My mind is playing insane tricks on me. There's a massive rewiring going on inside my brain.

First: Me and the gorgeous girl no longer talk, my fault. This I think triggered me to cut off all the other girls I was talking to, so i could be alone and truly build myself up from nothing.

Secondly: My meditation sessions are getting very good. I do 25 minutes in the AM and 25 min at night. Both sessions I can tune into my breath/the present moment fairly quickly. I can recognize the sensations and emotions in my body better than ever before it's actually scary, and the emotions are sometimes overwhelming. But I'm getting much better. I also can sort of shift my awareness anytime during the day to the extremely present moment, completely unthinking and in tune with my body, sounds, and visuals(this is very intense in nature. As a result I like going to parks by myself a lot now). The meditation also brings up memories I had COMPLETELY forgotten, things I'd have no way of remembering randomly resurface with zero connection to anything in my present situation.

Third: I think my brain processes this breakup as a legit death. I literally feel like she has died, and there was a funeral and everything. And that if I saw her in person again she'd be a stranger or some sort of unfamiliar apparition. I'm actually scared to see her in public or something now because it'd be such a shock to my brain, and I wouldn't know what to do or say. It's like I don't know her anymore, my mind is literally deleting her. I was reading articles about how the brain of a person after a hard breakup is identical to the brain of a cocaine addict going through withdrawals and the comparisons I researched about cocaine withdrawal were very similar. My dopamine/seratonin levels are all fucked up.

Another thing is my cortisol is SKY high as well as my adrenaline. I can tell this because every single morning I wake up with a pit of dread in my stomach, and massive amounts of anxiety. Never knew what was causing it until now. Guaranteed it's my cortisol(stress hormone). Besides that, I randomly get very sad and panicked when I think about her sometimes, almost like it BARELY just happened and I don't know what to do so I panic. Then I come to reality and get a little down.

However my nights I feel extremely good. Motivated and determined to get better.

9am-3pm: High stress anxiety fear panic feeling of loss

4pm-10pm: Sad, lonely, giving up lost feeling

10pm-4am: Extremely motivated, determined to be happy, loving and accepting of whatever happens happens, regular Jive.

Very strange mind games smh

My nigga you have some strong fungus going on there

Nah I've done it a few times. No more weird than eating by yourself.

That's the universe telling you to stop drinking alcohol

This

Never resist the universe

Get some friends yo

yeah no one cares bro

Good thing I didn't ask

all this over some stupid girl, geez

Its wild yo. I've lost close family members. Had friends who've died in the military. I've dated dozens of girls before this and have been through many breakups. Nothing has ever effected me like this.

Some of the most interesting men I've ever talked to tell me one of the top defining moments in their lives wasn't them losing a parent or going homeless for a year or losing an arm, but their very first true heartbreak.

If I could lessen this I definitely would. It feels good to change though

Had my first real day of work today. It went good :-)

Feeling weird. Tomorrow(today technically) is her birthday. I'm not going to tell her happy bday even though I want to, just because it'll open up old wounds.

I got more intimate with the gorgeous main chick. On paper, she outclasses my ex in every way. She's prettier, has a job, works hard in school, same music taste as me, extremely honest and secure with herself. I think it's bad for me to keep trying with her though for two reasons:

Reason 1- I'm actually starting to like her more than I normally would like a girl. I almost GUARANTEE it's because I'm transferring the feelings of my ex onto her. That can't end good for me

Reason 2- I really shouldn't be diving into another relationship so quickly. I need to find myself etc.

She is really helping me move on faster than I ever would though. However I may have ruined it. When we got intimate, I got kinda weird about it because it shocked me when I opened my eyes realized she wasn't my ex(weird I know) and may have potentially killed her attraction to me. She's been texting me less etc, so I'm not sure if I can recover this. Still texting though. That makes me really upset when it really shouldn't even matter. Idk also literally everyday when I wake up I have a ton of anxiety. It's exhausting

I feel as though you speak of experiences similar to this at least once a month

Nah I haven't felt this good ever. It's a very clean feeling. I have had slight euphoric experiences out of nowhere years ago but they lasted 5-10 minutes

Been up and down because of the breakup. Been meditating for over an hour a day + tons of spirituality exercises etc for weeks/months

Lately something weird has been happening. It's almost like I can FEEL all of my emotions as they come in. I've been feeling any anxiety/sadness/anger very strongly, strongly than ever before, but I let it sit there and just feel it and it dissipates. Hard to explain

Today I was feeling very sad and anxious for no reason.  I was in Barnes n noble and couldn't even concentrate on reading because I felt so uneasy. But I just sat with my pain. Got home and went to the gym. At the gym something clicked and for the past 3ish hours be been basically euphoric. I'm so happy and tingly everywhere, and so fucking present. Conscious of every breath. My friends were saying I'm in an extremely good mood and it was rubbing off on them.

Going to go to the bars tonight with the lads for cinco de mayo. Feel so happy. I'm logging this cause idk wtf is up but I've honestly never felt this good in my life. I might not even drink actually because It will probably take this feeling away.

When I was little I used to draw pictures of me kissing cute naked girls from my class

OP what drugs have you done?

BRUH so I ate really shitty today, and I think when I get off my purpose/don't improve myself I feel worse. So I need to stick to my shit diligently

Quote from: Jive Turkey on May 05, 2017, 12:34:01 AM

That's crazy how sol dated you for only A WEEK and already tried to kill himself xD

the two things arent connected

also he didnt try to kill himself he made a fucking post you retard

You should both make a pact to do it and make a thread on it soon

That's crazy how sol dated you for only A WEEK and already tried to kill himself xD