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Messages - E
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481
« on: June 05, 2020, 12:33:46 AM »
I figured there'd be a lot of people coming out of quarantine with less enthusiasm to throw themselves into the meat grinder after actually having time to do stuff in their life. Meanwhile I just spent the entire time working my jobs on overtime. If I have to listen to one more peckerhead complain about having nothing to do during quarantine...
482
« on: June 05, 2020, 12:29:40 AM »
Birthday happy. Are you feeling the reaper's edge slip a little closer yet?
483
« on: June 05, 2020, 12:28:34 AM »
I've had an on off relationship with coffee. During the wintertime out on the streets during my vagrant years coffee was the best thing to get a hold of to help with the cold, but I'd drop it during the summertime and spring. Give it about two weeks and your body will adjust itself to normal levels. You won't even likely notice the lack of the boost coffee gave you.
484
« on: June 05, 2020, 12:25:40 AM »
I hold prejudice against everybody because ninety five percent of them seem to be functionally retarded.
And you're not?
Never implied I wasn't subject to human bouts of retardation. But I am sapient enough to know that blowing shit up/looting makes nobody's day and constitutes a pointless act.
485
« on: June 05, 2020, 12:24:06 AM »
I've met fucked up homeless people with less salt than the lol community. Which is honestly rather depressing to think about.
How is that depressing?
That some bum on the streets in probably the worst condition they'll be is less salty than a screaming manchild ignorant to their luck of condition in life.
486
« on: June 03, 2020, 11:30:16 PM »
I appear to be suffering from Matchmaking-Anxiety even in social matches. I can play well and rarely do I get a match where I go negative, but the anxiety isn't really tied to my performance directly, but just how garbage my teammates tend to be. I'm so sick of getting players who go -17 or -25 and I'm having to carry their pathetic asses just to make sure the enemy team doesn't get a Steaktacular. Doesn't matter if it's 4v4 or 8v8, seeing teammates grab the sniper on Valhalla (which I'm getting way too much in 8v8) and run through the man-cannon by themselves when six enemies are waiting for him is just infuriating. And that's just one common instance among many I see.
Were players really better back during the 360 era or is my nostalgia-goggles making it appear that way? I know I was pretty shit myself back then but I don't think that would've blinded me to other players being bad.
There were shit players during the 360 era too. The average player in Halo 3 was still probably functionally retarded but they were to some degree capable of performing tactics. The disparity in shit players lately might be the generation gap between the new kids and the "elder" gamers who had been around for a decade or so by the time 3 launched.
487
« on: June 03, 2020, 11:25:05 PM »
I've met fucked up homeless people with less salt than the lol community. Which is honestly rather depressing to think about.
488
« on: June 03, 2020, 11:23:16 PM »
I hold prejudice against everybody because ninety five percent of them seem to be functionally retarded.
489
« on: June 03, 2020, 01:00:33 AM »
 Finally had a little bit of time to listen to a jam and see what I turned the music into. Nice to finish something after so long a hiatus.
490
« on: June 02, 2020, 12:49:52 PM »
If enough people participated in coordinated inaction, you could bring a state to it's knees within a week. This is the key focal point to your entire argument. "If enough people." How many people is "enough"? Millions of Americans have been out of work for months, but things are still going.
That's certainly a question I can't answer as there's no magic number. But there is a certain focal point we can look at. If millions of americans are out of work and the economy is still trying to keep up, then you need to look at what's keeping it up. The core services.
491
« on: June 01, 2020, 09:08:33 PM »
You know, I'm honestly baffled that people haven't seen a golden opportunity with corona. Economies have tanked in part because of rising numbers of sick cases, but they've also tanked because of one tremendously powerful action. Inaction. People staying at home or in quarantine. You can't have an economy if nobody shows up for work, or goes out to the store to buy anything. Likewise, police can take zero action against people who stay in their homes and just don't come out.
I can understand riots being a manifestation of perhaps warranted anger, but at an emotional level they are childish in what they achieve. If people actually used their heads and turned that anger into a focal point of thought in what action can be taken to make their demands legitimate, they'd see that the key to absolutely buckle an economy of government enough to listen to a spearhead of requests would be simply not to participate. If enough people participated in coordinated inaction, you could bring a state to it's knees within a week. But no, people are fucking idiots instead.
492
« on: May 31, 2020, 12:49:39 AM »
Not an official movie or anything but it had a way of sticking with me.
493
« on: May 30, 2020, 04:31:26 PM »
I really don't understand how destroying your own community is supposed to help it, but I don't necessarily think that rioters are trying to help the community anyways. It's a shame that those peacefully protesting will have their cause sullied by the actions of a violent minority of people and that their protests will be shut down to stop the violence.
The thing is, I imagine a lot of riots are instigated by police showing up in riot gear to protests where rioting hasn't happened. I do wonder if they avoided doing that would a riot even break out to begin with.
Despite the outcome of a riot it's a common tactic for undercover police to instigate a riot as it creates a means of creating a control group that can be isolated, observed and ultimately corralled into a specific location for the sole means of containment. This is why I'm of the mind that rioting is a largely pointless act, as no matter how much damage a group does, they fail to realize that they're being manipulated into doing it to begin with. Rioting shifts blame onto peaceful protesters and gives a reason for them to be removed, and it accomplishes zero damage to large companies like target as they're insured financially against these scenarios. The cops starting the riots aren't any good, but the idiot people taking the bait and continuing the momentum are worse.
