critique my story please (edited 6/13)

 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
do these characters sound different to you?

Spoiler
Last Edit: July 13, 2017, 10:04:22 AM by SecondClass


 
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things that aren't in block style format are frustrating to read on this site


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
things that aren't in block style format are frustrating to read on this site
https://pastebin.com/qdG4AzPv


 
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yes they sound different

though that's the sort of question you want to ask after the fact


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
yes they sound different

though that's the sort of question you want to ask after the fact
what do you mean? after what?

thanks for reading the piece btw


 
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yes they sound different

though that's the sort of question you want to ask after the fact
what do you mean? after what?

thanks for reading the piece btw
in my opinion, it's better to ask questions later, after your subject has already read your piece

that way, it's a completely natural read, and i'm not specifically looking for things

it's just to minimize bias—like, if i'm concerned that i have a character who swears too often, i'm not gonna ask you "does this character swear too often?" because then you're gonna be homing in on that specific thing, rather than allowing the rest of the piece a chance to perhaps justify the level of profanity (or not)

it wasn't a huge problem here, because i think you distinctified the characters' personalities well enough to where i don't feel like i'm being biased by saying yeah, they sound like two different people

that being said, your grammar needs a bit of work, too, but i'm sure you're already aware of that
Last Edit: July 09, 2017, 10:39:52 PM by Verbatim


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
yes they sound different

though that's the sort of question you want to ask after the fact
what do you mean? after what?

thanks for reading the piece btw
in my opinion, it's better to ask questions later, after your subject has already read your piece

that way, it's a completely natural read, and i'm not specifically looking for things

it's just to minimize bias—like, if i'm concerned that i have a character who swears too often, i'm not gonna ask you "does this character swear too often?" because then you're gonna be homing in on that specific thing, rather than allowing the rest of the piece a chance to perhaps justify the level of profanity (or not)

it wasn't a huge problem here, because i think you distinctified the characters' personalities well enough to where i don't feel like i'm being biased by saying yeah, they sound like two different people

that being said, your grammar needs a bit of work, too, but i'm sure you're already aware of that
Ah, that makes sense

and where does my grammar need work? I know I'm no wordsmith, but I tried to proofread out any errors. also, any other notes before I continue on? I guess the first page is pretty expository, but I tried to make it natural


 
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Spoiler
i converted this to block style format just to make it easier for me

you can take my suggestions or leave them, but i tried my best to help out with the more technical aspects of the story, while still maintaining the style (which is the challenging part for me) and of course the content is entirely unchanged

underlined words are my own added in as suggestions; instead of deleting words, i struck them out so you can see what i changed

i got a little lazy towards the end

[1] comma splice
[2] you could omit these two words and have it flow better, i think
[3] awkward sentence—is the word "when" missing here, between "Francis Square" and "saw"? if so, you don't need the comma
[4] to eke out a more uncertain atmosphere, i recommend using the less-committal "appeared to be" over "was"
[5] i recommend using em dashes (—) rather than hyphens—microsoft word makes them automatically if you type two hyphens, or you can use alt+0151
[6] some personal embellishments:
- Old: That old maniac was scared out of his mind. The trip up there was easy enough.
- Suggestion: That old maniac was scared out of his mind, but at least the trip up there was easy enough.
- Suggestion: That old maniac was scared out of his mind. At least the trip up there was easy enough.
[7] extra space after the period—it's actually not grammatically incorrect to place two spaces after a period, but you have to be consistent about it
[8] you could say "nobody" instead of "no one" here, if you want to establish a more informal narrative voice
[9] i'm not a fan of using the same adjective twice in one sentence if you can avoid it
- Old: No one lingered out of their homes this late, and it was still far too early for any early risers.
- Suggestion: Nobody lingered out of their homes this late, and it was still far too soon for any early risers.
- Suggestion: Nobody lingered out of their homes this late, and it was still far too early for anyone else to be up.
[10] i think you should establish that Schuyler isn't alone and has a partner a little bit earlier—she kinda comes out of nowhere
[11] i personally like "towards" better than just "toward," but it doesn't really matter
[12] this is a good metaphor, but "begged for me to look away" is more grammatical
[13] what did you mean by this? did you mean haunted? that would make more sense in the context of having a "hypothesis"
[14] comma after "fear," omit the second "there"
[15] comma splice
- Old: I couldn't say I blamed her, I figured the dark isn't for everybody.
- Suggestion: I couldn't say I blamed her, though. I figure the dark isn't for everybody.
- Suggestion: I couldn't say I blamed her. The dark's not for everybody, I suppose.
[16] the proper way to do ellipses is to put a space between each period, but i don't think an ellipsis is all that necessary here in the first place
[17] you forgot to close this quotation
[18] "she" is not capitalized here—if you're gonna add "he said" or "she said" to a piece of dialogue, never capitalize it, even if the dialogue ends in a question mark or exclamation point (basically treat it as though it were a comma)
[19] NEVER use apostrophes for quotation marks, unless you want to put a quote within a quote
[20] to avoid using "unbelievable" twice, i rephrased this
[21] weirdly, you begun this with an apostrophe, but closed it with a quotation mark
[22] "she lied" implies omniscience on Schuyler's part; my edit makes it more of a personal interpretation, which may be better
[23] definitely use an em dash here instead of an ellipsis—an ellipsis leaves too long of a pause for an interruption, but a dash implies that she's actually getting interjected or cut off mid-sentence
[24] i think "can't comprehend" sounds a bit clunky, but "cannot comprehend" has a nice little cadence to it that rolls of the tongue
[25] "illicit" means illegal or unlawful; as in, an illicit substance—the word you meant to use was "elicit"
[26] you mixed up the words here—"we can't it give any" should be "we can't give it any"
[27] you could rephrase this:
Old: "Why can we only break the vessel, though?"
Suggestion: "Why is it that only we can break the vessel, though?"
this makes it so that the "we" is emphasized without actually needing to italicize the word
[28] maybe write it like this instead: Here we go, I thought to myself.
[29] a comma should go after "added"
[30] a comma should go here as well
[31] you already used the word "that" in this sentence, so omit the "it"
[32] turn this comma into a colon
[33] comma after "amnestics"
[34] "propaganda-infested" is a compound adjective, so there should be a hyphen there
[35] comma splice
[36] book titles should be italicized
[37] we can see for ourselves that she twisted the metaphor; it doesn't need to be pointed out again
[38] woah there's a random square here for some reason
[39] it's probably not necessary to specify "local" in this context
[40] instead of "a degenerate kid," say "some degenerate kid"—it sounds a lot more biting and dismissive

