Depression Vent(Yeah I know)

Sandtrap · July 28, 2015, 10:48:48 PM

I've been running around all over lately. I'm on my week off here and I still can't seem to catch a break. Running around and I'm working in a million little pieces all at once. Anyway. I've had docs checking in on me and all that stuff and a while back I got in touch with a psychologist. Anyway.

No surprise there after all this time, doc says I've got chronic depression after our talks. I can't say that I'm surprised. But it's strange to hear it out loud. To sort of officially christen it with a title and make it known. I've been fighting it on my own for years. And of course, since me and the doc discovered it we've been working out stuff to try and curb it, at least.

But, at the same time, here I am. I don't want to fight with it anymore. I've given it everything I have. And it's just not a simple on off switch. When it comes, it comes, and nothing stops it. And now that it's got this official sort of title to it. I'm fucking tired of it. And, naturally, with my tendency to adamantly stay away from people, with my ability to write.

I just bleed. It bleeds into my writing, it bleeds into my head and just takes a wrench and destroys everything. And the only people I can talk to, really, are acquaintances on the internet. Guess what happens there? I just bleed out over and over and over again with no god damn end in sight and the people I call friends call it quits because they can't take it, and try as hard as I can, I can't put a stop to it.

It's just, always there. I give myself every fucking reason not to give in and this still pushes me over without effort. I'm tired of it. It sucks all my willpower away and it just feeds itself. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I don't know how I can fight it. I'd say that it's pissing me off but all it really does is just make me sad. God dammit.

I'm aware of it. I've been fighting it off for years. And....I don't even know what to say. It's not a victim complex. It's like.....nothing. I just go straight down. And everything feeds it. This isn't a whiny-pity type deal kind of talk. I don't want pity and I'm not searching for it.

But....this is crushing to me. I'm lost on ideas and willpower here no matter where I turn. This shit just shows up and makes a mess of me as it pleases. And the only reason I'm saying this right now is because of my tendency to write freely, which is both a blessing and a curse because I just bleed all over the place in my writing, basically.

Do whatever you want with this thread. Tell your own stories of depression. Say stupid shit or insults or whatever. I just needed to put this out there because I refuse to shoulder it on anybody else directly but I can't keep it locked up either. Move it, lock it, do as you please, whatever.

More Than Mortal · July 28, 2015, 11:04:46 PM

I know from experience that the need to vent during times of depression will often push people away. But fuck it, man. If you need to vent, both Mr P and I--what with our experience of depression--will understand and will read what you write. I'm sure a lot of others will too, at least on the Serious board. It's like a hunger that won't give in until you satiate it. Well, I guess that's depression in a nutshell: something that'll try and fucking eat away at you.

Although it's kind of funny how you venting has resulted in a shorter post than usual.

🍁 Aria 🔮 · July 28, 2015, 11:09:52 PM

I can relate to the feeling of every thing that happens feeding back into that vacuous, insatiable thought process behind the crippling emptiness. I'm not going to even try to give advice, because from my experience and what I've seen of you, they'd just be pointless words. No "it'll get better", "fake it 'til you make it", or "hold your chin up". Because at the end of the day, you've ground your teeth down to the gumline and any thought is an alternation of numbness or tears catching in your throat.

I will say that continuing on is a challenge, and I'll congratulation anybody who doesn't shrink from it. So props to fuckin' you, man. You've made it this far, no sense in stopping in the middle of the road.

eggsalad · July 28, 2015, 11:21:58 PM

I wish I shot myself 4 years ago when I had my thumb on the trigger. Life hasn't gotten better and it's only getting worse. My family guilt trips me into staying alive and I fucking hate them because of it and for making this all happen in the first place.

Verbatim · July 28, 2015, 11:27:00 PM

Some folks feel like they've been born in the wrong body--I feel like I was born in the wrong universe. A godawful shitstain of a universe where everyone who inhabits it remains glibly and complacently content with nearly every aspect of it. They contribute nothing and they take everything. And I never asked to be here.

i haven't been professionally diagnosed yet, but a number of users have taken notice--i'm depressed as fuck

though, chances are, there's probably something wrong with you if you're not

Verbatim · July 28, 2015, 11:38:14 PM

And here's the disgusting part, to me--some people criticize my philosophies not on their merits, but how they make them feel. Emotionally.

That's how I suspect most people react to anti-natalism when they first hear about it.
"But we can't go extinct! The thought of it makes me sad and worried, so it must be a bad idea!"

But then they'll go on to give me this pseudo-psychoanalysis, where they'll tell me all about how I need to start adhering to "happier", more "optimistic" philosophies.

