October 6, Earth Science class. It seemed to be a normal enough day. As usual, everyone in class was either taking obsessive-compulsive notes or was in a zombie-like daze of boredom. The teacher, off on her random, irreverent tangent, was paying little attention to my row.

The boy next to me turns his head. "Want to hear a joke?"he asked nonchalantly. "Sure." I answered, figuring it would be innocent enough.

Little did I know this joke would change my life forever.

"What did the injured cats say to each other?" "I don't know." I replied, eager to cut to the chase. "Me-owch."

There was a brief moment of silence, in which the sheer shittiness of the joke settled in. No-one in the room could believe a jest that abhorrent could be spawned on our fair earth. It felt as if claws of stupidity were tearing at my mind.

Suddenly, the girl behind me committed suicide on the spot. Full scale riots broke out over the tri-state area, with murders, looting, and rape. Cries of "How could that punchline be so horrible? What god would allow this?" could be heard as people lept from rooftops. The Me-owch riots had begun.

The area had to be carpet-bombed by the Air force in order to quell the riots and make sure no traces of the horrid humor escaped the infected area. The entire state of New York was quarantined, and everything we ever held dear was either bombed or destroyed by the insipid setup and punchline.

A little girl next to me said she believed things couldn't possibly get worse. When her brother heard the joke, he ate their mother, burned down their house and killed himself.

Suddenly, the sounds of a million infants shrieking pierced the air. A hundred armed demon with a thousand unpronounceable names rose from a fissure in the earth. "I have been summoned to your meager plane from the horror of the unspeakable humor. I Gorros*lejldkrakish'urtszar, the aberration who was never meant to be, shall now devour the universe."spoke the horror with it's three-hundred maws.

"Good going." I said to the boy, who had miraculously survived up to this point. "How was I supposed to know the joke would summon a nameless horror from the beginning of time?" "Me-owch?!" I shouted, rage in my voice. "What good did you possibly believe could come of that!"

Gorros*lejldkrakish'urtszar devoured the universe and shat it out as a cosmic dung pile. The end.

The moral of this story is to not use jokes from shitty juvenile jokebooks.

I am currently a student taking a biology night course with a very unique individual. I trust most of you are familiar with the "furry" fandom. Well, as it turns out, this particular gentleman sitting on my right is quite the avid fursuiter. He's a very quiet person, seemingly dull in his silence. He never makes eye contact, or pays attention to the professor, yet he always seems to be fervently scrawling something into his binder. I had no warning for this, nor am I even now completely sure why this happened, but during one particularly boring lecture, as I sat staring at the corner of my desk, aimlessly tapping my pencil against the cheap wooden frame, I felt a gentle tug on the sleeve of my sweatshirt.

I turned to see him leering at me through his circular-framed, quarter-inch thick glasses. For a moment there was silence, until he feverishly began to gesture towards his now visible notebook. What I saw upon the page, was the startlingly accurate likeness of my face, portrayed as the head of some sort of anthropomorphic animal. Unfortunately I also witnessed the erratic smears of what appeared to be ejaculate across the page. As I sat, taken aback by this curious, blurred rendition of myself, I felt his constant, wide-eyed stare continue to bore into my face.

 Just about that time, the sharp ring of the bell brought the chilling moment to a temporary reprieve. I looked away and gathered my things as quickly as possible, and, at a brisk walk, left the classroom without looking back.

My sister (she's 18) came home with her boyfriend last Saturday. Both plastered out of their minds, they struggled to even make it through the corridor of the house to her room (which happens to be right next to mine).

So, after about ten minutes I can clearly hear them fucking. It's some hot, steamy shit going in there, I can tell by the moaning. Thankfully, my parents are out of town for the weekend. God forbid they should witness their lovely daughter acting all hedonistic like this.

Anyway, shit dies down after about forty minutes. I then hear her boyfriend's creepy snore. It's like Jack Nicholson exhaling smoke through his belly, get the idea? So, being the dirty little pervert that I am (and because I forgot my phone in her room), I sneak inside and can see them both still on top of each other, sleeping like angels in the light of the lamp. As I come closer, I notice something on my sister's cheek. It's cum, and it's LOADS of it.

Discuss the times you have heard family members getting their freak on.

