1. Devilman: Crybaby (8/10)
2. Grave of the Fireflies (8/10)
3. Neon Genesis Evangelion: The End of Evangelion (8/10)
4. Angel's Egg (7/10)
5. Texhnolyze (7/10)
Thoughts on every anime I've seen so far (Robert Christgau style):A Silent Voice
(Naoko Yamada, Kyoto Animation, 2016) It's incredible how people can watch the same kind of movie over and over again without growing completely bored of it. None of them offend me to my core or anything, but... I've seen this shit, time and time again. 5/10Akira
(Katsuhiro Otomo, Tokyo Movie Shinsha, 1988) A stylish aesthetic can't stop a mostly dull oeuvre from feeling longer than its runtime. Incredibly overrated, but by no means terrible.
(Mamoru Oshii, Studio DEEN, 1985) When I watched Mamoru Oshii's most celebrated film, Ghost in the Shell
, I only gave it a four-word review—"complete waste of time," and I completely stand by that. So, when I spotted another one of his films in my queue, I naturally found myself putting it off. As my list grows narrower, however, I decided on a whim the other night that I would just strike it off—and I'm glad I did, because I wound up finding a new favorite of mine. Folks... I loved
this one. And yeah, it's a bit artsy, so I wouldn't actually recommend it to anybody unless you want to try something a little "different," or if you're intrigued by its goth-punk aesthetic. But what really
makes it work for me is just how careful, intimate, and genuinely beautiful the imagery is. It's an interpretive feast for anyone who loves vague symbolism—something I've criticized other shows for, like Evangelion
—but whereas that show felt very useless and self-indulgent with its depictions, Angel's Egg
feels very authentic. There is almost no spoken dialogue whatsoever, which allows the viewer to enjoy and absorb every last beat for himself, without being distracted by some terrible voice actress's squealing. It creates this bizarrely ominous atmosphere that's just not present in any other anime I've ever seen, and I've tried sixty of them. I also have to note that, despite the fact that this indeed an animated Japanese film featuring a young female protagonist, she is never sexualized—which is an absolutely incredible thing to say when you really think about it. The movie does contain a little bit of sexual imagery, but honest to god, for the first time EVER, I actually think it's done rather tastefully, and it actually works well as a thematic element. This is the kind of movie that transcends anime to me. It's exactly what I'm looking for. I might have to rewatch this a bunch of times so I can glean more messages from it, but after my first watch, I'm delighted to have found another anime that I can give a positive review for. I'm not sure if it's quite as good as Grave of the Fireflies
, but that movie was startlingly good, so it's not a fair comparison right now. This score could easily go up, though. Maybe I'll go into my interpretations of it some other time. 7/10Astro Boy
(Mushi Production, 1963, three episodes) An interesting piece of animation history that warrants little more than a respectful glance today. 5/10Attack on Titan
(Wit, 2013, three episodes) Hands down BEST pilot episode for a shonen anime. The steep drop-off in terms of quality after this fucking amazing first episode are why I dropped the show early, but yeah. The first episode is really all you need to see. It's a pretty good metaphor for how I feel about life in general, but it turns into stereotypical trope-y shonen schlock real quick. Not unexpected, but still a shame. 5/10Baccano!