It's like people don't even know what philosophy is.

It's a description of reality.
There are accurate descriptions of reality, and inaccurate descriptions of reality.
It doesn't matter how it makes you feel.

Groot · July 28, 2015, 11:38:37 PM

Quote from: Verbatim on July 28, 2015, 11:27:00 PM

Some folks feel like they've been born in the wrong body--I feel like I was born in the wrong universe. A godawful shitstain of a universe where everyone who inhabits it remains glibly and complacently content with nearly every aspect of it. They contribute nothing and they take everything. And I never asked to be here.

i haven't been professionally diagnosed yet, but a number of users have taken notice--i'm depressed as fuck

though, chances are, there's probably something wrong with you if you're not

Ignorance is bliss.

More Than Mortal · July 28, 2015, 11:39:40 PM

Quote from: Verbatim on July 28, 2015, 11:27:00 PM

though, chances are, there's probably something wrong with you if you're not

This is a pretty interesting perspective; depressive realism, I think it's called. There's obviously a deeply delusional aspect to some kinds of depression like bipolar, probably MDD, atypical depression, PMD et cetera.

But when it comes to things like chronic depression and dysthymia, it wouldn't at all surprise me if realism is a big part of it.

Verbatim · July 28, 2015, 11:41:56 PM

It's why I often say that, when it comes to the optimism/pessimism dichotomy, pessimism is the rational outlook.
Even though it's often described as irrational.

Realism, of course, being the pseudo-intellectual meme outlook.
Realism is for pessimists who lack the cock to just admit that they're pessimists.

More Than Mortal · July 28, 2015, 11:44:51 PM

Quote from: Verbatim on July 28, 2015, 11:41:56 PM

It's why I often say that, when it comes to the optimism/pessimism dichotomy, pessimism is the rational outlook.
Even though it's often described as irrational.

Realism, of course, being the pseudo-intellectual meme outlook.
Realism is for pessimists who lack the cock to just admit that they're pessimists.

Pretty much, but it's only a relevant distinction to make when talking to optimists. So far, this thread is full of pessimists.

Making it a safe haven for the actual realists.

R o c k e t · July 29, 2015, 01:00:14 AM

A friend of mine has chronic depression, tried to kill herself a few days ago.
It's really rough, and I wish I could just make it known how much these people who suffer matter.

But this isn't about how you think. It's how you feel, and that feeling of worthlessness just shows up. There is no rationality to it, you can even know 100% that it is not true, yet, it still does its damage.

All I can say is, never forget that there are people who value you Sandtrap.

eggsalad · July 29, 2015, 01:05:24 AM

Quote from: Rocketman287 on July 29, 2015, 01:00:14 AM

A friend of mine has chronic depression, tried to kill herself a few days ago.
It's really rough, and I wish I could just make it known how much these people who suffer matter.

But this isn't about how you think. It's how you feel, and that feeling of worthlessness just shows up. There is no rationality to it, you can even know 100% that it is not true, yet, it still does its damage.

All I can say is, never forget that there are people who value you Sandtrap.

If there's anything I could wish for, it'd be that people would stop caring for me. I have enough to worry about already, having to consider how others will react to things concerning me is just...stressful. I feel like if I was left in a vacuum, where I could finally just kill myself and there'd be no repercussions, no one would care and it would all be over, I wouldn't even want to anymore. Because then I'm not being forced to live by others.

I wish I could say this to my parents, but of course it would leave them dejected and emotionally distraught, so I guess I'll just continue feeling these things for their sake. Which just feels cruel to me, considering they are the ones who chose to make this all happen.

R o c k e t · July 29, 2015, 01:08:59 AM

Quote from: eggsalad on July 29, 2015, 01:05:24 AM

Quote from: Rocketman287 on July 29, 2015, 01:00:14 AM
A friend of mine has chronic depression, tried to kill herself a few days ago.
It's really rough, and I wish I could just make it known how much these people who suffer matter.

But this isn't about how you think. It's how you feel, and that feeling of worthlessness just shows up. There is no rationality to it, you can even know 100% that it is not true, yet, it still does its damage.

All I can say is, never forget that there are people who value you Sandtrap.
If there's anything I could wish for, it'd be that people would stop caring for me. I have enough to worry about already, having to consider how others will react to things concerning me is just...stressful. I feel like if I was left in a vacuum, where I could finally just kill myself and there'd be no repercussions, no one would care and it would all be over, I wouldn't even want to anymore. Because then I'm not being forced to live by others.

I wish I could say this to my parents, but of course it would leave them dejected and emotionally distraught, so I guess I'll just continue feeling these things for their sake. Which just feels cruel to me, considering they are the ones who chose to make this all happen.

