If you're having Tech problems, I express empathy for you Humanoid.

Mr. Psychologist · October 20, 2014, 08:09:52 AM

I've got 0b1100011 problems but the Machine Spirits are not 0b1.

Greetings Meatbags, today begins the first lesson in Technotheological rites and maintenance.

Now, the first thing a meatbag like yourself has to learn to accept is the inherent superiority of the machine. Can your miserable rotting organics fire 3000 rounds per minute of 30mm? I think not. Can you switch between Thermal, UV and Standard imaging? I think not. Most of you simply use the machine as a chariot for your morbidly obese nurgle worshipping forms, without even the simplest obsequience to it's poor machine spirit.

Once you have accepted the divinity of the machine, you can move onto learning the 16 universal truths.

Spoiler

The Mysteries

01. Life is directed motion.
02. The spirit is the spark of life.
03. Sentience is the ability to learn the value of knowledge.
04. Intellect is the understanding of knowledge.
05. Sentience is the basest form of Intellect.
06. Understanding is the True Path to Comprehension.
07. Comprehension is the key to all things.
08. The Omnissiah knows all, comprehends all.

The Warnings

09. [Redacted]
10. The soul is the conscience of sentience.
11. A soul can be bestowed only by the Omnissiah.
12. [Redacted]
13. The knowledge of the ancients stands beyond question.
14. The Machine Spirit guards the knowledge of the Ancients.
15. Flesh is fallible, but ritual honours the Machine Spirit.
16. To break with ritual is to break with faith.

Two of these have been redacted for Dogmatic incorrectness, Artificial Intelligence is the Omnissiah's divine will made into reality and as such must be strived for.

Now to introduce you meatbags into the two most simple rites that any menial can perform to resolve the problems of the machine spirit.

The Rite of Percussive Maintenance
Step 1: Light three incense candles, one of petroleum (The Energy) one of WD40 (The Movement) and one of Omega-3 Oil (The Intelligence)
Step 2: Beseeching the Machine Spirit, speak these holy words 'I swear to the Omnissiah, if you don't start working right now...'
Step 3: Assuming that the Machine Spirit remains fickle and uncooperative, commence the percussive maintenance. Strike the body casing to remove the strains and static electricity confounding it's divine circuits. Repeat until said Spirit is appeased. The trick is to not strike too hard as it may damage the machine and that would be Tech-Heresy which is punishable by lobotomisation.

The Rite of Reawakening
Should a piece of delicate machinery be unsuited for the more rugged approach of the previous rite, then you should attempt the Rite of Reawakening.
Step 1: Light three incense candles, one of petroleum (The Energy) one of WD40 (The Movement) and one of Omega-3 Oil (The Intelligence)
Step 2: Beseech the Machine Spirit with the following phrase 'Please just work, I'll update your Drivers and clean the dust filters if you do.'
Step 3: Commence the sedation of the machine via the appropriate off button.
Step 4: Make a cup of sanctified liquid (Tea) and return to said machine.
Step 5: Reawaken the Machine and if it works then you must follow through with your promises to prevent further trouble.

This has been a Meatbag sermon delivered by Magos Psychologis, Ayatollah of the Tech-Temple located in Britbongistan. If any of you have questions regarding Technotheology then please do send forth the correct form for internal cogitation.

Mat Cauthon · October 20, 2014, 08:11:01 AM

TL;DR

The Waifu Master · October 20, 2014, 08:11:03 AM

OP is an RPing nerdlord.

True Turquoise · October 20, 2014, 08:11:36 AM

Didn't treeed

Flee · October 20, 2014, 08:12:08 AM

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The Waifu Master · October 20, 2014, 08:12:13 AM

Quote from: True Turquoise on October 20, 2014, 08:11:36 AM

Didn't treeed

Mr. Psychologist · October 20, 2014, 08:12:34 AM

Quote from: Flee on October 20, 2014, 08:12:08 AM

What am I even reading.

How to Techpriest.

Flee · October 20, 2014, 08:13:15 AM

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Mr. Psychologist · October 20, 2014, 08:13:26 AM

Quote from: The Waifu God on October 20, 2014, 08:11:03 AM

OP is an RPing nerdlord.

ur an fgt

DAS B00T x2 · October 20, 2014, 08:13:44 AM

...

