[Psykana] Hyperbole and a Half - Depression

 
 
Mr. Psychologist
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[Sort of Repost Note: Whilst these weren't strictly posted under Psykana, they are some of the most invaluable comics I have ever found on the internet. Everyone should read them <.<]

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/depression-part-two.html



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The angel agreed to trade a set of white wings for the head of another demon. Overjoyed, the demon killed one of his own and plucked the head right off its still-warm body.

The angel then led the demon to heaven, where he underwent centuries of the cruelest tortures imaginable. Finally, the pain was so great that he lost consciousness - at which point his dark wings turned the promised shade of white.
I dont really have anything to say other than that this one always cracks me up.
Kinda true on my part maybe thats why.


 
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Almost always, with moderation
I dont really have anything to say other than that this one always cracks me up.
Kinda true on my part maybe thats why.

Exactly how I'd think you would look.


 
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Yeah I don't get it. Unless it's some sort of mental disease and changes the balance of chemicals and doesn't allow you to feel certain feelings or any at all, seems like a bunch of babies.

Because I've lived through a lot of shit, and I've never felt like that. I just don't understand it.

Then allow me to explain. I could tell you all about my first depression. But I won't. I'm going to tell you about this one, that sits with me, here and now. Some sensible part of me is still knocking around, and I'll do my best to explain things.

Fall is a bad month for me. The lighting, and the weather, the smell, and the way everything looks gets me down. Usually, I'm okay with this until winter rolls in. It's what I call an outside depression. It's environmental, not internal. But lately, I've had one bad thing after another happen. I appreciate life. And I try to remain optomistic. But sometimes, under everything, you struggle to. Challenger, I'm a few steps away from being in the financial shitter. I mean, a month or less and my house and work residence will be seized because debts are climbing faster than we can pay them, and popping up when more things go wrong.

And I'm trying my best. But it's not enough. I'm caught. But that isn't the point here. The point is, I'm going through what I went through several years ago. And despite how familiar I am with this, it's beating me.

Depression, from a logical standpoint, by all means should come from a chemical inbalance in your brain. It has to have a central, physical root. But it doesn't feel like that. It feels like, an outsider, inside of you. Always there, always watching, and always dissecting things, so that it can turn them around on you.

Did you know, that I'm aware that I'm depressed? I can see where I'm going, I can see what's coming, and despite me trying to change or prepare for things, I can't fight it. It's like beating your head against a wall. My emotions are going around me on strings, a vicious cycle now.

You say it seems like "a bunch of babies." I've gone through a horrible life. I've seen my fare share of bad things. And let me tell you, all that is irrelevent to me. You aren't sad over anything. You're sad, because you're sad. That's how it starts out. But as time goes on, you start to turn on yourself.

Right now, I'm angry. I'm angry that despite my best efforts, I can't change things. I'm angry that the only true way out will destroy me. And I'm angry at people. See, I've been through all this before. And right now, I'm trying to fight it. God am I trying. I'm actually reaching out to people, anybody that will listen. I'm so desperate, that despite my introverted nature, I'm reaching out to any that I can.

But it's a mistake. Because when they're not there, I get angry. I ask myself why even bother having all these fucking people around if none of them are even here for me? They don't talk to me, they don't reply to me. I'm just talking to a wall. So I start shutting people out instead.

And it goes around like this, with everything. Everything I do, goes out there, and comes back around at me.

I went for a walk a few nights ago. I almost climbed up the old radio tower that I used to, when I was in deepest. But I decided not to. So I sat, on the edge of my town, on the edge of the last lamp post, and looked out into the dark. I wanted to walk off into it. I just wanted to leave, and see how far I could make it. And now I realize how far I've fallen in a few short weeks.

I'd like to explain something to you, about what happens when you're in the deepest parts of depression. When you're so down, and everything is grey, lacking feeling and point, one thing exists. One last thing exists. Death.

At that point, death is a song. A call. But it's more than that. It's the only thing with colour. It's the last, great mystery. The wonder, and promise of what could potentially lie on the other side, something better, something beyond this grey world and a life of yours that's useless. And if it's not, you still win. You go to sleep, and you never wake up. It's inviting. It embraces you.