I wish that wasn't a burden. I wish knowing you were valued would be the thing that gave you that push to overcome that depression, but it's not so simple unfortunately. It's just a mess.....

Sandtrap · July 29, 2015, 01:12:57 AM

Quote from: Meta Cognition on July 28, 2015, 11:04:46 PM

I know from experience that the need to vent during times of depression will often push people away. But fuck it, man. If you need to vent, both Mr P and I--what with our experience of depression--will understand and will read what you write. I'm sure a lot of others will too, at least on the Serious board. It's like a hunger that won't give in until you satiate it. Well, I guess that's depression in a nutshell: something that'll try and fucking eat away at you.

Although it's kind of funny how you venting has resulted in a shorter post than usual.

I'm trying to keep my head on straight. I made a heavy effort to get my point across here without losing my marbles. I appreciate the offer though. But, like I said. I refuse to dump it on anybody. I've lost people over this.

Figured I could trust them, of course, I could. They listened. But you open up a floodgate. Everybody has their limits right? I mean fuck. If I'm the one venting because I can't handle it, then how are they supposed to handle it? But, I pushed everybody away now anyway. If there's anything I always try to stand buy, it's not dumping my garbage on other people, even friends.

But again. Thanks.

Sandtrap · July 29, 2015, 01:48:25 AM

Quote from: Rocketman287 on July 29, 2015, 01:00:14 AM

A friend of mine has chronic depression, tried to kill herself a few days ago.
It's really rough, and I wish I could just make it known how much these people who suffer matter.

But this isn't about how you think. It's how you feel, and that feeling of worthlessness just shows up. There is no rationality to it, you can even know 100% that it is not true, yet, it still does its damage.

All I can say is, never forget that there are people who value you Sandtrap.

I certainly don't. I never have. When I get down, I don't lose any sense of self worth. I just...get down. Everything just loses its strength to me. I don't lose any sense of self worth because I don't have any. I never have. In fact I think it's the only thing that's kept me going over time.

I've looked at it, and I've studied it. But I'm reluctant to tell any docs about it, or close people in person. Mainly because both would try to change it. And personal people in my life. Well, I couldn't do that to them. Wouldn't want to see the reaction on their faces and I wouldn't want to make them feel so astronomically shitty.

And see, that's my point.

I have no self worth of myself. But I put worth in people and what I can do for them. I can't say that I hate myself because I don't think I have the stomach to hate anything. But, I don't like myself very much.

And that's what's always given me the extra boot in the ass to keep going. I have never, ever, in my life met any pain or obstacle in my way that I didn't go through, because of how much I care for others around me. It's what keeps me on my feet.

Because if I keel over or just sit down and give up, nobody is going to do the job that I do. Nobody's going to step in place and fill my shoes, and do what I can do, to the extent that I do it, or for the reasons that I do it.

Personally, I don't think I ever will quit. Not as long as I have somebody in my sights that I can take care of or help. But, what bugs me now, is that I will never be rid of this. It'll be here with me, every single day, every single night. I'll have to fight to keep it in check, and hidden from friends so I don't pull them down with me.

I'll have to put up with this feeling, until I die. Depending on how much time I'm granted by whatever other cancers choose to persist with me as I get older, that could be a long time.

Personally, it doesn't add to my list of cheerful things to wake up to in the morning. And some days, I honestly wish I was as stupid as people have called me, because then I'd be happily content and unaware of the ugly, but finer details in things.

Epsira · July 29, 2015, 01:58:57 AM

Story

I was hospitalized three months ago because I thought killing myself was imminent (which was true, but I also did it to get extensions on school projects). Right before I was hospitalized I didn't think of killing myself when I was depressed and angry, but even from neutral states because I thought it was imminent and sensible. I don't even consider killing myself to be sad, it's an alternative to an imposed existence I have little agency to change.

When I was hospitalized I was diagnosed with a few mental disorders and transferred to a psych ward. The nature of confinement and routine was maddening, the patients ranged from lizard-people conspiracy theorists who believed they were doing business research to medicated zombies.
I didn't like the doctors there. Time was short with all patients and communication suffered. I made contrary cases for the diagnoses they posited without substantial testing, and was largely ignored. I was recommended medications I could refuse with the risk of being detained longer, so I took them and lost my mind for parts of the day. There are few things I'm afraid of losing. Mental clarity is certainly one of them.