494
« on: May 30, 2020, 04:09:27 AM »
I wont say there aren't barriers for entry because there certainly is. One day I'd like to try for a public office but income is certainly a big gate in my way, but I also feel that it isn't the impossible hurdle other people (not necessarily you) make it out to be. That's not the point on whether or not it's an impossible hurdle. It's an unnecessary hurdle that isn't needed. And we have to look at something else that's important. People are not equal. This is a fact. Not everybody has the mental capacity, the physical condition, or many of the other factors required to be disgustingly wealthy. Whose right is to say exactly, "Yes, you're required to spend your days as a walmart greeter because this is all you're physically or intellectually capable of, and therefore will be subject always to the bare minimum of living standards because of it, have a great life." Nobody is saying it but this is a trap many people live in. For whatever reasons they're incapable of going further in things, they are very effectively punished for factors that they may have zero control over, such as intelligence and the ability to learn. And while we're at it, so long as we're talking about inequality, let's talk disparity. Hypothetical for you. Let us assume for one second that every human being has the capability to be a big shot ceo or upper managment, and they all take the opportunity. What happens? Stagnation and job shortages, because there can only physically be a certain percentage of upper management before none are needed. Therefore, if we're to draw the line that people can have success stories and be wealthy, that it's not impossible, we have to acknowledge a critical reality. There can and only be a percentage of them that have access to these doorways due to many various factors. So no matter what we do, as long as we exist in a monetary based system of operation there will be forced disparity. Somebody will be forced against their will to draw the losing hand. And that's not right. All of this stems from one underlying fundament we haven't talked about yet. It isn't so much the issue of wealth, as it is class. You cannot deny the intrinsic nature of human beings to compete and to "outclass" one another in what we perceive as being above other people. This is a part of human nature many struggle to let go of. The excessively rich are tremendously guilty of this. Assume for a second that there's a cap on monetary income that anybody can make. The cap is based from average to high end earnings, so that there is still a level of disparity from top to bottom, but there's a rationalized ceiling as to how high you can get on the totem. This would destroy the notion of class somewhat. If Bill Gates, Donald Trump, and an average joe have a ceiling of money they can all reach together, it makes them equal. And that's why we don't have a ceiling of money to be reached for personal wealth. The excessively wealthy don't want to be equal because they have a psychological need to be above. This is a character flaw reflecting on our system as a whole. it's a convenient tool to help us procure not only goods & services but necessities for survival as well. That's incorrect. It is a mechanism that needlessly hinders us. When we have point A and B, income is just adding A 1.5 into the middle of the road and saying that it gets things done for us and that it's necessary. Here's a thought for you. Point A is a service. Point B is the need or wants of the people. Take point A and turn it into a job. Everybody gets a job because everybody needs to contribute somehow. As long as you provide for point A by doing your job, you get access to point A, not based off of income, but based off the fact that you're putting the work in to keep point A functioning, which therefore helps fullfill and create point B, which is then provided to anybody who simply works and takes part in the system. This is efficiency taken to it's logical maximum that provides the highest possibility of comfort achieved for everybody with no additional steps added. What I describe here is a convenient process and tool. Income is not. It is tremendously inefficient. As for drive, there's probably more to it than just money but that helps us get what we really want. See my posts above as to why this is not the case. And I provide for you more thoughts to ponder. Somebody asked me once what my dream career was. I told them my dream career would be to have a quiet homestead in which I can tend to the property myself, live in a home I built myself using methods I learned or taught myself, and be as disconnected from the world as possible while still having access to information to study and learn new things. And then I told them that I don't get paid to do that until I'm 60. So what I'm required to do to achieve this dream career of mine is subject myself to a totally needless grind for thirty more years and actually gamble that I'll be alive by then to enjoy it, on top of gambling that I'll magically have enough income to pay for all of this shit. Or, if I'm super motivated and ruthless, play the board game, make a shit ton of money and then settle down and live my dream career. When inherently, before the concept of income came to be, you could do the bulk of this naturally. Except that now you can't. Let's assume for a moment that I forsake the cash road and actually do all of this by myself. Teach myself everything I need to make this dream come true, and then go out and do it. Well colour me fucked because I need money to buy land, and then once I buy it I will be required to pay taxes based off the designated monetary value of the land, plus whatever additional structures I build on said land. I'll need permits to create anything of custom work or to acquire the raw resources, such as trees, stone, etc. No matter what move I make I am subjected to shelling out cash somewhere. And the big flaw I find in all of this was that I never agreed to any of it. Nowhere in my life did I sign any papers that said, "Yes please charge me taxes and expenses using an imaginary medium that also happens to be necessary for day to day life." I was simply born and dropped into this system with zero consent to it and expected to be a willing participant to all of it. So in my case, and I'm sure many other people's income is what stands in the way of them actually doing what they want with their lives and adding a totally useless feature. When you say what is necessary to grow, do you mean collectively as a species or individually? Both. The species can't grow without growth from the individual. And the growth of the individual is important if we're to live in a sane and better world.
