Would anyone be able to critique this? (Project Exodus 21st Century)

BaconShelf | Mythic Inconceivable!
 
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Been doing a mass-writing session. Thoughts on this entry of a brief overview of the 21st Century in my universe? Note that it is more of an overview-type thing than a narrative. However, the more recent years (IE 2600-2700) are vastly more detailed.

Spoiler
In the early 21st century, humans looked to the stars and other planets as a source of hope. In those systems and bodies, there were innumerable bounties to be had in the form of exotic minerals and ores.

In 2018, an unmanned mars mission confirmed the possibility of alien life as bacterial microbes were found under the Martian surface. When this discovery was made, space travel was given increased funding as nations the world over looked towards the red planet. Several robotic drones began work under the surface to carve out tunnels and bunkers in preparation of the first colonists.

In 2052, the first explorers landed on the rocky surface of the desert world. For a time, peace seemed possible as all of humanity had a shared goal. One year later, outposts would be set up on Earth’s moon. In Suez, construction began on an orbital tether to transport people and materials off-world.

In 2054, this peace was shot down. In spite of the best scientific research available, rising waters had beaten back the best defences available. Within months, the long held-back seas flooded many parts of the world; the Amazon and parts of Australia became seas and Antarctica was transformed into a dry island chain. Mass migration from the flooded areas reignited political tensions across the globe and militaries clashed in small scale conflicts everywhere over anything that could be fought over- food, clean water, living space and old squabbles were some of but many reasons people began to fight; the colonists of Luna and Mars all but forgotten in the rush to war.

In the midst of the fighting, there were still those who put their talents towards other endeavours. The newly-formed NAF (North-Atlantic Federation) enforced an exclusion zone around the Suez Canal to keep its warships able to quickly get to the Indian Ocean and protect the Suez tether, still under construction. Pressures by NAF put extreme work into the tether as war was waged to gather resources to complete the elevator. Officially, the idea would be to manufacture the world’s first spacefaring warship, though not all the researchers and scientists supported putting armaments on the first large spacecraft.

By 2061, the tether would be in working condition. Almost immediately, the first materials sent to the newly created space station would be cannons and other military equipment. The first major spacecraft would be equipped with precision cannons to conduct orbital strikes on NAF’s enemies. With this overarching power, the Russian, Chinese and Korean armies agreed to an alliance. The East-Asia Association would temporarily set aside their differences to instead face a much larger threat that couldn’t be fought. Development started of an anti=orbital weapon, designed to take down the NAF’s starships- Project Fireguard. The cannon- the first successful application of coilgun technology in a weaponised form- would remain secret right until its first test; space plane fighters would lure in the NAF Trinity (One of the three warships in service of the Exonavy at the time alongside the Catalyst and Bladedancer.) into a location above the Himalayan Mountains, before opening fire with the cannon.

The weapon would see the first use of ground-space cannons in 2065. However, this plan backfired when the Trinity fell onto the Chinese city of Shanghai, devastating the area with lethal radiation and nuclear explosions. In the wake of this attack, NAF warships proceeded to bombard the EAA cities and bases, leaving nothing in their wake. Only after seven cities had been reduced to rubble did the EAA agree to a formal surrender in 2066.

Twelve years after the beginning of conflict, civilisation could now focus on the problem of an increasingly toxic atmosphere and climate offset by the destruction of Trinity and the resulting major destruction.
For another three years, life would be difficult for all with food shortages and living space increasingly rare. In 2069, the Dark Age of Conflict would truly be over, The total dead from the combined effects of the conflicts would number over two billion, leaving the world population averaging on roughly eight billion when two large colony ships- the Armstrong and Aldrin- filled with over 10,000 passengers would begin their journey to Europa, Titan, Mars and Luna for study and exploration.

This Age of Expansion once again brought great benefits to Earth; the Asteroid Belt would provide a great wealth of minerals and gases. The NAF would disband, to be replaced by the United Nations and Colonies of Earth and expansion would begin across the solar system.
In 2090, the first major terraforming station would be set up on Mars, subtly altering the planet’s atmosphere and magnetosphere to make the planet habitable by humans. Within three years, the planet had a breathable atmosphere. Within another five, water and plants covered the surface like Earth and construction of the first cities and farms began on the surface. Slowly, the human population of earth began to migrate to Mars, with another billion people settling the planet by 2100.