99% of you have no concept of what reality is like because you sit on the computer acting tough all day and IRCing with internet 'friends'

anyways, the ignorance label i'm giving you all stems from the fact that damn near all of you say 'faggot' and variations of the "n-word"

could you worthless, pathetic individuals be any more lame? i bet all of you who say 'faggot' have never actually met a real homosexual person and as such have no idea of how hateful that word can be and really is.

seriously, lambasting a whole group of people whom you have never had any contact with because of what they do in the privacy of their own homes THAT DOESN'T EVEN AFFECT YOU? wow sounds great! not.

now as for the "n-word," that's even more lame to say because none of you morons can even fathom what that word entails and all the hatred and history behind it. maybe it's just me because i'm from the south, but nevertheless you shouldn't say something just to look 'cool'

how about you all stop making such hateful remarks and just try to not be ignorant for a week!

Personally, I listen to all kinds of music. I have a soft spot for 90's Emo music, Screamo, Chillstep, some Dubstep (particularly Knife Party), Psychedelic Trance, New Retro Wave, Retro Sci-Fi Synth and Electronic/Techno music, though.

Guess what, fatties? Fat People Hate isn't some secret society. We aren't the dregs of society come together to "make fun of people [and I use that word loosely] behind their backs". Do you really want to know who we are?

We are...

your coworkers

your customers

your clients

your vendors

your servers

your service providers

your babysitters

your acquaintances

your friends

your best friends

your cousins

your siblings

your parents

your children

and many, many more.

We aren't some mystical beings that congregate to "talk shit about people behind our computers". We are the general public. We can't say the shit we say out in public because we care about not getting fired or perhaps kicked out of public places.

Don't think for one moment that we are some special breed of person full of hate, oh no. We are everywhere. We are everyone -- everyone who isn't a fucking hambeast thinks and feels the exact same way.

When you're out in public and you see a thin person and you think they're judging you, guess what? You're right. We do judge you. Constantly. If you walk into a store and your stomach has been inside the building a good ten minutes before your face gets in, you're god damn right me and everyone else is judging you for the lazy, greedy, fat piece of organ-murdering shit you are.

When we see a fat person, "even" someone who "only" has 30 pounds to lose, the immediate thought that pops into our heads is "fat". That is all we can see, because that is all that you are. Not only do you no longer resemble the human form and thus cross into Uncanny Valley territory, but you are a drain on the economy, on healthcare, and on our personal fucking space. And we hate you. We all hate you. This is not a secret society. This is a place we can go to bitch together about the shit we already bitch about amongst our thin friends who understand our hate and our complaints, and who feel the exact same way.

You are a parasite. You are a plague. You are everything wrong with society. You made a choice that not only negatively affects yourself, but also your kids, your family, your friends, and strangers. And you don't care. You don't care enough about even your own kids to try to be a human fucking being. You are disgusting. You are worthless.

We want you to know that no matter where you go, no matter how many of us may smile at you in passing, no matter how many of us speak kindly to you throughout the day... you disgust us. You always have and you always will, until you finally get your shit together and realize there is more to life than Coke and cake.

We are judging you. All the time. Never forget that.

I will relay the truth concerning the Chernobyl Disaster, the physics of waves, colour and radioactivity, and a series of popular myths concerning Native Americans, birds, and sunglasses. In essence, everything you've learned in school is wrong; for decades a thick veil of lies has been formed around you, thoroughly indoctrinated through any formal education you've received, the more the worse. In fact, I can safely inform you that radiation has almost nothing to do with nuclear energy, and bears little of the known danger characteristics.

 Radioactivity is in fact, the activity of radios, the presence of radio waves in the air. Ripples in the fabric of the universe around you. As you may know, radio waves are considered long wavelengths of light, so long that you cannot see it. This is untrue, and the sight of them are simply blocked by a surgical incision at birth. The effect of these surgeries can be negated however, most effectively with LSD and marijuana, hence the government's reasoning for illegalizing the drug.

 Green wavelengths are the easiest to see, and this is because it is by far the most dangerous, but also the most effective at controlling an innocent citizen. When you think you are hearing radio, you're really not. The thoughts and sounds are planted directly into your brain, wavelengths that leech onto your brain, in exactly the same way with all the people around you. Some stay for longer than others, and the time it takes to decay fifty percent is known as the half-life.

