jocephalopod simulator thread

i am karjala takaisin · January 17, 2016, 07:19:19 PM

The year was 1992, and the Nagorno-Karabakh War was raging on without an end in sight. Because of this, my pet cremation business in Yerevan was receiving much more business than usual, and I soon became one of the more wealthy people on my side of town.

One day, two burly men dressed in military fatigues entered my business.

"Duk’ Jocephalopd?" they demanded.

I nodded instinctively.

Upon doing this, the soldierly men approached me with bellicose speed; one of the beasts restrained me while the other injected me with some sort of sedative. I quickly lost consciousness.

When I woke up, I was strapped down to an operating table inside a stark white room--men in lab coats chattered all around me in an unmistakably Turkic tongue.

After a few minutes, the lab-coated men quieted down while one, presumably the one in charge, gave a command. Of the words he spoke, I understood one, one that stuck out rather ominously--genetik.

Four men gathered around me and began injecting my extremities with large syringes filled with a pale-yellowish liquid. The pain was so intense that I once again passed out.

When I awoke for the second time, I was laying in a bed in some sort of jail cell; besides the bed, the room contained only a mirror and a rather cold looking toilet. A man dressed in an officer's uniform stood nearby.

Something about me felt off. I looked at my arms and legs, and let out a barely audible gasp of horror. I was covered in patches of black fur, and my limbs terminated with grossly misshapen mockeries of canid paws.

I ran over to the mirror. My entire face was projecting outwards, like a snout; small whiskers had sprouted from my cheeks. My canine teeth were larger and sharper, and two apparently functionless dogs ears had grown out the side of my head. On my back was a small tail.

Looking back now, it was like someone had stopped me halfway through transformation in one of those furry fetish drawings--I was truly half man, half dog in appearance, a complete abomination.

"Enjoying your new look?" said the officer. I simply gave him a look that was a mix of anger and disbelief, disbelief that this was actually happening, that people actually did this to me.

He chuckled. "Don't get too comfy in here," he said. "Your touring starts in a few hours."

At the time I hadn't the slightest clue what he could've meant by touring. However, after a few hours, exactly that happened. I was put inside a large glass display case, which was then put on the back of an Azeri military truck, and I was driven around war-torn Armenia, as demonstration of Azerbaijan's scientific prowess.

Men and women would gaze at me in revulsion and pity--frightened little children would point to me and yell "Dug! Dug!", which I assume was them trying to imitate the word dog, a word they must've picked up from Western television. Eventually, I was known throughout the entire Caucasus region as simply "Dug."

In May of 1994, after nearly two years of "touring" and living in Azerbaijani government facilities for further studying, the war finally came to an end, and the United Nations forced Azerbaijan to release me. I decided to use the money I amassed from my pet crematorium (which had been destroyed in a battle) to start a new life in America.

However, my prospects diminished soon after I got off the plane at Kennedy airport. Mothers with children crossed the street to avoid being near me. Business owners refused to hire me, citing that I "did not appear medically fit for the workplace." Everywhere I went, there was staring. I was quickly running out of money.

At last, in January of 1995, I was hired to teleadvertise libido enhancement pills for a budding pharmaceutical company in Manhattan. It may not have been my dream job, but it was a job nonetheless, one with a steady pay and one that allowed me to talk to others. Also, it was at this job that I met Verbatim, the love of my life and one of the only people to accept me despite my looks, and with whom I now have two beautiful children with.

Jocephalopod · January 18, 2016, 12:48:11 AM

Jocephalopod · January 18, 2016, 12:55:58 AM

Aw man that sucks. My cuisine esmeralda Santa Dominica III died in a car crash in 200 and 6 and for the past 9 years I've wrapped black electrical tape around my thighs and arms with pictures of her and her signature written within. I've been made fun of and had to eat in the bathroom during lunch time my whole life but its worth it as I honor my family with each passing day. Don't let anyone tell you you aren't worth it and keep on being the unique individual you are.

