My best friend outside of the Internet, who I have known for 16+ years, dropped out of college a few months ago, before completing his eighth semester. He was studying for a STEM degree. We both went to different universities—he to a slightly more prestigious one, myself to the cheaper lower-class one—and after four years, he decided he just couldn't handle it anymore.

Had he stuck it out for just one more year, he would've graduated, but the fact that he "fucking hated every single person there" was an important factor in his decision. It wasn't something I didn't see coming eventually—if anything, I was surprised he dropped out so late into the game. It wasn't that he was bullied, or anything—he was mostly just fed up with the culture, and he performed poorly and failed several of his courses.

Every time he'd come home for the summer, we'd always catch up, but the only stories he ever had to tell about college were about how fucking miserable he was there, for pretty much every waking moment of his life. Every single roommate he's ever had has been a piece of shit, or an irresponsible douchebag, and they always treated him like garbage. He's never had a single positive experience he thought was worth telling me about. Not one.

What you need to understand about this guy is that he's a bit of a headcase. I feel like I shouldn't go into details without his approval, but just know that he's not all there. He's nice, funny, hardworking—but he has issues. Many issues.

So many bad roommate stories. It's natural to assume that a lot of it was exaggeration, but literally, there would be times when he'd almost be on the verge of tears telling me these things—so even if he's stretching the truth, or not giving the complete story, or whatever, I know he's not outright lying to me about anything. He's not that kind of person anyway—and again, we're best friends.

Later, he told me he was gonna enroll at my university and transfer all his credits there. I told him that was a good idea, because it is—not only was he close as fuck to graduating anyway, he'll actually be able to do it in a place where he won't want to fucking kill himself every day, because people at my campus are generally nice and pleasant (as far as I know). The fact that his closest friend studies there is certainly a bonus—but it's not like we could dorm together, or anything. Not only are dormitories insanely fucking expensive, I also can't drive. I commute to school every day on a goddamn bus. The only way we'd be able to be roommates is if we got an apartment.

And that's exactly what he wants me to do. He asked me if I wanted to last week, and at first, I had to say no, but only because I knew I wouldn't be able to pay the rent with him. My parents don't pay me to work at the record shop—I'm paid in "room and board," to quote them. Which is fair and all, but that's my situation. I can't pay rent, and that's not fair to him, so I had to say no.

Couple days later, the subject comes up again, only my mother is in earshot. She brings up that I could pitch in with the overage from my financial aid, which is true—but only if I get a decent check. Sometimes it's a lot, sometimes it's not that much. If it's less than $200, that's not gonna help much. I never know what I'm gonna get, I don't understand how any of it works, and I'm not smart enough (or bothered enough, frankly) to figure it out. The "no" has changed to a "maybe," but my friend, naturally, wants a definitive answer. It's not like we have a lot of time before the next semester begins.

So he asked me again about it last night. I had more time to think about it, and I decided that I was being an ass. I probably should've just said "yes" to begin with—my overage has only vacillated in a serious way for one semester, where it dropped significantly because my parents' income rose that year, due to my father getting himself a better job. When your family's income rises, you get more financial aid—and if you're wondering what my family's income has to do with me, the way it works is that my name is tied to my parents' income until I'm 23, which I won't be until the semester has already begun. They really fuck you pretty hard in the ass on that one. Either way, my dad has since lost that job and is working some other place—so, as a result, my overage should be a little higher this semester. Maybe. Unless there are other factors I haven't taken into account.

In any case, the "maybe" has changed to a "yes." Having put my financial concerns to rest... I guess I'm officially moving out of this house now.

It was never really about that anyway, though. That was the excuse I gave, but it wasn't the excuse I felt in my heart—which is, simply, that I don't want to move out. At all. I've lived in this house for 20 years. I realize I have to move out at some point, all I can really think about is, "Why did it have to be right now?" I don't feel ready for it. I'm not ready for it. But I feel like my hand is being forced anyway.

It feels like I'm not making a decision based on what I want—I'm making a decision based on what my friend needs. And he does need me—if he has to room with anyone else, he's gonna be right back where he was. Hating his life, being his manically depressed self. I'm the only person he can have a good time with anymore. And if you're wondering why he doesn't just commute from home—ignoring the fact that he's trying, too, to be a self-respecting adult who doesn't live with his parents at 22, like me—he also fucking hates his parents, and his homelife is just as miserable. Getting an apartment is literally the only option for him (unless he grows to despise me, too).

There are reasons I don't particularly want to go through with this, too, that aren't just based on selfish trepidation. It kinda fucks everything up. I've been working at my parents' shop for a year, and they're working jobs of their own with pretty intense hours. So even though I'm not getting paid, I don't know what they're gonna do without me.

I just feel like he's asking me to make a huge life decision, without even considering for a moment just how much weight that drops on me. I said yes, because I'm morally obligated, but I'm literally up at 5 AM typing this because I'm stressing myself out so hard over it. Maybe I'm overreacting—but even if I am, I just needed to get off my chest.

TL;DR
My depressed friend wants me to move into an apartment with him because he hates everyone and has no one else in his life right now. I told him "yes" out of a sense of loyalty and moral obligation, but I still feel shitty and spineless, because, in my heart of hearts, I honestly have no interest in doing so. I'm very comfortable where I live right now + I have a job here. This was all very sudden, and I don't think my friend understands that. The cognitive dissonance I'm experiencing right now is driving me crazy and I needed to vent about it.

