school and being forced into becoming an outcast at 12-13, I wanted to kill myself. Because going to school everyday was fracking torture. Not because I had to learn no, but because I would get beaten up every fracking day. It was like prison minus the showers and minus staying there for 25 years to life. Hell if showers were mandatory in PE I'd probably get anally raped. And of course, the staff didn't do jack shit. If anything they would go against me saying that it's my fault.

So me being 13 and not knowing how much of life is out there, I honestly thought killing myself would be the perfect thing to do. If I didn't get any help I would have attempted it.

By the time I was in 8th grade and I was turning 14 soon, I just didn't care anymore. I couldn't put up with people's shit. I got really bitter and really mean, like how I am right now. This one kid decided it would be a good idea to make fun of me. I got so mad that I used my skull to headbutt him, hard.

Let's just say after that nobody fracked with me, expect for a few assholes that were to dense to get it. I got in trouble often in 8th grade, but I didn't care. I was hoping I'd get my ass expelled but no. Just a fracking referral and dentition.

After middle school I switched to independent study for 2 years to get my schooling done and then switched to a continuation high school in order to rack up on credits and graduate early.

And here I am now in adulthood. I feel like I've been through so much and have accomplished my escape from hell, but in reality I haven't accomplished jack shit. Aside from one Student Award that I earned during my high school graduation, if that even counts.

I feel worthless. Alone with my thoughts and half the time I even begin to annoy myself just for being me because throughout my life nearly everyone has found me to be a really annoying individual.

I'm looking back to my past thinking "Was it wrong that I made the choice not to kill myself and just suffer through hell?"

Nothing is obviously stopping me from killing myself right now, but I know it's not the answer as far as my adulthood goes. Maybe it was when I was a teenager, but I don't know about now.

No need to be alarmed if anyone cares, I'm not going to kill myself anytime soon. Though to be fair I do think about it often when I'm depressed.

I'm most likely going to get help if things don't get better for me.

What do you think Flood? I'm not asking for advice, I just need to kinda vent this out a little. If I'm asking for anything, it's your opinion really.

Isara · October 01, 2014, 09:05:43 PM

I do live in a similar town where there's nothing to do, and the people are quite backwards thinking. So, I familiarize with that. What I want to do is to move out. Perhaps, you should consider moving out when you are done with your classes? Maybe it sounds a little reckless, but that kind of stagnation you have right now, is worse than failing.

DAS B00T x2 · October 01, 2014, 09:05:44 PM

Hmm... tell me, do you have an Oedipus complex?

Septy · October 01, 2014, 09:08:05 PM

Move to a city.

🂿 · October 01, 2014, 09:09:29 PM

Quote from: Isara on October 01, 2014, 09:05:43 PM

I do live in a similar town where there's nothing to do, and the people are quite backwards thinking. So, I familiarize with that. What I want to do is to move out. Perhaps, you should consider moving out when you are done with your classes? Maybe it sounds a little reckless, but that kind of stagnation you have right now, is worse than failing.

I'm not failing my classes, I'm doing fine as far as school goes. I'd move out but I have no real income to support myself. I still live with my folks in an apartment because it's a struggling process.

If I could get a job that can at least pay the rent and bills, I'd be able to leave.

🂿 · October 01, 2014, 09:10:00 PM

Quote from: Septy on October 01, 2014, 09:08:05 PM

Move to a city.

Are towns and cities not the same thing? If not, I am in a city, and this city sucks.

🂿 · October 01, 2014, 09:10:28 PM

Quote from: DAS B00T x2 on October 01, 2014, 09:05:44 PM

Hmm... tell me, do you have an Oedipus complex?

I have no idea what the fuck that even is.

Septy · October 01, 2014, 09:13:17 PM

Quote from: Decimator Omega on October 01, 2014, 09:10:00 PM

Quote from: Septy on October 01, 2014, 09:08:05 PM
Move to a city.

Are towns and cities not the same thing? If not, I am in a city, and this city sucks.

Uh, do you live in an apartment or house?

🂿 · October 01, 2014, 09:16:34 PM

Quote from: Septy on October 01, 2014, 09:13:17 PM

Quote from: Decimator Omega on October 01, 2014, 09:10:00 PM
Quote from: Septy on October 01, 2014, 09:08:05 PM
Move to a city.

Are towns and cities not the same thing? If not, I am in a city, and this city sucks.
Uh, do you live in an apartment or house?

Apartment.

