The thing about depression is that it isn't sadness; the opposite is not a state of happiness. It is resignation, and the opposite is vitality. Depression takes the life out of life, and gives the world a haze through which you think you see clearly. Two words are simply needed when referring to depression, whether regarding yourself or somebody close to you: get help.
Story Section - 1Alright, so this is the first in a series of threads to raise awareness of depression, it's symptoms, it's treatments and hopefully busting the crap out of the pervasive myths or misunderstandings that hang around this topic because few people want to start the discussion.The picture at the top of the thread stood out to me as uncannily accurate. People who are depressed very rarely show that they are, let alone tell the people around them about it. They put on the smile or just a blank face to hide what's inside their head. I know I do, I'm sure other people do as well.All of these stories will be posted anonymously, the only person who knows the identity of those telling the stories will be me. I'm not going to be divulging the names for obvious reasons. Some weren't too bothered about anonymity for their story but I'll keep it blank by default and they can let people know if they wish.Story #1SpoilerI do have a story to share with you concerning depression and cyber bullying.A while back, but not that far back, I was an avid World of Warcraft addict. Worked my job for eight hours, came home and raided for another eight every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. All the other days I spent grinding for gold of leveling my alts for similar time periods. In reflection, it wasn't a good point in my life.Then one day not sure why or when it started, I don't even remember what they said anymore, I started being harassed by the members of a random guild.When I attempted to sell items in Trade Chat they would spam messages to immediately bump my message out of view so that I could not sell anything. They followed my guild raids into the zone and constantly posted hurtful messages about me. They sent me PMs with more messages of the same content.I of course blocked them so they couldn't send me PMs and I couldn't see their messages but their spam still disrupted my sales and got to the point where random Pick up Groups started rejecting me for dungeons even though I more than met gear and skill requirements because of the crap they heard from this guild.I was furious. I PM'd GMs multiple times about the issue and each time they either couldn't or wouldn't do anything to stop them. Being young I didn't want to or know to escalate it further and to not stop until I got a satisfactory ending so I just continued on dealing with it. I couldn't just log out either. I was a raiding member of a guild clearing newish content. I couldn't just pop offline whenever the assholes started posting. My guild needed me. And being a social outcast in real life, my guild mates were the best friendships I had. I even bought tickets to St. Louis to have a get together with them.It got so bad and I was feeling like such crap that I admitted to the GM responding to my latest report about these griefers that I felt like giving it all up and ending it all and he had to talk me down or he was going to call the cops and give them my address so they would make sure I didn't kill myself.I'm not sure what happened to the players in question after that. I don't think Blizzard ever did anything but eventually my computer couldn't keep up with new content and I got side lined in raids and I just stopped playing and that killed the problem.To this day, anyone putting down a person feeling suicidal or depressed gets my blood boiling because they are insulting me. They are calling me a pussy, they are calling me weak willed and I'll be -blam!-ed if I'm going to take that shit lying down anymore, I'll be -blam!-ed if I let the same shit that happens to me happens to someone else, and I'll be -blam!-ed if I let some -blam!-ty Ann peice of shit dump on a person already feeling like shit.Story #2SpoilerSo I'm going to give you my story on an alt. You prooobably know who I am and I wont bother getting into my persona to mask it. I was just too embarrassed to tell you on my main.It's for you thread should you share it anon. A treatment or idea of sorts.I suffered from depression for over four years. Got into the cutting scene and was raised in an emotionally, mentally and psychically abusive family. Which is, I believe, the cause of all of my mental crutches. The option to see a therapist wasn't there. It simply didn't and doesn't exist for some people. "Getting help" isn't easy, especially with the social pressure that hovers around asking for it. I turned 18 and was kicked out of my house while attending college which lead me to turn to games, poor eating/sleeping habits, and denial. Though talking to a selected few did help, it was little more than putting a band-aid over an open wound. A temporary fix to a large problem. As the years went on the depression seemed to drag. Some days I would be okay, other days it was too much effort to breath. I only wished to stay in bed all day. Later a family member got me a cat.This helped a lot. It kept my mind busy and made me feel needed. I