(Brain's Base, 2007, completed) To the show's credit, I did finish it, so it obviously engaged me enough to watch all sixteen episodes. However, it did not engage me enough to ever watch it again, or even consider it that good of a show. The show's strong points are its characters (gasp) and its method of storytelling, which is quite unique when compared with typical anime schlock, and made it seem very fresh and interesting. That's where my appreciation ends. Since I liked the characters, I wanted to learn a lot about them, and I really expected the show to flesh them out more than it ended up doing. There were also a bit too many of them, which made following each and every one of their stories kind of dizzying, and it's easy to pick favorites and least favorites, which made sitting through certain episodes more of a chore than others. Finally, the setting just made me wish I was watching a Western gangster movie instead, because they're all a thousand times better in every single way. This was no Goodfellas
, people. 4/10Bakemonogatari
(Shaft, 2009, five episodes) I've made a decision. At some point in my life—preferably before I turn 25—I'm going to procure a gun. I don't really care how I get it. I don't really care what kind of gun it is, either. It doesn't really matter. The point is, I'll be getting my hands on a firearm within the next few years. That gun is going to hang over my bedpost. Mind you, I wouldn't do anything stupid or drastic with it—it's just going to hang there. Once I move out, I'm going to take it with me, so that every single night that I sleep, it'll always be there over my head. This will serve a symbol—perhaps a monument—to my personal strength and willpower. Because every single time I watch a show like Monogatari
, the constant temptation to just end it all, quickly and painlessly, will literally just be hanging over my head every step of the way—but I'll refuse to give into it. And I know that I'll refuse, because I'll know that the struggle will only be temporary. 0/10Bleach
(Pierrot, 2004, nine episodes) 2/10Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo
(Toei Animation, 2003, one half-episode) 1/10Boku no Pico
(Natural High, 2006, first OVA) 2/10Code Geass
(Sunrise, 2006, ten episodes) I was asked to complete this show, but I just can't. It's just way too fucking stupid, and it has the distinction of having my least favorite artstyle of all time. It's uglier than a neanderthal's miscarried fetus. I just can't handle it. And the writers must have been on crazy, insane amounts of Adderall, too—everything that happens feels like it was written by some 14-year-old with a sugar rush. It's headache-inducing to watch this show for extended periods of time. It's obvious that it's not supposed to be anything else but what it is, and I know some people are gonna get on my ass for that, but I'm a firm believer in the principle of "just because it's meant to be stupid doesn't mean it isn't stupid/cannot be stupid." I'm glad I dropped it when I did; I should've done so earlier. 2/10Colorful
(Sunrise, 2010, Keiichi Hara) I think this film has a lovely message, even if it's a little heavy-handed and the twist itself was highly predictable. That said, it's also low on the tropes and typical standard anime fare that we're all so sick of, and actually gives a pretty palpable insight into the high-pressure environments that some Japanese youths go through during school. It's actually kind of insane. Despite this, for a movie that's called "Colorful," I was disappointed to discover just how bland and washed-out the entire film is. It's actually pretty dull and grey. Is it meant to be symbolic, or ironic in some way? Whatever the case may be, I was expecting a visual feast based on the title alone, but all I got was an eyesore. Kind of a disappointment, and that alone drops for me what would've been a rare positive rating. Oh well. I'd still probably recommend it, though. 5/10Cowboy Bebop
(Sunrise, 1908, thirteen-and-a-half episodes) "Overrated" is a word that I'd like to keep myself from using too often in these, but I'm struggling to find another word that oh-so-perfectly defines this show. However, my little reactionary weebs—that doesn't mean there was nothing about the show that I enjoyed. The coolly distinct atmosphere and lowkey tone of the series was what kept me going for as long as I did, and though I'm not terribly into jazz, I felt like it was a pretty good fit for this series. It gave a lot of scenes an "oddly satisfying" feel. That said, the characters are all annoying as fuck (especially—surprise, surprise—our female leads, Faye and Edward) and I don't give a fuck about any of them. The story isn't very engaging, and I couldn't help but ask myself, "What's the point?" after every "session" (the show's little pretentious way of saying "episode"). That said, it's still probably one of the better shows I've partially trudged through. I think it's rather telling how the best-of-the-best anime always seem to be inspired by Western styles, ideas, or sensibilities. I still don't have the heart to finish it, though. Sorry. 5/10Cromartie High School
(Production I.G, 2003, four episodes) Not a terrible show, but I don't have any desire to watch it further. It's not doing anything to hold my attention, and I don't feel at all connected to the subgenre that it's clearly parodying. It also looks a lot like Fist of the North Star