DAS B00T x2 · October 01, 2014, 09:17:41 PM

Quote from: Decimator Omega on October 01, 2014, 09:10:00 PM

Quote from: Septy on October 01, 2014, 09:08:05 PM
Move to a city.

Are towns and cities not the same thing? If not, I am in a city, and this city sucks.

You're in a city and you can't find things to do?

Septy · October 01, 2014, 09:18:51 PM

Quote from: Decimator Omega on October 01, 2014, 09:16:34 PM

Quote from: Septy on October 01, 2014, 09:13:17 PM
Quote from: Decimator Omega on October 01, 2014, 09:10:00 PM
Quote from: Septy on October 01, 2014, 09:08:05 PM
Move to a city.

Are towns and cities not the same thing? If not, I am in a city, and this city sucks.
Uh, do you live in an apartment or house?

Apartment.

Is it possibly to take more of your classes so you have less free time to fuck around? Or can you just take them for just those two days? I recommend keep looking for a job and get out of your apartment more.

🂿 · October 01, 2014, 09:22:56 PM

Quote from: DAS B00T x2 on October 01, 2014, 09:17:41 PM

Quote from: Decimator Omega on October 01, 2014, 09:10:00 PM
Quote from: Septy on October 01, 2014, 09:08:05 PM
Move to a city.

Are towns and cities not the same thing? If not, I am in a city, and this city sucks.
You're in a city and you can't find things to do?

That's correct. There is literally nothing good here anymore. My local video game store is even closing down so I can't even get rare deals or find rare items anymore.

I'd watch a movie but I don't have any friends that would want to go and the theaters half the time get crowded or the movie sucks. That or some idiot has his cellphone on.

The mall is shit. Used to be okay but now it's just shit. I'd go on but I think you'd get the point. After 21 years this place is really going downhill. I'd go far to another city mainly the one that is close to mine to see if it's mall still has it's local Arcade open (Arcades are dying btw) but it's too much of an effort really.

🂿 · October 01, 2014, 09:32:07 PM

Quote from: Septy on October 01, 2014, 09:18:51 PM

Quote from: Decimator Omega on October 01, 2014, 09:16:34 PM
Quote from: Septy on October 01, 2014, 09:13:17 PM
Quote from: Decimator Omega on October 01, 2014, 09:10:00 PM
Quote from: Septy on October 01, 2014, 09:08:05 PM
Move to a city.

Are towns and cities not the same thing? If not, I am in a city, and this city sucks.
Uh, do you live in an apartment or house?

Apartment.
Is it possibly to take more of your classes so you have less free time to frack around? Or can you just take them for just those two days? I recommend keep looking for a job and get out of your apartment more.

Well if the fucks didn't cut my Financial Aid because of one shitty professor messing me shit up (it's a long story and requires a huge wall of text that I'm not in the mood to post right now) I would take more classes, and I had more planned out this semester when I thought I was getting my aid back, but no.

I need the Aid to pay for my shit, and one of the classes was a photography class and I didn't like the idea of borrowing really expensive equipment. I don't trust myself with it.

The only reason why I have my digital sculpting class and 3D character animation class is because I already have everything I need for it. I have a Wacom Tablet and I own Autodesk Mudbox and Maya educational versions which is what the school uses, it's the free full version for students. Only catch is I can't make money off the assets I create because it's under an educational license, which lasts for a good 3 years for each new version released.

I've taken 3 game development classes and my freaking college doesn't have any certificate or degree specifically for it. I doubt such a thing even exists, but if it does, they don't offer it. Since I already took the first Photoshop class, Introduction to Maya, and Digital Sculpting 1 (I'm taking 2 now, all with the same instructor in the same room mind you, same goes with 3D Character animation. Nice guy, really laid back professor) I don't have many requirements left for an animation certificate. All I would need is to take some art and drawing classes along with either organic or inorganic modeling as far as requirements go, so I've been thinking about doing that, that is if I'll be allowed to serve 2 semesters again after the Spring semester of next year is over.

Risay117 · October 01, 2014, 09:33:30 PM

Honestly i had nearly the same problem, and well i got bored, and so decided if things are not interesting why not make things interesting yourself.

Just talk to a random girl or guy and see how things go. With friends do something stupid. Try something out. Honestly if life is boring for me i need to make it interesting. Just make sure you do not cause and serious issues with other people.

Risay117 · October 01, 2014, 09:34:53 PM

Also if you are in North America want to come to banff to skii during the winter. Honestly i have little care in the world for this. But if it can pull you out of your depression it might help.

