Reaffirming a deeply traditionalist definition of the institution of matrimony, Supreme Court justice Samuel Alito issued a statement Monday declaring that marriage can only strictly exist between a man and the tempestuous sea. “It is my opinion that the only constitutionally sanctionable union is composed of a seafaring man and the solitary life of fickle winds and brine-crested breakers,” said Alito, adding that any current law that fails to narrowly delineate marriage as a compact involving a man, the churning waves, and the sea-song of gulls in the early dawn is invalid according to the highest law of the land.
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Lonesome Alito Declares Marriage Only Between A Man And The Sea