Posting this in serious, because it's not light hearted. And I don't know what to do. I've got four walls folks. Four walls that I can't break down because they're out of my hands. At this point, this is all I have. All I can do is talk about them as I stare at them day in, day out.

1. Potential Death
Everybody has the potential every day to die. That's not new. But what is new, is the lump of cancer in my noggin. A dormant tumor that will one day start growing. It'll put more pressure on my head than it currently does now, until the strain breaks the important bits in my head and I hemmorage to death. It'll be painful.

Most of all, this can't be avoided. It's an absolute. One day or another, it'll start growing. And nobody can fix it, change it, or even stop it. Not even me. No medicine, no doctors, no sense of humor, no drugs will help. It's too deep to cut out, and my body just isn't up for the strains that come with treating it with chemotherapy or radiation.

This makes every second of my time valuable to me.

2. No Fucking Friends
I'm aware that I'm a fan of being solitary. But as of late, not completely solitary. I'd like a friend to enjoy it with. Or, put simply, just a friend. Somebody I can see in the morning, and we both know that we fucking hate being up so early in the morning. Somebody I can sit down with, and just talk. Here's the problem.

I live in a town of 800. 60% of that are people over their 60's. Another 20% are older adults, married folks and single dudes and such. The remainder are young folks from ages 1-20. And you know what young folks do in this town? They leave. Because there's nothing here to hold them and keep them. Or, or, they've got a ring on their finger.

Nevermind my town. Let's look at my province. 1 million people. It's the same statistic. 60% old folks, 20% young married folks and bachelor dudes, and the rest are kids that pack up and move to other provinces or have a ring over their fingers.

Even more so, while I may look and act the part of people around here, I don't think the part. The main point is, finding anybody even close to being relatable to me, seems impossible. I have to wait until a traveler arrives, out of town, out of province, out of country. And then give them a reason to stay.

And that means I'll have to wait.

3. Cabin Fever
It's winter. It's fucking cold out. There's no jobs outside. All I have is the restaurant I work at. And I'm a person that moves. And I can't. Which means, over the next 8 months of winter or so, my muscles will degrade, my stamina will go down the tubes, and come spring time, I'll have to fight my way back up to peak physical health again. And I don't want that. I don't want that fucking fight every god damn spring.

Most of all, I'm at my best getting into physical shape with jobs. Because I go into an off state. I ignore all pain and troubles. And I focus on my work and learn new things at the same time. My head is pre-occupied while I work so I don't feel that strain.

But every spring, the starting days are enormously difficult. I don't have the space to do the exercises I would need, and it's too fucking cold out too. So here I sit, cooped up inside.

4. Stress makes stress
I'm a fan of writing and drawing. And with all this bullshit, I'm trying to fall back on my hobbies. And they aren't working. My gears are jammed and the motivation is dead. There is no spark. It's like trying to start your vehicle in the winter and your engine just turns over and over but never starts.


TL:DR
So there you have it. Three of these four things listed, I cannot change directly. I have to wait. And it's killing me. I have to live with the fact that at any time, I could die a wonderful, extremely painful death. I'm constantly aware that I have nobody to fucking talk to.

And not talk over the internet. I mean a person, right there, in the physical sense. A smile, a laugh, the very real physical presence of somebody like myself that I get along with. And so after I'm done talking with folks over the wonderous internet, I return to that state. And it stings. Every time.

And my life is based around moving. Moving and working. Work to keep in shape, work to learn new things, and work to make my dreams a reality. But right now, in -30 weather where exposed skin will freeze in 5 minutes of exposure, that doesn't happen.

So, here's why this is in the serious board.

Why?

Can you give me one good reason why I should wait?

Why should I wait for an absolute, a death that will be both extremely painful, and a death that will take everything away from me if I manage to live long enough to achieve my dreams? If I live long enough to have a good true friend. Why wait to have that achieved, and then ripped from me?

That's my fucking question to all of you. Why fucking bother to wait, when I could save time instead, and just skip all this fucking bullshit?

Enjoy your day folks.

2, 3, and 4 can be fixed by fucking moving. stop being stubborn and just leave.

No RC, they can't. Becuase number one, I don't like cities. Number two, I don't even enjoy small towns that much. Number 3, I live in Canada. Anywhere I go is the same damn thing for 8 fucking months of the year except for the extreme coasts, which still manage to get 8 months of rain and snow instead. Number four, if I left, all the stuff I'm keeping glued together behind me would collapse.