🂿 · October 01, 2014, 09:36:16 PM

Quote from: Risay117 on October 01, 2014, 09:33:30 PM

Honestly i had nearly the same problem, and well i got bored, and so decided if things are not interesting why not make things interesting yourself.

Just talk to a random girl or guy and see how things go. With friends do something stupid. Try something out. Honestly if life is boring for me i need to make it interesting. Just make sure you do not cause and serious issues with other people.

I judge people too quickly and quite harshly at times, so I don't know how that would play out.

🂿 · October 01, 2014, 09:37:15 PM

Quote from: Risay117 on October 01, 2014, 09:34:53 PM

Also if you are in North America want to come to banff to skii during the winter. Honestly i have little care in the world for this. But if it can pull you out of your depression it might help.

I live in Southern California so yeah, I am in North America.

Money is an issue right now. I can't really travel anywhere.

Risay117 · October 01, 2014, 09:39:16 PM

Quote from: Decimator Omega on October 01, 2014, 09:36:16 PM

Quote from: Risay117 on October 01, 2014, 09:33:30 PM
Honestly i had nearly the same problem, and well i got bored, and so decided if things are not interesting why not make things interesting yourself.

Just talk to a random girl or guy and see how things go. With friends do something stupid. Try something out. Honestly if life is boring for me i need to make it interesting. Just make sure you do not cause and serious issues with other people.

I judge people too quickly and quite harshly at times, so I don't know how that would play out.

Do not judge them, pretend it is improv and just talk about something, let them be stupid and play along with their stupidity. They say something stupid well you just make a comment or try to make them dig a bigger hole for themselves. Just pull them out before hand.

Honestly do not judge, people are idiots, well most are, so just talk to someone, ask stupid questions, usually the general questions then try to bring up a topic that you think you or anyone can comment alot about and let them go all out. Control yourself and then you start going into it. Later just ask them for coffee or maybe a game of soccer or something.

Kinder Graham · October 01, 2014, 09:41:55 PM

Not to make it sound like I'm being a dick, but what do you got to loose? It sounds like nothing to me. Just do what you want to do and if that means leaving your town and moving to somewhere else, then just do it. You have one shot at life so take risks and enjoy the rewards from it

🂿 · October 01, 2014, 09:42:26 PM

Quote from: Risay117 on October 01, 2014, 09:39:16 PM

Quote from: Decimator Omega on October 01, 2014, 09:36:16 PM
Quote from: Risay117 on October 01, 2014, 09:33:30 PM
Honestly i had nearly the same problem, and well i got bored, and so decided if things are not interesting why not make things interesting yourself.

Just talk to a random girl or guy and see how things go. With friends do something stupid. Try something out. Honestly if life is boring for me i need to make it interesting. Just make sure you do not cause and serious issues with other people.

I judge people too quickly and quite harshly at times, so I don't know how that would play out.
Do not judge them, pretend it is improv and just talk about something, let them be stupid and play along with their stupidity. They say something stupid well you just make a comment or try to make them dig a bigger hole for themselves. Just pull them out before hand.

Honestly do not judge, people are idiots, well most are, so just talk to someone, ask stupid questions, usually the general questions then try to bring up a topic that you think you or anyone can comment alot about and let them go all out. Control yourself and then you start going into it. Later just ask them for coffee or maybe a game of soccer or something.

Yeeeeah about that.... I'm not fond of stupidity at all. I only cringe when I'm forced to witness it. That or I just shake my head in disappointment followed by a quiet double facepalm.

🂿 · October 01, 2014, 09:45:46 PM

Quote from: Kinder_ on October 01, 2014, 09:41:55 PM

Not to make it sound like I'm being a dick, but what do you got to loose? It sounds like nothing to me. Just do what you want to do and if that means leaving your town and moving to somewhere else, then just do it. You have one shot at life so take risks and enjoy the rewards from it

It's not so much of what I've got to lose, it's mainly what can I gain? My outlook on reality is a really negative one, and I still mange to cover up my own problems by helping friends I know online or IRL with there's. Usually telling them that there has to be a light to the end of that tunnel.

Well, I don't know if there is a light to the end of my tunnel or a brick wall honestly.

Relatively Quiet · October 01, 2014, 09:50:15 PM

I think, in everybody's life, at some time or another, we all get into a low spot. And things look bad. They always do. But you can't let yourself sink. If I know one thing in my life, it's that change can happen quickly. Good or bad. If you've got the guts to stand up and make the changes you want to see, then things will start to move forward. It's a lot like walking. One foot in front of the other. And you keep going, taking another step.