Sometimes they bounce off your head, and this is why people sometimes disagree slightly about a word or two. And sometimes still, the waves will entirely mess up your brain for a finite amount of time, with a very long half-life; this is what causes a certain song or melody "sticking to your brain". If this happens, it is obviously very dangerous, which is why the governments also have restrictions on radioactivity.

For instance, the reason for some radio stations changing frequency ever so slightly is that the activity on a specific frequency has become too much, and is potentially fatal. In countries such as the Soviet Union where there was no order or control from the government, situations can occur that five stations are broadcasting the greenest of wavelengths from the same frequency, and the Chernobyl disaster happens. Because of the high altitude at the tip of the Chernobyl reactors, the waves had a lot of space to be dangerous. With less air the concentration of waves can increase, and destroy entire settlements.

At first, the pressure breaks any windows of the Chernobyl establishment, and penetrates the outer houses to reach the benzene tanks around the reactors, putting it all aflame and causing a great large explosions with a sudden burst of green waves, causing people to go blind and have miscarried or even handicapped children; the occasional extra arm or alike. Green waves are the hardest to avoid, but something dark can stop a lot of activity, which is why sunglasses are intuitively cool, our instincts are telling us that they're well protected and good to mate with.

The color red can also block a lot of radioactivity, which is why the amount of radio music heard increases during Christmas time, the government has to in order to compensate for all the elf caps. What's also good to block radioactivity, is feathers. Evolution has long since given feathers to birds that live in high altitudes with a lot of waves, even before humans, because the sun also gives off a lot of radio waves. The worst thing about this lie is that even the simplest of humans were aware of it, the Native Americans. They put hats of feathers on their most important tribe members to preserve their mind, so that their decisions remain clear and wise.

I can't wait to be attracted to other guys. Ha ha. Wouldn't it be hilarious if I found another guy's genitals to be sexually arousing. That would be sooo weird, like if I just wanted to gently massage their balls while I sucked their shiny, vascular, thrilling penises? That would really be a trip man! What a weird world it would be if I actually desired a guy's gentle touch on my shoulder as he guided his throbbing cock into my quivering butthole. Ha ha. What a friggin' crazy hypothetical scenario.

So you think I'm a white knight, or in other words, a badass from medieval times whose prowess in combat was only matched by his chivalry? You know, chivalry? The code of conduct whereby men who actually treat women with respect and defend them from misogynistic jerks like the people who think I'm a white knight? The time when men did not feel they were obligated to leer at and make unsolicited comments towards women? The time when men put effort into wooing instead of forcing themselves onto women? The time when people actually think before paying a woman a compliment instead of blurting out something perverted like "I want my cock in your ass"?

Yeah you know what? I'm okay with that...

Post the edgiest video and quote you can find. I'll start.


"Reddit"

I'm pretty sure my roommate is the mysterious hacker known as 4chan, and I'm pretty fucking scared
>be me yesterday
>class ended early so I head home
>get home early and walk to my room
>hear roommate in his room talking loudly
>he must not know I'm home
>probably just singing to his music or something
>listen a little longer and realize he isn't singing
>says some weird computer stuff
>"I'll make a GUI using Visual Basic to trace their IP"
>shit sounds foreign to me but I know it can't be good
>bust into his room and am shocked
>he has his back turned to me so I can see his computer
>he's typing really fast in green words on an all black background
>ohfuckwhatdoesthatmean.filename
>see in big letter at the top of the screen "hack_celebrity_pictures.exe"
>oh no
>he turns around and looks at me
>I can only see his eyes and mouth through his ski mask
>ohshitthisisbad.jaypeg
>he yells "GET THE FUCK OUT"
>slam his door and rush into my room
>lock the door so he can't get to me
>remember I have a computer in my room
>he could probably hack that into to get to me
>throw it out the window
I'm posting this on my laptop right now. I think I'm safe using this because it has something called AVG which basically makes it hacker proof. I'm really scared right now. He's really good with computers and I'm afraid he might find a way to hack the lock on my door

you people are the most contradictory, immature, disease infected sons of bitches ive never met in my entire life. with the exception of a few, i would never do anything to help you. if you were dying of thirst i would spit in your mouth and bitch-slap you. if you needed a ride, id hit you with my car, back up and do it again. if you needed directions, id send you straight to hell. if you were held hostage, id call in SEAL team 6, fast rope from a Blackhawk just to tell you "no, i dont know that feel bro", then go back in the chopper and go home to sleep soundly to the thoughts of your beheading and subsequent video posting on liveleak. if you were fighting 1k Agent Smiths, id get some popcorn and enjoy your beatdown. if you had a headache, id carve our your eyeballs with a rusty spoon and skull-fuk you while saying singing the cupcake song.

