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can you rate my short story?
can you rate my short story?
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
βJudge Aaron Satie
ββCarmen
Barry looked out the cold soulless glass of the flower shop window. Raining again. Water falling out of the sky like tears from an orphaned civilization.
"The ten million sheep keep grazing," Barry murmured to himself. "The slime and filth of New York all runs downhill." Benson & Associates didn't take off like Barry dreamed it would. The only clients he got were scumbag addicts who couldn't find their antenna if it was hanging in front of them.
The flower shop door opened, and a mosquito flew in. "Fucking bloodsuckers," Barry grumbled, lighting a cigarette. The flame burned like the embers of a forgotten time. Barry could hardly remember the last time he was happy; working for Honex and spending time with Adam and Vanessa. Adam was now the CEO of Honesco and fired half the bees to save money, and Vanessa hadn't been the same since she started drinking.
"Mr Benson, hello?" The mosquito buzzed around Barry. "Oh god, I need your help. PLEASE!"
Barry took another drag from his cigarette and rolled his eyes. "What is it, asshole?" He couldn't stand insect filth who wasted his time.
Time. Like the gears of a machine, turning in place, never reaching a conclusion. Barry's time never ended. He had prayed for death before, but no one answered. He used to believe in God, but now God was like a moat flowing through a windmill.
The mosquito put its face in its hands. "Oh god...the kids...Elaine...they're all dead."
"Let me guess, you got drunk and flew into a rage." The rain kept coming.
"What? God no, Barry. It was...it was a car accident. The SUV pulled out in front of me, I had no time to react!"
Barry scoffed. "Yeah right, punk. Let me guess, you were on the pipe again?"
"No Barry, I'm off that stuff! You've gotta believe m-"
Suddenly a giant bare foot came down in front of Barry, crushing the mosquito. Barry looked up and saw Vanessa smirk at him, sangria in her hand. Then she silently walked away.
"What a bitch," Barry thought.
The rest of the day dragged on. Barry smoked cigarette after cigarette. He would've tried to steal some of Vanessa's liquor, but he knew the consequences if he was caught. He looked out the window again. The city was slowing down, falling asleep. Robots following their programming. Spurred on only by the promise of a divine reward.
"Cowards," Barry thought. He took another puff and coughed. The smoke had completely filled his tiny bee body. He doubled over in pain and fell to the hardwood floor. The floor was as cold as a drinking a glass of water after you chew a piece of mint gum. Except way colder than that.
Barry felt enormous pain as he started to succumb to tobacco poisoning. He saw Vanessa stumble into the room and make eye contact with him. She was holding a bottle of vodka now.
"Vanessa...kill me." Barry pleaded.
Vanessa just laughed at his plight and left the shop.
"Wh...what a bitch..."
Barry couldn't take the pain anymore. He had to end it. He crawled over to the couch and took a deep breath before plunging his stinger into the fabric. The pounding rain coming from the sky started to subside into a light drizzle. As the stinger left his body, Barry sighed in relief. It would all bee over soon.
Spoiler
do I have a future in authorship? do you see it happening
August 10, 2018, 05:21:33 PM
Desty
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rate my story
Barry looked out the cold soulless glass of the flower shop window. Raining again. Water falling out of the sky like tears from an orphaned civilization.
"The ten million sheep keep grazing," Barry murmured to himself. "The slime and filth of New York all runs downhill." Benson & Associates didn't take off like Barry dreamed it would. The only clients he got were scumbag addicts who couldn't find their antenna if it was hanging in front of them.
The flower shop door opened, and a mosquito flew in. "Fucking bloodsuckers," Barry grumbled, lighting a cigarette. The flame burned like the embers of a forgotten time. Barry could hardly remember the last time he was happy; working for Honex and spending time with Adam and Vanessa. Adam was now the CEO of Honesco and fired half the bees to save money, and Vanessa hadn't been the same since she started drinking.
"Mr Benson, hello?" The mosquito buzzed around Barry. "Oh god, I need your help. PLEASE!"
Barry took another drag from his cigarette and rolled his eyes. "What is it, asshole?" He couldn't stand insect filth who wasted his time.
Time. Like the gears of a machine, turning in place, never reaching a conclusion. Barry's time never ended. He had prayed for death before, but no one answered. He used to believe in God, but now God was like a moat flowing through a windmill.
The mosquito put its face in its hands. "Oh god...the kids...Elaine...they're all dead."
"Let me guess, you got drunk and flew into a rage." The rain kept coming.
