I sort of want to read my book but at the same time I sort of don't want to read my book tonight. I can't decide, I feel conflicted. Do you ever feel conflicted like that?

MSI GeForce GTX 1060 DirectX 12 GTX 1060 GAMING X 6G 6GB 192-Bit GDDR5 HDCP Ready ATX Video Card

What up?

CURRENT YEAR
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Go on, tell me I deserve it.

No seriously, fatasses that look like they have mental problems, christian morons who have this big dumb expression on their face. Idiots who ask you "Hey What kind of books do you like to read? Also, what do you mean by depressive existentialist memes? I think I know what you're talking about, but I'm not sure. :b". Fuck. I mean, I have a list of the past 9 books I read this year on my profile. What a shit show. I just get a bunch of idiots who indiscriminately look at anyone's profile, they don't put any effort into finding someone who's actually like them, and that's why they stumbled upon mine.

I don’t think people understand what I mean when I say that I think work is horrible. They don’t understand that sometimes things literally render me incapable of pushing any further. It becomes so strenuous to do things, when I have lost the will to do them. My body itself will protest in tandem with my mind, against things which they decide they don’t want to do. No matter how much of my own will, through contradictory forces I try to counteract these feelings, it’s no use. You call that laziness? What that is isn’t laziness, because I try to do things sometimes, but the fact is that I am incapable of doing things which I don’t want to do. It’s an absurd conjecture, right? Well, you can protest as much as you want, but my conjecture remains absolutely honest.

Another thing, is that I find certain things absolutely terrifying. The prospects of work, boring and tedious, mind numbing work, produce inordinate dread. It’s always been my habit, throughout my time in the forced labor - education system of my country, to almost completely put off doing work, in favor of more enjoyable things. Where has it left me? You could say that I’m a failure, if you look at it from the opposite side, the side that favors the conditions that poor saddude69 has had to endure. Or, you could look at it as a failure of the system, it has let me down, it’s put me through a system which doesn’t match my qualities. You can’t deny, either way, that school is not built for all types of people, it is only a one way assembly line, built for people to do work or fail.

A lot of people, who I have strong names for which I can’t even begin to describe - we’ll just call them morons - have said that I am lazy, and that I need to get my act together. Ladies and gentlemen, can you honestly say that these people have any ground to stand on? Can you honestly favor their arguments over my conjectures? I am a dreamer, my time isn’t now, I wasn’t born into the right era. I was born too smart for this world, I was born for a time when churches didn’t pock the face of this planet, where reason and fairness are favorable over unfairness and superstition. All societal woes can be linked back to the church, if only as a parallel. What the education system, and what the larger system, the system of the job world really is, is a system based off of superstition. Superstition, in that it doesn’t use methods that work, but are used and believed in anyways. That seems like faith to me.

I execrate the modern age, it’s irate. The future is where reason grows brighter. Right now, we’re living in a ridiculous age. Most of the people around this world don’t think, they can’t be bothered with critical thinking. I realize now, that every time I have felt stupid it’s only because I have a mind that’s been bothered to think about things, more deeply than the people around me who seem so confident; confident in their ignorant. The words flow so fluently out of me when I berate those people around me, it’s like a pressure that’s built up inside of me that just comes flooding out when I think about the ignorant saps who are a cancer in this world. Perpetuating all the unfavorable, unfair circumstances, creating them themselves. Those pompous imbeciles, so sanctimonious and full of pride over their miserable, fucked up creation.

Oh, I know all too well that I’m shouting into oblivion. I’ve taken my time to argue with people whose views dissent my own, I know how challenging it is to see eye to eye on anything, in the great twisted and convoluted tangle of thoughts inside the minds of others. Reason, logic, critical thinking, these are things lost on the modern person, the person who eats up the facade of the world around. You see how futile my harangue is. The only thing that will show through all the ignorant bigots of this age, is the proof of the progress of humanity and technology. When it becomes undeniable, the idiots who were too stupid and bigoted to see the things I’m seeing right now, because of their willful ignorance, will finally have to submit to the tide of change. When I am dead, if my writings are still here years later, they’ll venerate those people like me, who saw so clearly through the lies, who were denied the life they were born to live. RIP to my dreams, the future will awake to my reality.