"Does master want Suiseiseki to give him a footrub-desu?" she purred.
"No thank you," I said. "I'm rather tired. You should retire to your box."
"But master-sama, Suiseiseki doesn't like her box-desu! I want to sleep in master-sama's bed-desu!"
"Not tonight. You'll do as you're told."
"Why doesn't master-sama have real girls in his bed?"
"What?!"
"Is master-sama's penis too small for real girls?"
"Why aren't you saying desu?"
"Does he have to use dolls instead?"
"SAY DESU! SUISEISEKI FINISHES HER SENTENCES WITH DESU!"
"Master-sama showed Suiseiseki his penis once."
"DESU! MASTER-SAMA SHOWED SUISEISEKI HIS PENIS ONCE DESU!"
"It was too small even for dolls."
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! YOU'RE NOT SUISEISEKI!"

With my right hand I snatched a pair of scissors from my desk and mashed them continually into her face. Her little body was smashed into kindling but I did not stop. Until her screams began to sound a bit like my voice, and I remembered that dolls did not scream, and they did not bleed. Suddenly there was feeling in my left hand for the first time in weeks. I lifted it out of the doll's wreckage, covered in splinters and dripping from scissored wounds. How long had my hand been inside there? How long had I been inside here, alone in my one-room apartment, talking to myself, going mad?

The bolt scraped rust from the latch as I stepped outside. My eyes hurt, god the horizon ... it was a deal larger than 19 inches diagonally. But after five steps my breath quickened and my chest tightened and I turned back. Enough for today. Tomorrow I would try for six. A distant memory told me that when I reached two hundred and eighty, I would make it to the bus stop. And then I'd be free of this apartment, of this prison. And then there'd be nowhere in the world I couldn't go.

Least of all the refunds counter at Moemart in Akihabara. For fuck's sake. Suiseiseki finishes her sentences with desu.

Actor/Musician Will Smith, Dead At 46 Wednesday, September 12th, 2014 Posted: 16:32 EST (21:32 GMT)

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (AP) -- Will Smith, the famous actor and musican, has died late Sunday night in his home town of Philadelphia.

Smith, 37, was killed in a car accident late in the evening. Smith was stuck by a taxi cab while speaking with his wife Jada Pinkett Smith, the cab was speeding and came onto the sidewalk striking Smith and throwing him face first against the windshield. Smith was killed instantly.

One eyewitness who will remain nameless stated "The last thing he saw was the dice on the mirror".

"This is a long sad day for us." Wayne Phillips Philadelphia chief of police said.

Will Smith was the second of four children of Caroline and Willard Smith Sr. He grew up in middle class West Philadelphia and got the nickname 'Prince' because of the way he could charm his way out of trouble. Pursuing music, he met Jeff Townes at a party and they soon began performing together as DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. After his music sales stated to slide Will began an acting career on the hit TV Show "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Will basically played himself; a street-smart West Philly kid transplanted to Beverly Hills. The series lasted 6 years. During that time, he ventured into movies where the critics took note of him. In 1996 he had a huge hit with the Blockbuster Independence Day where he played the alien-battling Marine Corps Captain Steven Hiller.

The accident was a hit and run and the perpetrator is still at large. According to eyewitnesses the license plate on the vehicle said "FRESH"

Phillips said "It's a really sad moment for us."

Yes, I am a nebula. So? I don't see the problem. I learned to embrace my inter-galactic gases long ago and am happy with my boy friend (Who isn't a cute b/r quasar btw). We have a fucking lot of friends in and outside of the universe and I'm pretty gassy and shiny. But thanks anyway asshole. Have fun with your puny solar system while I create new stars with my QUASAR!!