So no RC, simply packing up my shit and moving off to some shiny nice trap of a city would not fix everything. In fact it would probably kill me faster.

Quote from: Sandtrap on November 28, 2014, 11:20:24 AM

Quote from: RC5908 on November 28, 2014, 11:16:44 AM

2, 3, and 4 can be fixed by fucking moving. stop being stubborn and just leave.

No RC, they can't. Becuase number one, I don't like cities. Number two, I don't even enjoy small towns that much. Number 3, I live in Canada. Anywhere I go is the same damn thing for 8 fucking months of the year except for the extreme coasts, which still manage to get 8 months of rain and snow instead. Number four, if I left, all the stuff I'm keeping glued together behind me would collapse.

So no RC, simply packing up my shit and moving off to some shiny nice trap of a city would not fix everything. In fact it would probably kill me faster.

1: the world isn't just rural farmland and cities. there's everything in between.
2: if you aren't willing to do what you need to to fix your problems, you don't have the right to complain about them.

Sorry RC, you've never been across Canada. Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Ontario, and half of Quebec are the same damn thing. Fields, rural communities, and cities to draw people in.

British Columbia, the other half of Quebec, and the island provinces like Nova Scotia and Newfoundland are the only exceptions.

The Yukon, Northwest territories, and Nunavut are basically the same as here, but fucking colder since they're closer to the north pole.

And, as I said, moving to a city, or another province would not fix my problems. The city environment is toxic to me, and getting stuck in that trap would only make things worse. Moving to another province would only bring about a change of people, and honestly, the only people up here who are remotely decent in any way are the rural folks in Quebec.

And lastly, you don't know all the troubles my folks have had on their end. Money won't ever fix their woes. Somebody who's there when they're needed can.

The thing is, right now, I'm cooped up and stuck in a rut that I can't change. Things would be better if I had my own place. I'd never run out of work to do. But I don't have that yet. I will soon. But right now, being stuck like this and spinning my fucking tires in the mud is pissing me off.

Think of it this way.

Wouldn't you rather see if you can achieve your dreams and at least die having achieved them? When you die, you die. You won't be regretting things for very long and you shouldn't be regretting anything either way. Leave the world when it's your time. We all have struggles, and I've been in a very similar situation. I know the feeling you have and I wanted to kill myself for a while. When a train came by I imagined jumping in front of it. But it's not right. I'm never thinking like that again. We have to tough it out because we CAN tough it out. If worst comes to worst at least you tried, and there's no shame in trying. You can go peacefully.

Peacefully my fuckin' ass. The headache I got a couple nights ago, the headache that had me on my fucking knees practically crying, was not peaceful. And it wasn't even from the lump in my head.It was stress related.

 That lump, when it starts moving around and growing some more, will hurt. It's the reason I get headaches like I do now some days. Stuff that hits hard. The heavy pain killers the doc's gave me after I was driven over to the clinic in town didn't even stop it. They dulled it. And if it was a stress related incident, then what the fuck is it going to be like when there's a fucking tumor in there pressing on everything?

Best I can do is try. You're right about that. And that's what I always try to do. But right now, it's a no go. I don't have anything to try. All the stuff that keeps me occupied is shut out, and not by choice. I'm just fucking cooped up like this with nothing I can do about it. And that's the point. I always try to change things.

I can't change the winter. Can't change the fact that I'm an outsider around these parts, no matter where I go. The plain and simple fact is, these days, I'm a rare breed of person. And I sure as fuck can't change the fact that I'm carrying around an unwelcome guest in my head.

Come springtime? Yeah, okay, I'll hit things off again. But that's a loooooong fucking eight months away.

A gym membership can do wonders for cases of cabin fever (I've been stuck in winter conditions where my whole town was cut off from the rest of the world for a whole week, the gym helps wonders with keeping your mind clear), and relieving stress. that's two of your walls right there, I know this from experience.

Also, gyms are social, find friends through that and you'll have 3 walls gone.

Move to Arizona, it's like 40 degrees at night and 70 during the day, you can even still go swimming if the pool's in sunlight all day. Water's warm enough to scuba dive, no legit snow on record in decades, and tons of stuff to do. Also, it's in America.

is the lump of cancer in my noggin. A dormant tumor that will one day start growing

So it's benign? Unless it becomes malignant, you're good to go.