EDIT- Part 2 is in the following spoiler;

Spoiler
Martian Microbes

The 2018 Mars mission brought the most incredible discovery for humankind since the splitting of the atom; microbial life was discovered below the radioactive and rocky surface of Mars, proof that humans were not alone in the universe. This discovery put the world into frenzy- all of a sudden, there was reason to go to another world and within months, plans were drawn up for the first explorers and astronauts to be sent up to the Red Planet. A craft containing a Lander and crew from five nations- the USA, UK, Japanese, Russian and Indian joint mission named the Athena Project. The craft was also to contain a miniature laboratory for the study of bacterial and rock samples from the surface as well as two rifles and other gear for transmission and study. The components were launched from launch pads and manufacturers all over the planet, arriving at the International Space Station and being assembled in orbit. The total build and launch time would eventually take ten years, with launch in 2032. Elsewhere in the galaxy, this was the beginning of civil war between extraterrestrial civilisations; A day of harmony and destruction for two civilisations on different sides of one star.

On Mars, the exploration mission proved to be critical success; below the Martian surface were a series of linked cave networks which were not only lined with uncountable amounts of ores and minerals, but something even more valuable- a green sludge that not only survived, but thrived in the caves under Mars’ deserts. Generating heat on a massive scale, the microbes appeared to absorb the radiation presented by Sol that hit the surface. In these caverns, radiation levels were less than the background levels of Earth itself! They ate carbon dioxide and gave out oxygen, living on the carbon dioxide ice that covered Mars. In the caves, the ice melted into liquid carbon dioxide rivers where the bacteria would absorb it and give out mass heat and oxygen. This process made a liveable, breathable environment for humans to live in. When samples were brought for study, it wasn't long until a new wave of radiation treatments and applications were envisioned for a new era of life-support systems in suits and space craft. These developments soon made one of the most critical aspects of space travel- how to keep humans alive- an easy advancement. Now, space colonisation and travel was becoming a reality.

*   *   *

Colonisation

Not long after the Athena Project, talks were had about sending more people up into space. Athena had proved it was now feasible, and the newly named Martia Phormidium had radically changed space travel. Scientists now wanted to send permanent settlements up into the Martian skies, and full support was given. In preparation of this monumental event, excavation drones began carving and mining and building underground dwellings, even installing experimental life support machines and using advanced 3D printing technology to make everything needed for survival- the only thing missing would be colonists themselves.

 Advanced research produced space planes that could operate in an atmosphere or the cold depths of space. The world economy was revitalised and industry went into overdrive. Science was now given anything it needed, the worldwide peace cutting back military projects in favour of clean energy and travel. This multi-national project incorporated every language and nationality for a truly unified settlement; on August 12th, 2052, 120 people boarded the shuttles for the transport ships Athena and Odyssey- the former a copy of the latter ship used in the original landings. The ships would take four months to arrive at the planet, landing via space planes on the 28th of December, 2052.

In the following years, another expedition would take place, landing settlers on Luna to set up a research base on Earth’s Moon. The Athena and Odyssey would continue serving as transport ferries, shuttling more and more colonists to the two worlds between 2053 and 2054. The main settlements on Mars would be Elysium One and Two (E-1 and E-2), based on and around the caves at Elysium Mons which harboured the new alien life. The colonies would begin creating new buildings and within five years, the underground bunkers linked into an aboveground settlement with several buildings. A spaceport was set up for transport of materials to orbit and gradually, Martian materials soon became a commodity on Earth for all sorts of purposes in all ways of life, replacing the diminishing resources of Earth’s own deposits. In 2053, work would start on a first-generation orbital tether in Suez, based next to the famous and vital canal. When completed, the tether would be able to transport materials to space 100 times easier than shuttles, and let nations build craft in orbital shipyards.

After the outbreak of conflict in 2054, Martian ores would be put to use to building next-generation battleships and weapons. For months, the worldwide arms race would leave the Luna and Martian settlers forgotten, until armed conflict broke out inside the settlements themselves. Some people disagreed with sending materials to Earth to fuel war, while others bonded over supporting various nations. On Luna, a fatal breach would wipe out the entire colony, while western-supporting idealists gained victory on Mars. This partially ensured that the later NAF would gain control of orbital and spacecraft technology later into the Conflict Age.

