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« on: October 23, 2014, 01:39:25 AM »
I think its safe to say that many man struggle with this insecurity.
And I would give a lot to be one of those men, who has no reason to really think this.
But I’m different, and I feel my insecurities are legitimate…
I have been thinking about making this post for a long time; I can think of no better place to go.
Our minds are alike, and we are seeking a better, more meaningful life.
So if any of you care to hear my story, I would truly be grateful to hear your thoughts.
I’m a 22 year old male, and I’m a very happy person.
But there is one thing that has plagued me my entire life. I feel that it is my biggest battle, and i don’t know how to fight it anymore.
I was born with epispadias.
Epispadias is a rare penile condition, in which the urethra does not exit the end of the penis, and instead comes out somewhere else. As a result, I spent much of my childhood in the hospital, undergoing 7 separate operations.
I don’t remember much of it. But i was confused and scared.
Now, I am mostly functional. However, i cannot ejaculate, my penis is ugly and covered in scars, bent and i have no sensation on a third of it. And honestly these things bother me the least… The penis was never a beautiful organ to begin.
But what truly plagues me, is the size of my penis.
I measure at a little under 3 and half inches.
I can have sex, and have had sex with multiple loving and accepting partners.
But my insecurities get in the way of my completely enjoying it.
I can’t kiss a girl while I’m making love to her, I’m to small. I can’t spoon or tangle up with her. I feel like i am missing out on so much, and despite the fact that i have been loved and accepted for the way i am, i am so insecure about my sexual inability and dysfunction that i can barely enjoy sex even while I’m having it.
My thoughts falter from being in the moment and trying to work with what i have, to feeling ashamed and pathetic. I feel that the girl is only doing this for me, that she’s not enjoying it too. Which turns me off, i do not want to be pitied, i don’t want to be given sex, i want to have a mutual experience. I want to please her as much as she pleases me.
But i feel that i will never be able to do that the way i am..
Now don’t get me wrong, i know i can please a girl.
One thing that this disorder has taught me, is how to use the other tools you have.
But what i truly want, is to make love to someone. To dissolve the boundaries between us and find each other and explore each other. And i feel that i cannot truly do this the way i am…
For years i tried tons of variations of penis enlargement, hoping this would cure my insecurities. None of them worked. Even penis exercises, which i believe are a legitimate way to grow your penis. There are many forums and many success stories, i don’t think its a hoax. But for some reason it never really worked for me. And while i was doing it, i hated it, every minute of it. It felt like i just wanted to get it over with, i didn’t want to put in the work.
It was only about a year ago, after desperately trying everything i could for 5 years, that i gave up… almost. I still have this dwindling hope that maybe one day ill go back to it and it will work. But about a year ago, i stopped doing the exercises and focused on becoming better in every other way i could.
But now, i wonder:
Is my answer to accept who i am, how i am, and to accept the love thats given to me?
Or is this perhaps a reason for me to focus on other things, to find myself outside of sex before trying to accept that into my life?
Or is it possible, that through manifestation and perhaps a more meditative approach, i can grow my penis, for its what i desire, as long as i keep a loving and present tense perspective?
Or is there perhaps another question i should be asking?
For anyone that has made it this far, thank you so much for your time, and any of your thoughts or insights to the matter would be truly a blessing.
Love and light to you all.
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