And this, left its mark on me. I'm fascinated by death. But I know I have to be extremely careful, because of how vulnerable I am right now.

My point to all this challenger, is that depression does not choose people. Anybody can fall into it. It doesn't matter your position in life, who and what you are, and who and what you've seen. When it arrives, and takes a hold of you and starts feeding off your vices and doubts and insecurities and rage, it doesn't matter if you've "seen some hard shit" or the hardest thing you did this morning was polish your nails. It doesn't matter. Becuase it will destroy you.

I want you to think about this. Right now, as I type this, there is a rational side to me. It's still here. I can smile, I can take joy from things. I even know that I'm depressed. I'm trying to fight this and I thought that I could because I've seen and been through all this before. And right now, right alongside me is that piece of darkness hovering right over my shoulder.

I want to delete this post because it sounds stupid. I'm sitting here, right now, and I know that I'm depressed. And there's nothing I can do. I can smile and laugh all I want, but by the end of the day, I'll have slipped further. Because when you're depressed, you just do. You fall despite everything. You fall, simply because.

And to be honest, I'm terrified. I can see what's coming every step of the way. And I'm fighting my hardest not to let things fall apart. But it's like trying to stand up and walk against an avalanche. I'm fighting to keep everything together and it falls apart, just because it can.

That's what depression is.


 
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This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper.
Yeah I don't get it. Unless it's some sort of mental disease and changes the balance of chemicals and doesn't allow you to feel certain feelings or any at all, seems like a bunch of babies.

Because I've lived through a lot of shit, and I've never felt like that. I just don't understand it.
Depression affects some people more than others and in different ways.

It's incredibly surprising I got depression, and yet it was different to the way most people seem to experience it.

Basically, I think there is some sort of neurochemical imbalance which can make people more or less prone to it.


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Depression is something that people don't understand unless you've dealt with it first-hand, including myself. Friends and family have struggled with it, but I've never had it myself, so it still doesn't make sense. That's not to say that I don't think it's a serious, legitimate issue


 
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I didn't mean someone who's in a position like you. You have every reason to be depressed.

My point is, there's these kids that have a great life and are "depressed". I don't think they really are and they're probably doing it for attention.

And apart from this discussion, I've felt what you're feeling. I've been in that financial gutter. I had the same thing happen in my youth. Stick it out man. I'm still here, you're gonna be here too. It's just not even about optimism, because I know what that looks and sounds like when you're feeling like this. It's just the inevitability.

Maybe so. A lot of society has that today. People faking cancer to get money over the internet. Those fake SJWs and their "triggers."

But depression affects everyone differently. Some will react in different ways. Most of all, with depression, it's important not to take lightly. If somebody says they're going to off themselves, you take it seriously, no matter who and what they are.

And if they're faking, they'll get in shit.

A few months ago, I stumbled into a thread with somebody asking for help. They said they had somebody on their end of things who was threatening to commit suicide. I won't let names out, but Psychologist was there. He gave me a hand with things.

Long story short, I called the police, since the guy on the other end was in Canada, and we got the neccessary information and I gave it to the folks in Nova Scotia.

Was that person suicidal, and depressed? Maybe not. But if they weren't, they'll pay for taking advantage of that, no doubt. So to those that fake it, play their game, and spring the trap on them.


 
 
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Depression is something that people don't understand unless you've dealt with it first-hand, including myself. Friends and family have struggled with it, but I've never had it myself, so it still doesn't make sense. That's not to say that I don't think it's a serious, legitimate issue

This is pretty much it, the biggest problem with depression is that it's such an alien mindset that unless you have gone through it yourself it's very hard to properly understand. It's not hard to learn about it, to study it or to be supportive of people with it but understanding it is very difficult.


 
 
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Yeah I don't get it. Unless it's some sort of mental disease and changes the balance of chemicals and doesn't allow you to feel certain feelings or any at all, seems like a bunch of babies.

Because I've lived through a lot of shit, and I've never felt like that. I just don't understand it.

The shortest answer I can give over this, outside of getting off my ass and finishing the second thread on depression which is supposed to help clear things up >.>, is the following.

