Dale Cooper: [ talking into tape recorder ] Diane, 11:31 pm. Just finished washing up and ready for bed. This morning, I showered for nine minutes. Found seventeen hairs; three curly, fourteen straight. I used the Basalm shampoo along with the conditioner courtesy of the hotel and delivering what it promised. A silky manageability. Cotton towel by Field Crest with just the right amount of absorbancy. Consumed fifteen doughnuts today, Diane. All jelly. I'll be injecting my insulin in four minutes. Diane, slept great last night. Got to find out what kind of sheets these are; not cotton, not rayon, silky. Damn fine sheets. I'm gonna get naked and slide around in them.

[ front door opens, as Sheriff Truman enters ]

Sheriff Truman: Cooper, great news. We found out who killed Laura Palmer. It was Leo. He just confessed.

Dale Cooper: Harry, I'm glad you're here. Tonight we're going to go up to One-Eyed Jacks disguised as indians. Hawk said we could borrow his buckskins - you know, the one with the eagle feather.

Sheriff Truman: Cooper, listen. Leo confessed. Leo turned himself in.

Dale Cooper: Well, that's good news, Harry. Another piece of the puzzle. It won't be long now.

Sheriff Truman: No, no, no, no. Leo confessed. He really did, honest. It's over. We found the murder weapon in the truck. His fingerprints match. We even have a video tape of it. [ pulls videotape out of his pocket ]

Dale Cooper: Harry, in the FBI we're trained in one very important thing - to look beyond the obvious. Now, this video tape is helpful, but last night I had a dream. In that dream I saw a hairless mouse with a pitchfork singing a song about caves. I surmised these are the same caves at the Packard Saw Mill. Harry, tonight you and I are going to do a little spelunking.

[ the front door bursts open, as a handcuffed Leo enters with Deputy Andy Brennan ]

Leo: I guess you heard. I did it. I'm ready to do my time. Get me a beer!

Dale Cooper: Harry, this certainly puts him high on the list of suspects.

Audrey Horne: [ enters the room and leans against the wall ] Agent Cooper.

Dale Cooper: Audrey, did you dig up any new leads at the perfume counter?

Audrey Horne: I quit that job as soon as I found that Leo did it.

Leo: That's right! I'm the one.

Dale Cooper: [ scolding ] I'm talking to Audrey.

Leo: [ reaches in his pants pocket ] I've got pictures, see. [ pulls out his wallet and displays the pictures ] Here's me about to kill her. Here's me killing her. Here's me wrapping her in plastic.

Audrey Horne: [ squeezing between Cooper & Leo ] I just wanted to say goodbye, Agent Cooper. I want you to take this with you. [ hands him a gift ] I just have to finish wrapping it. [ shoves a 5-inch long, red ribbon in her mouth and slowly gobbles it up. Her tongue squirms around in her mouth, then she sticks her tongue out to reveal a tied red bow, which she places on Cooper's gift. ]

Dale Cooper: Thank you Audrey. [ Audrey exits the room ] Harry, tonight we'll stake out the graveyard disguised as alter boys.

Sheriff Truman: No, no. No, we won't, Cooper, and I'll tell you why - because the crime has been solved already. Leo confessed.

Dale Cooper: Okay, we'll go to One-Eyed Jacks disguised as Eskimo seal hunters.

Sheriff Truman: No, Cooper.

Dale Cooper: How about Vegas?

Sheriff Truman: No.

Dale Cooper: It's fun.

Sheriff Truman: Come off it, Cooper.

Dale Cooper: Harry, I've got it. [ picks up a rock from the table. ] I'll throw this rock at the window. If it breaks, Leo is innocent. [ throws the rock at the window, breaking it. ]

Dale Cooper: Leo, you're free to go.

Sheriff Truman: Look, Cooper - I know you have interesting methods, and I don't blame you for loving your work. But seeing that this crime is solved already, I'd like to move on to an unsolved crime.

Leo: Look! I did it! You think those notes I sent you were a joke?!

Dale Cooper: What notes?

Leo: Those notes right there. [ points to some notes on the table ]

Sheriff Truman: [ picks up the notes and reads them ] "Dear Agent Cooper. I killed Laura Palmer. Signed Leo Johnson." [ reads next note, as Cooper looks on ] "Dear Agent Cooper. Wondering if you got my first note, re: my killing of Laura Palmer. Signed Leo Johnson." [ reads next note ] "Dear Agent Cooper. Why no response about me killing Laura Palmer? Are you still on the case? If not, please forward to proper authorities. Yours truly, Leo 'the murderer of Laura Palmer' Johnson."