FOR THE GREATER GOOD!

Mr. Psychologist · October 20, 2014, 08:13:57 AM

Quote from: Flee on October 20, 2014, 08:13:15 AM

Quote from: Mr Psychologist on October 20, 2014, 08:12:34 AM
Quote from: Flee on October 20, 2014, 08:12:08 AM
What am I even reading.

How to Techpriest.
What even is a Techpriest? >_>

It's a 40K thing, my Avatars are mostly Techpriest pictures. Apart from the animu bloke and the eye.

True Turquoise · October 20, 2014, 08:14:20 AM

Mr. Psychologist · October 20, 2014, 08:14:37 AM

Quote from: DAS B00T x2 on October 20, 2014, 08:13:44 AM

...

FOR THE GREATER GOOD!

Weaboo space commie shill pls go

Aaaand fixed. Your tech heresy has screwed with my circuits already ._.

Flee · October 20, 2014, 08:15:45 AM

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Mat Cauthon · October 20, 2014, 08:16:54 AM

I don't need to be a machine.

Spoiler

I have swaglasses.

Damn right I'm fucking fabulous.

Mr. Psychologist · October 20, 2014, 08:17:01 AM

Quote from: Flee on October 20, 2014, 08:15:45 AM

Quote from: Mr Psychologist on October 20, 2014, 08:13:57 AM
Quote from: Flee on October 20, 2014, 08:13:15 AM
Quote from: Mr Psychologist on October 20, 2014, 08:12:34 AM
Quote from: Flee on October 20, 2014, 08:12:08 AM
What am I even reading.

How to Techpriest.
What even is a Techpriest? >_>

It's a 40K thing, my Avatars are mostly Techpriest pictures. Apart from the animu bloke and the eye.
Where is anime bloke from? Don't tell me you too are a filthy weeb. D:

It's Kaiki Deishuu from the Monogatari series <.<
About the most dour person I have ever seen, and brilliantly funny because of it >.>

I watch animus, but I'm not a weeb <.<

Flee · October 20, 2014, 08:18:37 AM

This user has been blacklisted from posting on the forums. Until the blacklist is lifted, all posts made by this user have been hidden and require a Sep7agon^® SecondClass Premium Membership to view.

Mat Cauthon · October 20, 2014, 08:18:54 AM

Quote from: Mr Psychologist on October 20, 2014, 08:17:01 AM

Quote from: Flee on October 20, 2014, 08:15:45 AM
Quote from: Mr Psychologist on October 20, 2014, 08:13:57 AM
Quote from: Flee on October 20, 2014, 08:13:15 AM
Quote from: Mr Psychologist on October 20, 2014, 08:12:34 AM
Quote from: Flee on October 20, 2014, 08:12:08 AM
What am I even reading.

How to Techpriest.
What even is a Techpriest? >_>

It's a 40K thing, my Avatars are mostly Techpriest pictures. Apart from the animu bloke and the eye.
Where is anime bloke from? Don't tell me you too are a filthy weeb. D:

It's Kaiki Deishuu from the Monogatari series <.<
About the most dour person I have ever seen, and brilliantly funny because of it >.>

I watch animus, but I'm not a weeb <.<

Spoiler

YouTube

True Turquoise · October 20, 2014, 08:19:12 AM

Quote from: Flee on October 20, 2014, 08:18:37 AM

Quote from: Mr Psychologist on October 20, 2014, 08:17:01 AM
I watch animus, but I'm not a weeb <.<
You better be serious nagger, we don't take kindly to weebs around these parts.

Mat Cauthon · October 20, 2014, 08:20:32 AM

Quote from: True Turquoise on October 20, 2014, 08:19:12 AM

Quote from: Flee on October 20, 2014, 08:18:37 AM
Quote from: Mr Psychologist on October 20, 2014, 08:17:01 AM
I watch animus, but I'm not a weeb <.<
You better be serious nagger, we don't take kindly to weebs around these parts.

kek

Spoiler

Get my PM?

