I don't really have anyone else to tell. I don't use social media. Beyond that, in spite of what some of you think of me you're the people I have always felt most comfortable with.

Being a part of the b.net and Sep7agon communities helped me figure a teeny tiny bit about myself when I didn't really know anything about who I was. When I was a child, I wasn't really allowed to be or want anything. My mother raised me like some disgusting mixture of a dress-up doll and a poorly trained dog. I wasn't allowed to choose my own clothes until I was in eighth grade. I'm sure you all know I didn't have any friends, and I'm sure I've told my story extensively over the last decade here.

My life was really hard after that. But I checked in every now and then and you probably know things have gotten a lot better. You're probably aware that I started HRT six years ago. You might not know that it was difficult for me to maintain a supply of medication early on, or that it was more important to me than things like food, or shelter. I've been able to be secure in having access to meds for the last four years.

I'm talking about all of this because, the thing I wanted to share with you, is that I just broke down in tears after realizing that for the first time in fifteen years I am not completely ashamed of myself and my body. I stopped being comfortable with being seen without a shirt on when I was eleven or twelve. The funny thing about this is I've been extremely depressed lately, and completely went insane in October. I was doing some engineering work for a company near Tulsa, and it was the first job I'd ever had that paid well enough for me to buy a house. I pretended to be someone that I wasn't because I knew that they wouldn't take the real me seriously. I had a relatively socialist worldview, which I had constructed for myself after clawing out of the repressed pits of fascist hell my brain lived in until I was 22. Suddenly I needed to fit in with the Maga crowd. I really didn't realize how much self-harm I was inflicting by trying to be that person. I knew I could be that person though, because I had been before. Holy shit what happens to you when you start drinking their Kool-aid.

So, I had gone completely insane, not the first time. Then my mother forced me to relive being abandoned by her. I had an absolute psychotic breakdown. I checked myself into the hospital but it was too late, the damage was done. I needed to start all over over again and this time I decided to go back to school. Now that I have fewer external pressures I'm free to be myself all the time. I still feel guilty for going on autistic rants about everything, while pacing and gesticulating, but I'm trying to accept that I can't repress my neurodivergent behavior without hurting myself either. It's still really embarrassing though.

So I've been really depressed and I got a little bit fat, I gained about thirty-five pounds over the course of the whole ordeal, and I've been really ashamed of that. But I just lost the first ten pounds and just yesterday I realized that my hips are wider than my shoulders. And I realized even though I've still got another twenty pounds to lose I have a narrow waistline. I tried on some of the clothes that I had put away years ago because I would be embarrassed to be seen in them when I was 30lbs lighter than I am now, and they actually looked pretty good. And tonight, it struck me that I didn't have to feel bad about myself anymore, and I don't need to pretend to be someone I'm not anymore. I'm actually more myself than I've ever been in my whole entire life and it's time to start acting like it. And I just broke down sobbing. I'm crying right now, too.

Thank you guys so much for being here, after all these years. And thank you so much for all the help you gave me. I just didn't think I could get through this moment without letting you know it means everything to me.

Don't give up. Progress one step at a time.

ty guys, for some reason the like button isn't working but I want you to imagine that I'm liking your posts lol

<3