495
« on: May 30, 2020, 02:22:55 AM »
How are they not allowed to achieve such status? They technically aren't. But they are slowed almost to the point that it's not possible, as I explained, the barriers that exist for a poor person compared to an extravagently wealthy one are different and designed for to generate failure for one side of the coin. And those positions and pay raises can give you more than just going from a mediocre apartment to a somewhat-nice house This examples is moot because housing should be considered an essential access point for all human beings. And if it's classified as essential, it shouldn't be bottom of the barrel shit. You shouldn't have to run hoops to land "average" housing at best. You can go back to school and earn a degree Money should not be a relevant factor in what education you should be able to access. Your ability to access education should be based off your actual ability to learn in your field. This is a moot point for having wealth. what reason is there to even aim for that position? Exactly. Do you see the point of failure in this scenario? If the only incentive for a CEO or for somebody, anybody, to do something because they acquire wealth of income is wealth of income alone, then it's an entirely pointless existence and exercise. Society as it exists today is not founded on what we as human beings desire or need to grow, but instead a lure that we hope grants us access to certain doorways to a better life, as well as a fundament to daily survival. This is an incorrect mode of operation. The only actual reason to do anything, especially a job, should be for the sake of a job or task itself, and achieving the highest quality that you are able to. Requiring a crutch to bait you along into doing work you don't really want to do, for the sake of earning something that's made neccessary for survival is a morally shit move and it's totally redundant. Imagine for a second if I operated on your point of logic. Why should I bother getting up in the morning and going to do my job if the pay's not good enough when my body is falling apart? Why should I bother having compassion for human beings around me if I'm not getting paid for it? Why should I do anything at all if I don't get paid for it? Much of existence can be a pain in the ass, so why am I not being paid for it? working hard and succeeding in life because of it is just a meme Nowhere did I say that working hard is a meme. Fucking believe me dude I know what working hard is. I spent five years on the streets and homeless and now I'm working double jobs and clocking in at 112 hour work weeks. My house is currently a truck with a truck camper. The amount of effort it's taken to pull myself back from what I came from is very real. I put the time in, and now I'm here. However, a person can work hard and still achieve nothing if they're working in a system that's designed to be counter-intuitive. Our system is designed to be counter intuitive. These quoted success stories only exist because these people were willing to sacrifice tremendously to get to their level. And this ultimately is the problem. People shouldn't have to sacrifice their timespan, their lifespan, in a grind to achieve even moderate levels of comfort. As a human being, it should be one's responsibility to make the journey for all other lives around yours easier, not difficult. Society at large does not do this in spades. But when you have a corporate business with thousands of people, slashing the millionaire's pay I never said slashing his pay was required. There are many other measures that can and should be taken other than slashing pay. The measures I'm talking about are a total restructuring of how our system operates. A total change in values, morals and what really counts in life.
496
« on: May 30, 2020, 12:53:06 AM »
Tell me what is inherently wrong with a CEO making millions of dollars without using Reddit-tier soijack memes. Bonus points if you're able to bring up other positions on the corporate ladder instead of just the basic entry-level ones and their salaries as well.
>as he defends a multi millionaire CEO's salary
Y-yes massa mouse, the big bad rioters are the real problem. Please let me go back to being a 12 dollar an hour wage slave massa. I'll be a good boi massa, I'll generate your profits for you. Massa treats me good mmhmm. I'd say that there's nothing wrong with making x amount of money that the ceo's make. Where things go wrong however is that regular average joes aren't allowed to achieve this status due to the nature of the roadblocks placed in their way by institutions in the government and corporate behemoths. There's too many drainage points for an average joe to contend with on their income levels, whereas the board becomes stacked in the favor of upper end ceo's who can generate so much income that they can never lose. They get tax breaks, insurance, and legal loopholes that average normies don't get. And then we run into the issue of what x amount of money accomplishes in our society. Buyouts. Having some potential troubles come your way that might put a dent in your business or actually establish some form of moral obligation? Simply invest your unlimited income in the right direction and you can buy out government officials and organizations. Once again, I say that it's not the level of income that matters, it's the disparity between top and bottom, and more importantly, how this money is invested. Most of the money generated is only going to be invested into what will generate more monetary gain for these corporations. Instead of actually using their wealth to accomplish anything of note in our world, perhaps helping to make it a better place and fix large issues that we're faced with, they squander it on generating a bigger fictitious number we all somehow apparently agreed to abide by and borderline worship as our mythological god. This becomes a massive problem when they own the board game that is the economy. It holds us back as a species and wastes everybody's precious time.
497
« on: May 29, 2020, 11:05:43 PM »
I haven't heard about any riots so onto other questions. When is it justifiable to riot? It's not. Further, is it justifiable for individuals of one community to participate in a riot whose genesis lies in injustice done to another community? No, since rioting is a largely pointless act. Is a riot less legitimate if it is comprised with a proportionally larger set of opportunistic looters and antisocial types? It's always illegitimate. No amount of ratios justify a riot.
498
« on: May 29, 2020, 10:53:32 PM »
I live out of a truck camper and wander the country. I stop for a while, get a job, make some cash and then hit the road when I'm done with a place. I'm halfways searching for a homestead and looking for a place to settle down as I'd like to fulfill a dream me and my SO had together to build our own house together. I'm also halfways tempted to go on a longer journey and tack down significant friends of mine to visit their respective graves to honour probably the only good years of my life I ever had that they enabled. I got stuck in saskatchewan when they closed borders to travelers outside or in. I don't think I'll be going anywhere as long as covid keeps shit locked down so I got myself two jobs to build up my income a bit before I hit the road again.
499
« on: May 29, 2020, 12:44:07 AM »
Ever sit down and ask yourself what you're doing with your life by wasting time on a quiet backwater forum and essentially amounting to the town drunk? Like, I've been here for about what, a month and a half maybe and I've seen some shit comin' outta you that if performed in public would have you either slam dunked into a padded room or beaten the shit out of. I'm legitimately curious about what exactly this place holds over you. Why keep coming back if you squander your time so horrendously.
500
« on: May 28, 2020, 12:16:49 PM »
That's uh. I don't know man. That's some pretty heavy stuff.
Ah, I know. I saw a lot during those five or so years. That's the worst for what I've personally done. I saw a lot worse coming from other people. I traveled across canada and stopped and turned back when I got to quebec. That was the roughest place I've ever been to, at least in canada. I'm glad to be rid of the streets, although I suppose I'm not quite free. Reconciliation can be hard on the thoughts some days. I don't imagine I'd be talking to you if I didn't bet you could understand some of that sentiment.
