Back home now. Getting settled in after saying hello to everybody. But, I'd like to say something. Talk about what happened with me in the hospital. Because a lot did. I need this off of me. I need this, out of my head. So I'll tell all of you, here and now, what I see, what I realize, and what I know I have to do.

First, let's start with why I ended up in the hospital. You could say it was bad luck. Weakened lungs. Puking up food that damaged my throat. You could chalk it up to me not washing my hands at the right time. But the truth is, it was me. It's always been me. At my core, I've always been broken. And I'll tell you why. I work. Some of you know that. Maybe you even know that I push myself. But you don't know why I work. You don't know why I push myself against physical injuries, and debilitating things. And that's why I ended up in the hospital. Because I waited too long. I pushed my body, myself, to the breaking point. I added funds to my personal savings, until I had 10,000 dollars. And then I gave it all away to stabilize my mother and her debts.

Why would anyone do that? Why would I do that? 10,000 dollars, enough to bargain for a piece of land, that I took years to save up for, gone, in an instant. Why would I work so hard, when I needed rest to help fight the sickness in me? I'll tell you why. It's because of my base foundation. My entire reason for living, and my entire life. Years back, when I was depressed, a few days from jumping off my town's radio tower, a thought occurred to me. I realised, that if I jumped, I would be hurting the people who loved me. And then I saw it. I had already hurt them. These people, they loved me. Cared for me. Put their trust in me. And I slipped. I let them down. And so I realised, that if I jumped, I truly would be a bastard, truly selfish, worth nothing. And when I looked at the mountain I would have to climb, I wanted to jump. It would take so much work. And I was lazy and selfish.

But one thought, one alone changed my mind. Do it for them. If not for yourself, then do it for them. Take back every year, every month, every week, day, hour, minute, right down to the last second. Take it all back, and return it to them. Fight for them, and make something better for them, because as people, they were the ones that deserved it. And that's exactly what I did. I pulled myself up, alone, out of my depression. And I did it for them. Not for myself. And that's how it's been ever since. I work so hard, and push myself a little further to the grave each time because I believe I'm a failure. And I will work to make up for the time that I wasted and took from them.

But I realise it now. This needs to change. I need to care about more. I need to care about the one thing I never cared about. And that's me. I need to realise, that I have something to lose. But I also have something to gain. And I need to fight not just for them, but for me. For the days that I can live for, and enjoy.


Second, is related to my friends, who I address here and now. It's related to Smiggles, Floppytub, Noelle, Vien, and now, at the late endgame, Admirals. These five people have helped me define myself a little better over the past six months. Smiggles was the first person I opened up to. Shared with something of mine that I kept a secret. She gave me the power and the guts to leap forward. Floppytub, has read a lot of my stories. He gave me the power and homeliness of familiarity. I became more attuned to what I did and wrote. Began to like what I did. Vien gave me the comfort of knowledge. Knowledge that I wasn't alone out there in my tastes. If I wasn't alone, and there was even one person out there even a fraction like me, then there could be others. Noelle gave me the power of realisation. The realisation of how special every one of our minds is, an appreciation for who and what we are, which is something that we cannot change, no matter how hard we fight it. And Admirals, taught me acceptance. Accepting the affinity for oneself, and letting yourself go, to work and do what you truly love.

So where does this all lead? It leads to the fact that I am alone. I enjoy my quiet, and my solitude. But I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to look into the eyes of another, and see behind them, a mind that is like mine. Most of all, I want somebody to look at me, and accept me for who and what I am, and share it with me, my dreams and my good days, all of it. I want to share the experience. I want a friend. And, in time, maybe someone who is more than that. Smiggles, Floppytub, Vien, Noelle, and Admirals, you have all been the closest friends I've ever had save for Quiet. But that's the problem. I met all of you over the safety of the internet. The internet, a place where any and all could give voice to their thoughts without repurcussion. A place where I could set my mind free, without any insecurities. But that's the problem. All of you, are thousands of miles away from me. You are all great people. But you can't ever substitue for real physical and social interaction. The internet can never do that. And that's what I lack. I need to step out into the world, and look for somebody who I can interact with on a level like all of you.

And now I know I need to turn a bit more of myself away from the internet, and search in the real world around me for somebody. And it will be hard. Because I'm an introvert. I don't travel. And I will live in close proximity to my family, to take care of them. But most importantly, I need more than just the base that I have. I need to have something to show, and something to anchor somebody to me. And the best chance is art and writing. I need to grab them, study them, and push them as far as I can take them. Through these interests, I will have a better chance of meeting somebody like me. And when I see them, I'll have to make the first step. Take the initiative. Because if they're like me, they won't take the first step.

