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Topics - Lemy the Lizerd

Pages: 1 ... 101112 1314 ... 16
331
The Flood / The Story Of How I Lost My Virginity
« on: November 19, 2014, 06:30:56 PM »
>be me 16yo dumb teen in highschool
>like every other dick with too much time, i do weird stuff at school
>smoking and shit, breaking stuff, picking locks and exploring prohibited areas

yeah you can pick locks if you practice enough. not too hard to do, especially with old, worn

out locks.

>anyway, there was this attic/multi purpose room with a padlock.
>dumb teachers use padlock on closed hooks.
>hooks are attached to the wall and the door with screws. lol.
>no need to pick the lock, i simply used my small screwdriver.

i always carry a screwdriver with me. i like unscrewing things. so what

>i started going there at lunch time
>grab a bite to eat, go be by myself, smoke some cigarettes. nobody to bother me.
>the room was mostly filled with junk.
>old computers, desks, lamps, broken chairs, props from school plays and shit
>and this big ass worn out red couch
>after im done, i screw the hooks back, so nobody finds out and does a better job at locking

the place
>one day, as i'm sitting around doing nothing, this girl comes along
>ffs, this was my spot
>she's from the same grade, but not the same class
>seen her a couple of times, never talked, 7/10 imho
>what are you doing here Lemy?
>nothing, smoking and shit i guess...
>well.. ok.