...so whatever happened to Quiet?

Quiet's far away now. About 6 hours away. He moved off from his town and into the city, roughly two weeks ago. Up here, it's just little old me now.

Move to Arizona, it's like 40 degrees at night and 70 during the day, you can even still go swimming if the pool's in sunlight all day. Water's warm enough to scuba dive, no legit snow on record in decades, and tons of stuff to do. Also, it's in America.

Quote

is the lump of cancer in my noggin. A dormant tumor that will one day start growing

So it's benign? Unless it becomes malignant, you're good to go.

I wouldn't say benign. It already being there in the first place puts pressure on my head. And that's responsible for some of the ripping bad headaches I've suffered over the years. Good to go? Not exactly. But in the meantime, close enough.

Quote from: Sandtrap on November 29, 2014, 02:39:46 AM

Quote from: Nuka on November 29, 2014, 02:18:21 AM

...so whatever happened to Quiet?

Quiet's far away now. About 6 hours away. He moved off from his town and into the city, roughly two weeks ago. Up here, it's just little old me now.

You should really consider just moving closer to him or something. Get over this fear of cities you have and just...get out there. More job opportunities, more people. Maybe even some new friendly faces.

It's not a fear. It's a fact. Cities are traps, plain and simple. Going over to one of em' up here wouldn't change anything. And, I can see the way things are going. Quiet's a good dude. But he's going his own way. Not a way I can or will follow.

I'll always have an open door. But that doesn't change the fact that things have been drifting apart for a few years now.

Quote from: Nuka on November 29, 2014, 03:03:45 AM

Quote from: Sandtrap on November 29, 2014, 02:51:12 AM

Quote from: Nuka on November 29, 2014, 02:43:36 AM

Quote from: Sandtrap on November 29, 2014, 02:39:46 AM

Quote from: Nuka on November 29, 2014, 02:18:21 AM

...so whatever happened to Quiet?

Quiet's far away now. About 6 hours away. He moved off from his town and into the city, roughly two weeks ago. Up here, it's just little old me now.

You should really consider just moving closer to him or something. Get over this fear of cities you have and just...get out there. More job opportunities, more people. Maybe even some new friendly faces.

It's not a fear. It's a fact. Cities are traps, plain and simple. Going over to one of em' up here wouldn't change anything. And, I can see the way things are going. Quiet's a good dude. But he's going his own way. Not a way I can or will follow.

I'll always have an open door. But that doesn't change the fact that things have been drifting apart for a few years now.

That's fear talking, man. Living in or near a city isn't as bad as you're making it sound. And I'm suggesting you move closer so that you can still spend time with your buddy on off days. You're a really nice person, but you really need to get out there and meet new people in the real world.

Okay. Here's the view on things. Here's what I've seen in my life. Here's what I've learned by watching.

Cities are okay. They're like snowglobes. Nice to look at. But not nice to live in. That's why I take trips. I go on out, get all the nice fancy shit I want, and then I leave. But here's the facts.

In order to function, cities need people. So, how do you get them filled with people? Two things. Money. And stuff. Stuff that you can't get outside of a city. Stuff that makes you feel safe, secure, and comfortable. Basically, a city says, "Okay dudes, if you live here, you get all this cool stuff, and you get the money to buy it."

And here's what that does to people. Wasted lives. And you can't refute that because I can read people. I watch them, and I see where they're at. Everybody on my construction job? They were dead inside. And not because of the labor. They were dead, because this was their life.

Earn money, buy shit that they think will make them happy, rinse and repeat. At 40 years old, most of them were burnt out. They smoked. They drank. They did drugs. Because that's all they had. As people, they were dead. Just a body waiting to die.

And I see it wherever I go.

So, here's the thing. I'm quiet. I don't party. Don't go out too often. If I was in a city, you'd probably only ever spot me in a library, or a quiet coffee shop. I don't buy shit. Because I'm a simple person. Doesn't take much to make me happy.

So, here's what would happen if I went into a city to live there.

1. I'd get caught in the money trap. Money to pay for the bills to live there and get access to all the spiffy stuff.

2. I'd get stuck in the job trap. When I work Nuka, I work. If I was ever going to have a job, it would be one where I have to move my ass. And if you spend too long on those jobs, you hit an off switch.

My days off would be spent healing and getting ready for the next shift of the job. I wouldn't do anything I enjoy, because there'd be no point. I'd only have, at the most, two days to do it. And I'd need all the time available to recover.