For some people, they are born with a predisposition to depression. This is where the biological/genetic factors come in as a primary cause, it's not like you will be born miserable by any means but it is set off more easily than in others.

Same sort of thing with Schizophrenia, but Depression can have many more causes than simply genetics/biology (But it plays a significant role in it).

So if you take someone who is born with that predisposition and throw them through the wringer, then the chances are they will end up with depression. It can also happen in people who aren't born with that predisposition but are thrown through a specific line of shit (Basically not every trial and tribulation has the potential to trigger depression, but I find that it tends to be a sustained pressure that causes it rather than multiple incidents of shite.)

You add so much pressure to the canister that it's at breaking point, but rather than it exploding as you would expect (Going postal etc) the top flies off and all the pressure vanishes leaving a void. That void is what sucks you in and keeps you there until you can break out of it yourself, but by yourself it's pretty much impossible - Hence the need for help with a lot of people.

I know that's not exactly brief but it might clear things up a little, and I'll start actually working on Part 2 rather than procrastinating for 6 months again >.>


 
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Yeah I don't get it. Unless it's some sort of mental disease and changes the balance of chemicals and doesn't allow you to feel certain feelings or any at all, seems like a bunch of babies.

Because I've lived through a lot of shit, and I've never felt like that. I just don't understand it.

The shortest answer I can give over this, outside of getting off my ass and finishing the second thread on depression which is supposed to help clear things up >.>, is the following.

For some people, they are born with a predisposition to depression. This is where the biological/genetic factors come in as a primary cause, it's not like you will be born miserable by any means but it is set off more easily than in others.

Same sort of thing with Schizophrenia, but Depression can have many more causes than simply genetics/biology (But it plays a significant role in it).

So if you take someone who is born with that predisposition and throw them through the wringer, then the chances are they will end up with depression. It can also happen in people who aren't born with that predisposition but are thrown through a specific line of shit (Basically not every trial and tribulation has the potential to trigger depression, but I find that it tends to be a sustained pressure that causes it rather than multiple incidents of shite.)

You add so much pressure to the canister that it's at breaking point, but rather than it exploding as you would expect (Going postal etc) the top flies off and all the pressure vanishes leaving a void. That void is what sucks you in and keeps you there until you can break out of it yourself, but by yourself it's pretty much impossible - Hence the need for help with a lot of people.

I know that's not exactly brief but it might clear things up a little, and I'll start actually working on Part 2 rather than procrastinating for 6 months again >.>

Everything starts collapsing in on itself. At first there's emotions, frustration, anger, self pity, and then comes not-caring. You get tired of things. You look at the state of it all, and you're just, tired. You want it all to stop and end. And then it does. Everything gets wittled down piece by piece, until there's nothing left for you but, as I said, death itself.


 
 
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Everything starts collapsing in on itself. At first there's emotions, frustration, anger, self pity, and then comes not-caring. You get tired of things. You look at the state of it all, and you're just, tired. You want it all to stop and end. And then it does. Everything gets wittled down piece by piece, until there's nothing left for you but, as I said, death itself.

Yup :l
I've been down that road, but I managed to break off the path courtesy of a Psychologist and a NaSSA prescription >.> I really don't want to go back to the way I was, but it wouldn't surprise me if there is a relapse further down the line.

I really would recommend going to see someone, if you haven't already, because there just isn't a way to beat it on your own.


 
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Everything starts collapsing in on itself. At first there's emotions, frustration, anger, self pity, and then comes not-caring. You get tired of things. You look at the state of it all, and you're just, tired. You want it all to stop and end. And then it does. Everything gets wittled down piece by piece, until there's nothing left for you but, as I said, death itself.

Yup :l
I've been down that road, but I managed to break off the path courtesy of a Psychologist and a NaSSA prescription >.> I really don't want to go back to the way I was, but it wouldn't surprise me if there is a relapse further down the line.

I really would recommend going to see someone, if you haven't already, because there just isn't a way to beat it on your own.

The last time I faced it, I did. I got up, on my own, and did things by myself. I had no one else to do things but me.