*   *   *

The Conflict Era

In 2054, science would be able to hold back the Earth’s rising waters no more. The last of the melting ice in the poles would break the defences of cities all over the world. In weeks, millions were displaced from their homes and searching for new places to live. Borders became useless to the flood of immigration and soon, many countries would be strained to breaking point while trying to cope with the crisis. The peace couldn’t last any longer, and armies militarised to converge in clashes across the globe. The USA, UK, France, Canada and Ireland came together as the North Atlantic Federation, with their interests of protecting each other.
 At this time, oil was becoming almost nonexistent on Earth, and other planets had failed to produce other alternatives. With conflict threatening to wipe out this source completely, the NAF moved on the Middle East and north Atlantic reserves.

 To support this campaign, a fleet of battleships moved into the Suez Canal, aiming to protect the tether and provide a gateway into the waters beyond. The fleet, consisting of five aircraft carriers and twenty battleships, blockaded all entry into the peninsula for many years, while using advanced artillery to support invasion campaigns on the oil fields. Meanwhile, Russia and China went to war all along their border, while Korea initiated an invasion of the Japanese islands.

This naval superiority kept attacks at bay for years, right until the tether’s completion in 2061. Then, the true reason for emphasis on completing it was realised; the tether was not for peaceful purposes- the first cargo to be sent was a series of weapons to be mounted on the two existing transport ships in orbit, as well as construction for a new special-purpose warship; the Trinity.

 The power of orbital weapons did not go unnoticed, and a coalition of Russia, Korea and China would unite under the name of the East Asia Association and begin to work to create a weapon to fight this power; Project Fireguard. The weapon was a large coil gun, accelerating a projectile to 0.999% the speed of light, able to hit a target with pinpoint accuracy. For three years, Fireguard would remain secret as the NAF’s new battleships continued to dominate all enemies they faced. It wasn’t long until the NAF’s armies and navies were on the doorstep of the EAA’s cities. In desperation, Fireguard was activated early; the Q-17 Nomad Space Fighters lured in the heavy cruiser Trinity to just above the site of the cannon’s build site, in the Himalayan Mountains. Immediately, the cannon opened fire, devastating the Trinity in a single shot. However, this premature firing would destroy the Fireguard’s reactors due to the energy levels required to fire it.

This attack provoked the NAF into immediate action, launching an all-out offensive on the EAA’s land and eventually capturing or destroying seven cities, and threatening to obliterate the others before the EAA surrendered. After 12 long years, peace was now possible, and the NAF ruled the Earth. Now, the little resources humanity had left could be put into rebuilding the devastated cities all around the globe.

In 2069, two more colony ships would be built- the Aldrin and Armstrong- to accompany the decommissioned Odyssey and Athena in exploring and colonising the universe. The NAF would be disbanded in this event and restructured into the United Nations and Colonies of Earth. At long last, World War Three had ended, and now the Expansion Age was beginning.
Last Edit: October 04, 2014, 04:09:15 PM by BaconShelf


Yu | Mythic Inconceivable!
 
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Almost always, with moderation
Paragraphs would be nice.


BaconShelf | Mythic Inconceivable!
 
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Paragraphs would be nice.

Dun goofed when copied here.


Relatively Quiet | Respected Posting Spree
 
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Paragraphs would be nice.

Just a little bit of spacing between them might help too.


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Paragraphs would be nice.

Just a little bit of spacing between them might help too.


Done.


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Paragraphs would be nice.

Just a little bit of spacing between them might help too.


Done.

My eyes! They can see! You've cured me! Praise him!


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Maybe I just don't have good taste or a good head for writers, but to me, this seems, in a way, kind of dry. A bit like a dictionary. Although, like you said, it wasn't from a story standpoint. So in a way, this could be something that's talked about in class by a stuffy old teacher. In which case, you did a good job!


Yu | Mythic Inconceivable!
 
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Seems believable just needs to be fleshed out, like specifics on technology.


BaconShelf | Mythic Inconceivable!
 
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Seems believable just needs to be fleshed out, like specifics on technology.