Doesn't it annoy you how women always bitch as if they're huge victims? I get so tired of seeing all this female empowerment bullshit. It's like, oh yeah we're totally not weak, we're sick of being oppressed, yeah let's spread more 'empowering' pictures of women for us all to jill our pussies over. Doesn't it all seem like sort of a circle jerk to a bunch of insecure feminists? There's no real problems facing women in today's world, besides that they're whiny fucks.

Between all people, there’s a purpose driven nature. The purpose is driven by the person, but it’s easy to think that every person is simply driven as if they were some sort of machine. It’s a reality that I have to face, that I don’t know the inner workings of these people, who are by nature driven by more than just mechanical predictable actions, but by their own thoughts and desires. Where I fit in with that, is something that can only come between mine and their own actions. Whatever interaction I have with others, their own motivations dictate the outcome, their reason for interacting with me is only as good as the workings of their mind, the outcome can only be in accordance to the reasons given by theirs and mine inner mechanisms.

I’ve gone by a lot of people, at this point in my life, looking at them and wondering what it is that makes them tick, wondering where I come into the picture when dealing with the decisions I make determining how I will react to them, how I will interact with them in a way that’s appropriate, in a way that is somehow purposeful and corresponds to their inner consciousness. But it’s not my decision, these people’s heads, their minds aren’t something I have any control over with whatever way I choose to interact with these people; it can only be determined by the output of whatever the outcome of their internal processes produce. Every person is on their own path, and my importance only goes as far as it’s correspondence with that person’s particular path.

All things, you wonder what it is about them that gives them their qualities which have such mechanical effectiveness, that they correspond well with their surrounding nature. What makes good music good? What makes bad music bad? What makes a person attractive and others ugly? What makes a classic book a classic and not a trashy amateur novel? In all of these things, they somehow correspond well with their surrounding nature, they somehow effect the world around them in a way that correlates with other people’s minds and effects them. This is something which truly has no clear answer, maybe even a foolish contrarian wouldn’t be able to come up with an answer, because if he could then he would be on the path to effectiveness, and if he could put it into words, he would make others effective too, quite easily.

But to effect people positively is one thing, why not effect people negatively? There’s an inner working in the consciousness, which has set up everything we feel, in us good natured human beings, to wind the spring to unwind itself to turn us in the direction of good natured thoughts. Is it also an effective action to destroy things? Haven’t you ever felt the satisfaction of playing that old arcade game called Rampage, where you control a giant monster and pursue the goal of eating as many people and smashing as many buildings as possible? Surely there’s a duel nature, between the good natured self and the bad natured self; if there isn’t a bad nature towards actual other men (which there is, no matter how glorified it may seem, between leaders who go to war with others), then there’s certainly a wild imagination which plays with these ideas, which has become taboo in our society through cultural norms and spooks.

My effectiveness will only go so far as I have something corresponding with another’s agenda. That’s really the heart of it, beyond all other deeper meanings that may lye in what I just wrote. If you have something that someone else wants, be it knowledge, charisma, looks, charm, a good listening ear, money, congeniality, the skills to perform a job they need done, or maybe they need nothing of you at all; then that is really what will determine the outcome, and if that’s not what they’re seeking then they won’t find it in you. What a lonely, confusing world. A world where you have to guess and estimate the outcomes of your actions, but can never know for sure exactly what to strive for, to never know what other people strive for and in correspondence culminate in a friendship.

It’s ugly, looking into the face of your foe, uncertainty, expecting it to change but only remaining the same. Unchanging, certain reality, what is it about you that draws all these connections in me, always back to this exact same question? Am I even thinking? Have I even begun to form a single conscious thought in my head which could blossom into what could be called a rational realization? All I realize is how little I know, and how I’m not certain if what I am doing right now can even be called thinking, all the illusive strands, I grab for them like strings, floating away inside me, all the smaller, more minute and illusive thoughts live fish, more intelligent and agile who can evade you, who are harder to catch. Is that really what wise thoughts are like, illusive fish? Or, maybe it could be simple.

