Good morning gentlemen. I'd like to discuss something with you all this morning. Because I believe it's important. And I think it's time I talk about what's been happening on my end for the past few days. But not what's been happening. More specifically, what happened.

This will be long. Because my words can never do it justice. But all of you people here. Should read this. Okay. Here we go.

What, to you, is death? Think about that for a bit please.
 
That's what I'd like to talk to you about right now. The Quiets look at me like I'm otherworldy. Like I shouldn't still be standing. My family. They can't believe it. My doctor. He insists that I rest. But at the same time he's admitted that he's surprised at how I can still stand.
 
Chemo has, and is destroying my body. My neck is sore and painful because they stuck a needle into my spine. The back of my head is tender and hurts because they cut out a piece of my skull to clean out my head. They put it all back. But it hurts. My heart is broken. I can feel it. Irregular pumps.  And most of all. My time is measured. Chemo doesn't destroy tumors. It damages them, puts them into a dormant state or into remission. And most of all. Why am I here now? The doc is watching me. Because of my heart.
 
This is the point. I can't win. One day, this tumor will go again. Or my heart. It will stop one day because it is damaged and broken.
 
Do you know what I remember? I remember waking up. My head was on fire. Parts of me were numb. I called the doc. I was worried. Scared. Because I knew what was happening. And I didn't want to lose that. I was scared and yet I moved. And, apparently, I made it into the parking lot of the hospital. Turned off my truck. Stepped out, and lost consciousnes. The doc found me out there.
 
There was nothing. What I mean by that, is that there was no gap in time. I went down. I fell asleep. And then?
 
Boom.
 
An explosion. Everything.
 
I want you to imagine that. An explosion of everything. Light. Sound. Sight. Feeling. Pain. Surprise. Memories.
 
The doc says that everything feels new and like deja vu because of the brain damage. And that's fair.That's science. Chemicals and dying cells.
 
But I saw everything. My words don't do it justice. It was like a light switch.
 
So that's why I'm standing. That's why I got up to say hello to friends and family. Because I know now. I know how special it is.
 
I'm in pain. And I realize that my life is still a mess. Still a challenge I may not beat. But I understand.
 
It's all relative. Pain. It's beautiful. It anchors you to this world and destroys you and eats away at your soul.
 
But it's part of it. You can't have good, without bad. Light, without dark.
 
Too much pain, is bad. Because we are simple beings. All of us. We're bound here, to this place, this world among vast stars that we can never touch, will never see, and never truly grasp. And yet, through the scale of it all we're here. We're bound to our bodies in a very real physical world.
 
But I saw everything. Boom. Snap of a finger. All those feelings, sensations, memories. Mistakes, triumphs, good days, bad days.
 
And it hurt. In a good way. It hurts now. Typing this. Because nobody knows.
 
Nobody knows what they stand to lose. And it's not their fault. Because it's perspective. We're simple, earth bound beings of dirt and soil.
 
So what does this mean? What does this mean for me?
 
I stand. I move. Because pain is part of it. And I know. I know now that things will go up now. I will start to get better soon. And I know that one day I will die. All of us will.
 
But in the meantime. I can do my very best. I can try. And I will make mistakes. I have made mistakes.
 
I'm here now. And I know where I go. I go to my grave. Whether it be from this re-ignited tumor one day, or my heart decides that it's done once and for all. I go to my grave because I've no choice. But, all the
same. I go to my life. I go to my world around me and I will do the best I can because I know how special it all is.
 
But I see. I see the world. I see life.
 
And all of it is an experience, for good or bad.
 
I am glad for what was given and what comes down the road.
 
And I think, none of you understand. Most, if not all of you ever will. You won't ever see it. But I want you all to remember what I said here.

Thanks for listening.

Death is...

Quote from: True Turquoise on December 21, 2014, 07:56:52 AM

Death is death. Nothing more

You're missing the point. Death is death. And a few days ago, I died. Flat lined. I was gone for about a minute before they jumpstarted my heart again.

But I'm not talking about death. I'm talking about what you stand to lose. What you stand to lose while you're here.

as in what time I'd lose being here? Or just in general do the things you want before you run out of time?

