This is my fucking venting time right now. So I am just going to close my eyes and type because I am kinda tired. Before I got this apartment I have felt like my life was just a miserable fucking grind. A struggle to get to the next day and feel anything. I have been waiting for an opportunity to really feel like myself. Except the anxiety and paranoia has kept me from realizing my true potential for years. For so many years I have felt like I just didn't want to do shit because I felt like my life was not my life. I feel like I was meant to live on my own. My parents always wondered why I never contributed around the house and stuff like that, they thought that I just wouldn't even take care of my own place if I had one. Well they missed one fucking thing and that's that I'm not gonna take care of their fucking house, because I literally just live there because they created me and put me there. Fucking stooges can't get mad at me, those fucking cretin.
So yeah I feel bad about this. because I always treat other people like crap, but I also just can't be myself. My parents don't seem to respect this though. They think that i just have a shitty personality and I don't really respect anyone. So they always talk to me as if I am just being childish and stuff and if I am being annoying. It's a different thing from being annoying and a dip shit to actually having environmental factors that are influencing your behavior. It's like everyone is blind to the fact of how miserable it is for me to not have my own apartment. Except they seem to have noticed after years and years of not... noticing. So they went ahead and got me my own apartment. I feel as though it's come too late though. I feel as though this won't turn around my life. I am extremely old. 20 years old is well into adulthood and I can't just get on with a normal life at this age. It will take so much time to just ease into a normal life, to rehabilitate myself after years of what I consider abuse. Not being on my own and having something to smile about. Being miserable and having to live in a fucking place where people expect me to clean up their fucking house. Nuh uh.
I will try my best to take care of this place though. Not because I am obligated to but because I want to. There is an enormous difference between being pressured to do something you don't want to do and then doing something you want to do because it benefits you. So that is basically the lesson here, is that if you aren't doing something that you want to do then it will definitely impact your life in a negative way. I am just happy to finally be on my own, it's too bad that it came a little bit too late. It will take probably a year to become the person who I truly want to be. I feel as though I am still the sheltered little miserable sack of miserableness that was just release from my parent's house. I want that part of me to wake up. The part of me that has been craving the independence. The part of me that wants to do stuff, the part of me that wants to do stuff because it's what I want to do. I just hope that it develops rapidly and sets a new pace for my life. And I would like to tell everyone that I am happy, finally. This is where things turn around for me.
I was just thinking about how fucking horrible I have been up until now