It all falls away, and you fall backwards, down, down, down, up, out, away, further and further, until you’re beyond sight, in total emptiness. It’s all left behind. Unresolved.

a fiio x5ii portable audio player, with two 200 gig micro sd cards to go with it
An oppo pm3 pair of headphones (I just got a pair of denon ah mm400 headphones, but I want both for some variety)
a EVGA GeForce GTX 970 4GB SC GAMING ACX 2.0 graphics card
touhou plushies
Ulysses 1922 text oxford edition (with annotations)
Ulysses Annotated (a guide book for ulysses)
Beketh Nexehmu debut on vinyl or CD
Have a nice life deathconsciousness on vinyl or CD
The Complete Works of Plato (hackett publishing)
some sort of really nice camera (idk anything about cameras)
bose noise cancelling headphones (for noisy places)

I think I'll have the graphics card, oppo headphones, and fiio audio player by the end of the year.

I got me one of these today.

Holy mother, that's a lot of oats inside me. It's like a big weight dropped into my stomach. I measured it out on a scale before I added water and put it in the microwave.

I’m very lame, I have few abilities, most people can do things and think things much more easily than I can. Maybe though, there’s a difference between doing things and thinking things, because I know that I can think things. Doing things, that’s where the friction resides. Why even say anything anymore? I’m always writing the same fucking thing, but it’s not that I want to convince you. No, I want to convince myself, I want to convince myself that I’m no good, that I’m inadequate. At least then I would “know”, and not be left with the stressful uncertainty of not knowing whether or not some motivation is locked away inside somewhere.

There never seems to be any certainties, inside the mind, the irrational mind. In rational thinking there’s certainty and uncertainty, but inside the mind there’s always a contradiction. Such is the explanation of “spirituality”. The spiritual thinker wholeheartedly rejects rationality, choosing instead to accept their intuitions, or their faith. I guess you could say that I’m a spiritual minded person in a way, if you frame it in the context of those terms. I always loathe the spiritual, but then again I always loathe myself; maybe there’s not even a correlation there and I’m just drawing one, but believe me or not, I think there’s a contradiction in there somewhere.

There’s a lot of questions I have for the world, none of them, however, seem pertinent to what I’m trying to talk about. Maybe I can elaborate on a couple points I made which I feel could be explained more. Why do I feel that I’m inadequate? A rhetorical question, I’m asking myself really. I could place blame (I do that indefatigably), but that doesn’t seem to get me anywhere. That’s to say, I’m not really inadequate, it’s just society that’s unfair; placing blame. I guess in a sense I do reject rationality, I reject the inevitable conclusions which a rational mind faces. However, my form of spirituality has a wholly negative effect on my emotional well being.

I think I have a real psychological illness. I seem to have the inability to give a fuck about doing anything. I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, though. To feel depressed, at least to me, is to be not in control of your emotions, to have them take over you. I feel emotions, but I still feel calmness and easiness in light of the heavier emotions I feel. It’s easy sometimes to feel that if only you were just trying, it would become very easy. I don’t think so, I think that it’s easy to fool yourself with that sort of thinking. How… to get yourself thinking the “right way”. Perhaps, the biggest paradox in it all, is that even though my thinking may be spiritual, religious, irrational, to think there’s a “right way” to think, in the context of a conscious mind, is also irrational.

There you go, I drew out the paradox which I was trying to get to before, when I said “ inside the mind there’s always a contradiction”. That’s not to say that an irrational mind is right, but there’s just no guide to thinking the “right way”. Even myself, who I consider wholly accepting of logic and rational thinking; I feel that inside of my own mind I think very irrationally. Even the rational concepts I work with seem wholly abstract, in terms of what my mind is really perceiving. I guess in that sense, I take the other option of a rational mind; I accept the uncertainty. That’s to say, the one thing we can truly know is that we don’t know. All thoughts eventually seem to break down into a strange primordial blob.

Isn't that funny, that the only thing that a person can do to harness the power of their soul in society is doing whatever makes them some money? Yet the things which are truly beneficial to the soul, like listening to music, reading books, going on walks through nature, playing music, appreciating art, etc. aren't valued. It's really no wonder we have as sick of a society that we do, what it revolves around is making money, that's all people train to do is some bizarre thing which only serves to perpetuate society itself and nothing more. It's sickening.

There's a clear difference between the old one that was available, and the new one which is clearly of a lower quality design.

This is the old one


The is the new one


Very clearly the new one is less detailed, appears to be stitched less precisely, they're not comparable. I would go into greater detail about the disparity but you'd have to be dumb as fuck to not be able to see it yourself. You know how much the old one costs now, because it's out of print? 180 dollars. You know how much this new one is going for? 60. That's still way too much fucking moeney and it upsets me.