I'm stuck in that perpetual cycle of depair that keeps me from trying to change anything because it all seems pointless. Quit my job like a year ago due to depression and dissatisfaction, and despite urgings to get another, I've never tried. Ever since my dad died (a fairly complex relationship in itself) I've been sort of lost and falling deeper into that abyss of self-loathing that I kept out of mind for years.

I'm the kind of person who brushes off personal issues behind good/dark humor and apathy, which unfortunately only pushes people away. My last girlfriend dumped me because I never took our problems and my own issues seriously, but I'm not sure what I could have done; I've got so many issues that it's best to just keep sweeping it all under the rug and pretending said issues don't exist.

A few months ago I started cutting, just to remind myself that I'm still alive and that the blood is proof of that. Always thought it was stupid, things for moronic kids to do to grab someone's attention, but it did help until I realized how fucked up it was. I've since stopped, but I can't escape those feelings that I'm not living for anything. All those times in my childhood and adolescent years where I tried killing myself aren't just things that didn't happen. Medication and hospitals don't work. I don't have any friends. I don't feel as if I have purpose.

To sum it all up, aside from a handful of internet buddies I hope to meet one day, I'm pretty much alone.

I always regret sharing this stuff. It feels whiny, goes against the light hearted person I present myself as, but I'm just looking for people who care or some measure of reassurance that I'm not alone.

Thank you for putting this in words. Hopefully Batch will see this and understand that I'm not a freak and I'm not the only person in the world that feels like this.
You're not alone, internet friend, if you need an understanding shoulder for cries or ear for listens I'm here.
Even if you just feel like ranting or if you just want a normal conversation, I know how it feels.

Quote from: ExodusMae on October 20, 2015, 08:38:34 PM

tfw your dog is a horse.

Spoiler

NSFW this shit

You're just mad Hades has a bigger dick than you.

tfw your dog is a horse.

Quote from: ExodusMae on October 20, 2015, 08:30:25 PM

Can someone explain cuck to me and in what context the term is used?

If Batch wants you to bone other guys I just suggested we give him what he wants.

Oooooooh, that makes a whole lot more sense. Jesus I'm an idiot.
Batch has only permitted me to have intimate relations with females though on the condition he watches.
Are you a girl?

Quote from: ExodusMae on October 20, 2015, 05:12:06 AM

Can I take a seat?

My depression is creeping back and I feel especially crappy today to the point where I just want to run and not stop. (I live in the middle of nowhere).
I tried to reach out but my support is busy and I feel useless and alone.

I'm sorry
What kind of thoughts do you have?

I tried very hard (and succeeded) in not killing myself last night. I had asked my closest friends and family for help and was refused, turned down and ignored. I spent hours crying and thinking of all the ways to end it. I think I need some serious help, antidepressants aren't helping and I'm scared I'll lose control again like I have in the past and actually attempt it.
It's so stupid thinking back on it now the next morning, I feel like such an idiot. But it hasn't completely gone away like it usually does the next day.

Quote from: ExodusMae on October 20, 2015, 07:52:39 PM

Quote from: SoporificSlash on October 20, 2015, 07:47:56 PM

ITT: trans everywhere and batch is a polygamist

Batch isn't so much of a polygamist, just trying to make me a polyandry-ist? (Words?)

I am willing to cuck Batch.

I'm more than happy to cuck Batch actually.

I've had to resort to urban dictionary way too many times than I care to admit since returning to sep7 but this term has me confused. You want to fuck Batch while I watch?

Quote from: SoporificSlash on October 20, 2015, 07:47:56 PM

ITT: trans everywhere and batch is a polygamist

Dude change your goddamn avatar.  Henry Rollin's nipples are piercing my brain

I vote against this change.

hungry for pussy but also for food

Food tastes better and can't say no.

Quote from: ExodusMae on October 20, 2015, 07:42:31 PM

Quote from: Batch on October 20, 2015, 05:22:34 PM

Shes not a very frequent user, but Exodus is.

Did you just offer me to Jim....?

what's cookin good lookin

Butter Chicken Curry.   

Shes not a very frequent user, but Exodus is.

Did you just offer me to Jim....?

Suicune will always be the best in my eyes.
Is he not the most magnificent looking motherfucker?

Can I take a seat?

My depression is creeping back and I feel especially crappy today to the point where I just want to run and not stop. (I live in the middle of nowhere).
I tried to reach out but my support is busy and I feel useless and alone.

Quote from: ExodusMae on October 20, 2015, 12:45:19 AM

Nothing gets me wetter than when I hear Batch singing. :3

post your tits

Post your asshole.

I generally have massive trust issues.
Someone special to me did something to completely shatter my trust in them 3 years ago, it has taken me this long to start trusting them again. Sometimes I have days where I don't trust them or I think too much and it really bothers me to the point where I get physically sick, have anxiety attacks and breakdowns.
I'm trying my hardest to have a carefree attitude because it's affecting myself and my health more than the other person and really, there's no point in it. If I find out the trust is broken again I'll have to cut them out of my life. It's hard to pinpoint what irrational part of me is so upset over this still as well as the thought of being lied to again.
I think it's my fear of unrequited love and not being priority. I hate wasting love on people that just use, abuse and throw it away,

I mean, when I first joined I was a little sad I couldn't have a fox as my avatar because not only would I be "Batch's smurf" but I'd be Elegiac's "smurf" too. But I don't hate him for it.