So in a city, I'd be dead as a person.

And now, here's the kicker. I don't mean to come across as insulting.

But your world, is different from mine. My reality, is different from yours. And you don't see that because you live in a city.

If you came up here, to where I live, you wouldn't even know where to start. None of you would. The only people up here who might even stand a chance of fitting in would be fellow Canadians. And even then, that's not a sure thing, because most of the canadian folks here live in cities.

This is my reality. I greatly enjoy peace and quiet. I detest crowds, and people. I work hard for what I make, but I don't kill myself over it. I enjoy my hobbies and try to get as much enjoyment out of my time that I have. Because that's what life should be.

Not a job. Not socializing. And certainly not after the aimless pursuit of money.

So, ask yourself, how would I find a friend? How would I find somebody like me? I'd have to keep my eyes sharp. Because somebody like me wouldn't appear often. They'd be quiet, and withdrawn from the crowd. Doing their own thing.

And if I spotted them, I'd have to jump. Because knowing me, I wouldn't take the first step. My best chances are here.

And most of all, I can't turn my back on my family. Because they need help. And they will need help. And money, money can't help or offer them what the need.

My mother's had a hard life. And it's left its marks on her. She's buried the scars too deep. But I can influence her, slowly. I can turn her attitude and misery around with humor. I can diffuse her anger.

My brother in law? He's old. I can help him when he needs another pair of hands.

My sister? She's blind. When her husband dies, everybody in the area will convince her to move off her farm. And she never will. And she can do it, believe me. But she'll need support. I'm the on;y one who can give that to her.

My little neice? She'll need her uncle to watch her back when she's older, in place of her father. And she'll need a friend, because she's as different as I am.

I can do more here, by staying in the area for all of these people, than I can by going out and making money. Because all of us currently make money anyway. Not a lot. But enough to get by as we need it. And if we need more, we get it.

I live a world apart from you. And it's not an easy one to live in some days. But it's worth it, over the alternative that modern society offers.

Cities aren't that bad.  The fact that you are aware they are a trap, gives you an advantage.
You feel alone? Not anymore, you are surrounded by people.
And you will find someone in the crowd who is like you. And you don't have to find somebody just like you. Differences make conversations interesting too.

You like working hard, but not to death. You can find a physical job in a city.  If you don't want a physical job, plenty of those too.

You  may not like it, but the city may be good for you Sandtrap.

Quote from: Rocketman287 on November 29, 2014, 03:42:25 AM

Quote from: Sandtrap on November 29, 2014, 03:29:55 AM

Quote from: Nuka on November 29, 2014, 03:03:45 AM

Quote from: Sandtrap on November 29, 2014, 02:51:12 AM

Quote from: Nuka on November 29, 2014, 02:43:36 AM

Quote from: Sandtrap on November 29, 2014, 02:39:46 AM

Quote from: Nuka on November 29, 2014, 02:18:21 AM

...so whatever happened to Quiet?

Quiet's far away now. About 6 hours away. He moved off from his town and into the city, roughly two weeks ago. Up here, it's just little old me now.

You should really consider just moving closer to him or something. Get over this fear of cities you have and just...get out there. More job opportunities, more people. Maybe even some new friendly faces.

It's not a fear. It's a fact. Cities are traps, plain and simple. Going over to one of em' up here wouldn't change anything. And, I can see the way things are going. Quiet's a good dude. But he's going his own way. Not a way I can or will follow.

I'll always have an open door. But that doesn't change the fact that things have been drifting apart for a few years now.

That's fear talking, man. Living in or near a city isn't as bad as you're making it sound. And I'm suggesting you move closer so that you can still spend time with your buddy on off days. You're a really nice person, but you really need to get out there and meet new people in the real world.

Okay. Here's the view on things. Here's what I've seen in my life. Here's what I've learned by watching.

Cities are okay. They're like snowglobes. Nice to look at. But not nice to live in. That's why I take trips. I go on out, get all the nice fancy shit I want, and then I leave. But here's the facts.

In order to function, cities need people. So, how do you get them filled with people? Two things. Money. And stuff. Stuff that you can't get outside of a city. Stuff that makes you feel safe, secure, and comfortable. Basically, a city says, "Okay dudes, if you live here, you get all this cool stuff, and you get the money to buy it."