In a sense, but being out there for less than a year and having couches to crash on most of the time, even if where I was changing on a daily or weekly basis (sometimes a month if I was lucky, once I was allowed to stay at a mostly vacant house while they looked for a new tenant) I think I really only scratched the surface. But it's like when you go to the steep edge of a mountain where you can see all the way down. I could see how far the fall could potentially be, and I did everything in my power to stop it from happening. I saw a lot. More than I'd ever seen in my lifetime all in that one year. Some people were nice but most people treated me like shit, but I also saw how much worse it could get. Was extremely persistent on staying busy and keeping a roof over my head in whatever capacity, even if it was someone's kitchen or garage.
Learned a lot from passing through so many people's living spaces, actually. 14 off the top of my head that I can think of right now, there's most likely more I'm not remembering. The nicest people were always the ones who were barely getting by themselves. They were always the ones that said they'd love to have me longer but they usually didn't have the space to accommodate me, and I never wanted to overstay my welcome with those people.
I can't understand everything you've been through but I can easily understand the path that would lead a person in that situation to that point. And that's a place I always found quite terrifying. I could still feel the slow creep of losing your humanity. Physically my body was very much in survival mode, but I didn't want my mind to go completely there too. The nights I didn't have anywhere to go were always the darkest. The hopeless feeling of wandering around for hours and hours, eventually giving up and finding a small covered area to pass out on, and waking up 2-4 hours later in incredible pain because my back is kinda shit. Then I think, for most of the other people I pass by that are out there, they're doing this every single night.
There's a disparity then I think in our views of the streets during that time. When I ended up there I don't think I had a notion of being terrified. More than likely I wanted to die, something to finish me off. There was enough of me in the background to keep me alive though, which is why I wandered and did my best to analyze the situations and act as intelligently as I could to self preserve myself. I can understand the despair though. The longest roads for me where the ones between cities and towns. I had a rule never to hitchhike with anybody, so I walked for the most part, unless I managed to jump a train. I carried a little tent with me. I'd walk a mile or so off the road into cover where I could pitch it for the night. Winters were the worst, because I'd wake up in the dark and I'd be freezing cold before I lit a little propane cookstove. I just remember the awful feeling of dread of realizing that I woke up still alive and that I had hundreds of miles to go before I found another gathering of people. I saw a lot of shitty people and things, but I saw a lot of amazing people and things too. The funny thing with the homeless is that they've all different views on it. Some of them blamed society and everybody else. A lot of them where people with medical conditions and no treatment centers. And every now and again you'd find one that was content for some reason, simply not wanting anything beyond that. I remember one that I traveled with for some time. She was a remarkably cheery person despite her circumstance. Rent and bills and college tuition piled too high for her until she went bankrupt and had the rug pulled out from under her feet. Her family had at one point disowned her due to her sexuality. She was wonderful with a few types of instruments though, and took to performing with them to make cash where she could. She traveled with me all the way alberta to ontario. She was remarkably cheerful right up until the end of the road. I didn't sense a hollowness to it either, like you can with some people. She was genuine every moment. But, yes, there's folk out there every day and night, for their own particular reasons.
501
« on: May 28, 2020, 10:38:38 AM »
That's uh. I don't know man. That's some pretty heavy stuff.
Ah, I know. I saw a lot during those five or so years. That's the worst for what I've personally done. I saw a lot worse coming from other people. I traveled across canada and stopped and turned back when I got to quebec. That was the roughest place I've ever been to, at least in canada. I'm glad to be rid of the streets, although I suppose I'm not quite free. Reconciliation can be hard on the thoughts some days. I don't imagine I'd be talking to you if I didn't bet you could understand some of that sentiment.
502
« on: May 27, 2020, 10:56:10 PM »
I never finished high school for starters. Everything I know of today I taught myself how to do. But if you're asking on what has more value? I can't give you a definitive answer because it's entirely dependent on the individual's capacity to learn, and what they're learning. I can highlight some points on the differences between the two. Academia, on paper, is designed to skip the process of self learning. For instance. It's taken me eleven years to understand the principles that I currently do in artistic mediums. Where I to take acedemia(assuming I landed the correct school), I could entirely skip this process by learning from the masters and what they know outright.
Or, for another instance, it's likely not possible for me to teach myself how to become a molecular biologist, or a chemist. I could learn the basic principles but I would not have access to the more advanced networks, information, and technology to help me learn. Most importantly, the right kind of teacher can streamline the learning process and remove learning barriers.
The downside to college and other higher forms of education however, is that they focus on monetary gain(a source of income for the learner rather than a passion) and they are monetary traps designed to close on today's youth. Society does place too much value on degrees, but only because most of society sees monetary acclimation tied to the word degree. I find that most people never go to college or university with the intent of interest. They go because they're interested in making money from some field that's "promised" to generate it. Lo and behold we arise to the trap. Oversaturation of fields and jobless graduates which college and uni's will shed no tears for, only bills and interest rates. University and college can be worth it for more advanced fields, but so long as it costs an arm and a leg in some countries, they aren't worth it. Education should be free.
503
« on: May 27, 2020, 11:59:09 AM »
That's a complicated question with a complicated answer.
Was there one event or was it a gradual slide into despair
I feel like I can't really say I "hate" life anymore because things just aren't as bad as they used to be. Life is still pretty shit overall but it'll never come close to how it was. From having my first major existential crisis in 4th/5th grade to being kicked out, going homeless and losing everything and everyone I cared about. I don't hate simply existing anymore, for the most part I'm fairly okay with it.
Could make a lengthy blog post but it's whatever.
I spent an unhealthy amount of time on this forum as a sort of crutch for how much my life was falling apart.
Ah, you did some time on the streets and came out of it too huh. Good on you for managing to pull yourself out. I know how hard it can be to get out of that circle.