, which is a style that I don't find very easy on the eyes, and overall, there's just nothing too special about it. I'm over it. 5/10Death Note
(Madhouse, 2006, completed) Not gonna lie—if this show ended at episode 25 (and you weebs should know which one I'm talking about), I would've given this a positive rating, easily. I was actually enjoying myself for the first half. It has a really clever and captivating story at first, with lots of really cool and unique yet oddly sympathetic characters, but after that ONE episode, things start to get REALLY fucking retarded really fast. Obviously I've known about this show for ages, and I honestly think it has the coolest and most interesting premise of all time when it comes to anime (even if it's a little Hot Topic)—but even that can't save it from the typical anime trappings that drown it to death by the show's end, and I'm glad to hear that, among weebs, I'm not alone when it comes to feeling this way—so I highly doubt my thoughts are really going to upset anybody. 5/10Digimon Adventure
(Toei, 1999, ten episodes + change) I saw a few episodes of this as a kid, so I decided to revisit a few as an adult. Honestly, I wish I watched more of it as a kid—I would've fucking loved it. 5/10Dragon Ball
(Toei Animation, 1986, twenty-eight episodes) My first true excursion into Japanese animation began with this slog, and I can't say I bear any sentimental feelings towards it. I detested all the characters, except for Goku and Yamcha to an extent, and its unyieldingly perverted sense of humor was incredibly trying. Perhaps if it could go just one episode without making a dumb sex joke involving Bulma's breasts, the show would've been more tolerable—alas, the entire show's entertainment value hinges solely upon jejune, simple-minded power fantasies for the little boys it's marketed for. And, as clear as it is that the show is meant strictly for babies, I'm just surprised that I made it as far as I did.
5/10 4/10Dragon Ball Z
(Toei Animation, 1989, first season) - Though the juvenile sexual humor has now (mostly) gone by the wayside, the franchise at this point instead began to double down on the stupid macho power fantasies and mindless over-the-top action, which has never and will never appeal to me. As I watch, I can feel my IQ score steadily dropping by the second. Not a good experience. At least Dragon Ball was more charming, in an annoying-kid-brother kind of way.
4/10 3/10Ergo Proxy
(Manglobe, 2006, completed) I did not absolutely hate this show—I liked it enough to complete it, but I don't like it enough to ever return to it again. First and foremost, I deeply appreciate this show's artstyle and overall cyberpunk aesthetic. Not only does it stand out beautifully in an ocean of a medium where every single show looks exactly the same due to Japan's extremely stagnant (or even regressive) industry standards, it's genuinely gorgeous and is easily the best part of the show. Everything else is okay. Not great. But it LOOKS great, and that alone is worthy of high praise in my book. It explores some neat philosophical themes, too, which is always fun. 6/105 Centimeters per Second
(CoMix Wave, 2007, Makoto Shinkai) 3/10FLCL
(Gainax, 2000, completed) This is the perfect show to watch if you ever need to teach someone a lesson in style-over-substance, and why that's not something you ever want. You know things are grim when the best thing about your show is the music (and even that's
not as good as people seem to think it is). The plot is too obtuse for its own good, and I'm given very little reason to care about anything that's happening, thanks to the terrible characters (especially Haruko). I understand that this is a show that's best viewed multiple times in order to piece everything together, and that's fine, but if I'm not enjoying myself the first time around, and it hasn't given me any desire to continue watching it—then, well, why the fuck would I? What EXACTLY will doing this add to my quality of life? Probably not a single goddamn thing. And the Invader Zim-style humor is a huge problem when the show is meant to be a comedy. Absolutely migraine-inducing, but mercifully, it's only six episodes. 3/10Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood
(Bones, 2009, ten episodes) I don't know if I can handle fifty-four more episodes of this shit. I kinda wish I started watching the original series first. It seems... better. 4/10Ghost in the Shell
(Mamoru Oshii, Kodansha, 1995) Complete waste of time. 2/10Gintama
(Sunrise, 2006, two episodes) It's not good when a comedy bores you to tears. The fact that there's a billion episodes of this shit made me drop out early, and the characters were testing my patience. Kagura is particularly insufferable, and overall, I wish I could go back to not knowing this show even exists, because—again, like Tiger & Bunny
—while it may not have been the worst thing I've ever seen, I don't understand why this is one of the highest rated shows among weebs on MyAnimeList. Yeah, I only saw two episodes, but you'd think a show that good would grip me from the word "go." 4/10Grave of the Fireflies