"What? God no, Barry. It was...it was a car accident. The SUV pulled out in front of me, I had no time to react!"
Barry scoffed. "Yeah right, punk. Let me guess, you were on the pipe again?"
"No Barry, I'm off that stuff! You've gotta believe m-"
Suddenly a giant bare foot came down in front of Barry, crushing the mosquito. Barry looked up and saw Vanessa smirk at him, sangria in her hand. Then she silently walked away.
"What a bitch," Barry thought.
The rest of the day dragged on. Barry smoked cigarette after cigarette. He would've tried to steal some of Vanessa's liquor, but he knew the consequences if he was caught. He looked out the window again. The city was slowing down, falling asleep. Robots following their programming. Spurred on only by the promise of a divine reward.
"Cowards," Barry thought. He took another puff and coughed. The smoke had completely filled his tiny bee body. He doubled over in pain and fell to the hardwood floor. The floor was as cold as a drinking a glass of water after you chew a piece of mint gum. Except way colder than that.
Barry felt enormous pain as he started to succumb to tobacco poisoning. He saw Vanessa stumble into the room and make eye contact with him. She was holding a bottle of vodka now.
"Vanessa...kill me." Barry pleaded.
Vanessa just laughed at his plight and left the shop.
"Wh...what a bitch..."
Barry couldn't take the pain anymore. He had to end it. He crawled over to the couch and took a deep breath before plunging his stinger into the fabric. The pounding rain coming from the sky started to subside into a light drizzle. As the stinger left his body, Barry sighed in relief. It would all bee over soon.
August 10, 2018, 05:25:04 PM
Desty
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Spoiler
Barry looked out the cold soulless glass of the flower shop window. Raining again. Water falling out of the sky like tears from an orphaned civilization.
"The ten million sheep keep grazing," Barry murmured to himself. "The slime and filth of New York all runs downhill." Benson & Associates didn't take off like Barry dreamed it would. The only clients he got were scumbag addicts who couldn't find their antenna if it was hanging in front of them.
The flower shop door opened, and a mosquito flew in. "Fucking bloodsuckers," Barry grumbled, lighting a cigarette. The flame burned like the embers of a forgotten time. Barry could hardly remember the last time he was happy; working for Honex and spending time with Adam and Vanessa. Adam was now the CEO of Honesco and fired half the bees to save money, and Vanessa hadn't been the same since she started drinking.
"Mr Benson, hello?" The mosquito buzzed around Barry. "Oh god, I need your help. PLEASE!"
Barry took another drag from his cigarette and rolled his eyes. "What is it, asshole?" He couldn't stand insect filth who wasted his time.
Time. Like the gears of a machine, turning in place, never reaching a conclusion. Barry's time never ended. He had prayed for death before, but no one answered. He used to believe in God, but now God was like a moat flowing through a windmill.
The mosquito put its face in its hands. "Oh god...the kids...Elaine...they're all dead."
"Let me guess, you got drunk and flew into a rage." The rain kept coming.
"What? God no, Barry. It was...it was a car accident. The SUV pulled out in front of me, I had no time to react!"
Barry scoffed. "Yeah right, punk. Let me guess, you were on the pipe again?"
"No Barry, I'm off that stuff! You've gotta believe m-"
Suddenly a giant bare foot came down in front of Barry, crushing the mosquito. Barry looked up and saw Vanessa smirk at him, sangria in her hand. Then she silently walked away.
"What a bitch," Barry thought.
The rest of the day dragged on. Barry smoked cigarette after cigarette. He would've tried to steal some of Vanessa's liquor, but he knew the consequences if he was caught. He looked out the window again. The city was slowing down, falling asleep. Robots following their programming. Spurred on only by the promise of a divine reward.
"Cowards," Barry thought. He took another puff and coughed. The smoke had completely filled his tiny bee body. He doubled over in pain and fell to the hardwood floor. The floor was as cold as a drinking a glass of water after you chew a piece of mint gum. Except way colder than that.
Barry felt enormous pain as he started to succumb to tobacco poisoning. He saw Vanessa stumble into the room and make eye contact with him. She was holding a bottle of vodka now.
"Vanessa...kill me." Barry pleaded.
Vanessa just laughed at his plight and left the shop.
"Wh...what a bitch..."
Barry couldn't take the pain anymore. He had to end it. He crawled over to the couch and took a deep breath before plunging his stinger into the fabric. The pounding rain coming from the sky started to subside into a light drizzle. As the stinger left his body, Barry sighed in relief. It would all bee over soon.