But this time is different. It's too fast. Believe me, I've considered it. But my province has an issue of distance. And another problem. We don't have people who can help with that sort of thing. In our entire province, there are literally 12 people who specialize in that sort of thing. 12. And they're overworked, over tasked, and most of all, too far for me to reach.

Whether I like it or not, I have no choice but to do what I've always done. Do it myself, and alone.


 
 
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Everything starts collapsing in on itself. At first there's emotions, frustration, anger, self pity, and then comes not-caring. You get tired of things. You look at the state of it all, and you're just, tired. You want it all to stop and end. And then it does. Everything gets wittled down piece by piece, until there's nothing left for you but, as I said, death itself.

Yup :l
I've been down that road, but I managed to break off the path courtesy of a Psychologist and a NaSSA prescription >.> I really don't want to go back to the way I was, but it wouldn't surprise me if there is a relapse further down the line.

I really would recommend going to see someone, if you haven't already, because there just isn't a way to beat it on your own.

The last time I faced it, I did. I got up, on my own, and did things by myself. I had no one else to do things but me.

But this time is different. It's too fast. Believe me, I've considered it. But my province has an issue of distance. And another problem. We don't have people who can help with that sort of thing. In our entire province, there are literally 12 people who specialize in that sort of thing. 12. And they're overworked, over tasked, and most of all, too far for me to reach.

Whether I like it or not, I have no choice but to do what I've always done. Do it myself, and alone.

Damn :l

Sorry to hear that, it's such a frustratingly common occurance for there to only be a handful of MHPs to cover vast areas/populations. *sigh*
What about your GP/Family Doctor? They are usually able to help with this sort of problem to some degree, even if they aren't fully specialised in it. They can usually do an assessment or organise one and then prescribe a medication as a trial run, it could help take the edge of things at least.


 
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Everything starts collapsing in on itself. At first there's emotions, frustration, anger, self pity, and then comes not-caring. You get tired of things. You look at the state of it all, and you're just, tired. You want it all to stop and end. And then it does. Everything gets wittled down piece by piece, until there's nothing left for you but, as I said, death itself.

Yup :l
I've been down that road, but I managed to break off the path courtesy of a Psychologist and a NaSSA prescription >.> I really don't want to go back to the way I was, but it wouldn't surprise me if there is a relapse further down the line.

I really would recommend going to see someone, if you haven't already, because there just isn't a way to beat it on your own.

The last time I faced it, I did. I got up, on my own, and did things by myself. I had no one else to do things but me.

But this time is different. It's too fast. Believe me, I've considered it. But my province has an issue of distance. And another problem. We don't have people who can help with that sort of thing. In our entire province, there are literally 12 people who specialize in that sort of thing. 12. And they're overworked, over tasked, and most of all, too far for me to reach.

Whether I like it or not, I have no choice but to do what I've always done. Do it myself, and alone.

Damn :l

Sorry to hear that, it's such a frustratingly common occurance for there to only be a handful of MHPs to cover vast areas/populations. *sigh*
What about your GP/Family Doctor? They are usually able to help with this sort of problem to some degree, even if they aren't fully specialised in it. They can usually do an assessment or organise one and then prescribe a medication as a trial run, it could help take the edge of things at least.

No family doctor either. This town has only one doctor. And he's overworked completely. Afraid he doesn't have much time to sit down and talk. If I booked him in, chances are I'd have to wait for a month or two before I got in.

And I've been down that road before. I tried the pills. They buggered things up. But I always have one last line. If I fall far enough, I still have enough common sense to call someone who can talk me out of things. One person who I can listen to clearly no matter how skewed things are.

If I fall far enough, I'll call them.


 
 
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No family doctor either. This town has only one doctor. And he's overworked completely. Afraid he doesn't have much time to sit down and talk. If I booked him in, chances are I'd have to wait for a month or two before I got in.

And I've been down that road before. I tried the pills. They buggered things up. But I always have one last line. If I fall far enough, I still have enough common sense to call someone who can talk me out of things. One person who I can listen to clearly no matter how skewed things are.

If I fall far enough, I'll call them.

Damn, well I hope things work out for you. And it's good that you do have a fallback plan :l