I wanna be a good friend, but I feel like having these thoughts makes me a shitty friend. Or I'm going insane. Or both.

I'm really gonna miss my parents.

From my experience with my roommates, I don't think your friend is exaggerating a lot, but he might should've been less harmless with his roommates.

Also, it's not like you completely abandon your parents, you still can support them from distance, if you feel morally obliged to do so. You can also find better job there and become stronger, which benefit you and your family in long term plan, and make your friend stronger, fix some of his issues which he can't fix alone. Of course, it's all gonna be very hard and it'll take time, but it will be beneficial in long term, if you succeed in any of those things.

You also gonna have an opportunity to rearrange your life, maybe start your vegan crusade or at least implement daily breakfast and more flexible schedule.

It's worth taking into consideration that he's been the common denominator in all his previous failed living experiences. You guys might be best friends now, but given a few months together you could very easily get under each other's skin seeing one another almost 24/7. I know I feel that way after 2-3 days in the same house with my best friends of a similar amount of time. I really need my alone time.

Beyond that, though, it sounds like it scares you a bit, considering you've been comfortable where you are for so long, which tells me that it's probably a good opportunity to grow a bit as a person. I would definitely look into how your financial aid works more just in case there's something you're overlooking -- who knows, you could be missing important information that might not allow for you to move out.

Life isn't the same as when our parents were growing up. You can't work a factory job and buy a house. It's really expensive and hard to move out, people are graduating college and not finding any work in their field. A lot of people still live with their parents, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with that.

Apart from that, though, this is something you should do if you want to do it. Not because your friend is being needy and dramatic. He should man up and deal with his own problems and not make you feel like it's your responsibility to help him get his life together. He's not being a good friend to you right now. Loyalty is one thing, but to ask you to basically uproot your whole life (kind of, I assume you're still in the same town) or he's gonna flush his life down the toilet is manipulative and immature.

I'd say tell him what you're telling us, and just talk it out. If he can't understand then maybe he's not as much your friend as you thought he was. I've asked friends for favors before but to impose a big life decision like this on someone is not s very friendly thing to do. He should be more independent. You said he has issues and I don't pretend to know your friend but I still maintain he's behaving selfishly, whether he realizes it or not.

Like I agree, but neither you or I have these 'issues' Verbs stated. Like theyre mental issues but to what extent. You need to be careful around some people because telling him this could set him up to thinking Verb doesnt want to be around him, leaving his friend in the dark (in his head) and exceedingly increase the chance that he'll kill himself. Like this could be the factor.

I dont want to be dramatic but Verb whats more important? Keeping your normality or your friends' life. Again I dont know the extent. But I've had experience with people who had those feelings and they didnt make the right choice. But not moving out doesnt make you a bad person either, again he IS asking a lot of you, no doubt about it. But maybe you can both band together, get part time jobs and get some money on the side to get some cool shit.

Fuck Im still at home and Im 23, dont think it isnt normal. Cause if I had this job but it was the 80s / 90s Id have my house already.

just do it lol

it sucks not having your own place

an apartment is just as much "your own place" as your parents' is

Quote from: Verbatim on July 15, 2018, 11:59:03 AM

Quote from: Carmen on July 15, 2018, 09:14:25 AM

just do it lol

it sucks not having your own place

an apartment is just as much "your own place" as your parents' is

yeah but what about the heart wrenching shame of not having your own place as an adult

there is none, at all

it would require buying a house, which is a ridiculous decision for most people in this country at this point in time

From my experience with my roommates, I don't think your friend is exaggerating a lot, but he might should've been less harmless with his roommates.

Also, it's not like you completely abandon your parents, you still can support them from distance, if you feel morally obliged to do so. You can also find better job there and become stronger, which benefit you and your family in long term plan, and make your friend stronger, fix some of his issues which he can't fix alone. Of course, it's all gonna be very hard and it'll take time, but it will be beneficial in long term, if you succeed in any of those things.

You also gonna have an opportunity to rearrange your life, maybe start your vegan crusade or at least implement daily breakfast and more flexible schedule.

Yeah, that's basically what I'm trying to do as well. Look at it as an opportunity to mature and grow, get a new life experience. Getting a job might not actually be impossible for me, because I have something on my résumé now, and the apartment itself is smack in the middle of a very commercial area, so all the shops are in walking distance. It could very well be not that bad—I'm just too scared and pessimistic to allow that to alter my predisposition.

i kinda feel you, i feel terrible for being 19 and not having a job. im fortunate enough to have my parents be able to afford most of my university expenses, and im glad, but i just feel like im taking too much advantage. idk just my own lil rant

but in your case, i feel like youll be fine. judging on what hes told you, im guessing he thinks of you as a close friend. living with  him will let you get even closer with him, whether it be playing games together, tv, etc.

as for missing your parents, you dont think yall can make time for each other? grabbing a bite on the weekends or having them visit you

If you were ever planning to move out within the near future, then this is a good move imo.

I struggled a lot with homesickness and getting out of my parents house, that it actually took me two tries to get over it. I moved to a place about a year ago that’s significantly worse in almost every way to my parents house and I’m still glad I came here so that I was able to get over that feeling of homesickness and not wanting to leave before I was in my mid twenties.

Plus there's no bedtimes