(Isao Takahata, Studio Ghibli, 1988) I am so fucking bitter that, in my eight years of hating all Japanese media, not a single person has EVER thought to recommend me this film. Not one. My stipulations have been made loud and clear, yet nobody has ever thought that I would enjoy this movie as much as I did. I had to go and search for it all by myself in this sea of molten shit. Thanks, fuckheads. Either way, it's pretty obvious by now—this is my new favorite anime, and the second anime that I've ever actually enjoyed. It took me way off guard. Given its setting and subject matter, it's honestly pretty hard to dislike. Don't think I'm a weeb just yet, though—For every anime I hate, I want to see at least one thing that I love. So far, we're pretty deep in the hole. That said, credit where credit is due: This movie was great, and it feels pretty liberating to say that. I won't count on it ever happening again, though. 8/10Gurren Lagann
(Gainax, 2007, completed) Here's a comforting thought: the best thing about this show is that I will never see anything more vomit-inducing in my lifetime. Like a trainwreck, it was difficult to look away—hence my completion of it. Simply put, this show is brain cancer, and I actually have a very long and battered history with it—a history far too long to cover in a short blurb, so perhaps I'll write up a lengthier review in the future—but indeed, it has a soft place in my heart for being the first anime I've ever truly despised. It is the perfect amalgam of everything I abhor—not just about Japanese animation—but about the human race and life itself. It truly has it all. A very, very heartfelt 1/10Howl's Moving Castle
(Studio Ghibli, 2004, Hayao Miyazaki) Just checking off some more Miyazaki off the list. Nothing much to say—it's a Ghibli film. You'll probably enjoy it. 5/10Hunter x Hunter
(Madhouse, 2011, fist arc + a few random episodes) When my favorite thing about a show is that it's relatively low on fanservice, you know the show doesn't really have a whole lot else to show for it. Gon is probably my new favorite shonen protagonist—even though that's an extremely low bar—because not only does he actually feel like a character with genuine strengths and genuine weaknesses, there's something oddly human about his character, too. I say "oddly" human because it's very uncommon for an anime character to show any humanlike traits whatsoever, instead of a ridiculous caricatured gingerbread man of a person. That said, I don't really care for the story all that much, which is why I got bored after the first arc and started watching random episodes instead before I decided the show wasn't for me, as per usual. It's definitely not the worst thing I've put myself through, but I just don't really think it's gonna be worth another 100+ episodes. 4/10Inuyasha
(Sunrise, 2000, five episodes) Basically Dragon Ball for girls.
4/10 3/10Jin-Roh: The Wolf Brigade
(Hiroyuki Okiura, Production I.G, 1999) Actually not bad, but kind of forgettable, despite its crazy, twisty-turvy plot. It's kind of slow, and I'm not sure if it really justified its near two hours of length, but the story was interesting and laden with a lot of surprisingly touching moments that tickled my feefees a bit more than I'm willing to admit. Still, there's so many things about it that could've been better. I liked the story, but maybe it needed a better artstyle. Maybe it needed better animation. Or maybe it even needed more plot coherence, because there were several points where I didn't quite understand why any of this was happening in the first place—including the awkward and somewhat tacky Little Red Riding Hood "allegory," if you can call it that. I just needed something to make it stay with me for longer than it did, because as soon it was over, it just didn't stick with me for too long.
5/10 6/10JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
(David Production, 2012, first two seasons) There are a lot of words in the English language that have become overused to the point of near-meaninglessness. I'm going to attempt to sum up this show in three of these words, and I can assure you that I intend to use them in their fullest and most undiluted form: Terrible. Stupid. Garbage. If you're familiar at all with how I tend to feel about anime in general, you already know why I hate this show—it's a storm of retarded tropes and clichés that tries to hide under the safety veil of "BUT IT'S SELF-AWARE!!!" like painting a log of shit gold somehow changes the fact that it's still shit. Yet with every headache-inducing moment of this gratuitous, over-the-top, and excessively homoerotic fuckfest of a show, I'm reminded that people actually enjoy this for the exact same reasons that I hate it. I guess I just hate fun, huh? Let's just ignore the fact that NOTHING about the plot makes any sense. Ignore the fact that the dull, unlikable characters make you want to pull your hair out. Ignore the fact that it has the worst artstyle in the entire fucking industry, and the ugliest and cheapest-looking character designs ever. Even the voice acting sucks. But "THAT'S THE POINT," right? Yeah, go fuck yourself. One of the worst shows I've ever seen, ever. 1/10Kill La Kill
(Trigger, 2013, two episodes) Enjoying this show should be illegal. 1/10Legend of the Galactic Heroes
(Madhouse, 1988, two episodes) Unbelievably boring garbage. 4/10Love Live!