Yeah. I already have ideas for some stuff, and the 2018 mars thing is based off a real mars mission being launched in 2018. However, I feel like going in-depth with, say, how the orbital tether was built would massively detract from the history aspect of it. Also, the main setting is the year 2702, with major events happening in the 2160's, 2300's and 2650's. As such, the 21st century is relatively undetailed when compared to the other dates in-universe.

Maybe I just don't have good taste or a good head for writers, but to me, this seems, in a way, kind of dry. A bit like a dictionary. Although, like you said, it wasn't from a story standpoint. So in a way, this could be something that's talked about in class by a stuffy old teacher. In which case, you did a good job!

I've tried writing from a traditional narrative standpoint before but I get bored of only having one character's viewpoint when I can have ideas about hundreds of parts of one battle. I'm like Bungie; great at world building in terms of lore but the character stories are less than great. The style I've adopted here was kindof inspired from the Silmarillion and suits me better, as someone who wants to go through and detailevery aspect of a battle rather than one viewpoint.


 
Mat Cauthon
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Pretty good, if you're just going for a quick background to a story.
It needs some more fleshing out, but you definitely have an eye for it.

You mentioned the Silmarillion.
Yeah, I can see it. Similar style.
Last Edit: October 03, 2014, 05:58:15 PM by Byrne


BaconShelf | Mythic Inconceivable!
 
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Pretty good, if you're just going for a quick background to a story.
It needs some more fleshing out, but you definitely have an eye for it.

Yeah. This is 700 years in the past to the 'current day' lore, so I feel it would be useless detailing it more than is done already for technology that would be comparably obsolete and events that are historical equivalent to the Dark Ages. However, every century after has much more lore in it than its' predecessor.

Coming up next time, colonisation of other planets, interstellar war and first contact!


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Seems believable just needs to be fleshed out, like specifics on technology.
this
but be careful if you delve too far into 'hard sci-fi' and you frack up the math/physics engineering you'll have people poking holes into every aspect that is tied to your slip.
Last Edit: October 03, 2014, 06:07:02 PM by Comet


BaconShelf | Mythic Inconceivable!
 
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Seems believable just needs to be fleshed out, like specifics on technology.
this
but be careful if you delve too far into 'hard sci-fi' and you frack up the math/physics engineering you'll have people poking holes into every aspect that is tied to your slip.

Bar a few examples (Mainly one species that are essentially gods in their own right so they can create matter and energy from nothing as well as a bunch of other examples), I'm trying to keep everything fairly grounded in physics. I don't want to go the Destiny route and essentially have space magic as the answer to everything. All weapons have a real grounding and EMP actually behaves as it does IRL, not how most scifi has it.

However, I'm not letting that get in the way of a good idea- if I think of something I can't let go, I'm willing to subvert science if it will improve an aspect of the lore or story. I think its important to get a balance of the two and as an A Level physics student, I'm confident I'll be keeping everything fairly 'possible' (Excluding the space gods)

However, I'm not going amazingly in-depth as I have with other stuff for 21st century as it is obsolete tech by the 2700's and would only be studied as history :3
Last Edit: October 03, 2014, 06:14:27 PM by BaconShelf


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Seems believable just needs to be fleshed out, like specifics on technology.

Yeah. I already have ideas for some stuff, and the 2018 mars thing is based off a real mars mission being launched in 2018. However, I feel like going in-depth with, say, how the orbital tether was built would massively detract from the history aspect of it. Also, the main setting is the year 2702, with major events happening in the 2160's, 2300's and 2650's. As such, the 21st century is relatively undetailed when compared to the other dates in-universe.

Maybe I just don't have good taste or a good head for writers, but to me, this seems, in a way, kind of dry. A bit like a dictionary. Although, like you said, it wasn't from a story standpoint. So in a way, this could be something that's talked about in class by a stuffy old teacher. In which case, you did a good job!

I've tried writing from a traditional narrative standpoint before but I get bored of only having one character's viewpoint when I can have ideas about hundreds of parts of one battle. I'm like Bungie; great at world building in terms of lore but the character stories are less than great. The style I've adopted here was kindof inspired from the Silmarillion and suits me better, as someone who wants to go through and detailevery aspect of a battle rather than one viewpoint.