felt more motivated to go to my job everyday so I would have money to spoil him. I would go outside more often, walking him on his leash and allowing everyone to admire him. He understood certain words when I used him. Knew his name, knew when he had misbehaved. Having such a smart pet made me proud. Gave me a sense of accomplishment.I loved him just as I did my family and friends. But only a year of having him, he became terminally ill. I made the most crippling choice in my life and had to put him down to end his pain. My depression peaked at this point. My mind hardly recalls those days even now. What I do remember is living in a fog. My body on autopilot. When I wasn't working I was sleeping. Didn't eat. Hardly drank water. Closed up to anyone who tried to talk to me. Thoughts of suicide strangled me. My room was a constant mess. Never cared about my attire or appearance very much then. It was too much trouble and simply wasn't worth it. Each day that passed felt more and more of a chore. Existing was a chore. It finally broke me one day at my job. Working the night shift and I sat in the back and cried as a child would. My hands were shaking. It was it. It was the day I was done.Completely done with everything. Despite that something in me still wanted to live. I flipped through my contacts searching desperately for someone to call. To talk to me and listen. I wanted help now. Being alone was too difficult. Holding it in; hiding from the world. Putting on a smile when I was around people to pretend everything was fine. Goofing off so no one would even have an idea that I wasn't okay.There was no single person I had the courage to pour out to so I bit my cheek and wrote out a confession on my facebook. I told everyone. Absolutely terrified that I would be scolded, patronized or belittled for it. It was the opposite though.My friends gave me so much support. Family members were giving suggestions. Phone calls. Texts. I finished closing the store, went home to my flatmate asking what she could do to help. I cried in relief that night. Even as I type that sensation of it is causing me to tear up in happiness. It was time to change. I cut out soda and junk food entirely. Instead of going home and jumping in bed or on the xbox I took a walk. Explored the rural expanse around me. Sat and stared out at the lake to relax on clear nights. I took the effort to talk to friends about things that stressed me out. Soon a work out routine fell into place. Every two days a week I set aside time to clean the house. Even making sure to keep every thing as tidy as I could. Once I forced myself into being healthy physically my mind slid into place. The depression and suicidal thoughts ebbed away.Happiness became genuine. It was as if a massive weight on my mind, chest and shoulders had melted away slowly. It was crazy. Just by changing my diet, talking to people, and organizing myself the depression was going away. To this day I find it bizarre and wonderful all at the same time. It was one of the most difficult paths however. To be in a state of not wanting to do anything, because it simply didn't matterTo doing everything a functioning person would do. Choosing to do it. And getting better due to that. Convincing myself was hard however. It wasn't as simple as snapping my fingers and thinking "today I will get better". It was a road of success and failure. Some days you won the battle, other days the battle drowned you.But you have to keep grabbing for that light at the end of the tunnel. It's there. You probably can't see it but once you do you'll never let it go. While it will fade some nights and the depression will nibble at your mind, you will feel so much lighter. So much more wonderful in the process. That's all I've got to say. Really rather a messy and all over story but *shrugs*Story #3SpoilerWhen i was younger, I went through some Very intense situations. I had always wanted to be one of the baddest dudes i worked with. I was a private contractor. And i Was a badass.I was put in with this company of men because my father was a higher up. But in his eyes, and everyones, i was the youngster who had to prove himself. And so i always volunteered for the most dangerous/ difficult situations. Put myself at the front of the violence and chaos.This went on for years. Me trying to prove myself to my elders and everyone i worked with i was capable of shouldering the burden. That i could function in such a chaotic environment. This was not the place for the faint of heart. I saw more violence and death than most can fathom.Before i knew it. I was getting older. I was no longer that guy kicking the door in, i was the one telling people where to go and what to do.Every time i came home. To the family events. Hanging out with friends. I never belonged. I was "tainted". I felt i did NOT belong here with all this "happiness" I was supposed to be in the shit. Where i belonged. My father once told me that the difference between me and him was that while i was " ballsy enough to kick a door in and kill someone. He was smarter because he would just cut a check"I once tried to talk to my mother. Her response was "If you cant handle it dont do it"She was right, but i HAD to prove myself. It was who i was. And prove myself i did.Over time i became depressed. When