I don't even really know what to call it. The day was bad. But tonight. I don't even know why I should do this. But it's stuck in my head. I can't get it out.

It's fall, and at night, there's a lot of animals around. Deer and stuff. And, this night, I found one on the road. Somebody ran it over, and either didn't give a fuck or didn't see that it was still alive. And I found it. Broken back and mangled legs. Insides outside.

I don't have a gun. But I wouldn't leave it. I wouldn't turn my back on it. I tried. I swear to god I did. I took an axe out of the back of my truck, and I tried. I missed. I missed, and I made it worse. And it tried so hard, to get away. And I tried again, and I made it worse.

I had to stamp my boot down on its head, and on the third swing, that was it. I threw my coat away because it got everywhere. And I just had a shower, scrubbed my hands, and I can still smell it. I have never taken any life on purpose. With a gun, you can close your eyes and steady your aim. But I watched all of it. And I can't forget its eyes, or how hard it tried to get away from me, after I made it worse. Pain and fear. I was a monster, coming to kill it, coming ot hurt it. And I did.

Damn.

That's rough. The important thing is that you were genuinely trying to help. Don't beat yourself up, you did the right thing. Most people wouldn't have stopped in the first place.

I should have stopped. The least I could have done was dragged it off the road, or stayed with it. Instead those last seconds, something I did, gave it pain and fear. I can't even look at the most hated people around me with an ounce of hate or the will to commit harm. This. I can't.

Deer don't die easy.
You can get a clean shot with a .7mm, destroying the lungs and heart, and they'll still run for a mile.

Sad situation, but its the nature of things. Guess it'd pay to have grown up hunting in that situation since you'd be a bit more desensitized to that type of stuff. But yeah if you've never killed anything before then that'd be a bit rough on ya.

I don't believe in killing anything unless necessary. But I believe, if you've got to do it, then make it fair. Make it quick. I failed that because I couldn't steady my hand.

You're strange.

You're strange.

If you're insinuating that I'm strange because I realize the value of life and seek no harm to any that hold it, then perhaps you are strange in not realizing the importance of it.

Just a warning Sandtrap, if Kiyo sees this she is going to attack you for killing an animal. She believes animals, humans included, should be tortured instead of killed if they are suffering.

She won't have to do much. I'm already in a shitty way all of my own construct. But supposed harrassment? 90% of my life was this. There isn't much that can be said that would upset me. The only one who can upset me, is me.

Eh. It's still quicker than the alternative- maybe a couple hours or a day bleeding out or being hit by a car. It was dead anyway, so unless you know a good vet, it's unlikely you could do anything. Actually, the worst thing you could have done is leave it. A mercy killing is exactly tht; a mercy killing.

You're strange.

wtf man?