I felt curiously capable and motivated, despite medications and treatment by staff. There was nowhere for me to run to, no distractions to sidetrack me.
I thought about why I was the way I was, what I wanted to do, and how I could do it. I mainly did this because I understood then that if I didn't do something people would retain influence over me and my interests and I'd never freely pursue what I truly desire. So I fought.
I fought in the meetings to earn the respect of every staff member and the other patients.
I fought with my failing brain to focus on my personal work.
I fought with the doctor (though he was never the wiser) and earned his praise so I could be released earlier.
And I was. This could have been the worst point of my life, yet it has so far been a beneficial shift overall.

Practical Piece

I realized every pathological thought functioning against my goals were a conditioned behavior dependent on developed associations and stimulant-induced basis, and that I could identify stimulants and their reactions to figure out what affects me specifically and how to interrupt/reverse the process. So I went back through my life and identified every effective period where pathological psycho-physiological processes became entangled with my ideals and goals. I'm still working on both the approach I use for reconditioning and what neurological networks I should develop (and how) to progress with what I desire, how I desire to.
This is how I'm starting to develop characteristics that make me functional for my desires.
If anyone's interested, I'll share whatever I have with them. It's really good to have another viewpoint for proper evaluation too, so I'd be pretty thankful for it.

I'm not bothered by PMs either, so if you want (or need to), message me.

Sandtrap · July 29, 2015, 03:15:29 AM

Well, I'll take Meta's offer up. But I'll just ramble to myself in here I guess. Thank you to the folks who talked back. Under other circumstances, I'd try to say something back. Never was a fan of making something and not responding to folks who posted in it.

But, I can't be arsed to say much of anything. Danka for the talking though. I appreciate it.

Naru · July 29, 2015, 04:30:34 AM

Quote from: Epsira on July 29, 2015, 01:58:57 AM

Story
I was hospitalized three months ago because I thought killing myself was imminent (which was true, but I also did it to get extensions on school projects). Right before I was hospitalized I didn't think of killing myself when I was depressed and angry, but even from neutral states because I thought it was imminent and sensible. I don't even consider killing myself to be sad, it's an alternative to an imposed existence I have little agency to change.

When I was hospitalized I was diagnosed with a few mental disorders and transferred to a psych ward. The nature of confinement and routine was maddening, the patients ranged from lizard-people conspiracy theorists who believed they were doing business research to medicated zombies.
I didn't like the doctors there. Time was short with all patients and communication suffered. I made contrary cases for the diagnoses they posited without substantial testing, and was largely ignored. I was recommended medications I could refuse with the risk of being detained longer, so I took them and lost my mind for parts of the day. There are few things I'm afraid of losing. Mental clarity is certainly one of them.

I felt curiously capable and motivated, despite medications and treatment by staff. There was nowhere for me to run to, no distractions to sidetrack me.
I thought about why I was the way I was, what I wanted to do, and how I could do it. I mainly did this because I understood then that if I didn't do something people would retain influence over me and my interests and I'd never freely pursue what I truly desire. So I fought.
I fought in the meetings to earn the respect of every staff member and the other patients.
I fought with my failing brain to focus on my personal work.
I fought with the doctor (though he was never the wiser) and earned his praise so I could be released earlier.
And I was. This could have been the worst point of my life, yet it has so far been a beneficial shift overall.
Practical Piece
I realized every pathological thought functioning against my goals were a conditioned behavior dependent on developed associations and stimulant-induced basis, and that I could identify stimulants and their reactions to figure out what affects me specifically and how to interrupt/reverse the process. So I went back through my life and identified every effective period where pathological psycho-physiological processes became entangled with my ideals and goals. I'm still working on both the approach I use for reconditioning and what neurological networks I should develop (and how) to progress with what I desire, how I desire to.
This is how I'm starting to develop characteristics that make me functional for my desires.
If anyone's interested, I'll share whatever I have with them. It's really good to have another viewpoint for proper evaluation too, so I'd be pretty thankful for it.

I'm not bothered by PMs either, so if you want (or need to), message me.

Jesu Christ, man

Lord Starch · July 29, 2015, 05:33:00 AM

No offense but there's a lot of cringe in this thread. Some of yall need to just get off the internet and reevaluate how you live your lives. Or work on self esteem.

Verbatim · July 29, 2015, 07:45:51 AM

Quote from: Lord Starch on July 29, 2015, 05:33:00 AM

No offense but there's a lot of cringe in this thread. Some of yall need to just get off the internet and reevaluate how you live your lives. Or work on self esteem.

Wow! It's like after reading this post, all of my problems just seem so small and insignificant! Thanks, Lord Starch! You know, you should tell this to everyone with depression! "Reevaluate how you live your life" and "Work on self-esteem!"

No, really, that's absolutely beautiful. Put that shit on a fucking T-shirt.