Quote from: True Turquoise on December 21, 2014, 08:02:34 AM

Quote from: Sandtrap on December 21, 2014, 07:59:47 AM

Quote from: True Turquoise on December 21, 2014, 07:56:52 AM

Death is death. Nothing more

You're missing the point. Death is death. And a few days ago, I died. Flat lined. I was gone for about a minute before they jumpstarted my heart again.

But I'm not talking about death. I'm talking about what you stand to lose. What you stand to lose while you're here.

as in what time I'd lose being here? Or just in general do the things you want before you run out of time?

Fuckin' hell this is hard. Okay. remember what I said. Boom. An explosion of everything. Everything you've done, felt, saw, feel, everything. Everything you currently feel. Pain, sad, happy, whatever.

Being alive. Being alive and every single experience. You stand to lose everything. I drove up to the hospital on Thursday night I think. And I woke back up after the whole mess of work the docs did on me on late Friday afternoon.

There was no gap in that time for me. It was like I fell alseep and then instantly had that explosion in my face.

jeeze... Well sorry I didn't see it.

Quote from: Sandtrap on December 21, 2014, 08:08:04 AM

Quote from: True Turquoise on December 21, 2014, 08:02:34 AM

Quote from: Sandtrap on December 21, 2014, 07:59:47 AM

Quote from: True Turquoise on December 21, 2014, 07:56:52 AM

Death is death. Nothing more

You're missing the point. Death is death. And a few days ago, I died. Flat lined. I was gone for about a minute before they jumpstarted my heart again.

But I'm not talking about death. I'm talking about what you stand to lose. What you stand to lose while you're here.

as in what time I'd lose being here? Or just in general do the things you want before you run out of time?

Fuckin' hell this is hard. Okay. remember what I said. Boom. An explosion of everything. Everything you've done, felt, saw, feel, everything. Everything you currently feel. Pain, sad, happy, whatever.

Being alive. Being alive and every single experience. You stand to lose everything. I drove up to the hospital on Thursday night I think. And I woke back up after the whole mess of work the docs did on me on late Friday afternoon.

There was no gap in that time for me. It was like I fell alseep and then instantly had that explosion in my face.

jeeze... Well sorry I didn't see it.

Hmm. If only.

Quote from: Elegiac on December 21, 2014, 08:19:20 AM

I understand your awakening, but I don't understand your pain, because I haven't felt it. I can imagine it vividly, but I will not say that I've felt it accurately. Life is precious, it should be taken advantage of, but it's also art. You don't let your pain stop you from pursuing what you want to do, and neither will I.

I always respected stuff before this. Life in general. But I see the whole picture now. Pain isn't there to stop you. It only stops you because we're simple beings. Nerves and flesh and warning signals to remind us that we can die. Feelings that can be infringed upon because we are self conscious of ourselves.

But pain's a part of it. It's not an abstract, sitting in a corner. It's the very same as everything else. Part of the experience. It's different. But not inherently bad, or evil. Too much of it is unhealthy because it affects our poor dirt bound bodies and minds. But pain has it's shining moments. Like now. So many broken buggered up things in me and I can still stand because I like to stand and move.

You understand that you're gutsy, though, right? Not everyone can take that pain and beauty and square their chin. Something in your genes and upbringing has prepared you for it. The subtle and empathic will understand. The purely curious will come close to understanding if you're eloquent enough and you give them space to reflect. There are all sorts of people who'll care, but there might be more who don't.

Quote from: Elegiac on December 21, 2014, 08:49:31 AM

Quote from: Sandtrap on December 21, 2014, 08:30:46 AM

Quote from: Elegiac on December 21, 2014, 08:19:20 AM

I understand your awakening, but I don't understand your pain, because I haven't felt it. I can imagine it vividly, but I will not say that I've felt it accurately. Life is precious, it should be taken advantage of, but it's also art. You don't let your pain stop you from pursuing what you want to do, and neither will I.

