Not cool life, not fucking cool

 
Sandtrap | Mythic Sage
 
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Rockets on my X
I got sucker punched today folks. Personally, I'm amazed that I didn't just fucking break down then and there. I'm going to tell a story. I'll keep it short, if I can.

A few years back, in the middle of my first depression, I was feeling pretty shitty. And, as usual, I wasn't thinking right. But I went digging through old phone numbers. And I called an old friend of mine up, asked if they could drop by, if they were in the area.

This friend of mine, at one time, was a good friend. The kind of person you'd hang around with every single day. But as we went further along into highschool, we just quietly drifted apart.

So, much to my surprise, my friend actually shows up. I wasn't expecting this. And I messed up. They had other friends with them, and I seized up. Made some excuse, and they want on their way. And that was it for about a month or so.

And then I called them up again. I really, really, just wanted one person to talk to. And I got insitent about. Called a little bit too much. And, one day, I got their father on the phone. And, not in their words mind you, the equivilant of what was said was, "fuck off, they don't want to see you no more."

I'll give you 10 bucks if you could guess what happened after that.

Anywho, so today, I'm going about my business and who should walk into my shop? Yeah, that's who. And they've changed over the years. But I'd know that person anywhere. I remember that awkward smile. And they come up, and ask, "Hey, how's it going?"

After all these years. And after that. After completely destroying me, sending me spiraling down, of all the fucking times there was, it had to be this one.

Thanks life. Appreciate it.

 
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I'm sorry dude. That sucks.

People really change. Some for the best, some for the worst.

 
 
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I DONT GIVE A SINGLE -blam!- MOTHER -blam!-ER ITS A MOTHER -blam!-ING FORUM, OH WOW, YOU HAVE THE WORD NINJA BELOW YOUR NAME, HOW MOTHER -blam!-ING COOL, NOT, YOUR ARE NOTHING TO ME BUT A BRAINWASHED PIECE OF SHIT BLOGGER, PEOPLE ONLY LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE NINJA BELOW YOUR NAME, SO PLEASE PUNCH YOURAELF IN THE FACE AND STAB YOUR EYE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A PIECE OF SHIT OF SOCIETY
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DAS B00T x2 | Cultural Appropriator
 
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This is not the greatest sig in the world, no. This is just a tribute.
If I'm reading this right... you came across someone who's inaction you regard as an important factor of one of your bouts of depression and this resurfaced some kind of emotion that manifests itself as anger towards him because how dare we come back to your life now?

 
 
Sandtrap | Mythic Sage
 
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Quote from: DAS B00T x2 on September 19, 2014, 09:12:14 AM
If I'm reading this right... you came across someone who's inaction you regard as an important factor of one of your bouts of depression and this resurfaced some kind of emotion that manifests itself as anger towards him because how dare we come back to your life now?

No. I'm not angry. Just sad that things went they way they did. And most of all, not enjoying the great irony. I called them when I was desperate, and they showed up. But I had no words to say. And it led to me being basically told to fuck off by their father. They didn't even deliver their message to me themselves.

And now, here I am, after all these years. In the same spot. Trying to make my life something, but failing. And they walk in through the door, changed over the years. And here I am, being eaten away by this second round of what tears my insides out and pulls me along on strings.

And the first thing they say is, "How's it going?"

This. I don't need it. I don't want it.

 
The Justicar | Ascended Posting Rampage
 
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I think your focusing on yourself too much here. I know I'm going to sound like a dick but it's just something that I've learned personally and I feel I should share it.

I think that in all these years of you being to yourself, you've neglected to realize that life still goes on whether or not yours is ending. Of course they have changed in the time they were gone. :/ they've been living their own life and growing.
Also it's probably not that they didnt have the guys to tell you to fuck off them self. They might not have been there to grab the phone and their father was tired of you calling? Try to see things from other people's perspective and things make more sense.
I remember a girl that I used to like a lot. I drove a couple hours away multiple times just to hang out at her place and chill. We did quite a few things together and I was one of her few friends who was there for her to just talk and listen during some of her hardest times. I worried about her often and I messaged her daily. But one day she stopped talking to me. For weeks I felt depressed like she cheated me from something great I had. Then I realized I wouldn't let someone have that much control of my happiness like that again. I thought about it and recognized that she does have her own life and can't always be there to talk to me and it was unfair to expect her to. I don't hate her for it anymore. It just happens. There's a point when we all need to move on. As hard as it is, if we take the picture off ourselves for a change, things make more sense and the situation feels less dire than it actually is.