August 10, 2018, 05:25:32 PM
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
βJudge Aaron Satie
ββCarmen
so you think its good desty ??
August 11, 2018, 12:12:54 AM
Coomer
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Barry looked out the cold soulless glass of the flower shop window. Raining again. Water falling out of the sky like tears from an orphaned civilization.
"The ten million sheep keep grazing," Barry murmured to himself. "The slime and filth of New York all runs downhill." Benson & Associates didn't take off like Barry dreamed it would. The only clients he got were scumbag addicts who couldn't find their antenna if it was hanging in front of them.
The flower shop door opened, and a mosquito flew in. "Fucking bloodsuckers," Barry grumbled, lighting a cigarette. The flame burned like the embers of a forgotten time. Barry could hardly remember the last time he was happy; working for Honex and spending time with Adam and Vanessa. Adam was now the CEO of Honesco and fired half the bees to save money, and Vanessa hadn't been the same since she started drinking.
"Mr Benson, hello?" The mosquito buzzed around Barry. "Oh god, I need your help. PLEASE!"
Barry took another drag from his cigarette and rolled his eyes. "What is it, asshole?" He couldn't stand insect filth who wasted his time.
Time. Like the gears of a machine, turning in place, never reaching a conclusion. Barry's time never ended. He had prayed for death before, but no one answered. He used to believe in God, but now God was like a moat flowing through a windmill.
The mosquito put its face in its hands. "Oh god...the kids...Elaine...they're all dead."
"Let me guess, you got drunk and flew into a rage." The rain kept coming.
"What? God no, Barry. It was...it was a car accident. The SUV pulled out in front of me, I had no time to react!"
Barry scoffed. "Yeah right, punk. Let me guess, you were on the pipe again?"
"No Barry, I'm off that stuff! You've gotta believe m-"
Suddenly a giant bare foot came down in front of Barry, crushing the mosquito. Barry looked up and saw Vanessa smirk at him, sangria in her hand. Then she silently walked away.
"What a bitch," Barry thought.
The rest of the day dragged on. Barry smoked cigarette after cigarette. He would've tried to steal some of Vanessa's liquor, but he knew the consequences if he was caught. He looked out the window again. The city was slowing down, falling asleep. Robots following their programming. Spurred on only by the promise of a divine reward.
"Cowards," Barry thought. He took another puff and coughed. The smoke had completely filled his tiny bee body. He doubled over in pain and fell to the hardwood floor. The floor was as cold as a drinking a glass of water after you chew a piece of mint gum. Except way colder than that.
Barry felt enormous pain as he started to succumb to tobacco poisoning. He saw Vanessa stumble into the room and make eye contact with him. She was holding a bottle of vodka now.
"Vanessa...kill me." Barry pleaded.
Vanessa just laughed at his plight and left the shop.
"Wh...what a bitch..."
Barry couldn't take the pain anymore. He had to end it. He crawled over to the couch and took a deep breath before plunging his stinger into the fabric. The pounding rain coming from the sky started to subside into a light drizzle. As the stinger left his body, Barry sighed in relief. It would all bee over soon.
August 11, 2018, 01:15:46 AM
Coomer
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rate my short story
August 11, 2018, 01:16:18 AM
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"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
βJudge Aaron Satie
ββCarmen
Quote from: Rescue on August 11, 2018, 01:16:18 AM
rate my short story
Ingloriouswho98 delivers once again with a contemporary classic on par with F. Scott Fitzgerald for pure sensory description. A brief, morose tale, 'Death of a Florist' is an ambitious follow-up to the legendary Dreamworks film 'Bee Movie'. It's a dark, tragic tale, contrasting magnificently with the light tone of its animated predecessor. In only 567 words, Ingloriouswho demonstrates an astronomical control of the English language, using vivid techniques to truly bring to life the crushing weight of Barry B. Benson's dreary life. The tonal shift from the film is terrific success, capturing the true pointlessness of existence itself.
Ingloriouswho has created no less than a masterpiece, and surely their work will be remembered for generations to come as the pinnacle of literary accomplishment.
August 11, 2018, 01:33:06 AM
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Thanks babe
August 11, 2018, 06:39:26 AM
FatherlyNick - fuck putin
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If you know, you know.
"ur mum gay"
~ Shek Sper
August 11, 2018, 08:25:39 AM
Batch
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Motherfuckers always speaking in italics
August 11, 2018, 08:43:37 AM
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can you rate my short story?