I always respected stuff before this. Life in general. But I see the whole picture now. Pain isn't there to stop you. It only stops you because we're simple beings. Nerves and flesh and warning signals to remind us that we can die. Feelings that can be infringed upon because we are self conscious of ourselves.

But pain's a part of it. It's not an abstract, sitting in a corner. It's the very same as everything else. Part of the experience. It's different. But not inherently bad, or evil. Too much of it is unhealthy because it affects our poor dirt bound bodies and minds. But pain has it's shining moments. Like now. So many broken buggered up things in me and I can still stand because I like to stand and move.

You understand that you're gutsy, though, right? Not everyone can take that pain and beauty and square their chin. Something in your genes and upbringing has prepared you for it. The subtle and empathic will understand. The purely curious will come close to understanding if you're eloquent enough and you give them space to reflect. There are all sorts of people who'll care, but there might be more who don't.

Don't know if I'd call it gutsy. Plenty of folks go through worse experiences than me every day. And they can't help it or fix it and yet there they are. I'm just up and about because I like to be up and about. Drop me off in their shoes and I'd be a big mess though. So I ask what takes more guts?

Going because you know? Or going because you don't know yet you still step forward anyway?

Who knows? All I know is that in the meantime I'm around! And things go up from here. Stuff will go up now and I'll start to recover. Won't be long now.

People go through more, or less, and they do more, or less with it. It's cool. Just keep on truckin'.

At least you're not in a coma this time.

No rest for the wicked!

well shit

there goes my smile

Quote from: Officer Big Dick Dave on December 21, 2014, 06:02:25 PM

well shit

there goes my smile

Why the fuck did I kill your smile? Unless you were hoping I stayed dead or something I'm fine as can fucking be right now. I feel like I got ass pounded by a semi but I'm alive and there isn't shit that can keep me down.

just reading what you're going through kinda brings me down and puts into perspective how lucky I am to be in good health >.>

I like to think that I have come to terms with the impermanence of life, but I still think about death often enough.

It takes a special kind of strength and courage to turn suffering on its head, I admire you for that. I certainly hope you do make a successful recovery. We may not know eachother, but I don't want you to die.

Quote from: DemonicChronic on December 21, 2014, 06:15:53 PM

I like to think that I have come to terms with the impermanence of life, but I still think about death often enough.

Who doesn't? Fact is my heart stopped. Gave out because of too much strain. I was under for just under a minute before they got me back. I don't remember a damn thing. But I think about it. What, if anything waits for us when our time shows up.

But I'm reminded that I won't have that answer until it comes knocking on my door. And so life, everything we have is special. Even the bad. Because what if, there was nothing?

Wouldn't you fight to have something over nothing? Fight to keep it. To live it and breathe it for as long as you can?

The ego can only endure so much for so long. Good or bad. Life is fleeting yes, but eventually one needs to rest. I may cherish the things I love in this life, and even the bad and what it has taught me, but none of it is absolute, not even the feelings I hold on to because of it. I believe that there is only one thing that truly is, the nature of which is beyond any relative way to define or measure. It is understandable that the only sense one might make of death is nothingness because perception is unable to grasp that which lies on the other side of that door.

I could almost envy you for having experienced something so powerful, but I won't because I don't believe I'm ready for it and I may never be. However, I thank you for sharing your experience with me as best as you can.

I wish you all the luck in the world, Sandtrap.

Quote from: o______________o on December 21, 2014, 07:21:13 PM

It takes a special kind of strength and courage to turn suffering on its head, I admire you for that. I certainly hope you do make a successful recovery. We may not know eachother, but I don't want you to die.

I remember you. You're a glass blower correct?

It is my dream, yes.

Quote from: Sandtrap on December 21, 2014, 09:08:18 PM

Quote from: o______________o on December 21, 2014, 07:21:13 PM

It takes a special kind of strength and courage to turn suffering on its head, I admire you for that. I certainly hope you do make a successful recovery. We may not know eachother, but I don't want you to die.

I remember you. You're a glass blower correct?

It is my dream, yes.

Hmm. You're one of the folks I remember because you're a rarity in this world and day and age. You know how much of a dying art glass blowing is?

Keep going my friend. You'll do well.