Sorry if I sound like a jerk but it's just a different type of awareness I'm trying to show you.

 
Sandtrap | Mythic Sage
 
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Quote from: Kitsune on September 19, 2014, 10:59:50 AM
I think your focusing on yourself too much here. I know I'm going to sound like a dick but it's just something that I've learned personally and I feel I should share it.

I think that in all these years of you being to yourself, you've neglected to realize that life still goes on whether or not yours is ending. Of course they have changed in the time they were gone. :/ they've been living their own life and growing.
Also it's probably not that they didnt have the guys to tell you to fuck off them self. They might not have been there to grab the phone and their father was tired of you calling? Try to see things from other people's perspective and things make more sense.
I remember a girl that I used to like a lot. I drove a couple hours away multiple times just to hang out at her place and chill. We did quite a few things together and I was one of her few friends who was there for her to just talk and listen during some of her hardest times. I worried about her often and I messaged her daily. But one day she stopped talking to me. For weeks I felt depressed like she cheated me from something great I had. Then I realized I wouldn't let someone have that much control of my happiness like that again. I thought about it and recognized that she does have her own life and can't always be there to talk to me and it was unfair to expect her to. I don't hate her for it anymore. It just happens. There's a point when we all need to move on. As hard as it is, if we take the picture off ourselves for a change, things make more sense and the situation feels less dire than it actually is.

Sorry if I sound like a jerk but it's just a different type of awareness I'm trying to show you.

I was never angry to start with. And I accept what happened. I hold no grudges, and bear no ill mind or intent. But it stings, when I bump into old people I know. I see them change, grow, and evolve into something else, something more. And here I am, just like I was before. Caught in a trap, trying to wake up every day for a reason, a purpose, trying to fight against all this garbage and do the best I can.

And now, as I'm almost completely helpless but to watch as things begin to fall apart and I myself am turning into a wreck that I can't seem to stop or even remotely slow, a great irony walks into my shop, after this long, and asks with a smile, "How are you doing?"

Not what I need for my day. I realize that I made the mistake. And I'm not angry. But this? Why now, of all times? Could it not be any other time, when I was having a good day? When I could smile back and say that I was having a good day, and I could mean those words?

Despite it, I'll try to keep going about my day in the hopes that I can make something of it.

 
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I've experienced your feelings a lot, and it's only in retrospect that I can post this.

 
 
Sandtrap | Mythic Sage
 
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Quote from: DigitalIZesty on September 19, 2014, 12:21:40 PM
I've experienced your feelings a lot, and it's only in retrospect that I can post this.


At least I know I'll laugh at the fucking bankers when they come to seize my fucking house and job because I was expecting them.

 
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PSU | Legendary Invincible!
 
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Quote from: Sandtrap on September 19, 2014, 12:25:37 PM
Quote from: DigitalIZesty on September 19, 2014, 12:21:40 PM
I've experienced your feelings a lot, and it's only in retrospect that I can post this.


At least I know I'll laugh at the fucking bankers when they come to seize my fucking house and job because I was expecting them.

Seek help

 
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Quote from: PSU on September 19, 2014, 12:53:48 PM
Quote from: Sandtrap on September 19, 2014, 12:25:37 PM
Quote from: DigitalIZesty on September 19, 2014, 12:21:40 PM
I've experienced your feelings a lot, and it's only in retrospect that I can post this.


At least I know I'll laugh at the fucking bankers when they come to seize my fucking house and job because I was expecting them.

Seek help
If you'd give examples of these so called "help", you might be useful. Otherwise you're a naive person.

 
 
Sandtrap | Mythic Sage
 
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Quote from: PSU on September 19, 2014, 12:53:48 PM
Quote from: Sandtrap on September 19, 2014, 12:25:37 PM
Quote from: DigitalIZesty on September 19, 2014, 12:21:40 PM
I've experienced your feelings a lot, and it's only in retrospect that I can post this.


At least I know I'll laugh at the fucking bankers when they come to seize my fucking house and job because I was expecting them.

Seek help

There is none. But I have one last trump card to play if things are about to tumble.