(Sunrise, 2013, five episodes) 1/10Lupin the Third Part I
(Tokyo Movie, 1971, fourteen episodes) - Japanese Hanna-Barbera makes a show for adults in the early '70s and flounders spectacularly. It's not just the extremely dated visuals, or the fact that the animation has aged like an underage alcoholic—it's also very serialized and offers little in terms of plot, and offers no likable characters with a particularly insufferable protagonist. I know it's extremely old, but that doesn't excuse it for me when there are movies and TV shows much older than this that are still worth watching today. It doesn't help that the show's original director for the first batch of episodes was fired (or something), and the new director steered the show in a more family-friendly direction. That's where I had to stop—at that point, I knew I wasn't going to get anything out of this. 3/10Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid
(Kyoto Animation, 2017, two episodes) 1/10My Hero Academia
(Bones, 2016, four episodes) Retarded. I don't understand why this is so popular right now. 2/10My Neighbor Totoro
(Hayao Miyazaki, Studio Ghibli, 1988) Boring and safe, like everything out of Ghibli's repertoire. 5/10Naruto
(Pierrot, 2002, first season) Probably my favorite of the "big four," though that's not saying a whole lot. It helps that I saw a bunch of episodes when I was growing up, usually when there was nothing better on TV, and I'm not gonna lie—I liked some of it, so I watched through the first season rather comfortably. Unfortunately, my favorite fight (Shikamaru vs. Temari) wasn't even in this season, so this ended up being a complete slog. It has a lot of things that I appreciate, though—it has a great sense of humor (albeit stupid and occasionally perverted), a variety of likable characters with lots of color and personality, and an interesting if nonsensical setting. We all know what bogs it down later, but I felt like giving it some credit either way. Most shonen start out pretty strong, but they always go downhill fast, and this show is no exception. 4/10Neon Genesis Evangelion
(Gainax, 1995, completed) A deconstruction of one of my least favorite subgenres of anime: Mecha. Given that this is one of the most well-renowned shows in all of anime, I was expecting to have more bombastic reasons to dislike it. But I don't, really. The show's ultimate flaw is that it's boring. Really, really boring. And extremely pretentious, to boot. The characters suck, with the protagonist Shinji being one of the most insufferable whiny little cunts I've had to put up with in all of the shows I've watched. None of the other characters are likable in any way, and I especially hated Rei and Asuka. There's a lot of vague symbolism that gave the impression that the show was trying to get "deep," but none of it ever amounts to anything. You can say that it's up for the viewer to interpret, but I'm starting to consider that sort of thing a huge cop-out when it comes to art. It's actually a pretty simple, and almost shallow, story. There's not much to interpret. I can shit in a cup and tell you to interpret something out of it, but you're not gonna want to. You're not gonna care, because what I did was just vapid, obnoxious, and out of nowhere. And then I'll say, "I guess it's just too deep for you; you just don't understand true art." It's fine, though. Having seen all of it (except for the movie), I can completely understand why this show ended up being so popular. It's the exact breed of vacuous tripe that I expect all anime fans to enjoy. There's nothing in here that I wouldn't expect the average braindead weeb to just eat right up—it's all there. The microdick mechs, the virginbait waifus, the shitty animation and artsyle, the pretentious yet borderline meaningless themes... Honestly, what's there not to love for your prototypical weeaboo? 3/1091 Days
(Shuka, 2016, completed) As much as I want to shit on this show for trying to dip its toes in one of my favorite film genres, I can't really say anything that bad about it. I felt the same way about Baccano!
