At least read this short intro to chaper 3 (updated again)

XBL:
PSN: ModernLocust
Steam:
ID: SecondClass
IP: Logged

30,032 posts
"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
β€”Judge Aaron Satie
β€”β€”Carmen
Spoiler
spoiler for if you dont want my questions first
Last Edit: July 16, 2017, 01:53:09 AM by SecondClass


XBL:
PSN: ModernLocust
Steam:
ID: SecondClass
IP: Logged

30,032 posts
"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
β€”Judge Aaron Satie
β€”β€”Carmen
wow open your mind guys


XBL:
PSN: ModernLocust
Steam:
ID: SecondClass
IP: Logged

30,032 posts
"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
β€”Judge Aaron Satie
β€”β€”Carmen
bump

also I'm tripping now yay


 
Elai
| Gay Tupac
 
more |
XBL:
PSN:
Steam:
ID: Prehistoric
IP: Logged

18,968 posts
male, he/him

dracula can eat my whole ass!
I didn't read the whole thing, and I'm definitely no literature connisseur, but I feel like you over-describe things a bit. "A sun full of promise." Also, some things are just awkward, like "The last of the nightly families of the forest". Keep it short and sweet. Save your imagery for the important stuff. Don't try so hard to tell the story, let it come naturally.

That's all I got.


XBL:
PSN: ModernLocust
Steam:
ID: SecondClass
IP: Logged

30,032 posts
"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
β€”Judge Aaron Satie
β€”β€”Carmen
haha yeah the first paragraph is very wordy

also, the ecosystem of the forest is important for the tone I'm trying to set
Last Edit: July 15, 2017, 10:14:45 PM by SecondClass


XBL:
PSN: ModernLocust
Steam:
ID: SecondClass
IP: Logged

30,032 posts
"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
β€”Judge Aaron Satie
β€”β€”Carmen
I didn't read the whole thing, and I'm definitely no literature connisseur, but I feel like you over-describe things a bit. "A sun full of promise." Also, some things are just awkward, like "The last of the nightly families of the forest". Keep it short and sweet. Save your imagery for the important stuff. Don't try so hard to tell the story, let it come naturally.

That's all I got.
also I thought a sun full of promise was a pretty solid line. I'm trying to say ENGLAND, 1391 without actually saying it. "Full of promise" implies in a joyful tone that there are events that are bound to happen in time.


 
Elai
| Gay Tupac
 
more |
XBL:
PSN:
Steam:
ID: Prehistoric
IP: Logged

18,968 posts
male, he/him

dracula can eat my whole ass!
I didn't read the whole thing, and I'm definitely no literature connisseur, but I feel like you over-describe things a bit. "A sun full of promise." Also, some things are just awkward, like "The last of the nightly families of the forest". Keep it short and sweet. Save your imagery for the important stuff. Don't try so hard to tell the story, let it come naturally.

That's all I got.
also I thought a sun full of promise was a pretty solid line. I'm trying to say ENGLAND, 1391 without actually saying it. "Full of promise" implies in a joyful tone that there are events that are bound to happen in time.

i can appreciate that sentiment, i just think there's a better way to establish that.


XBL:
PSN: ModernLocust
Steam:
ID: SecondClass
IP: Logged

30,032 posts
"With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably."
β€”Judge Aaron Satie
β€”β€”Carmen
updated she kills her