 
 
DAS B00T x2 | Cultural Appropriator
 
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This is not the greatest sig in the world, no. This is just a tribute.
Quote from: Sandtrap on September 19, 2014, 12:55:39 PM
Quote from: PSU on September 19, 2014, 12:53:48 PM
Quote from: Sandtrap on September 19, 2014, 12:25:37 PM
Quote from: DigitalIZesty on September 19, 2014, 12:21:40 PM
I've experienced your feelings a lot, and it's only in retrospect that I can post this.


At least I know I'll laugh at the fucking bankers when they come to seize my fucking house and job because I was expecting them.

Seek help

There is none. But I have one last trump card to play if things are about to tumble.
And that is?

 
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Quote from: DAS B00T x2 on September 19, 2014, 02:18:59 PM
Quote from: Sandtrap on September 19, 2014, 12:55:39 PM
Quote from: PSU on September 19, 2014, 12:53:48 PM
Quote from: Sandtrap on September 19, 2014, 12:25:37 PM
Quote from: DigitalIZesty on September 19, 2014, 12:21:40 PM
I've experienced your feelings a lot, and it's only in retrospect that I can post this.


At least I know I'll laugh at the fucking bankers when they come to seize my fucking house and job because I was expecting them.

Seek help

There is none. But I have one last trump card to play if things are about to tumble.
And that is?
Thats personnel kid.

 
 
DAS B00T x2 | Cultural Appropriator
 
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This is not the greatest sig in the world, no. This is just a tribute.
Quote from: DigitalIZesty on September 19, 2014, 02:19:35 PM
Quote from: DAS B00T x2 on September 19, 2014, 02:18:59 PM
Quote from: Sandtrap on September 19, 2014, 12:55:39 PM
Quote from: PSU on September 19, 2014, 12:53:48 PM
Quote from: Sandtrap on September 19, 2014, 12:25:37 PM
Quote from: DigitalIZesty on September 19, 2014, 12:21:40 PM
I've experienced your feelings a lot, and it's only in retrospect that I can post this.


At least I know I'll laugh at the fucking bankers when they come to seize my fucking house and job because I was expecting them.

Seek help

There is none. But I have one last trump card to play if things are about to tumble.
And that is?
Thats personnel kid.
and this thread wasn't?

 
w/e | Ascended Invincible!
 
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Quote from: DAS B00T x2 on September 19, 2014, 02:25:31 PM
Quote from: DigitalIZesty on September 19, 2014, 02:19:35 PM
Quote from: DAS B00T x2 on September 19, 2014, 02:18:59 PM
Quote from: Sandtrap on September 19, 2014, 12:55:39 PM
Quote from: PSU on September 19, 2014, 12:53:48 PM
Quote from: Sandtrap on September 19, 2014, 12:25:37 PM
Quote from: DigitalIZesty on September 19, 2014, 12:21:40 PM
I've experienced your feelings a lot, and it's only in retrospect that I can post this.


At least I know I'll laugh at the fucking bankers when they come to seize my fucking house and job because I was expecting them.

Seek help

There is none. But I have one last trump card to play if things are about to tumble.
And that is?
Thats personnel kid.
and this thread wasn't?

Oh no, you got me there!

(I'm escaping the conversation)

 
 
DAS B00T x2 | Cultural Appropriator
 
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This is not the greatest sig in the world, no. This is just a tribute.
Gotta increase velocity in a rapid manner!

 
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"You are young. I am old. I am dead."
Sandtrap, it sounds like you need the Flood in your life IRL.

Why must we all live so far away?
Last Edit: September 19, 2014, 02:34:40 PM by Mr. Admirals

 
 
Sandtrap | Mythic Sage
 
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Quote from: Mr. Admirals on September 19, 2014, 02:34:18 PM
Sandtrap, it sounds like you need the Flood in your life IRL.

Why must we all live so far away?

I'd be a lying sack of old sacks if I said I was all fine and dandy. But at least I'm trying. The fact that I am still here, the fact that I'm not shutting everything out and remain to talk on these forums is a testament that some part of me isn't falling apart and can think rationally.

Through conversing here, through writing, at the very least, I can keep taking a step at a time. Maybe everything will turn into a shithole around me. Our debts will climb high, and overcome what we can pay. Our house and place of work may be seized, and things will crumble as the winter rolls in.

But maybe they wont. Maybe I can slow it, maybe I can stop it. So I have to try. So as long as there are people here that will listen to what I write, no matter what it is, I am not as alone as I may sound.

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I really wish I could be there for ya, I REALLY fucking do, but I can't. Sandtrap, keep fucking going, don't give in to whatever's eating you right now.