Admittedly, I don't really want to bring this up or to any attention. But I've been giving it some thought for a while now.  It's complicated to explain.

I'm in a spot of trouble, mainly because I'm on my last legs. Late last year I had some blood work done on me and it took some time for all the results to come back. But they caught me in the late early stages of leukemia. It's acute myeloid something. That means it's in my bones and my blood, and it spreads rapidly.

Since then, I was put onto drugs to fight it, obviously. But I got some news some time back, around late february. Stuff I'm on isn't cutting it. I'm starting to show signs of having problems with a few of my internal organs. More bad cell growth is showing up there.

Trust me when I say that I've had it checked and rechecked again. My body, being the partial wreck that it is, can't handle the heavy stuff I'd need to pull through. It's too toxic and damaging to me and it'd only kill me faster.

At the rate the disease itself is spreading and affecting me, I've got 3-4 months, tops. With lighter rounds of chemo, Their best estimate for prolonging this is about 6-7 months. 8-9 if I'm lucky. I was already given a choice. I could choose to have care given to me to make me comfortable for the remaining few months, or I could take the option of prolonging it.

I've been doing the official rounds of heavier drugs for a couple weeks now, and I've already gone through a couple blood transfusions to help freshen me up a bit. But it's only a matter of time. Before you say it, yes, I know. Some people still have a chance. Some folks can beat the odds. That's why I chose to prolong it.

But, let me tell you. I'm tired. So damn tired. Tomorrow I'll be headed into the clinic to get my usual fun shots and get knocked out for a day or two. This isn't a pity thread, either. I've had my time to process it all and deal with it. But even still, sometimes it's heavy to think about.

It's always on my head since I feel like garbage at all times. I'm not real big on dragging family into discussing how I'm doing or feeling. But I feel uncomfortable keeping it bottled up. I'd prefer to just do me on the forums while I'm here without feeling tied up.

Thanks for reading.

Shit. That really sucks.

As usual, spam me with invites on XBL if you wanna talk sometime.

I might. But I've been so tired lately I can't even manage that very well. So far I've spent a lot of my time just sleeping everything off. My times are fucked now since I sleep so much so I dunno when I can catch ya.

Thats fucking terrible bro.

Anyway, back when I got the news I was curious about why I might have contracted it. At which point it's believed that my previous rounds of chemo had something to do with it. I was given the talks and the warning, back then, that although chemo was something to fight off cancer, it came with risks.

Sure as shit, people who've had chemo can relapse into other forms of cancer because of the chemo itself. It targets active cells indiscriminantly. Get enough mangled healthy cells and all you need is one to produce that error copy of itself to start the process.

So that answers my questions of why, at least.

You're the unluckiest person I've ever met.

But man I really want you to pull through, so, please be careful.

man you better beat this shit like you beat that shit back in 2014

When the docs generally agree and use the term terminal, well, you've gotta be pretty lucky to beat their expectations. But, that's why I chose to prolong things. If there's a chance, well, hey, why not? At least in the meantime I get to spend a little while longer up and about, even if I feel like crap.

well shit... i hope the best for you, youve been a good guy from what ive seen from you online and such. id like to talk to you when i get the time on xbl, man.

If you want, matey. Although I don't talk so much, let alone even show up often to talk in the first place.

Damn,

Shit man, just the hang in there the best you can. :/

I'm very sorry to hear that

Is there anywhere we can send you or your family letters?

I'm okay matey. You don't gotta do that. If I wanna talk to anybody or they wanna do the same I'm right here.

I'll admit this brought a tear to my eye. There is no justice in the world.

I think it'll be incredibly difficult to ever truly forget the semi-buddhist novelist, whose ideas I never had much respect for. But, you're truly a decent person, which is more than I can say for most. If nothing else, you'll live on in our memories.

Godspeed, Sandtrap. I wish you all the best.

Well, I don't intend on going anywhere. I have an end goal to reach.

My best general estimate is six months. I've already gone through february and most of march. That's two months gone already. That means if I hold to the standard given to me, I'll go in July.

But I refuse to die until I've seen the US elections in November so that I can both laugh my way to hell and go peacefully knowing I won't potentially have to exist in a world where emperor Trump is president if he gets in.

November. I can make it that far. This ain't an election year to miss.

All of them or some of them?

Just some of them.

Much like me, you're rather cynical. I can't really disagree with you on that front.

Have you thought of trying any alternatives in addition to your treatments?  Are you open to them?