If you're feeling really bad, don't let yourself go silent. Seek help.

Kinder Graham · October 01, 2014, 10:02:44 PM

Quote from: Decimator Omega on October 01, 2014, 09:45:46 PM

Quote from: Kinder_ on October 01, 2014, 09:41:55 PM
Not to make it sound like I'm being a dick, but what do you got to loose? It sounds like nothing to me. Just do what you want to do and if that means leaving your town and moving to somewhere else, then just do it. You have one shot at life so take risks and enjoy the rewards from it

It's not so much of what I've got to lose, it's mainly what can I gain? My outlook on reality is a really negative one, and I still mange to cover up my own problems by helping friends I know online or IRL with there's. Usually telling them that there has to be a light to the end of that tunnel.

Well, I don't know if there is a light to the end of my tunnel or a brick wall honestly.

Well what do you have to gain with the way you're living now? That's just my input on life

🂿 · October 01, 2014, 10:07:39 PM

Quote from: Relatively Quiet on October 01, 2014, 09:50:15 PM

I think, in everybody's life, at some time or another, we all get into a low spot. And things look bad. They always do. But you can't let yourself sink. If I know one thing in my life, it's that change can happen quickly. Good or bad. If you've got the guts to stand up and make the changes you want to see, then things will start to move forward. It's a lot like walking. One foot in front of the other. And you keep going, taking another step.

If you're feeling really bad, don't let yourself go silent. Seek help.

Hmm. You have a pretty good point actually. It's not so much the guts to stand up. It's more of a how really. I just need to know what I would exactly need to stand up to, and I don't know what that is yet. Thanks for the response btw.

🂿 · October 01, 2014, 10:12:12 PM

Quote from: Kinder_ on October 01, 2014, 10:02:44 PM

Quote from: Decimator Omega on October 01, 2014, 09:45:46 PM
Quote from: Kinder_ on October 01, 2014, 09:41:55 PM
Not to make it sound like I'm being a dick, but what do you got to loose? It sounds like nothing to me. Just do what you want to do and if that means leaving your town and moving to somewhere else, then just do it. You have one shot at life so take risks and enjoy the rewards from it

It's not so much of what I've got to lose, it's mainly what can I gain? My outlook on reality is a really negative one, and I still mange to cover up my own problems by helping friends I know online or IRL with there's. Usually telling them that there has to be a light to the end of that tunnel.

Well, I don't know if there is a light to the end of my tunnel or a brick wall honestly.
Well what do you have to gain with the way you're living now? That's just my input on life

Hmmm. True.

Well, the other struggle that I deal with is an over protective family really. When I actually was spending time with a friend that obviously they have not met, my mom wouldn't stop fucking calling me often. It got annoying really fast. Mainly if it's out at night.

That's only part of the problem though. The other part of it is laziness at times.

Relatively Quiet · October 01, 2014, 10:13:01 PM

Quote from: Decimator Omega on October 01, 2014, 10:07:39 PM

Quote from: Relatively Quiet on October 01, 2014, 09:50:15 PM
I think, in everybody's life, at some time or another, we all get into a low spot. And things look bad. They always do. But you can't let yourself sink. If I know one thing in my life, it's that change can happen quickly. Good or bad. If you've got the guts to stand up and make the changes you want to see, then things will start to move forward. It's a lot like walking. One foot in front of the other. And you keep going, taking another step.

If you're feeling really bad, don't let yourself go silent. Seek help.

Hmm. You have a pretty good point actually. It's not so much the guts to stand up. It's more of a how really. I just need to know what I would exactly need to stand up to, and I don't know what that is yet. Thanks for the response btw.

There you go! You have to find something that you enjoy, and hang on to it! Chase after it and don't let go. If you use your head, you'll find a way out. You just need to keep your eyes peeled for what you need.

Risay117 · October 01, 2014, 10:35:08 PM

Quote from: Decimator Omega on October 01, 2014, 09:42:26 PM

Quote from: Risay117 on October 01, 2014, 09:39:16 PM
Quote from: Decimator Omega on October 01, 2014, 09:36:16 PM
Quote from: Risay117 on October 01, 2014, 09:33:30 PM
Honestly i had nearly the same problem, and well i got bored, and so decided if things are not interesting why not make things interesting yourself.

Just talk to a random girl or guy and see how things go. With friends do something stupid. Try something out. Honestly if life is boring for me i need to make it interesting. Just make sure you do not cause and serious issues with other people.

