This is just going to be a rant thing, but it something in doing more for myself than anyone else. If you're not going to actually contribute anything then please don't bother, because in seriously not in the mood. I don't expect anyone to read this, but I'll probably be deleting this by tomorrow regardless.

Alright, well I gues one thing people should know about me is that I don't like putting my problems on other people. I don't tell people anything about me because I don't want them worrying for something that doesn't involve them and I get annoyed when people request information on how my day was and etc. I'm that person who doesn't want anything for Christmas or any birthday celebrations because I don't want people wasting their money on me. So the fact I'm doing this is sort of a sign of weakness for me but its something I feel I need to do.

But another thing I sometimes get is these spurts where I just suddenly get all depressive and sad for a while. It tends to happen when I'm in deep thought as I just believe that life in general is shit. In general, I end up thinking dark thoughts and stuff which I realise probably isn't healthy. But I've come to realise that if my family was killed, I wouldn't care. I would be able to take someone's life if it was necessary and that everything dies, so there's no point trying to fight it. But recently these kinds of thoughts are becoming more and more common, until a couple of days ago I accidentally cut my finger on a knife while making a sandwich. Nothing major, just essentially a paper cut but I realised just how sharp the knife was and realised how easy it would be to slit someone's throat with it. Which I recognise is not a healthy mindset, when walking into a room, you're immediately analysing why you could use as a makeshift weapon or what you would do if you were forced to defend yourself. [Yeah. Yeah. Le epic crawling and all that. I know this sounds as fedora as all holy hell.]

The other thing that constantly occupies my mind more permanently is my resentment of other people, being around other people and the fact that I do not trust anyone. I can name five people I trust outright- two of them friends since as long as I can remember, one because he doesn't really care but he listens to what I say and the other two are people I know from the Internet. And only one of them I have ever trusted with this kind of thing- I was very tempted to make an alt for this but decided not to bother. But I basically have an inherent distrust. I can't accept good things happening, or people wanting to be a friend because I imagine people like I am- and I become friends with most people because it will benefit me later on. Because I can gain an advantage from them, so I view people as doing the same to me, hence why I cannot trust many people. I should also note at this point that I do not trust any of my family with details regarding my personal life. I have little respect for my father, I like my mother but she massively overreacts and I don't know anyone else well enough to trust with stuff, which I believe is why I need to make this thread on the Internet, where I am ultinately just some dude on a keyboard. The anonymity of the Internet means I find it easier to trust with my own stuff than other IRL people. When forced to be in large groups, I become anxious and disoriented as there is too much going on and too many sounds and it ends up overwhelming, and I need to sit down in a quiet empty place to recuperate.

I guess that leads on to writing. Although I enjoy world building, I know that I'll likely never make it as a writer because I'm shit. But for me, it was never about a job or anything. It was simply about creating something to actually work for. Because I am just bored. Of everything. If life in general. To me, it's just a routine. School, eat. Sleep repeat. Nothing interesting is happening. So I make things up. I create this fantasy world where I can tie in my knowledge of real science (This was the only reason I picked A Level physics btw) to something I create. I can-for four or five hours between school and sleep- just immerse myself in this works and forget how shit and boring the real world is. It's the same reason why I poured over 1,000 hours into Skyrim in a few weeks, or why I have 100% completion of both 'new' Fallout games, read every codex entry in Mass Effect and read the books on Halo and joined a website just for talking about the story. It's why I play video games, read books, watch films and TV. Because my world view is that everything you do is just procrastinating until your body gives up and dies. Only thing is that a couple hundred years ago, you could find a side quest fairly easily by wandering out into the wilderness, putting up a fence and building your own house and growing crops. Now it's just spending hours on a job so you can buy basic food and a house so you can do your job and everything you care about eventually is kicked out of the back door and forgotten. It's the reason I don't do any schoolwork at home; I need something to do like writing or I lose motivation for everything. I lose motivation and I just stop and life just becomes a pointless maze that you can't actually escape, and that's when I begin wondering what the point of bothering is anyway, when you can't trust the government or banks to actually make sure what little you have is worth something. I'm just stuck in this endless train of thought as I go from one thought to another. Especially when I constantly add that I likely cannot get into anything I want to do; physics? I'm bad at maths (Teachers keep me on the course because I'm interested. That's it) and writing/ indie games are a slim chance at best, with landing a job at the likes of 343i even lower. I just.. Don't know what to do and I feel that I genuinely need some advice.