i was young, i thought for sure, i would be dead by them time i hit 21. Then it became id be dead by the time i was 25. I didnt belong in safety. The niceties of life were not for the likes of me. I belonged in the mud. The jungles. The chaos was where i thrived. That was where I, felt comfortable. I could not fit in at home. Noone could understand me.Thats what i always told myself. Noone could understand my path through life. The things I had done, I always tried to justify it. "People just live in their bubble world" while i lived in the "real" one.I didnt want to be alive. I was sick of being called a mercenary. Even my military friends couldnt reach me. I wanted to just enlist, go special forces, and die for my country. Because then my family would be able to be proud of me.I had a close friend commit suicide. Another died . And another. I was at the breaking point. I couldnt do this anymore.I took a year off from work. From life. I went to my families beach house. All i did was fish and row around. Relaxing. Completely unplugged. It took me that entire year to slow down my inner rage. To quiet the anger that was so defining of me. I had done things that most wont ever know or understand. But i came to peace with my journey through life. I got back into the business, with a condition that i no longer be involved in operations, and that i move into office side of things. While it is still a struggle sometimes. I no longer scream in my sleep. I actually SLEEP. more than 3-4 hours at a time as was my habit before this hiyatis. And Sleep, Is So AMAZING.And while many can never take that much time off work, i was fortunate to have made so much money leading up to my collapse i was able to do so.I got back into video games. Which were always a Disconnect for me. It allowed me to live in another world. Not mine. And i have to say, I love , getting my Nerd on.Im now soon to be engaged. Living life, Enjoying. Life. Because Life i realized, Is Amazing. Life is Always worth living. No matter how difficult it is in the moment, or has been. The future, is always there. On the Horizon for us to seize. So get out there, Live life. Because its the only one we get.
Story Section - 2Story #4SpoilerI have been through depression in my past but now I don't feel it is as bad now but I have recently met a girl that I really think is a cool person and ive been having really happy dreams of us and it is giving me the lingering feeling that I am just used to my depression because what I feel right now isn't anywhere near what I feel in my dreams. That girl I met is going through pretty bad depression as well..It is like what I felt at the climax of my depression from what I understand and we always talk about our situations and what is on our minds and I feel it gives us both a better understanding of what we are dealing with (similar to what is going on here) I don't know if this is weird but I don't want to ever tell her to talk to a professional or tell her to stop harming herself or something along those lines I do care about her but I just want her to figure it out on her own because when I was in the worst part of my depression I wouldn't listen to anyone that told me to find help. I will help of course by doing little things that make her happy and go out of my way to make her day better but ultimately it is her that gets over it and peoples brains are really complex and I believe that subliminally letting her know that everything will be better is better than telling her directly like everyone else does because people have and she has ignored it. I want her to understand it herself.*I have also pointed out whilst discussing this tale that if things get to a serious point, it is the right thing to do to involve the appropriate mental health practitioners rather than trying to manage this solo.Story #5 SpoilerI once had a friend who was a cutter & such & she was really into anime so one day she comes over & we watch DBZ. (Which she was a big fan of)At this point I already know about her tendencies to cut so I end up bringing it up while watching the show.I asked her who her favorite character was & she responded with Vegeta which was great because I told her when ever she feels sad she should think about how much of a badass Vegeta is & how he would never do such a pitiful thing to himself (harsh to say I know but I needed to be straight forward) even though he runs into much disappointment with himself yet he never gives up & always pushes himself to surpass ka ka carrot cake.So I told her to take from that & use it to help her in finding even the littlest of confidence.