And here's what that does to people. Wasted lives. And you can't refute that because I can read people. I watch them, and I see where they're at. Everybody on my construction job? They were dead inside. And not because of the labor. They were dead, because this was their life.

Earn money, buy shit that they think will make them happy, rinse and repeat. At 40 years old, most of them were burnt out. They smoked. They drank. They did drugs. Because that's all they had. As people, they were dead. Just a body waiting to die.

And I see it wherever I go.

So, here's the thing. I'm quiet. I don't party. Don't go out too often. If I was in a city, you'd probably only ever spot me in a library, or a quiet coffee shop. I don't buy shit. Because I'm a simple person. Doesn't take much to make me happy.

So, here's what would happen if I went into a city to live there.

1. I'd get caught in the money trap. Money to pay for the bills to live there and get access to all the spiffy stuff.

2. I'd get stuck in the job trap. When I work Nuka, I work. If I was ever going to have a job, it would be one where I have to move my ass. And if you spend too long on those jobs, you hit an off switch.

My days off would be spent healing and getting ready for the next shift of the job. I wouldn't do anything I enjoy, because there'd be no point. I'd only have, at the most, two days to do it. And I'd need all the time available to recover.

So in a city, I'd be dead as a person.

And now, here's the kicker. I don't mean to come across as insulting.

But your world, is different from mine. My reality, is different from yours. And you don't see that because you live in a city.

If you came up here, to where I live, you wouldn't even know where to start. None of you would. The only people up here who might even stand a chance of fitting in would be fellow Canadians. And even then, that's not a sure thing, because most of the canadian folks here live in cities.

This is my reality. I greatly enjoy peace and quiet. I detest crowds, and people. I work hard for what I make, but I don't kill myself over it. I enjoy my hobbies and try to get as much enjoyment out of my time that I have. Because that's what life should be.

Not a job. Not socializing. And certainly not after the aimless pursuit of money.

So, ask yourself, how would I find a friend? How would I find somebody like me? I'd have to keep my eyes sharp. Because somebody like me wouldn't appear often. They'd be quiet, and withdrawn from the crowd. Doing their own thing.

And if I spotted them, I'd have to jump. Because knowing me, I wouldn't take the first step. My best chances are here.

And most of all, I can't turn my back on my family. Because they need help. And they will need help. And money, money can't help or offer them what the need.

My mother's had a hard life. And it's left its marks on her. She's buried the scars too deep. But I can influence her, slowly. I can turn her attitude and misery around with humor. I can diffuse her anger.

My brother in law? He's old. I can help him when he needs another pair of hands.

My sister? She's blind. When her husband dies, everybody in the area will convince her to move off her farm. And she never will. And she can do it, believe me. But she'll need support. I'm the on;y one who can give that to her.

My little neice? She'll need her uncle to watch her back when she's older, in place of her father. And she'll need a friend, because she's as different as I am.

I can do more here, by staying in the area for all of these people, than I can by going out and making money. Because all of us currently make money anyway. Not a lot. But enough to get by as we need it. And if we need more, we get it.

I live a world apart from you. And it's not an easy one to live in some days. But it's worth it, over the alternative that modern society offers.

Cities aren't that bad.  The fact that you are aware they are a trap, gives you an advantage.
You feel alone? Not anymore, you are surrounded by people.
And you will find someone in the crowd who is like you. And you don't have to find somebody just like you. Differences make conversations interesting too.

You like working hard, but not to death. You can find a physical job in a city.  If you don't want a physical job, plenty of those too.

You  may not like it, but the city may be good for you Sandtrap.

The only thing I can say to this, is that I've gone over it again and again. Staying here is where I can do best. But it's certainly not easy.

But, the primary concern is, when you live in a city, you get comfortable. And when you get comfortable, you leave yourself open to have the rug pulled out from under you.

There are power outages up here. Our cities are remote, spread far apart from one another, and only connected through a few sparse roads. One good, solid winter snowstorm, and the power is knocked out. Roads are closed.

And cities have at the very most, only three days of available food in them. Cities are supply and demand. They are given food as they need it. But they don't have the largest store of it.


And second, look at the way the world is going. It's a fucking mess. And one day, that mess is going to explode.

If things go to crap, like riots, leave for a few days. Not all cities get overrun in turmoil, Nuka lives in one himself, he's telling you all about it now. If anything, move to a large town-small city like I live in. As for weather, just be prepared and you should be fine.