Wow...thats a lot how i think like.

Sorry >.>
I dont really have any advice because im much the same.

Yeah. I was trying to sleep but couldn't, so I decided that typing something would help and it did surprisingly.

Kinda have the same thoughts sometimes, like I just feel like people really aren't fucking worth my time just as to I'm not worth their time.

tl;dr: OP is facing depression including severe apathy, sociopathic tendencies, social anxiety, fear of his future plans (in the academic/work world), and uses videogame lore as a coping method and he wants advice.

The most important thing it seems that you need is motivation, and maybe something to distract you from your darker thoughts. But then again I don't want to become an armchair psychologist and give bad advice and diagnoses.

That's more or less summing it up.


What do you mean by armchair psychologist?

Quote from: A Cheese Potato on December 03, 2014, 07:40:57 PM

I'm in a similar situation where basically all I do is play video games, read and youtube. I finsihed school, finished extra studies now trying to get a job which is taking a while since I have no prior work experience. So I just sort of sit here and play video games hah. But if I had a job and money then I know what I'd want to do, so maybe having some sort of long term goal would help you too.

Yeah. I want to go into computer games as I have clear ideas for a game set in my universe. It's just that the indie market is becoming over saturated and you basically can't set up a AAA studio anymore unless you have a few million from the start.

Yeah I had brief period where I was interested in working in the games industry, but then I remembered I live in Australia and getting a job to do with here that would be nigh impossible haha.

But you're right, it is harder to make an indie game especially recently, what with most games on kickstarter just never getting even close to their advertised product. But then again that does mean ones that do update well and properly to the standard they set, usually do quite well.

Quote from: BaconShelf on December 03, 2014, 07:32:59 PM

This is just going to be a rant thing, but it something in doing more for myself than anyone else. If you're not going to actually contribute anything then please don't bother, because in seriously not in the mood. I don't expect anyone to read this, but I'll probably be deleting this by tomorrow regardless.

Alright, well I gues one thing people should know about me is that I don't like putting my problems on other people. I don't tell people anything about me because I don't want them worrying for something that doesn't involve them and I get annoyed when people request information on how my day was and etc. I'm that person who doesn't want anything for Christmas or any birthday celebrations because I don't want people wasting their money on me. So the fact I'm doing this is sort of a sign of weakness for me but its something I feel I need to do.

But another thing I sometimes get is these spurts where I just suddenly get all depressive and sad for a while. It tends to happen when I'm in deep thought as I just believe that life in general is shit.

Spoiler

Read BC's there'd for that. But essentially I just don't see what is worth living for right now. Nothing major is happening in terms of space exploration and my view is that I'm unlikely to be alive when we start making useable fusion reactors and spacecraft and shit, which heavily depresses me. As far as I'm concerne the world is just getting shittier every day

In general, I end up thinking dark thoughts and stuff which I realise probably isn't healthy. But I've come to realise that if my family was killed, I wouldn't care. I would be able to take someone's life if it was necessary and that everything dies, so there's no point trying to fight it. But recently these kinds of thoughts are becoming more and more common, until a couple of days ago I accidentally cut my finger on a knife while making a sandwich. Nothing major, just essentially a paper cut but I realised just how sharp the knife was and realised how easy it would be to slit someone's throat with it. Which I recognise is not a healthy mindset, when walking into a room, you're immediately analysing why you could use as a makeshift weapon or what you would do if you were forced to defend yourself. [Yeah. Yeah. Le epic crawling and all that. I know this sounds as fedora as all holy hell.]

The other thing that constantly occupies my mind more permanently is my resentment of other people, being around other people and the fact that I do not trust anyone. I can name five people I trust outright- two of them friends since as long as I can remember, one because he doesn't really care but he listens to what I say and the other two are people I know from the Internet. And only one of them I have ever trusted with this kind of thing- I was very tempted to make an alt for this but decided not to bother. But I basically have an inherent distrust. I can't accept good things happening, or people wanting to be a friend because I imagine people like I am- and I become friends with most people because it will benefit me later on. Because I can gain an advantage from them, so I view people as doing the same to me, hence why I cannot trust many people. I should also note at this point that I do not trust any of my family with details regarding my personal life. I have little respect for my father, I like my mother but she massively overreacts and I don't know anyone else well enough to trust with stuff, which I believe is why I need to make this thread on the Internet, where I am ultinately just some dude on a keyboard. The anonymity of the Internet means I find it easier to trust with my own stuff than other IRL people. When forced to be in large groups, I become anxious and disoriented as there is too much going on and too many sounds and it ends up overwhelming, and I need to sit down in a quiet empty place to recuperate.