& she took this advice well which in turn helped greatly with her problem.Most of us have looked up to our childhood heroes which most may even be fictional characters. Ive even found myself in situations where I asked myself what would this hero of mine do? Its helped alot in bringing me solutions & maybe if others thought about doing the same then maybe it could help, it may sound silly but it may also have a great positive impact on your life.Story #6SpoilerBasically, I'm extremely antisocial and its getting worse- as in, I used to be fairly okay at stuff but recently, I'm doing nothing but stay in and game, and I can tell I'm doing it more, to the point that I refuse- even complain- when asked to go out places (including friends and family). Even stuff I used to enjoy such as gaming with my XBL friends I no longer want to do, I just hate (Used in a literal sense) being around people, I can barely talk to those who I--like and just pretend not to be there in front of others. But it's also the fact that I feel as though I can't open up to anyone, apart from anon. This is probably in part caused from constant sarcasm and degradation about my antisocial tendencies from my parents that I don't know who to trust, and that I also end up just lying in bed if not gaming because I have nothing else to do. I also think that life is boring, and that there is nothing to it, which is why I -- Love fiction, it makes it interesting. But The part the scares me the most is that I don't feel things anymore, an event that left my family devastated a few weeks back and I didn't care- I just ignored it. I feel as though if I actually said something, it would be put off as 'typical teenager anxiety just put up with it' and it may be that, but it feels like there's more to it. I don't think depression, but I don't think it's healthy.But I guess the thing is, I have nothing to worry about. I'm doing fine at school and there isn't anything major happening, but I feel disconnected. I often end up staring into space just thinking about stuff and end up feeling depressed at how insignificant everything is and questioning why I should bother.Thanks. I feel better for saying it. I often don't feel like there's anybody I can talk to.One last thing, is that I spend much more time on the Internet than real life. I don't know if its because I can almost 'RP' as someone who is okay, or because I get degraded, called a freak or weird for my interests. But I don't know if that's a contributor
Story Section - 3Story #7SpoilerIn short, I was brought up to be Homophobic in every aspect. Anything remotely homosexual was frowned upon and anyone who had feelings for the same sex were f%#cked up/wrong/sick, etc. As I grew older, I started hating myself as I realized that I'm Bisexual. Well, for a long time it was denial. How could I be that messed up? How could I be one of those freaks? So I got pretty depressed. Attempted suicide a couple of times but couldn't pull it off. In short, I ended up falling in love and realized that the world wasn't as dark as it seemed. Then I came to terms with who I am a few months later and am probably only alive because of that girl I fell for.Story #8SpoilerThis is my depression storySo about two years a friend of mine started dating this girl. When he first introduced me to her I remember thinking how beautiful she was. I didn't think much about her over the summer but when we got back to school I started getting to know her better and I loved everything about her. We would chat all the time on facebook, we'd help each other out with our problems and also have great laughs. We had so much in common. It wasn't long before I realised I was in love, but of course I couldn't do anything about it. At first I just felt a little bummed seeing them together but it got worse gradually. One time I just randomly broke down in front of all my friends and I was so embarrassed. That night I self harmed.I don't know why I fell for her so badly but I was so madly, desperately in love that I decided I couldn't take this any more. In January last year I ran away from home to a bridge and considered jumping. Obviously I couldn't so I returned home to find the police waiting for me. I was put onto a government list of young people at risk to themselves.A couple of months later I was brought down severely again when I accidentally let something personal about her slip. I told her out of guilt but I realised she didn't trust me any more and that night I cried myself to sleep.In March she started trying to distance herself from me and it was noticeable. I confronted her but she denied it, but I knew she was and I didn't know why, but it hurt so much as despite being the bane of my life she was also the only thing I had. We had a huge fight that ended with her telling me to get the -blam!- away from her so I did.A few weeks past and I started harbouring resentment and hatred for her, as I felt she has been really nasty to me. She broke up with my friend in April. Over the next 3 months I distanced from that friend and made new friends......only for her to start dating one of my new friends. I was so angry and hurt as I thought I had finally gotten rid of her but now she was coming back into my life. She kept trying to make up with me but I blanked her and intended to keep it that way, but in August she finally got through to me and we talked it out.So a week later that friend had a party and he was making out with her the whole time, which destroyed me as all my feelings for her came flooding back. I never stopped having feelings for her despite dating another girl briefly in November.So time passed, I fell out with her a lot but we were still friends but I was still madly in love with her. These feelings were emphasised as I fell out with her bf in January and my anger towards him created more jealousy and I felt for her even more. I tried to move school and also tried to kill myself again. Then out of the blue she started being