I woke up feeling bright and refreshed. My mom had to go into Orlando for an EEG, that's a neuroscience thing to get more info on whatever's causing her brain to have seizures. I took a shower, had a light breakfast, and went into work. I recently moved to Florida, as some of you know, and I'm quickly proving myself at my new hotel job. So far, I've gotten nothing but compliments and assurances of my expertise at being a front desk agent, and I really want to keep that going. Being on drugs would do nothing but weigh me down.

I spent some time today reviewing my life through the countless threads I've made on this site. I don't like the person I've made myself out to be, and I while I believe I've changed, I understand if most of you aren't convinced. While a straight-edged life is boring, it's fruitful and it's exactly what my family and myself need right now. I can't afford another slip. I can't afford anything less than perfection right now. I only make $10 an hour, my mom doesn't work, and our rent is $900 a month.

We escaped my abusive stepfather, but now we're facing reality. I don't have a lot of hormones left, and while yes, I'd like to continue my transition, any goals of passing as a girl are out the window for me. I don't have enough money for drugs, and my new mindset refuses to let me break any laws in search of a brief escape from sobriety. I'm a bad person, one of the worst I know. I'm not pretending to be altruistic, but at the same time it hurts me to see my mom and brother suffer. I kind of hate their personalities, same as I hate mine. But there's nothing left to do.

The adventure I had today was just accepting all of this. For the next long while, I won't be happy or even entertained, but I need to keep up the facade of happiness so I can be liked. No one likes a negative jerk. The point of this thread is just to get this down. My mission: to use the gifts granted to me - my natural amicability, my physical health, and my experience - to provide for myself and my family, until I'm not needed anymore. Maybe then, I'll find a place to rest my spirit.

good on you fam