Jocephalopod · January 18, 2016, 12:56:16 AM

was sitting on my outdoor toilet with my legs starting to get really numb when I heard a loud knocking on my attenuated outhouse door. after a few solid bangs the hinges swung forward revealing a pack of latin landscapers who had been pruning my exotic and very expensive suburban garden of Eden. 3 of the beasts with torsos commensurate to the lengths of their stocky bodies held me down upon the throne, muffling my heaving screams while trouncing any attempt of escape with their big strong sweaty and secure Spanish arms.

The apparent leader of the tribe took position directly in front of me, motioning one the lesser dregs in producing a sanctified pair of hedge clippers. The alpha leaned in close, wiping his brow before solemnly whispering ¿soy pobre porque no puedo hablar Inglés?.

with one fluid motion he pruned my inferior white thighs into two bloody stumps. All i could do was stare in agony as the lack of previous blood flow neutralized a painful response. the men released my conscious half while placing the detached legs in a white shopping cart before driving off in a van marked "Santa Dominica Church of Jesus Christ Our Lady Of Mercy XXXIVii"

I haven't left the outhouse since.

Jocephalopod · January 18, 2016, 01:01:06 AM

Thank you all Armenian volunteer fighters . You guys always be brave Armenian Soldier. We will never forget our fighters. To all azeri talkers , you had the chance to fight us during the war but you were afraid because of your rabbit heart . Now that the war is over all you do is talk dirty behind the computer. It is not about the quantity it s quality . Quality is given to our soldiers . When you are brave you could push mountains .

Jocephalopod · January 18, 2016, 01:02:53 AM

Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:01:06 AM

Thank you all Armenian volunteer fighters . You guys always be brave Armenian Soldier. We will never forget our fighters. To all azeri talkers , you had the chance to fight us during the war but you were afraid because of your rabbit heart . Now that the war is over all you do is talk dirty behind the computer. It is not about the quantity it s quality . Quality is given to our soldiers . When you are brave you could push mountains .

lol hahahahahahahah boooooo 60 million Azerbaijanis without any weapons only rocks in their hands could chase you back to the turkey where you have chased out from!

Jocephalopod · January 18, 2016, 01:04:13 AM

Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:02:53 AM

Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:01:06 AM
Thank you all Armenian volunteer fighters . You guys always be brave Armenian Soldier. We will never forget our fighters. To all azeri talkers , you had the chance to fight us during the war but you were afraid because of your rabbit heart . Now that the war is over all you do is talk dirty behind the computer. It is not about the quantity it s quality . Quality is given to our soldiers . When you are brave you could push mountains .

lol hahahahahahahah boooooo 60 million Azerbaijanis without any weapons only rocks in their hands could chase you back to the turkey where you have chased out from!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH and is that waht hapen in 1918 and 1992 ?? is that why karabagh is ARTSAKH NOW ? HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH .soon you going to see Armenians from Los Agelos we love fuckin 60000000000000000000 trillion turk faters in the ass . BANG ! BANG ! MOTHER FUCKERS

Jocephalopod · January 18, 2016, 01:04:53 AM

Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:02:53 AM

Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:01:06 AM
Thank you all Armenian volunteer fighters . You guys always be brave Armenian Soldier. We will never forget our fighters. To all azeri talkers , you had the chance to fight us during the war but you were afraid because of your rabbit heart . Now that the war is over all you do is talk dirty behind the computer. It is not about the quantity it s quality . Quality is given to our soldiers . When you are brave you could push mountains .

lol hahahahahahahah boooooo 60 million Azerbaijanis without any weapons only rocks in their hands could chase you back to the turkey where you have chased out from!

Hey baby boo boo tell your mother to suck Armenian dick ! 60 million azer-GOATS-janiz OK hehehehehehehe / 3 million in Armenia and 7 million in diaspora 10 million Armenians !! hey sikimin basi do you know that 5 million Jews in Israel and 300 million Arabs in the world ..... now go learn more history and politic .... don't forget to tell your mom what I tolled you ))))))))))))

Jocephalopod · January 18, 2016, 01:05:44 AM

Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:02:53 AM

Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:01:06 AM
Thank you all Armenian volunteer fighters . You guys always be brave Armenian Soldier. We will never forget our fighters. To all azeri talkers , you had the chance to fight us during the war but you were afraid because of your rabbit heart . Now that the war is over all you do is talk dirty behind the computer. It is not about the quantity it s quality . Quality is given to our soldiers . When you are brave you could push mountains .

lol hahahahahahahah boooooo 60 million Azerbaijanis without any weapons only rocks in their hands could chase you back to the turkey where you have chased out from!