I guess that leads on to writing. Although I enjoy world building, I know that I'll likely never make it as a writer because I'm shit. But for me, it was never about a job or anything. It was simply about creating something to actually work for. Because I am just bored. Of everything. If life in general. To me, it's just a routine. School, eat. Sleep repeat. Nothing interesting is happening. So I make things up. I create this fantasy world where I can tie in my knowledge of real science (This was the only reason I picked A Level physics btw) to something I create. I can-for four or five hours between school and sleep- just immerse myself in this works and forget how shit and boring the real world is. It's the same reason why I poured over 1,000 hours into Skyrim in a few weeks, or why I have 100% completion of both 'new' Fallout games, read every codex entry in Mass Effect and read the books on Halo and joined a website just for talking about the story. It's why I play video games, read books, watch films and TV. Because my world view is that everything you do is just procrastinating until your body gives up and dies. Only thing is that a couple hundred years ago, you could find a side quest fairly easily by wandering out into the wilderness, putting up a fence and building your own house and growing crops. Now it's just spending hours on a job so you can buy basic food and a house so you can do your job and everything you care about eventually is kicked out of the back door and forgotten. It's the reason I don't do any schoolwork at home; I need something to do like writing or I lose motivation for everything. I lose motivation and I just stop and life just becomes a pointless maze that you can't actually escape, and that's when I begin wondering what the point of bothering is anyway, when you can't trust the government or banks to actually make sure what little you have is worth something. I'm just stuck in this endless train of thought as I go from one thought to another. Especially when I constantly add that I likely cannot get into anything I want to do; physics? I'm bad at maths (Teachers keep me on the course because I'm interested. That's it) and writing/ indie games are a slim chance at best, with landing a job at the likes of 343i even lower. I just.. Don't know what to do and I feel that I genuinely need some advice.

You need purpose for life? Get a dog. I got a Shar Pei 6 years ago, my life would mean nothing if I didn't have to take care of him.

Have one, she would probably the only thing that would genuinely upset me is when she goes and she's 11 now. I've had her for 9 years now :3

Quote from: BaconShelf on December 03, 2014, 07:44:51 PM

Quote from: A Cheese Potato on December 03, 2014, 07:40:57 PM

I'm in a similar situation where basically all I do is play video games, read and youtube. I finsihed school, finished extra studies now trying to get a job which is taking a while since I have no prior work experience. So I just sort of sit here and play video games hah. But if I had a job and money then I know what I'd want to do, so maybe having some sort of long term goal would help you too.

Yeah. I want to go into computer games as I have clear ideas for a game set in my universe. It's just that the indie market is becoming over saturated and you basically can't set up a AAA studio anymore unless you have a few million from the start.

Yeah I had brief period where I was interested in working in the games industry, but then I remembered I live in Australia and getting a job to do with here that would be nigh impossible haha.

But you're right, it is harder to make an indie game especially recently, what with most games on kickstarter just never getting even close to their advertised product. But then again that does mean ones that do update well and properly to the standard they set, usually do quite well.

I heard the team that did the new Borderlands game (Not TellTale) are Australian.

Quote from: BaconShelf on December 03, 2014, 07:49:58 PM

Quote from: Dustin a Nut on December 03, 2014, 07:48:25 PM

tl;dr: OP is facing depression including severe apathy, sociopathic tendencies, social anxiety, fear of his future plans (in the academic/work world), and uses videogame lore as a coping method and he wants advice.

The most important thing it seems that you need is motivation, and maybe something to distract you from your darker thoughts. But then again I don't want to become an armchair psychologist and give bad advice and diagnoses.

That's more or less summing it up.


What do you mean by armchair psychologist?

It means I'm not an expert and you should take what I say with little value and heavy prejudice.