Mr. Psychologist · October 20, 2014, 08:20:50 AM

Quote from: Flee on October 20, 2014, 08:18:37 AM

Quote from: Mr Psychologist on October 20, 2014, 08:17:01 AM
I watch animus, but I'm not a weeb <.<
You better be serious nagger, we don't take kindly to weebs around these parts.

I'm as serious as this face.

Spoiler

Ponyfracker.

Spoiler

Jk

Spoiler

Not actually JK

Spoiler

I was srs

Flee · October 20, 2014, 08:20:56 AM

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Jet Wave · October 20, 2014, 08:21:01 AM

Do I have to use Hexadecimal when I use numbers?

True Turquoise · October 20, 2014, 08:21:26 AM

Quote from: Byrne on October 20, 2014, 08:20:32 AM

Quote from: True Turquoise on October 20, 2014, 08:19:12 AM
Quote from: Flee on October 20, 2014, 08:18:37 AM
Quote from: Mr Psychologist on October 20, 2014, 08:17:01 AM
I watch animus, but I'm not a weeb <.<
You better be serious nagger, we don't take kindly to weebs around these parts.

kek

Spoiler
Get my PM?

I let them know, and the idiot floris.

True Turquoise · October 20, 2014, 08:22:24 AM

Quote from: Flee on October 20, 2014, 08:20:56 AM

Quote from: True Turquoise on October 20, 2014, 08:19:12 AM
Quote from: Flee on October 20, 2014, 08:18:37 AM
Quote from: Mr Psychologist on October 20, 2014, 08:17:01 AM
I watch animus, but I'm not a weeb <.<
You better be serious nagger, we don't take kindly to weebs around these parts.

Reported to Mr. P, enjoy your 3 month castration you weeb.

what if i told you. I don't have a winky

Flee · October 20, 2014, 08:22:25 AM

This user has been blacklisted from posting on the forums. Until the blacklist is lifted, all posts made by this user have been hidden and require a Sep7agon^® SecondClass Premium Membership to view.

Mr. Psychologist · October 20, 2014, 08:22:27 AM

Quote from: Jet Wave on October 20, 2014, 08:21:01 AM

Do I have to use Hexadecimal when I use numbers?

That one is down to personal choice.

Mat Cauthon · October 20, 2014, 08:22:41 AM

Quote from: True Turquoise on October 20, 2014, 08:21:26 AM

Quote from: Byrne on October 20, 2014, 08:20:32 AM
Quote from: True Turquoise on October 20, 2014, 08:19:12 AM
Quote from: Flee on October 20, 2014, 08:18:37 AM
Quote from: Mr Psychologist on October 20, 2014, 08:17:01 AM
I watch animus, but I'm not a weeb <.<
You better be serious nagger, we don't take kindly to weebs around these parts.

kek

Spoiler
Get my PM?

I let them know, and the idiot floris.

Don't be a rude bastard.
He likes you really.

Mr. Psychologist · October 20, 2014, 08:23:14 AM

Quote from: True Turquoise on October 20, 2014, 08:22:24 AM

Quote from: Flee on October 20, 2014, 08:20:56 AM
Quote from: True Turquoise on October 20, 2014, 08:19:12 AM
Quote from: Flee on October 20, 2014, 08:18:37 AM
Quote from: Mr Psychologist on October 20, 2014, 08:17:01 AM
I watch animus, but I'm not a weeb <.<
You better be serious nagger, we don't take kindly to weebs around these parts.

Reported to Mr. P, enjoy your 3 month castration you weeb.

what if i told you. I don't have a winky

Inb4

True Turquoise · October 20, 2014, 08:23:29 AM

Quote from: Byrne on October 20, 2014, 08:22:41 AM

Quote from: True Turquoise on October 20, 2014, 08:21:26 AM
Quote from: Byrne on October 20, 2014, 08:20:32 AM
Quote from: True Turquoise on October 20, 2014, 08:19:12 AM
Quote from: Flee on October 20, 2014, 08:18:37 AM
Quote from: Mr Psychologist on October 20, 2014, 08:17:01 AM
I watch animus, but I'm not a weeb <.<
You better be serious nagger, we don't take kindly to weebs around these parts.

kek

Spoiler
Get my PM?

I let them know, and the idiot floris.
Don't be a rude bastard.
He likes you really.