I have a friend, that one day might like to meet you, if he ever comes back. When he does, I'm going to see if I can direct him here. He's talked to me, about a lot of things. And a lot of it was about how alone he felt, especially in regards to knowing fellow writers. He's given me stories, and I admit, I'm just not big into stories too much. But I know he'd probably be interested in what you have here. Keep in touch with this place, right?  ;)


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Seems believable just needs to be fleshed out, like specifics on technology.

Yeah. I already have ideas for some stuff, and the 2018 mars thing is based off a real mars mission being launched in 2018. However, I feel like going in-depth with, say, how the orbital tether was built would massively detract from the history aspect of it. Also, the main setting is the year 2702, with major events happening in the 2160's, 2300's and 2650's. As such, the 21st century is relatively undetailed when compared to the other dates in-universe.

Maybe I just don't have good taste or a good head for writers, but to me, this seems, in a way, kind of dry. A bit like a dictionary. Although, like you said, it wasn't from a story standpoint. So in a way, this could be something that's talked about in class by a stuffy old teacher. In which case, you did a good job!

I've tried writing from a traditional narrative standpoint before but I get bored of only having one character's viewpoint when I can have ideas about hundreds of parts of one battle. I'm like Bungie; great at world building in terms of lore but the character stories are less than great. The style I've adopted here was kindof inspired from the Silmarillion and suits me better, as someone who wants to go through and detailevery aspect of a battle rather than one viewpoint.

I have a friend, that one day might like to meet you, if he ever comes back. When he does, I'm going to see if I can direct him here. He's talked to me, about a lot of things. And a lot of it was about how alone he felt, especially in regards to knowing fellow writers. He's given me stories, and I admit, I'm just not big into stories too much. But I know he'd probably be interested in what you have here. Keep in touch with this place, right?  ;)


I have this page that I use to update other lore aspects for miscellaneous stuff if you're interested :3

http://project-exodus.wikia.com/wiki/Exodus_Wiki


BaconShelf | Mythic Inconceivable!
 
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Added part 2 :3


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Great stuff

"2069"


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Great stuff

"2069"


That's 2,387 words on a century that is essentially irrelevant to modern lore. You can hopefully imagine the amount to write on the 2600's.


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Great stuff

"2069"


That's 2,387 words on a century that is essentially irrelevant to modern lore. You can hopefully imagine the amount to write on the 2600's.
I imagine that it must cross into the tens of thousands of words with ease


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Great stuff

"2069"


That's 2,387 words on a century that is essentially irrelevant to modern lore. You can hopefully imagine the amount to write on the 2600's.
I imagine that it must cross into the tens of thousands of words with ease

I have documents detailing well over 150 human worlds and a bunch more WIP alien worlds. When the S'pher kick humans out of every system, I will be detailing every battle with precision.


 
Cheat
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Hmm...
The first bit seems too...template-like.

Quote
In whatever-year blah blah the something WOULD BE blah blah.

It reads like a prologue, but then it starts to delve into specifics. You need to pick one and either trim the fat to make it not as boring or scrape the info-introduction method and tell the story naturally.

And that's another thing: You don't want to give all the history away at the beginning. This sort of stuff is perfect for dialogue between the main character and NPC's or just filler chatter. Be mysterious.


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The first bit seems too...template-like.

Quote
In whatever-year blah blah the something WOULD BE blah blah.

It reads like a prologue, but then it starts to delve into specifics. You need to pick one and either trim the fat to make it not as boring or scrape the info-introduction method and tell the story naturally.

And that's another thing: You don't want to give all the history away at the beginning. This sort of stuff is perfect for dialogue between the main character and NPC's or just filler chatter. Be mysterious.


Think about it more as a Silmarillion type thing. I tried writing as characters but got bored so I decided to go through and do the history.


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See you Cowgirl,
Someday, somewhere
Needs more me.


 
 
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<.<
That was an enjoyable read <.<

I do like Sci-fi set in the breakout period, where we try to leave the cradle as it were >.>

I look forwards to the next bit :D

The only bit I found a little odd was the carbon dioxide rivers <.<
In order for it to be a liquid it would have to be around -80c which conflicts with the idea of the massive amounts of heat produced by the bacteria >.>

Just a little scientific niggle there lol.