Aah.

I feel you. I don't let that stuff get to me, though, even though it's behind me, staring at me everywhere I go.

Quote from: BaconShelf on December 03, 2014, 07:55:06 PM

Quote from: BricktopLemön on December 03, 2014, 07:54:12 PM

Quote from: BaconShelf on December 03, 2014, 07:52:29 PM

Quote from: BricktopLemön on December 03, 2014, 07:51:18 PM

Quote from: A Cheese Potato on December 03, 2014, 07:40:57 PM

I'm in a similar situation where basically all I do is play video games, read and youtube. I finsihed school, finished extra studies now trying to get a job which is taking a while since I have no prior work experience. So I just sort of sit here and play video games hah. But if I had a job and money then I know what I'd want to do, so maybe having some sort of long term goal would help you too.

I'm the same, except I'm in College studying something I don't even want to do anymore, and I don't even know what I want to do.
I'm applying for multiple jobs a week, but no place has hired me, and it just makes me feel like shit.

What are you studying?

Mechanical Engineering.

I can see why. What do you want to do now?

Quote

and I don't even know what I want to do.

Muh bad.

Quote from: A Cheese Potato on December 03, 2014, 07:50:47 PM

Quote from: BaconShelf on December 03, 2014, 07:44:51 PM

Quote from: A Cheese Potato on December 03, 2014, 07:40:57 PM

I'm in a similar situation where basically all I do is play video games, read and youtube. I finsihed school, finished extra studies now trying to get a job which is taking a while since I have no prior work experience. So I just sort of sit here and play video games hah. But if I had a job and money then I know what I'd want to do, so maybe having some sort of long term goal would help you too.

Yeah. I want to go into computer games as I have clear ideas for a game set in my universe. It's just that the indie market is becoming over saturated and you basically can't set up a AAA studio anymore unless you have a few million from the start.

Yeah I had brief period where I was interested in working in the games industry, but then I remembered I live in Australia and getting a job to do with here that would be nigh impossible haha.

But you're right, it is harder to make an indie game especially recently, what with most games on kickstarter just never getting even close to their advertised product. But then again that does mean ones that do update well and properly to the standard they set, usually do quite well.

I heard the team that did the new Borderlands game (Not TellTale) are Australian.

There's a a couple of developers here but not really anything super major. And I'd most
likely have to move quite far from where I am. So I just decided it wasn't worth it.

Quote from: Snow Digger on December 03, 2014, 07:56:19 PM

I feel you. I don't let that stuff get to me, though, even though it's behind me, staring at me everywhere I go.

I find it hard not to, as I am easily distracted from what I'm doing. And I just don't want to end up doing a job I hate to come home and not have the stuff I enjoy because I know that's what will end up happening to me because I have no motivation.

My motivation is that the future will get better. Yes, while it may be a futile wish, it's what keeps me from spiraling down the abyss.

Quote from: Snow Digger on December 03, 2014, 08:03:45 PM

Quote from: BaconShelf on December 03, 2014, 08:00:32 PM

Quote from: Snow Digger on December 03, 2014, 07:56:19 PM

I feel you. I don't let that stuff get to me, though, even though it's behind me, staring at me everywhere I go.

I find it hard not to, as I am easily distracted from what I'm doing. And I just don't want to end up doing a job I hate to come home and not have the stuff I enjoy because I know that's what will end up happening to me because I have no motivation.

My motivation is that the future will get better. Yes, while it may be a futile wish, it's what keeps me from spiraling down the abyss.

As egotistical as it sounds, I wish I wasn't as intelligent as I am so that I didn't have my mind full of stuff about serious stuff. Ignorance is bliss and all that.

I know exactly what you mean. I just block all the serious, depressing stuff. Like how life is really meaningless when you get down to brass tacks. Also all those depressing thoughts about the universe and what it really is and how everything is so insignificant. If that makes any sense.

I find that thinking like this can drive a person mad.

Don't know if this would help you at all, but life isn't justified in worth because of where it ends, what really matters is what's made of it while it is.

That's the thing for me. I don't want to be remembered or leave a mark, nor a spectacular life. I just want a quiet house in the countryside that can generate its own energy and be more or less sealed from the outside world and just live a peaceful life. Not skydiving and shit.