Tell me your mother is beautiful or ugly ?

Jocephalopod · January 18, 2016, 01:06:30 AM

Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:05:44 AM

Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:02:53 AM
Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:01:06 AM
Thank you all Armenian volunteer fighters . You guys always be brave Armenian Soldier. We will never forget our fighters. To all azeri talkers , you had the chance to fight us during the war but you were afraid because of your rabbit heart . Now that the war is over all you do is talk dirty behind the computer. It is not about the quantity it s quality . Quality is given to our soldiers . When you are brave you could push mountains .

lol hahahahahahahah boooooo 60 million Azerbaijanis without any weapons only rocks in their hands could chase you back to the turkey where you have chased out from!
Tell me your mother is beautiful or ugly ?

hey brooooo she is ugly as sin HAHAHAHAHAHA you know azeri melon heads lolllllllllllll fuckin yemish kafa

Jocephalopod · January 18, 2016, 01:08:44 AM

Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:04:53 AM

Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:02:53 AM
Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:01:06 AM
Thank you all Armenian volunteer fighters . You guys always be brave Armenian Soldier. We will never forget our fighters. To all azeri talkers , you had the chance to fight us during the war but you were afraid because of your rabbit heart . Now that the war is over all you do is talk dirty behind the computer. It is not about the quantity it s quality . Quality is given to our soldiers . When you are brave you could push mountains .

lol hahahahahahahah boooooo 60 million Azerbaijanis without any weapons only rocks in their hands could chase you back to the turkey where you have chased out from!
Hey baby boo boo tell your mother to suck Armenian dick ! 60 million azer-GOATS-janiz OK hehehehehehehe / 3 million in Armenia and 7 million in diaspora 10 million Armenians !! hey sikimin basi do you know that 5 million Jews in Israel and 300 million Arabs in the world ..... now go learn more history and politic .... don't forget to tell your mom what I tolled you ))))))))))))

Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:04:13 AM

Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:02:53 AM
Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:01:06 AM
Thank you all Armenian volunteer fighters . You guys always be brave Armenian Soldier. We will never forget our fighters. To all azeri talkers , you had the chance to fight us during the war but you were afraid because of your rabbit heart . Now that the war is over all you do is talk dirty behind the computer. It is not about the quantity it s quality . Quality is given to our soldiers . When you are brave you could push mountains .

lol hahahahahahahah boooooo 60 million Azerbaijanis without any weapons only rocks in their hands could chase you back to the turkey where you have chased out from!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH and is that waht hapen in 1918 and 1992 ?? is that why karabagh is ARTSAKH NOW ? HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH .soon you going to see Armenians from Los Agelos we love fuckin 60000000000000000000 trillion turk faters in the ass . BANG ! BANG ! MOTHER FUCKERS

DOG SHIT MAKE MORE SENSE YOU DO ! PAST 2600 YEARS WE TURKS HAVE BEEN CONTROLING YOU !! You have gone wild to the defenseless section of our land ! this is not first time fucking Armenians became stupid , remember you always had to pay for your stupidities with your blood ! YOUR PAY BACKS IS ON THE WAY !! WHERE ARE GOING TO RUN THIS TIME ??