that's all i got
Last Edit: July 10, 2017, 01:16:10 PM by Verbatim


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His eyebrows sparkling, his white beard hangs down to his chest. The thatched mats, spread outside his chise, spread softly, his splendid attos. He polishes, cross-legged, his makiri, with his eyes completely absorbed.

He is Ainu.

The god of Ainu Mosir, Ae-Oine Kamuy, descendant of Okiku-Rumi, He perishes, a living corpse. The summers day, the white sunlight, unabrushed, ends simply through his breath alone.
Yeah, they sound fine. I still haven't figured out how to write dialogue; something about the syntax throws me for a loop and everything just sounds robotic and awkward.


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
Spoiler
Thank you so much! Very detailed and helpful. I've made tons of corrections, but with some I had some justifications/questions.

[6] "How couldn't it have been" and "that old maniac was scared out of his mind" are connected ideas. I was trying to say "how couldn't it have been" because he was so shaken up. As in, no one who's that freaked out is going to give Schuyler faulty info. Is there a better way to word that?

[8] The narrative voice is supposed to be as formal as Schuyler's manner of speaking, is that a bad thing? I don't want it to be awkward to read, but I do want it to be consistent with who's telling the story.

[22] I used the omniscient wording purposely, because I wanted to imply that Schuyler is so certain of his ability to read people that he's narrating from that almost omniscient point of view. I can see how that would be awkward, though.

[23] That would make sense if he was interrupting her, but he wasn't. That would be a bit out of character, he wants her to be coming to her own conclusions, but still helping her when necessary. She was trailing off, and there was supposed to be a long pause there, as if she couldn't think of the word.

[37] I added the "twisting my metaphor" as a way to show that Schuyler is almost proud of his overly-loquacious manner of speaking. As if he was mad that she twisted it. I try to communicate a lot of his feelings about things through the actual narration itself, because I hate explainy character exposition and would rather show it. Would an adjective in front of "twisted" be better, or still too much? Like "she said, shamelessly twisting my metaphor"?

But anyway, thanks again. It really helps. I totally forgot about comma splices, I need to watch out for those don't worry - the irony is intended
Last Edit: July 11, 2017, 10:02:08 PM by SecondClass


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
Also, my big problem is with content: I don't want too much exposition, but I don't want to leave readers confused as to who these people are and what they do. Were you confused at any point in the story? Did you want to know more about the agency and the aberrations it deals with?


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
also you guys should write stories too

it's fun and lively

we should do writing prompt contests


 
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writing has got to be the most difficult artistic medium to master


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
writing has got to be the most difficult artistic medium to master
I like it because of the accessibility. I have these ideas and character interactions I want to express, but I don't have actors or money. I would rather make a tv show or a film so much more, because it's astronomically easier to show and not have to tell in that medium.
Last Edit: July 12, 2017, 12:20:49 AM by SecondClass


 
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writing has got to be the most difficult artistic medium to master
I like it because of the accessibility. I have these ideas and character interactions I want to express, but I don't have actors or money. I would rather make a tv show or a film so much more, because it's astronomically easier to show and not have to tell in that medium.

yeah, and all these things just add to the difficulty of the medium.


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
Exactly, which is why I wish I had a million dollars so I could just make a badass tv show

writing is more open in a way, but still so restrained


 
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Thank you so much! Very detailed and helpful. I've made tons of corrections, but with some I had some justifications/questions.

[6] "How couldn't it have been" and "that old maniac was scared out of his mind" are connected ideas. I was trying to say "how couldn't it have been" because he was so shaken up. As in, no one who's that freaked out is going to give Schuyler faulty info. Is there a better way to word that?

