I'm not great at explaining things so sorry if it makes no sense. These past weeks I've been feeling pretty shitty and don't know what to do. I'm not thinking of killing myself or anything so you'll be stuck with me for a while.

So I dated this girl for three years, my first ever relationship. It was good, but it was long distance. Alongside the difficulties of trying to manage that, there were also emotional issues involved but I'd rather not get into that because I think she'd rather me not. Anyway, I was madly in love and thought everything was perfect until we broke up in February.

You'd think moving on would be easy, but fucking hell it isn't. We didn't talk for a while until about last month, when we started chatting again. Obviously I was still in love but she'd clearly moved on and made the point clear that it wouldn't work out again, being the way we were. Maybe I was being dumb and hopeful,  but I really did think we could work out again and remained optimistic.

 Despite her being friendly, it was clearly one sided and I wasn't getting anywhere. Sometime towards the end of June, she went on a date with some guy and had sex.  This is the part that hurt me the most, I know she's moved on and is well within her rights to do whatever she wants, but fucking hell the thoughts and imagery of it just really fucking bother me. Every day, it seems to just pop into my head at random, instantly killing my mood and usually makes me lose my appetite. Just makes me feel so damn empty, it's jealousy but it hurts so much to think about.

I'm trying to move on and I just keep thinking about it. It makes me feel ill. What can I do? The thought of hurting myself VERY briefly entered my mind once or twice but I decided against it because I really don't want to do that.


Just... hurts, y'know? Sometimes I just can't stop thinking about it. We're not talking anymore either, I just have to move on but it's hard. I try to distract myself but sometimes it just doesn't work. I don't know what to do. I don't even know fully why I posted it here, just getting it off my mind I guess? Fucking sucks, what a horrible way to feel.

What reasons did she list as to why it wouldn't work out?

Quote

This is the part that hurt me the most, I know she's moved on and is well within her rights to do whatever she wants, but fucking hell the thoughts and imagery of it just really fucking bother me. Every day, it seems to just pop into my head at random, instantly killing my mood and usually makes me lose my appetite.

I'm sorry that happened to you. I felt the same way for months after my last relationship. I can tell you what I did wasn't exactly healthy, but it worked.

Stay strong, buddy. You're a good guy.

Distance made it extremely hard, and the way she was emotionally just put a strain on the whole thing. It got pretty bad towards the end, I guess we were just dragging it out.

Have you seen any new girls during this time? It's good you're not talking for now. What I personally think you need to do first is erase everything about her from your life, for the time being. Photos, texts, facebooks, physical stuff, clothing. Destroy, delete, or put it in a box and hide it away. They will only remind you of her even MORE than your brain is already making you think of it and that's not going to do you any good.

Right now you're in a nightmare basically and you're going to be stuck in it for a while. Time to make the most out of what you can. More on this later I'm gonna shower brb

I've been trying to talk to other girls, but I'm afraid that I'm only doing it to make myself feel better, and that feels like I'm using the girls for my own means.

Its hard but you really have to try to date other girls

i don't understand how this helps at all lmao

it's never helped me, it just desensitises you to romance.

I'm not great at explaining things so sorry if it makes no sense. These past weeks I've been feeling pretty shitty and don't know what to do. I'm not thinking of killing myself or anything so you'll be stuck with me for a while.

So I dated this girl for three years, my first ever relationship. It was good, but it was long distance. Alongside the difficulties of trying to manage that, there were also emotional issues involved but I'd rather not get into that because I think she'd rather me not. Anyway, I was madly in love and thought everything was perfect until we broke up in February.

You'd think moving on would be easy, but fucking hell it isn't. We didn't talk for a while until about last month, when we started chatting again. Obviously I was still in love but she'd clearly moved on and made the point clear that it wouldn't work out again, being the way we were. Maybe I was being dumb and hopeful,  but I really did think we could work out again and remained optimistic.

 Despite her being friendly, it was clearly one sided and I wasn't getting anywhere. Sometime towards the end of June, she went on a date with some guy and had sex.  This is the part that hurt me the most, I know she's moved on and is well within her rights to do whatever she wants, but fucking hell the thoughts and imagery of it just really fucking bother me. Every day, it seems to just pop into my head at random, instantly killing my mood and usually makes me lose my appetite. Just makes me feel so damn empty, it's jealousy but it hurts so much to think about.

I'm trying to move on and I just keep thinking about it. It makes me feel ill. What can I do? The thought of hurting myself VERY briefly entered my mind once or twice but I decided against it because I really don't want to do that.