Jocephalopod · January 18, 2016, 01:09:53 AM

Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:08:44 AM

Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:04:53 AM
Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:02:53 AM
Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:01:06 AM
Thank you all Armenian volunteer fighters . You guys always be brave Armenian Soldier. We will never forget our fighters. To all azeri talkers , you had the chance to fight us during the war but you were afraid because of your rabbit heart . Now that the war is over all you do is talk dirty behind the computer. It is not about the quantity it s quality . Quality is given to our soldiers . When you are brave you could push mountains .

lol hahahahahahahah boooooo 60 million Azerbaijanis without any weapons only rocks in their hands could chase you back to the turkey where you have chased out from!
Hey baby boo boo tell your mother to suck Armenian dick ! 60 million azer-GOATS-janiz OK hehehehehehehe / 3 million in Armenia and 7 million in diaspora 10 million Armenians !! hey sikimin basi do you know that 5 million Jews in Israel and 300 million Arabs in the world ..... now go learn more history and politic .... don't forget to tell your mom what I tolled you ))))))))))))

Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:04:13 AM
Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:02:53 AM
Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:01:06 AM
Thank you all Armenian volunteer fighters . You guys always be brave Armenian Soldier. We will never forget our fighters. To all azeri talkers , you had the chance to fight us during the war but you were afraid because of your rabbit heart . Now that the war is over all you do is talk dirty behind the computer. It is not about the quantity it s quality . Quality is given to our soldiers . When you are brave you could push mountains .

lol hahahahahahahah boooooo 60 million Azerbaijanis without any weapons only rocks in their hands could chase you back to the turkey where you have chased out from!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH and is that waht hapen in 1918 and 1992 ?? is that why karabagh is ARTSAKH NOW ? HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH .soon you going to see Armenians from Los Agelos we love fuckin 60000000000000000000 trillion turk faters in the ass . BANG ! BANG ! MOTHER FUCKERS

DOG SHIT MAKE MORE SENSE YOU DO ! PAST 2600 YEARS WE TURKS HAVE BEEN CONTROLING YOU !! You have gone wild to the defenseless section of our land ! this is not first time fucking Armenians became stupid , remember you always had to pay for your stupidities with your blood ! YOUR PAY BACKS IS ON THE WAY !! WHERE ARE GOING TO RUN THIS TIME ??

I love watching you burn in your stinky pseudo-Turkish Azerbabooni anus. We fucked your mothers so hard and so deep that you will never forget us and will always come around making excuses for getting fucked like you had never been fucked before. You fucking Azerbabooni bitch, you even failed to do anything against us with massive Soviet troops fighting alongside your criminal army and OMON agents. Go learn how Haydar Aliyev made a secret deal with the Soviets at the beginning of the war to remain Soviet in return for Soviet invasion of the Armenian-inhabited Karabakh to "teach' them a lesson. Well, it seems like you were the ones who learned the lesson. We fucked your mothers by liberating the ancient Armenian province of Artsakh, falsely known as Karabakh, by handing you a bitter and humiliating defeat by annihilating your fucking GAY army. We destroyed two-thirds of your army. That's why it took you twenty years to start barking again. But we will always silence you fucking dogs, that's for sure. Motherfucker, we lost 7,000 men and killed 37,000 Azerbaboonis and gave you a little present called "The Avenue of Shehids" to remember us by. Enjoy your cock-sucking faggot shehids. I piss on their graves.

Deleted · January 18, 2016, 01:10:15 AM

Hey Chaos, thanks for patching me up. I thought I was a gonner....

Say...

That's a really nice IED you sponsor sent you. It'd be a real shame if someone who's life you just saved stepped on it.

Jocephalopod · January 18, 2016, 01:11:29 AM

fuck you armenian!!!! fuck you armenian dogs.
ulan akıllı olun ermeni kahpeleri sizi.azerbaycan demek türkiye demektir.bir gece geliriz yedi ceddiniz sikeriz sizin.orospu çocukları piçler sizi.!!!!

ΚΑΤΑΝΑΛΩΤΗΣ · January 18, 2016, 01:14:25 AM

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Elegiac · January 18, 2016, 01:22:08 AM

what is this shit? our dog lost weight and I came to get it re-evaluated

Deleted · January 18, 2016, 01:28:00 AM

Quote from: Jocephalopod on January 18, 2016, 01:11:29 AM

fuck you armenian!!!! fuck you armenian dogs.
ulan akıllı olun ermeni kahpeleri sizi.azerbaycan demek türkiye demektir.bir gece geliriz yedi ceddiniz sikeriz sizin.orospu çocukları piçler sizi.!!!!

Why the fuck did you have to step on the mine, you idiot?
We could have removed Kebab together you stupid asshole