I fought against it from happening every single step of the way and ultimately I was still powerless towards preventing it from happening. The hardest part about it was how goddamn hard I tried to do things right but how I lacked any control whatsoever of the situation. It was like I accidentally bumped into the boulder, and once it started rolling down the hill there was no stopping it no matter how desperately I tried to.
I kept trying and trying and trying and it seemed like I kept getting curbstomped into the ground. I remember this overwhelming feeling that I wanted to just give up but for some reason I just didn't, this feeling that I was continuing the crawl forward against my will despite being kicked and stepped on over and over along the way. I didn't want to keep going, but I did anyway.
I'm still around and kicking, and will continue to do so. But I find that my drive and passion is gone, washed up. The motivation I had back then, when I pushed through ridiculous amounts of bullshit to make things happen despite it, it's gone. I don't trust people, I don't have faith in anything. Been pretty socially isolated even before this pandemic stuff started. Yet for some reason I still hope that one day I'll be in a comfortable enough position where I'm self sustaining and content with my life. I still hope that one day my motivation will come back and I can actually do something meaningful with my life, in whatever capacity it may be.
Never too late to start anew. I spent five years as a wanderer with no place to stay and no income. Managed to keep myself alive by stealing money from people, just enough so as not to be missed, not enough to get attacked by other homeless, but enough to buy food for the day. My home's not much of an upgrade over what I was, a truck camper on a truck, but boy is it nice to have during the winters up here.
I'll tell you some stuff. Motivation doesn't arrive out of the blue. It's all in how you frame reality. At any point in time you can stand up and choose to do it differently. The focal point should never be the difficulty. Problems will always come no matter what you do and how you prepare. What matters is the goal and whether or not you want to let yourself be stopped from reaching it.
And I get the slow crawl. I wake up and go to sleep every day missing a person I love very dearly. Life's dreadfully awful without her company to the point that I don't have much of an existence with any meaning, other than two things. To stick around because I know she'd want me to fight it, and because I want to honor the dream we had and build the house we both wanted to build together. Contentment and happiness take time to re-learn but you gotta be open to it, and on occasion, fight very hard for it.
I never stole anything, but I'd been stolen from plenty of times during that time. Was even held at knife-point once. I dedicated my life to volunteering, because no one was hiring me anyway and all these various organizations were more than happy to take my free labor and I was deluded enough to think I was making a difference. Frankly it was the only thing that gave me a sense of purpose. It was also a good way to meet people that let me crash their couches though. I've won tons of small scholarships for all the work I did and they were supposed to help me go to university. All of it went to rent. In any case, eventually I managed to attempt attending community college despite still not having stable housing, had a really rocky semester and then I got in contact with my current roommate. He's basically the only reason I've been in relatively stable housing for the last few years.
Oh, I was stolen from too early on. After losing my first backpack of shit which was essentially my lifeline I developed careful habits. Avoided city and town centers and took note of active homeless gatherings so that I could avoid them as much as possible. I stuck to the fringes of bigger cities and did most of my pillaging in small towns I was passing through. I had a couple close calls and did a few abnormally awful things I'm not happy about. That and the theiving of course. I guess it's why I'm not stingy with my money with people. I aught to repay back what I took.
Five years of that and then I hit my low point. I swiped a shotgun from a farmer and headed out into the woods during the winter intending to blow the back of my head out. I just about accomplished it even after I chose not to. Freezing fingers pulled the trigger and it went off next to head. Permanently deaf on my left side now. Small price to pay I think.
Shit dude. I was only out there for a little less than a year. One of my biggest fears was falling to this point I considered the "point of no return", you might know what I mean. You can see it on a lot of people, the fact that they'll likely never be functional again. I kept myself busy, always working, always doing something. A lot of people in that local community knew my face, because any time there was an event I was there and I probably helped with set-up and tear-down. Was decently connected too since I had a smart phone and laptops that people gave me. The worst things I had stolen was my bike and later my moped, but besides that I did a relatively decent job storing my things with people who I trusted enough to not fuck with my shit too much.
Yes, I hear you. It's another one of the reasons why I tended to stay away from homeless populations. There's some people you genuinely look at and you can't help but wonder how they're alive. It's a level of despair so deep it's difficult to comprehend. That and it spreads like a virus. Stick around a group of the downtrodden and you'll feel it.
As for stuff, during those five years it was me and everything that I could fit into a backpack or carry on it. I think the largest amount of money I ever stole was close to two hundred dollars, and that was only because the person I'd studied and watched for several days was a drug dealer. I had no qualms taking all I could get from him. But that was one of the things that almost cost me my life. With regular people, I made a point never to steal anything that might actually be valuable. I scrounged for pocket change and people's random dollar bills. The max I ever took from regular people was twenty a shot.
I had a suitcase and one of those brown paper grocery bags. I didn't take them with me everywhere as you might imagine. All things considered, I guess I'm glad I went the volunteering route despite some of the bullshit because it probably got me out if the situation the fastest since people saw me actively trying to help even though I was barely surviving myself. It was hard learning to accept help from others, but it was necessary for survival and it was a bit easier to swallow since I'd already been contributing towards so many things. But I still struggled with it and found myself trying to justify things in my head.
The awards I got are nice but sometimes they feel a bit hollow because I feel no connection to them now. I used to tell people that it felt like I was "prostituting my suffering" because accepting them usually meant going up on a stage and showing off how pitiful my life was. Absolutely hated it, but I probably wouldn't be around today without it.
This isn't even all of them, there's about 3 or 4 more missing in the picture.
