I just feel like talking a bit is all. Something I'd like to get off my chest I guess.

I've got a faulty heart. Maybe I said that at some point. And not just faulty-miss-a-few-beats faulty anymore. We're talking one day it'll stop out of the blue and I'll drop dead. Well, that warrants me for a heart transplant. But I gave it some thought a while back when it was propositioned to me.

Me and my "salvage" chemotherapy. At the best case scenario? I've got maybe 20 years. 30 is pushing it so extremely far that it's almost out of the question. So, I figured, why waste it?

Why waste a heart on myself? If I've only got that long of a chance at the max, why bother getting a transplant? To which I figured if my heart does stop between now and whenever, it'd be no big deal since, well, I'm pretty much fucked anyway.

But, I still think about it every now and then. And I suppose, I always could sign up for one. But it seems like a waste to me.

Anyway. I guess so you folks don't have to put up with me bleeding about my "feels" on the subject, do any of you ever have doubts on big things like that? Maybe things you could still potentially change if you wanted to?

I wouldn't see it as a waste at all, just saying man

It would be though. Think about it. For the sake of conventional thinking here. Let's say I've got 20 years before my tumor officially hits it off with a wake up party and kills me. My heart might not fail in that time span. The key thing is maintaining levels of strain. Too much, and of course, it'll go.

But, 20 years. If I go earlier than that, it won't really matter much, will it? In 20 years a kid in the hospital could grow to reach my age because of a heart transplant.

You don't just scoop up working hearts off the street you know. Somebody dies for it. And even then. Compatible blood types and cell types so the heart isn't rejected and attacked by your body.

I just think about it. Why would I do that when there are so many people out there who could make better use of it than me? Hell, there's a person in my town, even. She's got a genetic inherited heart defect. She could drop dead at any time. Not the same as mine but all the same, same end result.

I dunno. Either way, it's a coin toss at how far I can make it. And looking at things, going through a transplant seems like a bit of a waste, when I'm not dealing with much time anyway.

You know how many years Stephen Hawking's doctors gave him when they discovered he had ASL?

Two years.

He's still alive and kicking today.

Predictions are just that. Predictions. You have already faced close death and survived, haven't you? Don't think of it as taking the opportunity from someone else. It's impossible to predict the future, for all you know that heart won't go to a kid as no kid will need it, and then you not taking the transplant would have been in vain.

Of all the people on this site, I think you're on of the nicest and most sympathetic ones. I'd say you deserve this.

I was using kids as an example, really. Transplants take time anyway. Months waiting in line essentially. It could go to anybody for all I care.

Like I said. Even if I get the heart the tumor will still get me. It won't stay benign forever. I've been surrounded by people in my life who've had various forms of cancer. I've never seen one of them ever beat the odds of time given to them. Even the healthiest, strongest willed folks. Maybe they're predictions. But they're reasonably accurate. Hawking is an extremely rare exception.

I wouldn't say I do. I look at the stuff I've done over 20 years. I look at the person I am now. What could I change in the next few decades about me? I don't know. I don't see much of a person left in here to salvage anyway. I do the small things that make me happy every now and then. And I help the people I care about since I know they need a hand.

But, I've never been able to outrun the stuff that's chasing me. I've read through the books. Talked to the docs. My personality is one subject and leaning to depressive. It's hard to dig out of a hole like that. Even with the help from the docs.

I'm trying, no doubt. But making no dents. I've got all this crap gunning for me one way or another. I've always got something fun on the brain to consider. Of course, not saying I'll stop. I'll try and slog through this until I can't. But, that heart transplant deal.

Kinda stuck on it. Kind of funny, really. It wouldn't mean jack shit in the end. Wouldn't save me from anything other than heart issues. I still get hitched on it though. Like it's a holy grail that can pull me out of all this. Na. No holy grails.

Quote from: Cerulean on September 02, 2015, 03:07:27 AM

You know how many years Stephen Hawking's doctors gave him when they discovered he had ASL?

Two years.

He's still alive and kicking today.

Predictions are just that. Predictions. You have already faced close death and survived, haven't you? Don't think of it as taking the opportunity from someone else. It's impossible to predict the future, for all you know that heart won't go to a kid as no kid will need it, and then you not taking the transplant would have been in vain.

Of all the people on this site, I think you're on of the nicest and most sympathetic ones. I'd say you deserve this.

I was using kids as an example, really. Transplants take time anyway. Months waiting in line essentially. It could go to anybody for all I care.

Like I said. Even if I get the heart the tumor will still get me. It won't stay benign forever. I've been surrounded by people in my life who've had various forms of cancer. I've never seen one of them ever beat the odds of time given to them. Even the healthiest, strongest willed folks. Maybe they're predictions. But they're reasonably accurate. Hawking is an extremely rare exception.

I wouldn't say I do. I look at the stuff I've done over 20 years. I look at the person I am now. What could I change in the next few decades about me? I don't know. I don't see much of a person left in here to salvage anyway. I do the small things that make me happy every now and then. And I help the people I care about since I know they need a hand.

But, I've never been able to outrun the stuff that's chasing me. I've read through the books. Talked to the docs. My personality is one subject and leaning to depressive. It's hard to dig out of a hole like that. Even with the help from the docs.

I'm trying, no doubt. But making no dents. I've got all this crap gunning for me one way or another. I've always got something fun on the brain to consider. Of course, not saying I'll stop. I'll try and slog through this until I can't. But, that heart transplant deal.

Kinda stuck on it. Kind of funny, really. It wouldn't mean jack shit in the end. Wouldn't save me from anything other than heart issues. I still get hitched on it though. Like it's a holy grail that can pull me out of all this. Na. No holy grails.

I know that it's rare to beat the predictions. But it does happen.

Granted, I don't know much of your personal life, so maybe I'm not in a position to say this. But I'll do it anyway, you might be too hard on yourself. You're a human being, you don't deserve death more than anyone else. Isn't it natural to try to survive even against all odds?

Jesus holy fucking christ, you can't seem to catch a break, Ol' Sandtrap.

A couple months ago if I was in a similar situation I would've said "Fuck it" and done nothing.

Nowadays, I have someone who means the world to me that I just couldn't leave behind. From what I understand and have read before, you also have people who YOU mean the world to and vice versa. You can't just give up. You gotta keep pushing, till the bitter end.

Go for the transplant, fuck the odds.

There's always the hope that two decades from now they'll have better treatment for cancer. Humanity has suppressed or cured more diseases in the past fifteen years than we have in all of history prior; don't count yourself out yet.

It's a tumor, man. Fuck, if it was just in another area they could cut it out even. This little bundle of derp ain't complicated. Just in the wrong place is all.

I guess I didn't explain my math real well though. My ticker can most likely carry me far for quite some time. I just need to watch out for heavy strain. That's why a transplant seems like a waste when I've got pretty much assured buckets to kick within the next 20 years or so.

Lob new heart into the works and then keel over from other things. Yeah. That sure wasn't wasted.

You're too fucking stubborn to die before 50, bro.

40's doesn't seem so bad, honestly.

Most guys in their 40s go through a neat phase. 40 seems like kind of big and you'll notice a lot of 40 year olds get really sure of themselves as if they know everything about how the world works. It's tripping out on being older basically.

That wouldn't be a bad phase to kick the can in. Everything would feel known and assured to me and then poof, into the grave. Better than living to be a crusty old fuck because that seems to be the road I'm getting pulled along on.