Good evening Sapphire (-blam!- you non-North Americans, particularly Australia). As many of you have noticed, Harlow suggested that I host a weekly program where I "roast the person in Sapphire who made the biggest ass of themselves in the last week." While I'm already on a semi-tight schedule with finals coming up, this seems like a fun idea for me to try out so I'm deciding to give this a shot. It can't be any more of a failure than Sapphire's Smash tournament. I think that if I'm gonna start this, I should start off strong. Let's begin.

Let's start off with a little backstory. Less than two weeks ago, Harlow posted a rare thread requesting emotional support from Sapphire. When I say rare, I mean rare. There is nothing that can break this man. Rumor has it that if you come across him in person, you can see confidence just pouring out of all of his pockets. It's also suspected that when he showers, he lathers his bowl cut with an exotic, magical shampoo that provides him the strength of a thousand Sheiks. Immediately, Sapphire came to his aid with words of encouragement with multiple members even contacting him personally to see what's wrong because when Harlow needs help, then something is very wrong.

A week later, Harlow decided to disclose what caused him to go in such a downward spiral as of late...Jay decided to cheat on Harlow not once, but twice. Not only did she do it twice, but she did it twice within the same week. Not only did she do it twice during the same week, but at least one of the people she cheated with was an 18 year old. Harlow is a grown man with many positive characteristics. He has a degree, can grow a full beard, a bowl cut that refuses to look bad after high school, and enough pockets to contain every wonderful memory they could've shared together in the future. Meanwhile, that 18 year old is probably struggling so much to earn his GED, probably impresses himself when he sees a tiny individual strand of hair in the mirror every morning, probably has his mom take him to Great Clips every few months, and, without a doubt, struggles to find an empty pocket to hide his low quality weed in whenever he hears his mother knocking on his bedroom door to check on why he's coughing so much. Poor kid, he needs a Mount420 in his life to help him out.

So far, we can conclude that Jay is a bonafide jackass. She cheated on a man that, despite being one of the most capable people to do so, did not cheat on you. He can pull hella girls left and right, but he didn't, he remained loyal to you instead. Normally when one cheats, it's with someone with something to offer that their current partner doesn't have...but this 18 year old kid doesn't have anything that Harlow hasn't already heard of and engaged with hundreds of times throughout the years, including an entire novel on each characteristic and back-and-forth letters with each author who originally discovered said characteristic. This kid doesn't have shit on Harlow and will never, in his life time, compare to him on any metric of evaluating a person's worth. But what does Jay do? She decides to ignore all of Harlow's greatness and decides to cuck herself out of the greatest man she will ever have in her life.

You really think she couldn't be any more of a shitty human being...but let's take a step back to Harlow's original plea for help. As mentioned earlier, many members of Sapphire came to Harlow's aid. On the top of the thread (as of this very moment), Jay's post stands out with a short and simple message... "I really love you"

...

You, lying, bitch.

You do not love Harlow, you are the reason why he was in the state he was in for the last couple of weeks. He gave you a gorgeous ring worth thousands of dollars from his pocket (though we will never know which one he stashes his money in). He gave you his loyalty, his love, and his trust. Yet there you were trying to save face in Sapphire as if the broken promise you made with Harlow five years ago wasn't the most important thing for you at the moment. Maybe instead of paying attention to your overstroked ego and your, to be quite honest, ridiculously overrated breasts whenever you took a selfie, you could've paid attention to how lucky you were to have such a great guy in your life. But no, you cheated on him with some 18 year old because clearly you're incapable of making the right decisions. Was that kid even capable of telling you what the powerhouse of the cell is, if asked on the spot? I bet not. Maybe after that post, you realized it was a good idea to stop lying, right?

No, apparently not. I decided to do some research and I checked out Jay's twitter account. It's filled with what you'd expect, bunch of social justice stuff. However, she also appears to be an active user of Ask.fm (link removed), which is used to anonymously ask questions to users on there for them to answer. There's a feature where the answers are automatically posted to twitter, so everyone following her on there can know the answer to any question she answers. Let's take a peek at a couple of the questions she answered in the past couple days, shall we?

 

Quote

What is the most important thing in a relationship?

either wanting things out of your partner that your partner can actually give, or learning to live with what your partner can give you even if it's not what you want.

Holy. Shit. Do you even know what you are saying right now? When you write, do you actually pay attention to they keys you press on your keyboard or do you literally shitpost so hard to the point where every shitpost ever made in Sapphire is put to shame? Hypocrisy at its finest. Boomer can call me a -blam!-boy as often as he wants, but Jay is past -blam!-boy at this point and I don't think it's possible to achieve that level of -blam!-ness.

 

Quote

why did you break up with mr harlow?

because I wasn't happy and I don't think he was either.

-blam!-ing dumbass. Tell your followers the truth. You didn't break up with him. You cheated on him, tricked Harlow to thinking the whole thing can be worked out, then cheated on him again. It's one thing to break up, but it's another thing to do what you did and then brush it off with "because I wasn't happy". Are you implying that you were happy hooking up with some kid who is just recently able to legally purchase a pack of cigarettes? Harlow had it all. Money, an education, the ability to inform people what the mitochondria is, and glory (in the Smash scene). This kid doesn't have jack shit. In a way, I can understand why you feel the need to lie to everyone now. You -blam!-ed up and you know it. Yet here I am, unsurprised that you continue to be a lying bitch to a bunch of people you've probably never met after being a lying bitch to the guy that gave you the entire world.

And there we have it folks. Sapphire's first ever Donkey of the Week is perhaps the biggest Donkey we will ever see in this program. Cheating on your husband with an 18 year old kid who is not that good. Lying to your husband with malicious intent. Cheating on your husband again. Lying to an entire group of people that once admired you and respected you. Lying to all ~9,000 of your twitter followers. Just one of these actions would qualify you for Donkey of the Week, but doing all of them at once makes you more than qualified to reach the top spot (Sorry Harlow) on the All Time Donkey Records.

First ever Donkey of the Week award goes to jaythenerdkid. Congratulations.