I judge people too quickly and quite harshly at times, so I don't know how that would play out.
Do not judge them, pretend it is improv and just talk about something, let them be stupid and play along with their stupidity. They say something stupid well you just make a comment or try to make them dig a bigger hole for themselves. Just pull them out before hand.

Honestly do not judge, people are idiots, well most are, so just talk to someone, ask stupid questions, usually the general questions then try to bring up a topic that you think you or anyone can comment alot about and let them go all out. Control yourself and then you start going into it. Later just ask them for coffee or maybe a game of soccer or something.

Yeeeeah about that.... I'm not fond of stupidity at all. I only cringe when I'm forced to witness it. That or I just shake my head in disappointment followed by a quiet double facepalm.

Let stupidity surprise you. It is i believe the unique thing about us humans. We could be rational beings and make the most obvious safe choices but we do not. And that is what makes us unique. We are all idiots, me you everyone.

Honestly talk with a couple of these guys or girls popular or not, just talk to them, not in a romantic way but just ask them questions about what they have on them, try to write notes down about people, and find out what is important to them and why they do not know certain things. I cringe at stupidity and all i do is mianly just force a smile and look down. Move the topic away from the stupid point. They are not worth a fight over.

Just look down and then move the topic away. Honestly ask yourself if you are stupid or not, talk about stupid things. Go out with friends and have a bunch of activities. Not only on the computer. Go on a hike or swimming one day. Work out. etc. Not sure how to help you. But honestly people will not change and you will not make friends by being in your comfort zone. Get out and see how the world is.

🂿 · October 01, 2014, 10:56:50 PM

Quote from: Risay117 on October 01, 2014, 10:35:08 PM

Quote from: Decimator Omega on October 01, 2014, 09:42:26 PM
Quote from: Risay117 on October 01, 2014, 09:39:16 PM
Quote from: Decimator Omega on October 01, 2014, 09:36:16 PM
Quote from: Risay117 on October 01, 2014, 09:33:30 PM
Honestly i had nearly the same problem, and well i got bored, and so decided if things are not interesting why not make things interesting yourself.

Just talk to a random girl or guy and see how things go. With friends do something stupid. Try something out. Honestly if life is boring for me i need to make it interesting. Just make sure you do not cause and serious issues with other people.

I judge people too quickly and quite harshly at times, so I don't know how that would play out.
Do not judge them, pretend it is improv and just talk about something, let them be stupid and play along with their stupidity. They say something stupid well you just make a comment or try to make them dig a bigger hole for themselves. Just pull them out before hand.

Honestly do not judge, people are idiots, well most are, so just talk to someone, ask stupid questions, usually the general questions then try to bring up a topic that you think you or anyone can comment alot about and let them go all out. Control yourself and then you start going into it. Later just ask them for coffee or maybe a game of soccer or something.

Yeeeeah about that.... I'm not fond of stupidity at all. I only cringe when I'm forced to witness it. That or I just shake my head in disappointment followed by a quiet double facepalm.
Let stupidity surprise you. It is i believe the unique thing about us humans. We could be rational beings and make the most obvious safe choices but we do not. And that is what makes us unique. We are all idiots, me you everyone.

Honestly talk with a couple of these guys or girls popular or not, just talk to them, not in a romantic way but just ask them questions about what they have on them, try to write notes down about people, and find out what is important to them and why they do not know certain things. I cringe at stupidity and all i do is mianly just force a smile and look down. Move the topic away from the stupid point. They are not worth a fight over.

Just look down and then move the topic away. Honestly ask yourself if you are stupid or not, talk about stupid things. Go out with friends and have a bunch of activities. Not only on the computer. Go on a hike or swimming one day. Work out. etc. Not sure how to help you. But honestly people will not change and you will not make friends by being in your comfort zone. Get out and see how the world is.

True. I do talk to girls often at my school though. But it's usually a random chat. Sometimes there are some really nice older women in there 50s, but that's a rarity.

I've never had a problem talking to girls. The only reason why I don't bother asking any out is usually because they already have a boyfriend. Rejection doesn't bother me, hell, I rejected girls in high school that asked me out because I just wasn't interested in any of them. They were all into really hardcore shit that I wasn't into anyhow, like all sorts of drugs and rave parties. Just no.

Well my life has had a slight turn just now. I got a letter saying that my financial aid has been reinstated. I'm going to get my aid.

challengerX · October 02, 2014, 05:19:38 AM

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Flee · October 02, 2014, 07:13:38 AM

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