Quote from: Lord Starch on July 29, 2015, 05:33:00 AM

"Reevaluate how you live your life"
- Lord Starch

Maybe put them on some offshoot of the Livestrong bracelets. That'll sell millions!

Quote from: Lord Starch on July 29, 2015, 05:33:00 AM

"Work on self-esteem"
- Lord Starch

If I'da known it was all that simple, I woulda stopped being depressed YEARS ago! You're going places, man. You're gonna be the next Dr. Phil. I mean, everything you said--it's all so nuanced, so erudite, so considerate of the complexity of the issue, but most of all, it's... Fucking retarded. I mean, wow.

It's this sort of glib, vapid ignorance that only makes me hate people even more--Self-esteem is probably the last thing I need to "work on". Whatever the fucking fuck that even means. "Work on self-esteem"? Please, describe to me in your own words what you THINK that means. It'll be hilarious.

Needless to say, your post lacks the substance, sophistication, and tact required to tackle such an issue.

This is the exact type of mongoloid idiocy that I was trying to preempt.
What are you accomplishing by posting this utter shit here? Wait, don't answer that--I already know.

Never post on this board again.

challengerX · July 29, 2015, 07:57:51 AM

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Mr. Psychologist · July 29, 2015, 08:01:31 AM

Verb must be an immigrant because he just took muh damn jerb.

Verbatim · July 29, 2015, 08:06:31 AM

i probably went in a little too hard, but fuck that pissed me off

Mr. Psychologist · July 29, 2015, 08:16:49 AM

Quote from: Verbatim on July 29, 2015, 08:06:31 AM

i probably went in a little too hard, but fuck that pissed me off

Yeah I mean a year or two ago I'd probably have gone in with the same vigour because it really did/kinda still does rustle my jimjams but nowadays I'd rather just point out to people how flawed that attitude is when approaching mental illness.

eggsalad · July 29, 2015, 09:07:17 AM

Quote from: challengerX on July 29, 2015, 07:57:51 AM

Quote from: eggsalad on July 28, 2015, 11:21:58 PM
I wish I shot myself 4 years ago when I had my thumb on the trigger. Life hasn't gotten better and it's only getting worse. My family guilt trips me into staying alive and I fucking hate them because of it and for making this all happen in the first place.
Edgy

it sounded a lot more sobby and less indignant in my head I swear

Sandtrap · July 29, 2015, 10:56:38 AM

Quote from: Lord Starch on July 29, 2015, 05:33:00 AM

No offense but there's a lot of cringe in this thread. Some of yall need to just get off the internet and reevaluate how you live your lives. Or work on self esteem.

I'd like to say something here, on that. Every factor taken into account, all things considered, I think it's safe to say something here. Out of all the various stuff I walked out of, I came out about as successful as I could. I care about people around me, I've got a hell of a lot of drive, and I do a decent enough job living up to my silent code of morals. In a sense, you could say that I'm happy and well off, all things considered.

Of which, I can at least appreciate good and happy moments when they come. I actively do things that I enjoy, if luck would have it eventually I'll have my own home to live in on my own land, and yada yada.

And yet here I am. I get pulled down into the dumps and I'm even actively aware that I'm depressed. Not to discredit you, actually, because that's how you pull yourself up out of most depressions.

You re-evaluate yourself and make changes. You raise your self esteem up. Of which I did both of, several years back. Of which I constantly try to do in the present. And yet I'm still here in this mess. To put it simply, it's not so simple. It's not as easy as one two three hey I'm an okay normal functioning human being now.

challengerX · July 29, 2015, 11:04:14 AM

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More Than Mortal · July 29, 2015, 11:07:30 AM

Quote from: Lord Starch on July 29, 2015, 05:33:00 AM

Some of yall need to just get off the internet and reevaluate how you live your lives. Or work on self esteem.

Fuck you, you ignorant cunt.

How the fuck would "re-evaluating" my life have made me any less depressed? Do you even understand how suicidality works in most cases? What the hell else is deciding to kill yourself if not a fucking re-evaluation? It's not a matter of willpower or self-esteem, it's a matter of fucking perception. You wouldn't sit down with a schizophrenic and tell them to focus more on reality, what a fucking stupid thing that would be to say.

Sandtrap · July 29, 2015, 11:28:52 AM

Quote from: challengerX on July 29, 2015, 11:04:14 AM

I do wonder if I have PTSD though to be serious.

I know ya most likely won't answer, but where do you think you'd have picked up something like that? And yeah, I know. I set myself up for Deeez Nuts. But, being serious here.

challengerX · July 29, 2015, 11:30:01 AM

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