, and while this show is very different from Baccano!
, there is a common gripe that I have between the two—it's just kind of average and forgettable, and it makes me wish I was watching the films it was obviously inspired by instead. Films that essentially do the same thing, but better. What does this show offer that Reservoir Dogs
, Road to Perdition
, or pretty much any other gangster movie doesn't? Trite themes, cinematography, and slender, effeminate men? Yeah, I'll pass. I'm pretty tired of revenge plots as it is, and this certainly didn't help matters. 4/10One Piece
(Toei Animation, 1999, four episodes) -
3/10 2/10One-Punch Man
(Madhouse, 2015, completed) - 1/10Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt
(Gainax, 2010, completed) 1/10Perfect Blue
(Satoshi Kon, Madhouse, 1997) I originally gave this a 4/10, calling it a boring waste of time—despite the fact that I'd normally love any film that explores the evils of sexual exploitation in the entertainment industry. Because the subject matter is so precious to me, though, I tend to have unreasonable demands for how such themes should be presented, and as a result, on my first viewing, I thought these demands were simply not met. Upon giving it a second chance, however, I've decided that I was being a little unfair. What I had initially interpreted as hypocrisy, the very exploitation the film was trying to rally against, was actually a necessary component for making the audience feel uncomfortable about what they are viewing. The fact that I didn't enjoy what I was watching was sort of half the point. In hindsight, I was foolish to judge a movie for successfully conveying its message. That being said, I still think the film is a little pretentious, and I don't really enjoy the art style at all, and that made it hard for me to sit through a second time. Still, not a terrible film by any means—it's a good anime for people who don't like anime. Alternatively, a much better and more palatable version of the film is Black Swan
4/10 6/10Princess Mononoke
(Hayao Miyazaki, Studio Ghibli, 1997) 4/10Pokémon
(OLM, Inc., 1997, first two seasons + some change) I watched this throughout my childhood, and I've revisited it several times, so I'm heavily biased in its favor. Though bad, the characters are all pretty great, and the dialogue is wonderful, so long as you don't take it too seriously. It genuinely has some of the best humor of any Japanese show I've ever watched, but, like I said—it's probably just a nostalgia thing. In fact, it almost definitely is. 5/10Ponyo
(Hayao Miyazaki, Studio Ghibli, 2008) 3/10Princess Jellyfish
(Brain's Base, 2010, three episodes) 3/10Psycho-Pass
(Production I.G, 2012, completed) Finally, I've gotten around to watching the first anime ever recommended to me on Sep7agon—after giving a very long list of prerequisites for what I don't
want to see in the show. And apparently, this is it. This is the show that contains absolutely nothing that I would hate for a single frame—though, of course, that's not actually true. The best thing I can say about it is that it's watchable—and, to its credit, I was pleasantly surprised over the fact that, for a seinen, I don't recall seeing any fanservice whatsoever—maybe three seconds worth at the most, and I blocked it out. But other than that, there's honestly not much else worth praising the show over. Subpar animation. Boring plot that's both predictable and kinda stupid if you really think about it. Very low character development. It definitely got better after the show lost its silly episodic format, but as an overall experience, the show failed to captivate me, and after 22 episodes, I felt relieved to be done with it. 5/10Puella Magi Madoka Magica
(Shaft, 2011, completed) Fucking terrible. "But Verb! It's a deconstruction anime! It's making fun of all the things you hate! That automatically makes it a good show!" I'm afraid it doesn't, you vacuous cunt. I'll deconstruct your fucking face. There are smarter ways to deconstruct shitty subgenres out there, and they had to pick the laziest possible way to do it. It's easy as fuck to take something dumb and lighthearted and put a dark and edgy twist on it. That's not innovative. It's not interesting. It relies too heavily on shock "horror," and in general, commits the biggest sin that all anime deconstructions tend to commit—being a more extreme version of the thing you're deconstructing doesn't make you any better than that thing. Ironic shitposting is still shitposting, and you're still an uninteresting faggot with absolutely nothing original to contribute. 2/10Space Dandy
(Bones, 2014, two-and-a-half episodes) 1/10Spice and Wolf
(Imagin, 2008, three episodes) Despite the premise piquing my interest, I dropped the show almost immediately following total, unmitigated disappointment. Brief moments of intrigue are frequently flanked by an autistic entourage of your typical stupid anime trope bullshit. There's only so much of this shit I can tolerate before I just want to throw myself off a cliff.