nasty to me again, calling me names and making fun of me for having feelings for her, then she got her friend to send me more abuse over facebook. However soon she started trying to get back in touch with me and I knew now she was messing me around so I cut her, her bf and her friends out of my life and I am now happier.Story #9SpoilerMy family moved around a lot. I always knew that any friends I made would have to be left, so I didn't bother. But we had a dog, and I got really attached to him. I never thought about death or the fact that I would outlive him. In hindsight I realize that getting that attached was a terrible idea. He began to get old. started forgetting that he could back up, so we always had to help him out of corners. He had a stroke, so we decided to put him down.I was the only one who had him as an only friend. I couldn't stop crying. Sometimes I still cry. I started eating a lot. Put on a lot of weight. Broke down daily. It was like that until very recently. I blamed myself. I thought that there had to have been something I could do to save him. I self harmed because of it. Whenever i was alone I would hit my head. I don't even know why I chose that. I probably gave myself multiple concussions, but never went to a doctor for it. I couldn't let anybody know. To everyone else it seemed like nothing had changed. they eventually began to notice me being angrier though. I get violently angry fast. I started a habit of chewing on my lip because it hurt and it made me bleed. I thought about suicide daily. I would scratch myself with my pocket knife, just to see how easy it was. I wouldn't draw blood because I was scared.Eventually my cousin died in a car crash. that made things even worse. I once again thought that if I had done something different or better she would have survived. She was in a different state, but I wasn't thinking about that. I began to hate myself. Every part of myself.My family got close to another family. I became friends one of them. His sister was very young, but got cancer. It was kind of worrying, but he got better. But then it came back. She died, and I blamed myself.Then nothing changed for a long time. Daily thoughts of how much happier others would be if I died. It was terrible. I eventually was ready. i wasn't even going to bother with a note, just do it and be done. I was just about to do it, when i just collapsed. I started crying, couldn't move at all. Nothing hurt anymore. I had dropped the knife and was just lying there. There was no cut on me. I couldn't figure out why nothing hurt anymore. I have to go. I'll finish it later.I couldn't figure out why nothing hurt anymore. I couldn't figure out why I was happy. I was supposed to be sad. I was a coward. I couldn't do it. But I no longer wanted to. I couldn't move at all for an hour. I could just breath. i started laughing. I couldn't help it. I was so happy without even having a reason. It hasn't been a whole year since then yet. I'm still not completely happy, but i don't blame myself. None of my friends have been able to match my dog, but I realize that I can't bring him back.
Story Section - 4Story #10SpoilerIts not a story of my depression, I've never had it, but I once knew a girl who cut herself because she saw it as, as she put it, fun.Its a weird story, but in year 7 she was vibrant, full of life. Then, in year 8, she became very reclusive. She stuck around with only one girl and began to self harm, cutting herself. Her attitude towards literally everyone became... just violent really. Then, over the next couple of years, she began to mellow. She found someyounger kids she liked and stopped trying to (and this is insensitive) kill herself. However, her amazing maturity transformed into childishness.Disney films, that sort of thing became everything to her. She transformed those around her into people like herself, just.... childish. However, whenever she got angry, that fierce maturity she once had showed itself again.FF to Y11. In maths, I had to sit next to her. Nice person, etc etc, but once, when she was just sitting there, she pulled a Compass (mathematical compass, geometry etc), and moved to draw it across her skin. In a dash of... well, I don't know, I got her in a wrist lock, took the compass off her, and threw it somewhere, before releasing her.'Why?' I asked.She simply shrugged, and said 'because its fun.'Naturally, I was isolated for assault (we both know how British schools operate) and she was sent home for the day. It turned out she was still a regular self abuser, not apparently out of any particular sadness, just out of habit. She still is to this day.We never spoke again. I still wonder if I was right to do what I did.Story #11 - An interview of sorts about life as an inpatient. It's by no means formal or proper, just a discussion about it so please excuse the informal nature of the discussion. (Still proper though, it's not just herps and derps)SpoilerMr Psych: Could you give a brief sort of story to what you've been through/how you ended up on the wards?Anon: yupone secMr Psych: No worries, take your time!Anon: So basically, 2 years of depression that has been especially severe the past 6 monthsLast February I'd enough of it, and started to make extensive plans for suicideI was admitted into my first