And third, and finally, I realise that I have a responsibility, as a writer. When I write something, whether it be a paragraph, or a story, somebody will read it. And through my words, emotions will come. People will feel something. Think something. These emotions, and these thoughts that come out of what I have written are not fake. They are real. They are physical things that affect the reader on the other end. And so I must take care of what I write. I must take care, not to produce negative impacts on people. The same applies to my art, which I admit, is so hard to start because it competes with my writing, but I know it's there. With some practice, direction, and dedication, in time, it will grow, just like my writing. But I need to find out where to start, and latch on to an aspect of it that I enjoy, and go from there, just like my writing.

If you've read all of this, then thank you. This was my time in the hospital. Pages and pages of stories crammed onto paper, and thoughts about who I am and what I need to do with myself. Know that even though I need to expand myself as a person, I will never diminish from talking to any of you people, whether you be the five that I mentioned, or just a forum goer that I don’t know much about yet. But there is a lot of work to be done. But you know what the best part is? All of this happened in six months, from the very first time I spoke to smiggs. I'll be alive and turning 22 on October 30th. Let's see just how far I can reach in the next year.

I want to thank you five people, and the other people of this forum for what you’ve all shown and done for me.

I go to rest now. Long day. And this needed to be said. I wake up to a new day tomorrow. New person. New life. Let’s see what I can do with the second hand that fate has given me.

Why do I get the feeling that Sandtrap is just gonna give up on life once he considers his family to be financially well enough without him?

Quote from: DAS B00T x2 on October 14, 2014, 12:42:19 AM

Quote from: Nuka on October 14, 2014, 12:41:46 AM

Quote from: DAS B00T x2 on October 14, 2014, 12:40:40 AM

Why do I get the feeling that Sandtrap is just gonna give up on life once he considers his family to be financially well enough without him?

........
*smacks*

It's a legitimate concern.

I'm not really the one to handle this, but that was a dick thing to say.

What, you think I want him to kill himself or something?

How inspirational.
Best of luck to you, Sandtarp!

I really want to fly up there just to hug the fuck out of you.

Hey, good luck and all, but I've been writing for years and am yet to actually have someone read it all. If you do better than me, nice. But don't push too hard because its more than likely no one gives a shit.

but life does tend to bring those together who are meant to be together,

And then just ripping them apart?

Quote from: GodspeedGojira! on October 14, 2014, 01:53:23 AM

Quote from: BaconShelf on October 14, 2014, 01:22:46 AM

Hey, good luck and all, but I've been writing for years and am yet to actually have someone read it all. If you do better than me, nice. But don't push too hard because its more than likely no one gives a shit.

Nah.

Yah.

You're equally as likely to find success stories with writing as well. Can never tell!

Wow. Just wow. That's all I can think. I'm honestly really happy for you. I'm really finding it hard to understand why. The only thing that comes to mind is that I've had a similar experience over the past year of my life, and the lessons I learned from it were pretty hard taught, to say the least, and it took quite some time for me to really understand them. But I'll spare those details, not the time or place. All I really can say is good luck and stay strong.

Quote from: DAS B00T x2 on October 14, 2014, 12:42:19 AM

Quote from: Nuka on October 14, 2014, 12:41:46 AM

Quote from: DAS B00T x2 on October 14, 2014, 12:40:40 AM

Why do I get the feeling that Sandtrap is just gonna give up on life once he considers his family to be financially well enough without him?

........
*smacks*

It's a legitimate concern.

I'm not really the one to handle this, but that was a dick thing to say.

I don't know Sandtrap. but he has expressed that sentiment before, although that was when he thought he was going to die for sure.

Why do I get the feeling that Sandtrap is just gonna give up on life once he considers his family to be financially well enough without him?

I never will. It's not financially that I should be concerned about. It's my mother. My sister and her husband, and my little 8 year old niece. As time goes on, these people will need me to stand up for them when they can't do it alone. My job will be done when I am dead.

But in the meantime, there's more to be done. Much more I can do.

Well, good luck is all I can say. I've had extremely bad luck trying to find somebody and it just ends up leaving me in a depressed mood. After time it goes away, but the risk just outweighs the award and has come to the point where I just don't care about that kind of thing anymore

i want to say gg
but the game isn't over

carry onnnnnnnn

Quote from: BaconShelf on October 14, 2014, 01:22:46 AM

Hey, good luck and all, but I've been writing for years and am yet to actually have someone read it all. If you do better than me, nice. But don't push too hard because its more than likely no one gives a shit.

tf kind of advice is that? Smh

Realism. I'm not trying to persuade or dissuade anyone, I'm just saying how I see it, and I don't want people to get their hopes up over nothing.