4/10 3/10Spirited Away
(Hayao Miyazaki, Studio Ghibli, 2001) 5/10Steins;Gate
(White Fox, 2011, three episodes) I like the premise, but the show itself turned out to be quite dull and uninteresting. The characters in particular are terribly bland, and I hate all of them—especially Mayuri, and the show has probably the worst sense of humor out of anything I've attempted to watch. It's very rare that an anime succeeds in making me laugh, but I can at least appreciate that something funny happened. Here, there wasn't a single joke in the three episodes that I sat through that did not make me physically cringe. Also, the harem vibes are really fucking gross, and I find it hilarious how often these sorts of these are always swept under the rug by fans. 3/10Tiger & Bunny
(Sunrise, 2011, three episodes) Japan did a poll awhile back where they ranked anime to find the best of all time—and THIS, of all things, was ranked #1. I can only imagine the voters were comprised mostly of greasy fujoshis and other undesirables, because I cannot fucking handle this shit. It's not so much the show itself, but more the idea that it's the BEST SHOW EVER, according to Japan, that makes my skin crawl. It's hard to be fair and objective when I'm looking at the show from that pedestal, so I'm not even gonna bother. Point is, I didn't like it. I especially hated the female characters, but that's a given at this point. 4/10The Garden of Words
(Makoto Shinkai, CoMix Wave Films, 2013) Just watch this XXXTentacion video instead. 5/10The Girl Who Leapt Through Time
(Madhouse, 2006, Mamoru Hosoda) Pretty simple movie with a simple premise and a simple plot. Like a lot of these highly-regarded anime films, it's rather difficult to outright hate when the message is so strong. The worst things I can say are that the animation wasn't the best (for a big budget project), and the score was pretty forgettable—but good music in anime is quite rare. I don't know, it's all right. It needed a lot more for me to consider it truly
worth watching, though. It's just one of those stories that's been done a million times better, and usually by the Western film industry. 5/10The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya
(Kyoto Animation, 2006, two-and-a-half episodes) Can't do it, guys. 2/10Tokyo Godfathers
(Satoshi Kon, Madhouse, 2003) 4/10Wolf Children
(Studio Chizu, 2012, Mamora Hosoda) Retarded. Annoying. Stupid premise. Dumb as shit. Waste of time. Anime. 4/10Your Name
(CoMix Wave Films, 2016) You'd think the film's roaring international success in the West would give me high hopes, but I tend to be very cautious whenever I hear that people like something, because I find that most people are very easily impressed. A film that the average person would rate an 8/10, I would probably give that film a 6/10. Not always, but that does tend to be the case. Likewise, whereas most people found Your Name to be beautiful and original, I found it incredibly insipid, predictable, and anything BUT original. This movie is every boy-meets-girl story ever made, but with a silly Freaky Friday
premise. OH BOY, MY FAVORITE. Our two subject characters are so cookie-cutter—having relatable characters is absolutely fine, especially in stories like these, but not when they're so fucking drab to the point where you can't NOT relate with them. And while the plot itself didn't really have any glaring issues that I could see, its biggest issue is that it doesn't actually take any risks. The risks it does take are of the safest and most predictable variety. I'm not gonna spoil anything, but I genuinely don't understand why so many people are claiming that the twists are "unexpected." I guess you just need to watch more movies, or something, because I was about twenty minutes ahead the entire time. At least one of you was suspecting that I'd rate this film low strictly because of the scene where the boy, in the girl's body, starts feeling her breasts—and don't get me wrong, it was annoying and cringeworthy to watch, and extremely unnecessary. But I don't actually have a huge problem with it, given the circumstances. If a guy and a girl swapped bodies, it's very realistic to assume that the guy would start groping himself. It's still gross to show it in a movie, but the film had far more pressing issues than that. Overall, it's a very dull and unadventurous flick that commits many-a-sin, falling apart especially during the third act. Even the music was sucky and unmemorable. That being said, I'm about to do something I haven't done before, but I'm being absolutely genuine: I'm actually going to recommend this film to pretty much everybody—because, despite my own criticisms, I still expect most of you idiots to eat it up anyway, since most people have. So go ahead, watch it if you haven't already. Knowing how you people are, you'll all love it. I practically guarantee it. 4/10Yu-Gi-Oh!