>she looks around, explores, not interested in me.
>sometimes mumbles shit like "ooh how interesting...", "oh look at that"
>yeah well it's a nice spot..
>how did you get in here anon?
>ohshit.jpeg
>the door was open, i said why not
>oh ok then
>cue noises, giggles and shit
>we look at each other worried, someone else is coming
>im sitting still feeling like a hipster with his favorite spot going mainstream
>she panics and starts looking around for a place to hide
>im sitting on the floor, behind the couch so i can see the door
>but no one can see me
>suddenly i see this senior couple walking in
>tongues down each others throats, horny as fuck
>ohfuckfuckfuck
>i crawl towards the girl, she found a place behind dumped desks
>thinking why the fuck am i hiding? is the senior guy suddenly going to decide to fuck me
>instead of his slut gf?
>they dont notice us.
>the guy throws his gf to the couch
>fuckyeahfuckyeahfuckyeah
>the other girl covering her mouth not to scream
>it wasnt weird its just you dont get to watch people fucking right in front of you everyday
>we got the perfect spot behind desks, in the dark
>i mean there must be like 50 desks all tangled up and shit, its like a 5yo's pillow fortress
>behind all that metal and wood, we got this perfect vantage point
>i can see the red couch and the couple
>she's lying there all fuckmenow mode on
>instant boner
>the guy is this jock type asshole. feeling her up, trying to say nasty stuff
>saying funny shit like "oh yeah now you're mine"
>probably watches more cheesy porn flicks than i do
>my boner is becomming more sad by the second
>cmoncmoncmoncmoooonnn get to the fucking good stuff
>random girl next to me still covering her mouth
>dont care what she does, hope that she wont make a noise and ruin everything
>jock dick starts undressing his gf
>unbuttons her shirt
>cue TITS
>omg those perky white tits with pink nipples
>i just sighed so loud i thought it was all over
>lucky us, they cant hear for shit
>starts going ape shit on her, doing all the tricks like an imbecile
>shes giggling and saying slutty things like stop dont lol
>starts sucking her, feeling up her but, trying to get the panties off
>i cant tell if the slut enjoys it or not
>i figure she must be like oh this is getting serious now
>stops him cold by pushing him
>allow me
>grabs him by the belt
>he's grinning like a retard i know what's coming and he does too
>unzips him
>start sucking like a vacuum machine
>slurping.wav
>licking.wav
>moaning.wav
>he has this OMFG face. i cant tell if this is horny of funny as fuck
>meanwhile the girl next to me is all red
>its like red you have never seen before
>like a tanning salon trip gone bad red
>i whisper u ok?
>she just looks at me and blinks her eyes
>ohshit she looks amazing
>im looking at her as the blowjob goes on in the background
>only thing hiding our heavy breathing is the slurping noises
>she looks at me again
>ohfuckfuckfuck i must have been staring at her like a psycho
>i quickly turn my head to the show
>jocks gf stops sucking him and slowly gets up
>oh new scene coming up, saved by the bell i guess...
>she puts in his dick from under her skirt
>i can hear the guy exhaling with pleasure
>the bitch is more experienced than i previously thought
>certainly more experienced than the meathead shes fucking
>she starts moving up and down
>idiot jock starts making pornstar noises like "oh yeah" and shit
>she shushes him
>someones gonna hear us, keep it low
>but at the same time shes enjoying it
>quietly moaning herself
>suddenly the girl next to me leans to my ear.
>i was so into the show, i almost jump
>i look at her like wtf?
>she whipers, i gotta change position my legs are going numb
>im like r u fucking kidding me...
>but i notice shes sitting on her legs
>i try to scooch back
>i cant touch the desks and shit, it like a hulking mess of junk
>if i touch anything, best case i will make a lot of sound
>worst case our desk fortress come crashing down on top of us
>she moves her ass to my side, trying to stretch her legs
>we are no longer side by side
>im sitting behind her, looking at the action over her shoulder
>its getting really cramped up in here so i stretch my legs to her sides
>we're not touching each other, but we're really really close.
>meathead decides to change position
>picks her up, swings her and pins her to the couch
>missionary... seriously?
>all we can see is his ugly ass buttcrack
>the sounds keep it interesting tho
>screeching old couch and a lot off muted moans
>just as i start losing my boner i notice the random girls legs
>its a cramped space (did i tell you?) so she cant stretch her legs that far
>her knees are bent, so her skirt falls back a little, revealing her thighs.
>they look fucking amazing.
>i mean, im a leg and butt guy.
>and they are AMAZING
>she's still uncomfortable tho, trying to find a better spot to put her ass on
>suddenly thinking, please be it my lap oh pleaseee
>but its all cold hard concrete floor
>anyway, she ends up touching my thigh.
>reset:boner
>i try to get closer to her
>she turns her head, looks at me
>i whisper, i cant see shit
>she's still red as and apple
>meathead changes positions again
>oh yeah, doggystyle is next
>he starts moaning like an ape again
>she's trying to shush him
>meanwhile i can hear the random girl's breathing
>she's breathing to the beat of the sex scene right in front of us
>she's almost hyperventilating
>the scene gets better and better
>now they are really into it
>everynowandthen the slut looks back and bites her lips or does some similar ridiculous shit
>oh now she's a porn star too... works for me!
>sudden hand on thigh!
>ohshitohshit is this happening?
>when did she get this close?
>her hair is practically right in my face
>smells gorgeous
>i finally gather myself and decide to try and make a move
>maybe start by accidentaly touching her?
>after all its a small space
>heart starts beating faster and faster
>i hang my right hand from my right leg
>my fingertips are touching her bare leg.
>nothing happens...
>lets try the left hand
>i say fuck it lets go all in and put my left hand on her left hand, which is on my left leg
>she leans on to my right hand
>jack-fucking-pot!
>i stop beating around the bush and start caressing her thigh, gently
>and i mean really GENTLY
>like is this real or am i about to get busted so i should do this gently, GENTLY.
>she leans back a little more
>now my chin is over her shoulder
>my boner is getting so large, i can almost touch her spine with my tip
>i grab her left hand, signalling that im going for it
>she grabs back, tightly
>fuckyeahherewego.jpg
>i slide my right hand to her inner thigh
>slowly making my way down
>carefully pushing back the skirt on the way
>meanwhile, she leans back even more
>our faces are touching each other
>both of us are unable to look at each other
>too affraid of ruining the moment
>its way too surreal, lets not turn it into a confrontation i say
>my right hand comes to a halt
>i went as far as i could
>i can feel her warmth on my fingertips
>im touching her panties
>her white, mildly damp panties
>she leans back completely
>still grabbing her left hand, i put my hand to her belly
>pinning her to me completely
>at this time, the porn couple change positions again
>i can feel that they will finish up soon
>we can do this as long as they are fucking like dumb rabbits
>the moment their thing is over, we will find ourselves in a very awkward situation
>so i have to act quickly
>i skip the let's start with over the panties action
>and immediately shift her panties to one side
>she gasps for air
>i cant tell if it was excitement, shock, fear or wtf
>by now im so horny, i couldnt care less if she was having a fucking heart attack
>following after our porn stars, i shush her by leaning to her ear
>her, lets start kissing her while we're at the ear, right?
>i start playing around with her pussy
>i think she shaved a couple of days ago.
>i can feel brand new, needle like hairs
>she's breathing heavily, as do i, to her neck line
>licking her neck and shit, trying not to make too much noise
> I gently start stroking her, unsure of myself because I'm a bit beta
> She leans her head really far back, and licks the outside of my ear
> This tickles, and I almost giggle, but manage to stifle it
> My hand starts to move a little bit more quickly
> My finger slides inside her while I stim her clit with my other hand.
> She starts to undo my pants
> My boner explodes out as it is free
> She pushes me onto my back and slides her panties down around her ankles and past her shoes
> She steps over me, and I'm almost inside her, but then she stops suddenly
> "Are we...why did you?" I sputter, feeling her warmth dripping down onto me
> "We will" she whispers "but first, I'm gonna need about free fidy"
> This is when I realize this 7/10 qt3.14 is actually a 50 ft behemoth from the paleozoic era.