Hmm. At some point we've all got to make a choice we disagree with to get buy. It took me a while to accept forms of help as well, mainly because I don't trust 90% of help. It has a tendency to come back at you in the future when somebody decides that they disagree with you. To me, I would have rathered never receive help at all than have it held above my head at ransom when the tides shift. Was it legitimate help then if it could be used as an emotional set piece? I think not. One of my major regrets was the time I got involved in a fight. I let my guard down in Vancouver and made the mistake to pass through one of the parks at night. So of course I got jumped over my bag of shit. It was my second backpack and one that I'd managed to keep with me for a few years. The guy had a knife and I told myself that I'd rather die than lose my shit again and have to restart. But I didn't know much about fighting, so I went with my knowledge of basic anatomy. I used my coat to snag the knife on my arm and when I got close enough I went for the eyes. You know I don't really know how to say it even though it's easy to write plain as day. Those screams are still in my head. And the feeling of gouging eyes with all the rage you have in you makes my hands shake still if I remember it. I didn't kill the guy but I know I hurt him tremendously. Rationality says I was boxed into a corner with no way out and that I did what was necessary to stay living, but if only it were so easy to brush off the feeling of making a horrible mistake. I immediately left Vancouver that night. A few months later into the canadian winter in Alberta that was where I lost my will to keep going and swiped that shotgun. It's kind of funny I think, but you know what makes me happy? I was able to break back into that farmer's house and return the shotgun when I decided that it wasn't time to die yet. There's a part of me that wants to go back to that house someday and talk to the man who lived there.
504
« on: May 27, 2020, 01:45:11 AM »
Considering my views on sex? I'm on the fence. On one hand, you've got this massive industry that capitalizes on a basic human instinct and warps it into something lesser. In poorer countries people are drafted into the sex industry with no choice. And in the modern sex industry in so called civilized countries there's a lot of rampant abuse as well. On the other hand, there's people making choices in their life willingly to participate in the whole thing. I can't stop them from that, and all I can say is that if that's their thing, then so be it.
I won't say that it's just a job however. Crawling in shit in a hazmat suit is a job, but you don't see too many gleefully lining up for that do you? There's a limit for everybody in their self worth. And whether or not they want to delude themselves into thinking it, sex workers are at the bottom of the totem. I don't know your stance on sexuality, but I can tell you mine. I believe if you're going to do it, it's with somebody you cherish. Anything beyond that is either vapid or simplistic need, and it's lowering yourself down a notch in quality.
For you this will either be an act that sits well, in the middle ground, or poorly. You can't undo the poorly if you draw that card. So ask yourself if it's worth your trouble to be a gambler and lose for three hundred dollars. And, fuck dude, three hundred dollars will vanish quick. Cash is cash. It always vanishes, and you can always make it somewhere else without having to sell your integrity.
505
« on: May 27, 2020, 01:21:33 AM »
What’s the skinny on your writing, at the moment/over the last four years?
as far as my novel goes, the pen has officially made contact with the paper, and as you would imagine, the quarantine has given me ample excuse to work on it more than i ever have—which makes me feel like a gross opportunist, but whatever
i'm at a point where i can play the entire story out in my head like a movie from beginning to end—it's just a matter of getting it all down on the page, which is easier said than done, but relatively speaking, i'm making headway on it
but i'm also pacing myself—a lot of writers will tell you that you should write even if you don't feel like writing, but personally, i think that's an extremely unhealthy way of looking at it, and a good way to burn yourself out, or to start resenting your passion
if i don't feel like writing for a week, i don't write for a week—i'm looking at this as an artistic endeavor, not a commercial one, so there's no sense in rushing if all i want to do is tell a good and meaningful story
i'm also trying to come to grips that it doesn't have to be perfect, and that not everybody has to enjoy it—in fact, it's my intention for it to be somewhat alienating, but comforting to those who absolutely need it
it's a tricky process and it might take me all summer yet, but i appreciate your interest
frankly, nothing has held me back more than college has—enrolling to my university straight out of high school in 2014 was the single biggest mistake of my life, but it'll be all over in just one more semester
Undertaking a novel? May I ask what sort?
506
« on: May 26, 2020, 07:58:47 PM »
That's a complicated question with a complicated answer.
Was there one event or was it a gradual slide into despair
I feel like I can't really say I "hate" life anymore because things just aren't as bad as they used to be. Life is still pretty shit overall but it'll never come close to how it was. From having my first major existential crisis in 4th/5th grade to being kicked out, going homeless and losing everything and everyone I cared about. I don't hate simply existing anymore, for the most part I'm fairly okay with it.
Could make a lengthy blog post but it's whatever.
I spent an unhealthy amount of time on this forum as a sort of crutch for how much my life was falling apart.
Ah, you did some time on the streets and came out of it too huh. Good on you for managing to pull yourself out. I know how hard it can be to get out of that circle.
I fought against it from happening every single step of the way and ultimately I was still powerless towards preventing it from happening. The hardest part about it was how goddamn hard I tried to do things right but how I lacked any control whatsoever of the situation. It was like I accidentally bumped into the boulder, and once it started rolling down the hill there was no stopping it no matter how desperately I tried to.
I kept trying and trying and trying and it seemed like I kept getting curbstomped into the ground. I remember this overwhelming feeling that I wanted to just give up but for some reason I just didn't, this feeling that I was continuing the crawl forward against my will despite being kicked and stepped on over and over along the way. I didn't want to keep going, but I did anyway.
I'm still around and kicking, and will continue to do so. But I find that my drive and passion is gone, washed up. The motivation I had back then, when I pushed through ridiculous amounts of bullshit to make things happen despite it, it's gone. I don't trust people, I don't have faith in anything. Been pretty socially isolated even before this pandemic stuff started. Yet for some reason I still hope that one day I'll be in a comfortable enough position where I'm self sustaining and content with my life. I still hope that one day my motivation will come back and I can actually do something meaningful with my life, in whatever capacity it may be.