(Gallop, 2000, scattered episodes throughout childhood) In my effort to recall every single anime I've ever seen prior to starting my plunge, I somehow forgot this magical masterpiece. I'm not one to judge a show by its premise alone, not anymore—Swiss Army Man
taught me that lesson, and that was my favorite film of 2016. That's a film where you take a mind-numbingly stupid premise and execute it perfectly to create something genuine, funny, beautiful, and emotionally poignant. So, Yu-Gi-Oh!
is a show with a bad premise—a bunch of kids try to save the world from evil by playing a children's card game. Very dumb premise. Completely asinine. I didn't even enjoy it as a stupid kid (and I liked EVERYTHING when I was a stupid kid). That said, as an adult, I'm able to find plenty of things about it that I enjoy—especially the dub, which has a lot of hilarious localizations that are highlighted by LittleKuriboh's Abridged Series. The problem with the show is that it doesn't do anything to justify its stupid premise—it's just a dumb, dumb show, and you feel dumb watching it, because the show takes everything so fucking seriously—and the more seriously it takes itself, the less you, as a viewer, are ABLE to take it seriously. And that's where all the unintentional humor comes in. I laugh at it now, but when I was still within the show's target demographic, it bored the ever-loving shit out of me, and I'd rather have watched Pokémon
. At least that show had some levity and self-awareness. That's the last thing you want, but in retrospect, I actually consider this one of the best worst shows of all time, and it might be worth it to watch a few early episodes along with the Abridged Series, if you haven't already. 3/10Yu Yu Hakusho
(Pierrot, 1992, six episodes) Perhaps this show invokes the Seinfeld Effect, but this is the most boring anime I've ever seen, and I certainly don't see myself sitting through 100 episodes of it. Indeed, I decided to drop it relatively early upon realizing just how long it was. I was told by many people that I'd like it based solely on the fact that it contains "no fanservice," which, 1.) that's almost always complete and utter bullshit, and 2.) I need WAY more reasons than that to enjoy a show, guys. Like an interesting plot, for starters. I know it's a shonen—and a particularly old one at that—and I know that there's an appeal for things like simplicity and "doing what works," but that's no excuse for the story being so bland. These days, it has nothing to set it apart from modern shonen, and I don't think that's an unfair comparison when it had DBZ to compete with back in its day. It resultantly suffers from its poor aging, and unfortunately, there's absolutely nothing about it that grips me enough to keep watching. 3/10Yu-Gi-Oh!
(Toei, 1998, five or six episodes) Also known as season zero, I guess? I didn't even know this shit even existed, except for that one reference to it in LittleKuriboh's Abridged Series ("Screw the rules, I have green hair!"). I don't really know what to say about it, other than that I'm kinda fascinated that it's even a thing. Unlike the more popular Gallop show, the card game isn't really the focus, and a lot of fucking weird shit happens. Almost too weird. The only reason you would watch it is to have a giggle at all the weird stuff that happens, especially to contrast with the other show. It's basically just a meme, and doesn't have much value beyond that. 3/10Zatch Bell
(Toei Animation, 2003, two episodes) 2/10
Fullmetal Alchemist (2003)
Hunter x Hunter (1999)
Akame ga Kill!
Ping Pong: The Animation
Sweetness and Lightning
Darker Than Black
Garo: The Animation
Serial Experiments Lain
Kiki's Delivery Service
The higher up on the list, the more likely I am to watch it.