psychiatric unit a month ago after I admitted to my counselor of my previous plansSo I stayed there for 3 days, and then I went to a rehab center to treat my depression6 days into that I attempted suicide; subsequently, I was admitted into another psych ward and remained there for 11 daysNow I'm at a new rehab center the end :] Mr Psych: How are you doing now? At the new rehab centre that is, is it live-in or is it where you visit for appointments?Anon: Live-in (usually called inpatient)lol yeah I understand, it's a lot to take in...it's for me this all happened myselfbut i'm doing okay*it's hard forMr Psych: Ah good to hear, It's good that you are doing alright What's the treatment like? Or the average day as an inpatient?Anon: eat breakfast, hygiene stuffMr Psych: A bit like being in a hospital?Anon: then group therapy/appointments until 4pm (he have lunch at 12-1pm) *we Mr Psych: Group therapy... eech, is that as bad as it sounds? <.< Anon: oh, and the first week I was here I did a lit of testing Anon: *lot...f*ck my grammarAnon: so it's basically really chill here...you're not obligated to go to every group, you can use your phone or laptop,Anon: and gym, yoga and sports equipment are availableAnon: lol group isn't that bad...usually *shudders*Mr Psych: Ah that's good, quite a long way from the days of one flew over the cuckoo's nest then Anon: we discuss about changing cognitive distortions and DBT skillsit's rather informative I suppose...and almost everyone here (including the patients) are really nice and mentally stableaiy I'm rambling...and no it isn't anything like being in a psych wardor hospitalMr Psych: Heh, rambling is fine. It's always interesting to learn about the little details as well as the bigger ones.Anon: thanks for listening :]umm, I guess my point is that a lot people have been in my shoes and go on to live productive lives...it's just, no one ever talks about this type of experience-At this point the conversation branches off away from the rehab centre- If it seems a little disjointed, it's what happens with a mobile - browser conversation :l
I would send you my story by PM, but I don't want to feel like I was hiding from it.I've no doubt that some of you will already know that alongside depression, I'm also very probably afflicted with ASPD. Of course, being impulsive and antisocial is never really good from the perspective of other individuals, but it was usually the case that it wouldn't be much of a problem (although, there were a lot of instances where I made some serious transgressions). The problem, however, is that being depressive takes away the narcissism and adds to the antisocial side of things - essentially removing any reason to intentionally perform "good" actions.The depression was in its infancy around mid-to-late November last year. It wasn't clear to others that I was slowly slipping into depression (as the OP demonstrates, it often remains hidden), but it was clear that I was getting more and more antisocial. I would consistently insult other individuals, make references to harming certain people and act in an aggressive and inconsiderate way to those close to me, passing it off as humour. Eventually, it became too much for my girlfriend. In January, she broke up with me; if it could be said that I was crawling towards the edge of the cliff, then she pushed me off. I don't blame her - while I kept her happy for the majority of the relationship, those last few months were unnecessarily difficult for her.Over the next few months I spiraled into a crippling depression. Yet still, the others didn't notice. They knew I was upset, but it wasn't until a month ago that it became apparent just how badly. I had been speaking to a GP throughout these few months, but I had always downplayed things. It wasn't until Saturday, March 29, when I nearly ended my own life that those around me realised just what sort of state I was in.My friends went to a teacher at college, who encouraged me to follow through with a referral to a psychologist, which I had acquired as a result of seeing the nurse about antisocial behaviour. It hasn't been a particularly descriptive story, but I don't know what more to say. I'm still depressed, I still have the urge to end my own life and I'm not sure how entirely to perceive it.It wasn't because of my ex breaking up with me, although it certainly seemed like that from the outside. Even I had difficulty distinguishing it at times. But depression, most of the time, just is. If I had to say one good thing about it, it's that through the suicidality and the relationships that go through ups and downs, break ups and shake ups, developments and setbacks, you learn who you true friends are. And you come to know who you owe your life to.The thing about depression is that it isn't sadness; the opposite is not a state of happiness. It is resignation, and the opposite is vitality. Depression takes the life out of life, and gives the world a haze through which you think you see clearly. Two words are simply needed when referring to depression, whether regarding yourself or somebody close to you: get help.Don't wait around until you nearly throw yourself off the top of a carpark, because oftentimes you can't turn back from that point.
[Psykana] Depression Series #1 (Stories of the Flood)