332
The Flood / >need a facebook for tinder
« on: November 19, 2014, 06:07:29 PM »
wait..so people download a hook up app thats connected to a thing friends family and co-workers use?

Am I the only one who sees the problem with this?

333
Serious / The only sect of Christianity I could ever respect.
« on: November 19, 2014, 03:30:16 PM »
Aaaand they were wiped out.

GG Rome

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catharism

Read up bitches.

I'll admit, some things, like the aversion to sexuality and the implication that Jews and other Christians are accidentally worshipping Satan are kind of problematic, but it's miles ahead of Protestantism, Catholicism and Orthodoxy.

334
Serious / "Guns r bad mmkay"
« on: November 19, 2014, 01:24:29 PM »
http://www.guns.com/2014/10/25/nc-grandpa-shoots-three-intruders-after-they-beat-his-wife-attempt-to-gang-rape-granddaughter-video/

Quote
“They got what they deserved,” Pittman said of the suspects. “They kicked the wrong door in.”



335
Serious / Cringe Thread: Ferguson Edition
« on: November 19, 2014, 12:29:45 PM »






http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2840003/Militant-group-offers-cash-rewards-location-Ferguson-police-officer-Darren-Wilson-says-ammunition-solve-lot-problems.html

I'm sure this "experience" includes magdumping a Hi-point held sideways.

What is it with poor people and exaggerating the scale and intensity of fights they get in? I know it's not just a black thing because the white trash folks around here do the same shit.

336
The Flood / There are two kinds of countries
« on: November 19, 2014, 11:22:17 AM »
Those who use the metric system.
And those who have been to the moon.

337
The Flood / You know, Chili's is actually a decent place to eat.
« on: November 19, 2014, 10:08:04 AM »
I know it's the hip thing now to be like "ew icky poor people chain restaurants", but I genuinely enjoy it every time I eat there.

Am I alone here?

338
Serious / Give me a good reason to make military impersonation a felony
« on: November 19, 2014, 09:00:26 AM »
Aside from "muh feels"

339
Serious / Ferguson Cop: "If you do not have a gun, get one"
« on: November 19, 2014, 08:04:00 AM »
Things are looking really bad.

http://stlouis.cbslocal.com/2014/11/18/report-alleged-cop-warns-ferguson-if-you-do-not-have-a-gun-get-one/

Quote
FERGUSON, Mo. (CBS ST. LOUIS) - Law enforcement in the Ferguson area are preparing for potential protests and riots following the grand jury’s decision in the Michael Brown investigation, which is expected sometime this month.

Talking to “St. Louis Coptalk” forum, a supposed police officer in the Ferguson area issued a warning to others in the community to “protect” their families with firearms.

Many posting in the forum expressed fears that demonstrators will take to the streets regardless of the decision made in the Aug. 9 shooting death of the 18-year-old by officer Darren Wilson.

Vocative reports that under the name “A Concerned Cop,” one commenter shared the following warning:

“If you do not have a gun, get one and get one soon. We will not be able to protect you or your family. It will be your responsibility to protect them. Our gutless commanders and politicians have neutered us. I’m serious, get a gun, get more than one, and keep one with you at all times.”

The identity of the commenter or their status as a police officer was not confirmed by independent sources. But this comes as the FBI released an intelligence bulletin stating a grand jury decision “will likely be exploited by some individuals to justify threats and attacks against law enforcement and critical infrastructure.”

Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon also signed an executive order activating the Missouri National Guard on Monday afternoon.

