Quote from: Assassin 11D7 on December 03, 2014, 08:18:16 PM

Don't know if this would help you at all, but life isn't justified in worth because of where it ends, what really matters is what's made of it while it is.

That's the thing for me. I don't want to be remembered or leave a mark, nor a spectacular life. I just want a quiet house in the countryside that can generate its own energy and be more or less sealed from the outside world and just live a peaceful life. Not skydiving and shit.

Let her ride on your shoulders, then you might be able to smell whether she's wet.

This is just going to be a rant thing, but it something in doing more for myself than anyone else. If you're not going to actually contribute anything then please don't bother, because in seriously not in the mood. I don't expect anyone to read this, but I'll probably be deleting this by tomorrow regardless.

Alright, well I gues one thing people should know about me is that I don't like putting my problems on other people. I don't tell people anything about me because I don't want them worrying for something that doesn't involve them and I get annoyed when people request information on how my day was and etc. I'm that person who doesn't want anything for Christmas or any birthday celebrations because I don't want people wasting their money on me. So the fact I'm doing this is sort of a sign of weakness for me but its something I feel I need to do.

But another thing I sometimes get is these spurts where I just suddenly get all depressive and sad for a while. It tends to happen when I'm in deep thought as I just believe that life in general is shit.

Spoiler

Read BC's there'd for that. But essentially I just don't see what is worth living for right now. Nothing major is happening in terms of space exploration and my view is that I'm unlikely to be alive when we start making useable fusion reactors and spacecraft and shit, which heavily depresses me. As far as I'm concerne the world is just getting shittier every day

In general, I end up thinking dark thoughts and stuff which I realise probably isn't healthy. But I've come to realise that if my family was killed, I wouldn't care. I would be able to take someone's life if it was necessary and that everything dies, so there's no point trying to fight it. But recently these kinds of thoughts are becoming more and more common, until a couple of days ago I accidentally cut my finger on a knife while making a sandwich. Nothing major, just essentially a paper cut but I realised just how sharp the knife was and realised how easy it would be to slit someone's throat with it. Which I recognise is not a healthy mindset, when walking into a room, you're immediately analysing why you could use as a makeshift weapon or what you would do if you were forced to defend yourself. [Yeah. Yeah. Le epic crawling and all that. I know this sounds as fedora as all holy hell.]

The other thing that constantly occupies my mind more permanently is my resentment of other people, being around other people and the fact that I do not trust anyone. I can name five people I trust outright- two of them friends since as long as I can remember, one because he doesn't really care but he listens to what I say and the other two are people I know from the Internet. And only one of them I have ever trusted with this kind of thing- I was very tempted to make an alt for this but decided not to bother. But I basically have an inherent distrust. I can't accept good things happening, or people wanting to be a friend because I imagine people like I am- and I become friends with most people because it will benefit me later on. Because I can gain an advantage from them, so I view people as doing the same to me, hence why I cannot trust many people. I should also note at this point that I do not trust any of my family with details regarding my personal life. I have little respect for my father, I like my mother but she massively overreacts and I don't know anyone else well enough to trust with stuff, which I believe is why I need to make this thread on the Internet, where I am ultinately just some dude on a keyboard. The anonymity of the Internet means I find it easier to trust with my own stuff than other IRL people. When forced to be in large groups, I become anxious and disoriented as there is too much going on and too many sounds and it ends up overwhelming, and I need to sit down in a quiet empty place to recuperate.

I guess that leads on to writing. Although I enjoy world building, I know that I'll likely never make it as a writer because I'm shit. But for me, it was never about a job or anything. It was simply about creating something to actually work for. Because I am just bored. Of everything. If life in general. To me, it's just a routine. School, eat. Sleep repeat. Nothing interesting is happening. So I make things up. I create this fantasy world where I can tie in my knowledge of real science (This was the only reason I picked A Level physics btw) to something I create. I can-for four or five hours between school and sleep- just immerse myself in this works and forget how shit and boring the real world is. It's the same reason why I poured over 1,000 hours into Skyrim in a few weeks, or why I have 100% completion of both 'new' Fallout games, read every codex entry in Mass Effect and read the books on Halo and joined a website just for talking about the story. It's why I play video games, read books, watch films and TV. Because my world view is that everything you do is just procrastinating until your body gives up and dies. Only thing is that a couple hundred years ago, you could find a side quest fairly easily by wandering out into the wilderness, putting up a fence and building your own house and growing crops. Now it's just spending hours on a job so you can buy basic food and a house so you can do your job and everything you care about eventually is kicked out of the back door and forgotten. It's the reason I don't do any schoolwork at home; I need something to do like writing or I lose motivation for everything. I lose motivation and I just stop and life just becomes a pointless maze that you can't actually escape, and that's when I begin wondering what the point of bothering is anyway, when you can't trust the government or banks to actually make sure what little you have is worth something. I'm just stuck in this endless train of thought as I go from one thought to another. Especially when I constantly add that I likely cannot get into anything I want to do; physics? I'm bad at maths (Teachers keep me on the course because I'm interested. That's it) and writing/ indie games are a slim chance at best, with landing a job at the likes of 343i even lower. I just.. Don't know what to do and I feel that I genuinely need some advice.

For those who were there on the offsite I was a mod, I made a thread saying I would step down if people wanted me to. However, I never saw what happened because it got nuked.


Anyone remember what the votes were leaning towards? I was wondering.

Quote from: LecomingBegend on December 03, 2014, 06:13:50 PM

Quote from: Yutaka on December 03, 2014, 06:12:02 PM

Quote from: Sento on December 03, 2014, 06:11:06 PM

Quote from: Yutaka on December 03, 2014, 06:09:08 PM

Quote from: Sento on December 03, 2014, 06:08:15 PM

Quote from: Yutaka on December 03, 2014, 06:04:58 PM

I prefer using pixiv to look at artist's works.

Isn't that just moonspeak?

Yep, doesn't mean I can't find good art there, the amount of talent in it is phenomenal.

I suppose.
Usually the stuff I'd be searching for there ends up on other sites.

I just save links to artists whose art I like, so I can return to it later.

Top right +Watch

On Pixiv?

Everytiem I post, I feel left out and unloved

It seems like everyone hates me

Plz give me some warm hugs in this thread ;__;

Check the new rules everyone <.<

R34 is not allowed outside of Anarchy.

Quote from: Sento on December 03, 2014, 06:11:06 PM

Quote from: Yutaka on December 03, 2014, 06:09:08 PM

Quote from: Sento on December 03, 2014, 06:08:15 PM

Quote from: Yutaka on December 03, 2014, 06:04:58 PM

I prefer using pixiv to look at artist's works.

Isn't that just moonspeak?

Yep, doesn't mean I can't find good art there, the amount of talent in it is phenomenal.

I suppose.
Usually the stuff I'd be searching for there ends up on other sites.

I just save links to artists whose art I like, so I can return to it later.

I do, I just really browse the site though, I don't have much in my favourites.

Nope but there is some nice art on there.

Are you an ass or a tits man?