The wind howled like a pack of wolves, its icy turbulence threatened to freeze the skin of any fool who forgot to cover themselves. It was a chill so acidic, that it threatened to crystallize nasal mucus. Dazarobbo's car had just broken down on the expressway and even though ten minutes had just passed, he could already feel the cold seeping in. He pulled out his cell phone to call Triple-A, but being an iPhone, it had been depleted. He knew that he was screwed. He looked around for the nearest building in sight, but the closest thing he could see was a billboard that displayed pro-life propaganda. It filled his chest with fury, the way the pro-lifers showed a baby smiling. They were obviously appealing to the shallow-minded people who liked children. Seeing the sign made him wish he could strangle an infant in the name of woman's rights. But, he put the pro-lifers' duplicity out of his mind. He had a bigger problem.

If he did not get help, he would undoubtedly freeze to death due to global warming. Already the moisture on the windows was crystallizing and obscuring his view. He tried opening the door and making a run for it, but the wind chewed into his thin skin and forced him back inside of the car. After swearing profusely and blaming the republicans for the weather, he tried turning his phone on again, hoping that doing the same thing over and over again would produce different results. Meanwhile, car after car zoomed on by, not bothering to help him out. Daz knew it was dangerous to stay in the car, but it was also just as dangerous to go outside into the cold. He was trapped.

His breath turned into a fog as the degrees rapidly dropped. Curling up into a ball, he wrapped himself with ignorance and tried to get as cozy as he could, hoping that doing nothing would get him out of the situation. Some time had passed, maybe an hour, maybe two, or maybe thirty minutes. There was no way to tell the passage of time because his iPhone was dead and the clock on his car didn't work. It was an analog clock, which represented old-fashioned values. It was inapplicable for the current situation, even if still functioned. The cold began to eat into his ears and toes, causing him to tremble horribly. He yearned for some company to keep him warm, he wished somebody would stop and help him, but the lights kept zooming past his window.

Suddenly, he heard somebody slow down and pull up behind him. A door opened and shut, and Daz could see a silhouette behind the glazed glass. A gloved hand wiped away the frost and a kindly old man peered in with a flashlight.

"Do you need help?" he asked, his voice muffled by the window and by the scarf that he wore around his mouth. Daz was so grateful for  the man's presence. Shivering, he nodded.

"Ok son, I'll get somebody out here to help you out. But it will take them a while to get here and if you stay here, you'll catch a cold. I'm on my way to one of my restaurants. Why don't you come with me and we'll wait for Triple A to pick up your car. I'll even give you one free meal on the house."

Daz was moved by the man's kindness, so much that he had to wipe the tears out of his eyes before they froze on his cheeks. After struggling with the door, he managed to push it open, braking the glaze that had formed. He followed the man through the wind to his car and got in. The stranger removed his hat and scarf to reveal a partially bald head.

"Whoo! It's crazy weather huh?" the man said as he started up his car and drove off. "My name's Dan. I own a chain of restaurants around here. I'll tell my workers to give you a free meal. We've been finding a lot of stragglers in this crazy weather."

"Thank you, thank you so much." Daz said.

"Oh it's no problem. We have to support each other during these difficult times. "

Dan took the next exit and turned right at the light. He described in detail the new menu item they were creating, Cajun breaded chicken, embellished with celery and herbs. Season french fries with a hint of garlic. Daz then realized how hungry he had been. He hadn't eaten since that morning, because of the republicans. They made him forget lunch. It was Bush's fault. But now his mouth watered in anticipation. Dan seemed like an amicable fellow. Smart, yet compassionate. Good humored too. He asked Daz what he was doing and Daz said he was a student and that he was getting into programming. But he became distracted from the conversation when the man pulled into a lot in front of a restaurant whose letters glared red as if they had been spelled out with blood. They said "Chick Fil A."

Daz realized with a terrible epiphany, that the man sitting next to him looked awfully familiar. He was the CEO of the homophobic, racist, brainwashing, restaurant chain, he was Dan T. Cathy. Daz then noticed the crucifix swaying under the mirror, as if taunting him with its vitriol. Instinctively, Daz began to silently pray to Richard Dawkins and Stephen Hawking, hoping that his vibes would summon the wonders of science and logic to save him. He was about to scream at Dan when the CEO opened the door and Daz was hypnotized with a delicious aroma. Delicious fried chicken tempted him and made his mouth run. His stomach gurgled hungrily, making him feel a feral craving for food. The hunger was so overpowering it almost became a spiritual experience. He needed to eat and he needed the warmth. All the other stores around were closed, but Chick fil a glowed like a siren of doom and a sentinel of hope.  Entranced by Dan's cadence, Daz felt his feet were compelled to follow, he ignored the sting of the wind and followed.

When he pushed through the doors, he was not attacked with a wave of homophobia or brainwashing, but with warmth and fidelity. The aromas seduced his senses until he almost felt like a ravenous animal. Dan asked him to take a seat and told one of the waitresses to give him whatever he wanted. The selflessness of the CEO was a horrible duplicity, it was so obvious the man's kindness was not born out of his caring, but for a need to appear good to the public eye. It was all a publicity stunt, that's why several homeless people were in here. It did not matter that Chick Fil A was the only restaurant that took them in, the fact was the chain opposed gay rights. That trumped  any act of selflessness, it was despicable. Daz wish he were back at home with his bucket of sand, so that he could dunk his head in it and keep it there.

He summoned up the willpower to reduce the temptation to submit to Dan's wiles until a menu was placed in front of him. All the delicious food items seemed to taunt him with their succulence. It was too much, he ordered a bit of everything. When the food was brought out to him, he was horrified at its deliciousness. Tears of agony and defeat streamed down his face as he mashed chicken into his mouth and downed it with sprite and self-pity. He had submitted to the evil selflessness of religion, the flavor of the food spread through his mouth and warmed his system like a poison that could only be described as love.  Dan mistook his distress as gratefulness, but what he said next blew Daz's mind. He didn't want anything back from Daz, he didn't ask Daz to spread the word, instead Dan asked him to do the same for somebody else whenever he had a chance.

Daz's paradigms came crashing down before him, images and  preconceptions were shattered. It did not make any sense, why would the CEO of Chick Fil A ask him not to tell anybody of his publicity stunt? Why would he ask him to help somebody in need? It almost seemed like.....Daz had misjudged the man. No. That could not possibly be true, all Christians were evil and oppressive, they did not care about others, but themselves. They only wished to help people when doing so served them. And yet Dan T. Cathy rejected that paradigm. Daz was forced to accept that there was something wrong with him. It could only be one thing......he was hallucinating. George Bush and the republicans have injected him with a drug that causes dementia. He had to do something and quick, before he began to sympathize with unborn babies.

lmfao

bump

giant paragraphs hurt my eyeballs

7.5/10
Muh MecDonoulds

I don't get it

green text please.

Bump

bump

I still don't get it