Never too late to start anew. I spent five years as a wanderer with no place to stay and no income. Managed to keep myself alive by stealing money from people, just enough so as not to be missed, not enough to get attacked by other homeless, but enough to buy food for the day. My home's not much of an upgrade over what I was, a truck camper on a truck, but boy is it nice to have during the winters up here.
I'll tell you some stuff. Motivation doesn't arrive out of the blue. It's all in how you frame reality. At any point in time you can stand up and choose to do it differently. The focal point should never be the difficulty. Problems will always come no matter what you do and how you prepare. What matters is the goal and whether or not you want to let yourself be stopped from reaching it.
And I get the slow crawl. I wake up and go to sleep every day missing a person I love very dearly. Life's dreadfully awful without her company to the point that I don't have much of an existence with any meaning, other than two things. To stick around because I know she'd want me to fight it, and because I want to honor the dream we had and build the house we both wanted to build together. Contentment and happiness take time to re-learn but you gotta be open to it, and on occasion, fight very hard for it.
I never stole anything, but I'd been stolen from plenty of times during that time. Was even held at knife-point once. I dedicated my life to volunteering, because no one was hiring me anyway and all these various organizations were more than happy to take my free labor and I was deluded enough to think I was making a difference. Frankly it was the only thing that gave me a sense of purpose. It was also a good way to meet people that let me crash their couches though. I've won tons of small scholarships for all the work I did and they were supposed to help me go to university. All of it went to rent. In any case, eventually I managed to attempt attending community college despite still not having stable housing, had a really rocky semester and then I got in contact with my current roommate. He's basically the only reason I've been in relatively stable housing for the last few years.
Oh, I was stolen from too early on. After losing my first backpack of shit which was essentially my lifeline I developed careful habits. Avoided city and town centers and took note of active homeless gatherings so that I could avoid them as much as possible. I stuck to the fringes of bigger cities and did most of my pillaging in small towns I was passing through. I had a couple close calls and did a few abnormally awful things I'm not happy about. That and the theiving of course. I guess it's why I'm not stingy with my money with people. I aught to repay back what I took.
Five years of that and then I hit my low point. I swiped a shotgun from a farmer and headed out into the woods during the winter intending to blow the back of my head out. I just about accomplished it even after I chose not to. Freezing fingers pulled the trigger and it went off next to head. Permanently deaf on my left side now. Small price to pay I think.
Shit dude. I was only out there for a little less than a year. One of my biggest fears was falling to this point I considered the "point of no return", you might know what I mean. You can see it on a lot of people, the fact that they'll likely never be functional again. I kept myself busy, always working, always doing something. A lot of people in that local community knew my face, because any time there was an event I was there and I probably helped with set-up and tear-down. Was decently connected too since I had a smart phone and laptops that people gave me. The worst things I had stolen was my bike and later my moped, but besides that I did a relatively decent job storing my things with people who I trusted enough to not fuck with my shit too much.
Yes, I hear you. It's another one of the reasons why I tended to stay away from homeless populations. There's some people you genuinely look at and you can't help but wonder how they're alive. It's a level of despair so deep it's difficult to comprehend. That and it spreads like a virus. Stick around a group of the downtrodden and you'll feel it. As for stuff, during those five years it was me and everything that I could fit into a backpack or carry on it. I think the largest amount of money I ever stole was close to two hundred dollars, and that was only because the person I'd studied and watched for several days was a drug dealer. I had no qualms taking all I could get from him. But that was one of the things that almost cost me my life. With regular people, I made a point never to steal anything that might actually be valuable. I scrounged for pocket change and people's random dollar bills. The max I ever took from regular people was twenty a shot.
507
« on: May 26, 2020, 02:37:25 PM »
That's a complicated question with a complicated answer.
Was there one event or was it a gradual slide into despair
I feel like I can't really say I "hate" life anymore because things just aren't as bad as they used to be. Life is still pretty shit overall but it'll never come close to how it was. From having my first major existential crisis in 4th/5th grade to being kicked out, going homeless and losing everything and everyone I cared about. I don't hate simply existing anymore, for the most part I'm fairly okay with it.
Could make a lengthy blog post but it's whatever.
I spent an unhealthy amount of time on this forum as a sort of crutch for how much my life was falling apart.
Ah, you did some time on the streets and came out of it too huh. Good on you for managing to pull yourself out. I know how hard it can be to get out of that circle.
I fought against it from happening every single step of the way and ultimately I was still powerless towards preventing it from happening. The hardest part about it was how goddamn hard I tried to do things right but how I lacked any control whatsoever of the situation. It was like I accidentally bumped into the boulder, and once it started rolling down the hill there was no stopping it no matter how desperately I tried to.
I kept trying and trying and trying and it seemed like I kept getting curbstomped into the ground. I remember this overwhelming feeling that I wanted to just give up but for some reason I just didn't, this feeling that I was continuing the crawl forward against my will despite being kicked and stepped on over and over along the way. I didn't want to keep going, but I did anyway.
I'm still around and kicking, and will continue to do so. But I find that my drive and passion is gone, washed up. The motivation I had back then, when I pushed through ridiculous amounts of bullshit to make things happen despite it, it's gone. I don't trust people, I don't have faith in anything. Been pretty socially isolated even before this pandemic stuff started. Yet for some reason I still hope that one day I'll be in a comfortable enough position where I'm self sustaining and content with my life. I still hope that one day my motivation will come back and I can actually do something meaningful with my life, in whatever capacity it may be.
Never too late to start anew. I spent five years as a wanderer with no place to stay and no income. Managed to keep myself alive by stealing money from people, just enough so as not to be missed, not enough to get attacked by other homeless, but enough to buy food for the day. My home's not much of an upgrade over what I was, a truck camper on a truck, but boy is it nice to have during the winters up here.