Just... hurts, y'know? Sometimes I just can't stop thinking about it. We're not talking anymore either, I just have to move on but it's hard. I try to distract myself but sometimes it just doesn't work. I don't know what to do. I don't even know fully why I posted it here, just getting it off my mind I guess? Fucking sucks, what a horrible way to feel.

I promise you that everything will be okay. Your heart will heal again, and you will find someone who will find you to be very special. I know it sounds hard to believe, but there really is someone out there for you.

You're a good guy, you'll find the lucky lady. I know you will. It just takes time, and everything will fall into place.

All I can say is give it sometime and find a new hobby to help get your mind off of things.

It's rough.  Sorry, man.

Dunno if this'll apply or help at all, but I dated a girl in college for around 2 years.  We got back together at one point: that worked out horribly and everything bad lingers even if you both think you're above it.  I don't recommend it.

It took me about a year to get over her, which is a lot longer than I feel it should have.  Looking back, I felt like her being around me validated me, and I immediately tried to find people who would, and that was keeping me from moving on.  The most important thing for me to do at the time was learning to be more comfortable with myself.  I was a different person - someone I wanted to be - when I was around her, and that shouldn't be gone just because she is.

Quote from: Jive Turkey on July 23, 2017, 05:32:54 PM

Have you seen any new girls during this time? It's good you're not talking for now. What I personally think you need to do first is erase everything about her from your life, for the time being. Photos, texts, facebooks, physical stuff, clothing. Destroy, delete, or put it in a box and hide it away. They will only remind you of her even MORE than your brain is already making you think of it and that's not going to do you any good.

Right now you're in a nightmare basically and you're going to be stuck in it for a while. Time to make the most out of what you can. More on this later I'm gonna shower brb

I don't think this is the correct mindset. Destruction or anger at the feeling doesn't help you grow or accept that you're feeling that way. It's fine to be sad after a breakup, it's totally natural. The best thing to do is to accept that it happened, accept how it happened, and accept that there's nothing anyone can do about the past.

As a general rule acceptance is the best coping strategy anyone can utilize. It allows the person to come to terms with what has happened and doesn't push using other, temporary ways, to dull pain. The ideal scenario is that after a certain amount of time he'll accept what happened and no longer feel overly sad when faced something that reminds him of her which in turn will make him stronger and more resilient in the future.

There's also no need to exaggerate or downplay what occurred.

The thing is he hasn't done anything yetthat will allow time to make things better. He needs to be proactive and acceptance will come.

I never said anything about being angry or spiteful. His brain is basically wired to her right now, the process of getting over someone is essentially the unwiring of her in his brain. Having reminders all around the house and his phone is not doing him any favors in that, they are just constant reminders and the best first step he can take is to hide it all away for now. Afterwards he'll be able to be around those things and even talk to her without feeling any intense emotions.

Quote from: The Lord Ruler on July 23, 2017, 05:58:19 PM

Its takes a while but you just have to keep on keeping on

Its hard but you really have to try to date other girls

Yeah it doesn't work like that.

Not everyone can just willy nilly start dating other girls. That shit has to come naturally between two people.

Its not necessarily about dating other girls. He just needs to surround himself and meet new women, even just as friends. I'd actually RECOMMEND that he just try to be friends with many new women. For a few reasons:

1. Meeting new women will remind you that even though it's hard to believe, there are MANY girls out there just as high or higher quality than the girl you dated, and many that you can form DEEP connections with in new ways. You need this reminder because your mind is in massive scarcity with women right now.

2. No offense but I guarantee your skills with dating women suck horribly right now lmao, 3 years in a relationship will do that to you, you're gonna have to relearn for a bit. And if you try to jump into the dating scene right away and then get rejected(which you will) it's going to be a huge blow to your ego and make you miss her more etc

Quote from: The Lord Ruler on July 23, 2017, 05:58:19 PM

Its takes a while but you just have to keep on keeping on

Its hard but you really have to try to date other girls

Yeah it doesn't work like that.

Not everyone can just willy nilly start dating other girls. That shit has to come naturally between two people.