[8] The narrative voice is supposed to be as formal as Schuyler's manner of speaking, is that a bad thing? I don't want it to be awkward to read, but I do want it to be consistent with who's telling the story.

[22] I used the omniscient wording purposely, because I wanted to imply that Schuyler is so certain of his ability to read people that he's narrating from that almost omniscient point of view. I can see how that would be awkward, though.

[23] That would make sense if he was interrupting her, but he wasn't. That would be a bit out of character, he wants her to be coming to her own conclusions, but still helping her when necessary. She was trailing off, and there was supposed to be a long pause there, as if she couldn't think of the word.

[37] I added the "twisting my metaphor" as a way to show that Schuyler is almost proud of his overly-loquacious manner of speaking. As if he was mad that she twisted it. I try to communicate a lot of his feelings about things through the actual narration itself, because I hate explainy character exposition and would rather show it. Would an adjective in front of "twisted" be better, or still too much? Like "she said, shamelessly twisting my metaphor"?

But anyway, thanks again. It really helps. I totally forgot about comma splices, I need to watch out for those don't worry - the irony is intended
re: [6]
upon reinspection, you're right, i guess it's fine the way it is

re: [8]
i see, that's fair enough—that's not a problem at all; schuyler can be formal, just remember to keep him human

re: [22]
i see where you're coming from, but i'd still be wary—a character who thinks of himself as omniscient is different from someone who is omniscient, and it generally reads better as a story if that personality flaw is illustrated with a hint of arrogance, hence my suggestion—it's not a huge thing either way, just something to think about

re: [23]
fair enough

re: [37]
yeah that could work

Also, my big problem is with content: I don't want too much exposition, but I don't want to leave readers confused as to who these people are and what they do. Were you confused at any point in the story? Did you want to know more about the agency and the aberrations it deals with?
to the second question, yeah absolutely

to the first question, a little bit confusing at first, but it got better as i read on

i thought the first paragraph was the messiest, which is why i edited that the most

overall though, it seems that you've improved it a lot

you changed the first sentence to:
We were at Francis Square, and I saw that place a hundred yards away from the edge of the street.

which is much better, but might i suggest the following:
We were at Francis Square when I spotted our rendezvous point a hundred yards away from the edge of the street.

or:
I spotted our rendezvous point at Francis Square, about a hundred yards away from the edge of the street.

the word "when" helps the sentence flow more smoothly, and is the more important change
the word "rendezvous" is cool and it helps create an atmosphere of enigma/mystery imo

as an opening line, it feels like there's something missing, though—you obviously cut out the bit where schuyler complains about having only been given a few minutes notice for the operation, which is a detail i think you should sneak in somewhere else—but as for a more gripping opening, i don't know, you could try opening with a short line of dialogue, like, "Is that the place?" or something along those lines

it's ultimately up to you how you want to open the story, but just try to make it stick in your readers' head

here's the last sentence of the first paragraph:
When we got to the edge of this purported residence, Larcel stopped and looked toward me.

try "my partner Larcel" or something to that effect

this makes it clear right away that she's not a friend, relative, escortee, etc. which is something i think you want to do

one more thing, let's go over the second and third paragraphs a bit:
Quote
"Do you want to lead?" She was still mad, but she didn't want to show it.

"Sure." I reluctantly stepped forward and continued toward the house. It was certainly the kind of place that would provoke myths about it - black curtains fluttered in the wind, and the bleak walls begged for me to look away. It only served to solidify my hypothesis that this place was darkened. We cautiously made our way up the steps, onto the house's shambling porch.

after schuyler's "sure," you could write the following
I was a bit flustered, too. We had only been given five minutes notice for this case. Nonetheless, I reluctantly...

i just think that detail is worth keeping in there, especially to give the reader a sense for both of the characters' moods, which can impact the feel of the story pretty significantly should you execute it well

i'll read the rest of what you wrote later


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
Awesome, I added some and tried to fix the beginning. You're the best tbh


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Yeah, they sound fine. I still haven't figured out how to write dialogue; something about the syntax throws me for a loop and everything just sounds robotic and awkward.

I like to add imperfections and verbal habits to characters' speech to make them sound more natural. For instance, struggling to find the right words, or needlessly reiterating statements. These things are common in real conversations, so that's what I try to emulate to keep it from reading like a script sheet.

That's just what I do though.


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
bump


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
does Larcel have enough agency in the story

I'm worried it's too schuyler focused


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Dude swears too much in too short a time.

Avery is a shit character, not believable at all as an agent in a super top secret organization.

And what the fuck is up with the galaxy tidbit? Feels out of place.




Also, world agency of protection? You can do better than that.


 
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
—Judge Aaron Satie
——Carmen
Dude swears too much in too short a time.

Avery is a shit character, not believable at all as an agent in a super top secret organization.

And what the fuck is up with the galaxy tidbit? Feels out of place.




Also, world agency of protection? You can do better than that.
How so lol? The only time he swears is during the airplane part, which makes sense because he's scared out of his mind.

um lol what? She shows competence in mainly times throughout the story. Elaborate?

I could just speak about the phone generically without the brand, but that wouldn't fit with Schuyler's report-style matter of fact speaking