I'll tell you some stuff. Motivation doesn't arrive out of the blue. It's all in how you frame reality. At any point in time you can stand up and choose to do it differently. The focal point should never be the difficulty. Problems will always come no matter what you do and how you prepare. What matters is the goal and whether or not you want to let yourself be stopped from reaching it.
And I get the slow crawl. I wake up and go to sleep every day missing a person I love very dearly. Life's dreadfully awful without her company to the point that I don't have much of an existence with any meaning, other than two things. To stick around because I know she'd want me to fight it, and because I want to honor the dream we had and build the house we both wanted to build together. Contentment and happiness take time to re-learn but you gotta be open to it, and on occasion, fight very hard for it.
I never stole anything, but I'd been stolen from plenty of times during that time. Was even held at knife-point once. I dedicated my life to volunteering, because no one was hiring me anyway and all these various organizations were more than happy to take my free labor and I was deluded enough to think I was making a difference. Frankly it was the only thing that gave me a sense of purpose. It was also a good way to meet people that let me crash their couches though. I've won tons of small scholarships for all the work I did and they were supposed to help me go to university. All of it went to rent. In any case, eventually I managed to attempt attending community college despite still not having stable housing, had a really rocky semester and then I got in contact with my current roommate. He's basically the only reason I've been in relatively stable housing for the last few years.
Oh, I was stolen from too early on. After losing my first backpack of shit which was essentially my lifeline I developed careful habits. Avoided city and town centers and took note of active homeless gatherings so that I could avoid them as much as possible. I stuck to the fringes of bigger cities and did most of my pillaging in small towns I was passing through. I had a couple close calls and did a few abnormally awful things I'm not happy about. That and the theiving of course. I guess it's why I'm not stingy with my money with people. I aught to repay back what I took. Five years of that and then I hit my low point. I swiped a shotgun from a farmer and headed out into the woods during the winter intending to blow the back of my head out. I just about accomplished it even after I chose not to. Freezing fingers pulled the trigger and it went off next to head. Permanently deaf on my left side now. Small price to pay I think.
508
« on: May 26, 2020, 02:29:30 AM »
That's a complicated question with a complicated answer.
Was there one event or was it a gradual slide into despair
I feel like I can't really say I "hate" life anymore because things just aren't as bad as they used to be. Life is still pretty shit overall but it'll never come close to how it was. From having my first major existential crisis in 4th/5th grade to being kicked out, going homeless and losing everything and everyone I cared about. I don't hate simply existing anymore, for the most part I'm fairly okay with it.
Could make a lengthy blog post but it's whatever.
I spent an unhealthy amount of time on this forum as a sort of crutch for how much my life was falling apart.
Ah, you did some time on the streets and came out of it too huh. Good on you for managing to pull yourself out. I know how hard it can be to get out of that circle.
I fought against it from happening every single step of the way and ultimately I was still powerless towards preventing it from happening. The hardest part about it was how goddamn hard I tried to do things right but how I lacked any control whatsoever of the situation. It was like I accidentally bumped into the boulder, and once it started rolling down the hill there was no stopping it no matter how desperately I tried to.
I kept trying and trying and trying and it seemed like I kept getting curbstomped into the ground. I remember this overwhelming feeling that I wanted to just give up but for some reason I just didn't, this feeling that I was continuing the crawl forward against my will despite being kicked and stepped on over and over along the way. I didn't want to keep going, but I did anyway.
I'm still around and kicking, and will continue to do so. But I find that my drive and passion is gone, washed up. The motivation I had back then, when I pushed through ridiculous amounts of bullshit to make things happen despite it, it's gone. I don't trust people, I don't have faith in anything. Been pretty socially isolated even before this pandemic stuff started. Yet for some reason I still hope that one day I'll be in a comfortable enough position where I'm self sustaining and content with my life. I still hope that one day my motivation will come back and I can actually do something meaningful with my life, in whatever capacity it may be.
Never too late to start anew. I spent five years as a wanderer with no place to stay and no income. Managed to keep myself alive by stealing money from people, just enough so as not to be missed, not enough to get attacked by other homeless, but enough to buy food for the day. My home's not much of an upgrade over what I was, a truck camper on a truck, but boy is it nice to have during the winters up here. I'll tell you some stuff. Motivation doesn't arrive out of the blue. It's all in how you frame reality. At any point in time you can stand up and choose to do it differently. The focal point should never be the difficulty. Problems will always come no matter what you do and how you prepare. What matters is the goal and whether or not you want to let yourself be stopped from reaching it. And I get the slow crawl. I wake up and go to sleep every day missing a person I love very dearly. Life's dreadfully awful without her company to the point that I don't have much of an existence with any meaning, other than two things. To stick around because I know she'd want me to fight it, and because I want to honor the dream we had and build the house we both wanted to build together. Contentment and happiness take time to re-learn but you gotta be open to it, and on occasion, fight very hard for it.
509
« on: May 25, 2020, 09:38:22 PM »
That's a complicated question with a complicated answer.
Was there one event or was it a gradual slide into despair
I feel like I can't really say I "hate" life anymore because things just aren't as bad as they used to be. Life is still pretty shit overall but it'll never come close to how it was. From having my first major existential crisis in 4th/5th grade to being kicked out, going homeless and losing everything and everyone I cared about. I don't hate simply existing anymore, for the most part I'm fairly okay with it.
Could make a lengthy blog post but it's whatever.
I spent an unhealthy amount of time on this forum as a sort of crutch for how much my life was falling apart.
Ah, you did some time on the streets and came out of it too huh. Good on you for managing to pull yourself out. I know how hard it can be to get out of that circle.
510
« on: May 25, 2020, 09:02:54 PM »
Oldfag rings a bell, not enough to conjure anything for memory though. In any case, nice to meet ya.
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