Uh yeah it does

Ive done it

Ive seen friends do it

Ive seen people that were in relationships for years do it

What do you expect to happen? Just lock eyes with a girl and you run off into the sunset? There's a requirement of trying to move on to be able to move on

It doesn't "just happen naturally," thats how you get stuck and fall into depression and ruts

Quote from: The Lord Ruler on July 23, 2017, 09:31:04 PM

Quote from: Prehistoric on July 23, 2017, 06:10:14 PM

Quote from: The Lord Ruler on July 23, 2017, 05:58:19 PM

Its hard but you really have to try to date other girls

i don't understand how this helps at all lmao

it's never helped me, it just desensitises you to romance.

You move on and learn that you can love other women

You realize that the love you had for the other woman may not seem as strong as it was and it just fades out

I mean you just seem like a naturally pessimistic guy so yeah id see why you'd think like that

what does my pessimism have to do with the ultimately empty feeling you get from meaningless sex with random women when youre pining over someone else

Besides everything?

Who's talking about sex? Im talking about moving on.

Of course it's gonna feel like empty, meaningless sex because you're a pessimistic guy that won't allow himself to move on and are stuck on this one girl

Try to love a new girl and the sex, just maybe, will be meaningful

When is dating=sex?

Thats your problem right there by associating the two and having meaningless sex instead of trying to just date other girls and learning to love again

Whatre you trying to argue here? All you're doing is describing the reasons you cant move on and the pessimism that is obvious in your mindset in approaching new women

i don't really know where you get off talking about my experiences though, as if you know anything but the the vaguest of outlines

the two go hand in hand

This is a cancerous mindset and you're only hurting yourself thinking like this

when someone is ready to love again, they'll know. you can't learn to love someone in that way. at best, you just like them a lot.

yes you can. If you're just sitting around waiting for your feelings to just cease and new love to just prosper, you're keeping yourself from being able to move on and neither will ever happen.

i'm arguing that wasting your time

Read into your own pessimism, its wasted time because you believe it to be wasted time because it isn't with the "one true love" you have to see it has a new, exciting road to travel

with women when you should be going through some of the most intense introspection

 if you aren't doing both you're missing out on your own self revelations of what you what and what you feel.

you'll ever experience is not valid advice, because ultimately you're not ready to move on yet and you can't force it.

and how do you know you're ready until you try? Or do you just wait for, what? Just stirring in your feelings isn't going to help yhe process at all.

at the end of the experience you'll just be left feeling either a) empty, because you had sex with them and it meant nothing,

woah so dont have sex with them

or b) like you wasted your time and you're reminded that the girl you spent time with isn't the one you want.

^pessimism thats holding you back from finding new love

If you see it as wasted time you're only hurting yourself

eventually -- eventually -- it's a good idea to get back out there and go on dates,

thats what ive been saying

even with girls you're not thrown back by, but only when you can picture yourself with other women. in my experience, it usually takes half the length of the relationship, but it's not an exact science obviously.

And how can you picture yourself unless you spend time with new girls?

jive's elaboration on making friends with girls is actually pretty good, but i don't think you share his sentiments.

I do because it's in the strain of moving of finding new people to like, love, and enjoy being around

This is a cancerous mindset and you're only hurting yourself thinking like this

not really, i'm in the best shape i've ever been ever thanks to this mindset

yes you can. If you're just sitting around waiting for your feelings to just cease and new love to just prosper, you're keeping yourself from being able to move on and neither will ever happen.

it's weird, how, i did just that, and what do you know, it worked

Read into your own pessimism, its wasted time because you believe it to be wasted time because it isn't with the "one true love" you have to see it has a new, exciting road to travel

there's nothing exciting about being with a woman you don't want to be with. it's like having dinner with some random dude you don't give a shit about. what's exciting about that.

if you aren't doing both you're missing out on your own self revelations of what you what and what you feel.

what

and how do you know you're ready until you try? Or do you just wait for, what? Just stirring in your feelings isn't going to help yhe process at all.

you know you're ready when you know you're ready. same way you know you're hungry. it's not that complicated.

woah so dont have sex with them

see b)

^pessimism thats holding you back from finding new love

it's not pessimism, it's being emotionally honest with yourself

thats what ive been saying

okay, but he's not at that point, yet

so are we in agreement or what

You just wanna wait for things to happen but what did that get?

The girl you "loved" got fingerbanged on the couch above you after you graciously saved her from the popo

You gotta walk up the stairs jus sitting on the bottom aint gonna get you anywhere

there's more to that story than you think -- a lot more than i let on, and dumbing it down like this doesn't help your cause. i posted it for mostly morbid comedic effect but i didn't realise how quickly i'd get defensive over some comments that were pretty out of line if you knew everything.