And god said,
"Let there be light!"
Jim shook his head.
"The fuck is this shit god? Giving light to all those ugly people down there? Disgusting."
The great bearded deity shrugged.
"Give them time, a few hundred thousand years maybe and they'll start to look a little less ugly. Maybe even good enough to look good on the beach."
Jim looked down below.
"Oh for fuck's sake. The first idiot just learned about fire. He went up and burnt himself to a crisp."
God eyed up the simple little mongoloid far down below, burnt and black, dead as could be. He nodded with a smile.
"Hey! We just got our first customer to the gates of heaven! Quick, call up Peter!"
Jim watched as the great bearded deity tugged his long white beard in excitement.
"God, you're like a kid in a candy shop. It's embarassing."
God did not care and proceeded to call up Peter, ignoring Jim. Jim proceeded to watch down below, as the tiny mongoloids continued to evolve. He put his glasses on, as he looked a little closer. Interesting. They where starting to do things. Build things. Jim looked back as God continued to babble to Peter on the phone, absent minded. Jim smiled.
"Okay you little fucks, let's see what you do with a little rain along with your tropical sunshine."
Jim reared back, and let out the biggest loogie he could manage. Watching with satifsfaction as the land flooded and all the little mongoloids and their ugly buildings washed away. He leaned back on his chair with a smile, as God returned. With a frown across his features, he looked over to Jim.
"Did you do that?"
"What?"
"Peter says he's getting a lot more entries to heaven."
Jim smiled, watching the floods down below.
"Must be global warming."
God shook his head.
"Oh well this is no good! Fuck it, I'm going down there."
Jim's eyebrows shot up.
"That's cheating."
"I'm God! I can do what I want."
"Okay, your show big man."
—————————————————————--
15 minutes later
God appeared next to Jim, soaking wet as he removed a great yellow raincoat. He smiled as he wrung out his great beard.
"There. I told one of them to build a boat."
Jim eyed up the happenings down below.
"Well, it looks like a lot more than that. They're writing a book about you! You're famous!"
God's brows furrowed.
"No, no! They're too young for reading! They don't know what'll happen if they write something bad!"
Jim chuckled.
"Oh shit, look at them go! A couple more of them wrote books about you!"
God watched as all the little mongoloids started fighting.
"God dammit! No! I had the perfect setup!"
Jim merely chuckled.
"Oh boy, they're making a right mess of things now! But look at that! You're actually right. Some of them look pretty good on the beaches in bikinis."
God shook his head.
"Nope. I've got it. I've got it. I can fix it. I'm going down there again."
Jim watched with amusement as the little mongoloids continued to evolve. God returned again, this time with a smile. Jim looked up to him.
"So, what's your master plan?"
God smiled, a light so bright that Texas became dry.
"Well Jim, you're a good friend right? How about you uh, I dunno, go down there?"
"What? Me? And do what?"
"Propaganda."
"What do you mean propaganda?"
"Well, you know, dress up like one of them. Spread the word that I'm not real. I hate being in the tabloids. And every person I talk to just keeps on making things worse."
Jim sighed.
"Okay fine. What do you want to call this anti-god movement?"
"How about Atheism?"
Jim nodded.
"That's good. Okay. Here I go. My best impersonation of one of them."
Jim turned into a fat overweight mongoloid with a fedora and a stomach barely contained by his shirt. He smiled, great greasy rolls of flesh upturning in a horrendous spectacle.
"How's this?"
God shook his head.
"Hmm. Not feeling it. You'd get better reception if you were one of those nice ones on the beach."
Jim snapped his flabby fingers.
"I got it."
Jim pulled a katana out of the air.
"Now we're talking style."
God's brows furrowed.
"Okay fine. It is kind of cool."
Jim tipped his fedora.
"I've even got a catchphrase! M'Lady."
God smiled, stroking his beard.
"Okay Jim. I think we're set. You ready to go down there?"
"With a katana, I can't fail. You just watch. I'll have your name cleared from the books in no time!"
Jim tipped his fedora, giving one last smile before heading down to the trenches.
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