340
The Flood / HOW TO BE HUMAN WEAPON LIKE RIDDICK
« on: November 19, 2014, 07:41:56 AM »
EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A VHS INTO THE SLOT. ITS CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I START DOING THE MOVES ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, RIDDICK. I DO EVERY MOVE AND I DO EVERY MOVE HARD. MAKIN WHOOSHING SOUNDS WHEN I SLAM DOWN SOME NECRO BASTARDS OR EVEN WHEN I MESS UP TECHNIQUE. NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY ESCAPED THE GALAXY’S MOST DANGEROUS PRISON. I CAN. I SAY IT AND I SAY IT OUTLOUD EVERYDAY TO PEOPLE IN MY COLLEGE CLASS AND ALL THEY DO IS PROVE PEOPLE IN COLLEGE CLASS CAN STILL BE IMMATURE JERKS. AND IVE LEARNED ALL THE LINES AND IVE LEARNED HOW TO MAKE MYSELF AND MY APARTMENT LESS LONELY BY SHOUTING EM ALL. 2 HOURS INCLUDING WIND DOWN EVERY MORNING. THEN I LIFT

THIS IS HOW YOU BECOME A HUMAN WEAPON LIKE RIDDICK

341
The Flood / lol rocketman has eye herpes
« on: November 18, 2014, 09:28:36 PM »
lol

342
Serious / Alright bitches, it's time for some Realpolitik
« on: November 18, 2014, 08:39:04 PM »
Let's say the US allies with either Russia or China, creating a new superpower tag-team.

How fucked is the rest of the world?

343
The Flood / I have 36 tabs open in safari
« on: November 18, 2014, 05:19:04 PM »
Help

344
The Flood / So Taurus made a curved gun
« on: November 18, 2014, 04:04:36 PM »
http://www.gunsandammo.com/first-look/taurus-curve-380-pistol/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=taurus-curve-380-pistol



>Tfw can't buy a handgun in NC until you're 21

>tfw this is taurus anyway so the QC is probably awful

345
The Flood / Tfw being Jim
« on: November 18, 2014, 02:53:54 PM »

346
The Flood / Tfw no fascist gf
« on: November 18, 2014, 01:47:02 PM »

;_;

347
The Flood / >tell mom i want the holiday oreos
« on: November 18, 2014, 12:24:51 PM »
>she brings back normal oreos
>tell her I specifically wanted holiday ones
>she says it's the same thing
>wait until she goes to sleep
>take the oreos, twist them apart, spell out FUCK YOU BITCH on the kitchen ceiling
>go to bed
>wake up at 3pm like usual
>go into kitchen, oreos are cleaned up and there's a new package of holiday oreos sitting on the counter

that's right, bitch. you know who runs this house.

348
The Flood / Can anyone tell me the legality of an idea I'm stealing?
« on: November 18, 2014, 07:49:12 AM »
So I stole this idea:

What if I make cheapo zipguns, costing less than $10 each, making sure they are legally considered firearms, and then I hand them in at gun buybacks for a profit? It could be a really fun idea.

349
The Flood / for real though
« on: November 17, 2014, 10:45:40 PM »
im not door.

Now, yeah, door and I have been making an effort to make it look that way, but I'm really not.

I don't even have any background on Bnet or whatever. I just go to class with Door and he got me to sign on here.

You fucking faggots.

350
The Flood / An Open Letter To Dustin
« on: November 17, 2014, 10:36:48 PM »
Dear Dustin,

Please stop raping Sparky. He a good boy. He din do nuffin. That poor cat has showed you love and affection on a level only a family member can. And what do you do to repay him? You beat him, and you starve him, and you burn him, and you torture him. Worst of all, you rape him. This is completely unacceptable. Please stop raping Sparky.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen

351
The Flood / all of you
« on: November 17, 2014, 10:23:10 PM »
literally all of you is bitches

352
The Flood / I just feel like I should point this out...
« on: November 17, 2014, 10:18:14 PM »
Is nobody else getting a laugh out of the fact that people are acting like autists, in a thread made by an autist, about another autist?

353
The Flood / HAPPY BDAY KINDER
« on: November 17, 2014, 10:13:17 PM »



354
The Flood / ITT: I Shill for The One True Desticle
« on: November 17, 2014, 09:07:09 PM »
YouTube


YouTube


YouTube


YouTube


YouTube


YouTube


YouTube

good goy

355
The Flood / I'm fucking done with this faggot-ass forum.
« on: November 17, 2014, 08:42:03 PM »
See you later, shitbirds.

356
http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-29678989

Your hope is gone. Your hope has been gone. You have no hope and your countrymen choose to make it that way.

357
America would be the world's largest producer of biofuels.

Just saying.

358
The Flood / >tasked with retrieving printer paper
« on: November 16, 2014, 07:23:16 PM »
>told to find it in boss's office
>go to office, nobody is in there
>see boss's printer
>steal the stack of paper from inside his printer and return

360
The Flood / Post YFW Moot got Cuck'd
« on: November 16, 2014, 05:01:03 PM »

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