Steam reviews that make you LOL.

Nascent Email | Heroic Posting Riot
 
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EUIV:

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Sadly due to the rapidly globalized economy and world we live in, exploiting indigenous populations is not nearly as easy nor profitable as it used to be. But thanks to the fine people at Paradox Interactive, I can unleash the inner beast that resides within all white European christians and do my part for humanity. Once I get bored from ousting the filthy Turkomans from Constantinople (not giving it back to Byzantium because fuck orthodoxy Pope #1 forever get fucked bearded priests) I can turn my furious and just gaze across the atlantic and kill lots of savages (not my fault those filthy natives were living on Burgundian Florida). Soon the whole world will be swathed in burgundian colors, or all thats actually worth ruling (not ruling africa because africa and lots of zulu rebellions plus mosquitos).

This game is best played with a warm cup of Folger's coffee in your hands, so you can actually smell the oppression while you relive the greatest period of time of all time. The period when white people discovered the world, and decided they didnt like it.


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This is like Civ 5's hot older cousin who totally doesn't make sense until you get into bed with him. Whether or not you want to get out of said bed is, well, not up to you


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Lost my kids, wife, and job but I restored the Byzantine Empire to it's former glory.

10/10


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Awesome game and really realistic too! You can play Russia and annex the fuck out of Ukraine! Putin simulator 2014


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Be carful before you buy this. Make sure your ready to lose all your freinds, your job, your wife, everything you ever loved. This is an amazing game to play by yourself BUT if you have freinds it turns from 10/10 to 15/10.

The only con i can really think of is the fact that I dont have enough time to play this game.


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I enslaved most of the known world and committed mass cultural genocide. White man simulator 2014.

10/10 would oppress again


PS2:

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-First Day Reviews-

Journal Entry 1

I'm dropped into a large spacey looking corridor, I find myself inside a tube surrounded by a pulsey looking shield... I guess this is what grows me? mom?...no.... After exiting the shielded tube I am now in a room of commotion, 20+ other players are running by in a hurry to go somewhere. I find myself confused and really out of place, like the new guy starting a job and everyone else can't be bothered to explain... sort of a "get out of the way were busy here" vibe. Thats cool, ill just do my own thing!

Journal Entry 2

After exploring the first few rooms full of shiny lights and blinking consoles I've decided to head outside the structure. I looked at the doorway leading outside, I can hear horrid amounts of explosions and gunfire and machines moving around. Its quite intimidating... I see 8 troops running out the door into no mans land. I then look to my right hand side to witness a giant walking heavy mech person... my god its beautiful.... the faceplate is painted to look like something out of a Jason murder movie, he has duel Gatling guns on each arm. He stops and looks at me for a second, I suddenly feel like everything might just be alright. He turns and heads out the door.... Now... when I deployed I unknowingly chose a very very violent and war torn section of the map. I walked outside and my Jaw hit the floor in amazement.

Journal Entry 3

Upon leaving the safety of the structure I was now standing on the steel ledge overlooking the most large scale and violent battlefield I've seen in a FPS to date. Above me dozens of ships waged war on each other, firing rockets and lasers through the sky. A larger ship swoops down onto a hill in the back and unloads soldiers.... below me appears to be hundreds of men charging from this structure towards and equally large force of enemies. Dozens of tanks lined up on both fronts exchange fire while smaller armed Suv's and Quads blaze passed each others lines, exploding and fleeing.

Journal Entry 4

On my level, engineers are desperately repairing turrets and heavy walking mechs. Medics run frantically to revive the downed soldiers that litter the parapets. Mounted machine guns and rocket fire are so frequent that you don't even know who to start shooting at. Standing back from the battle I can only watch in complete amazement at the scale of this battle.

Journal Entry 5

Armed only with my small assault rifle I work up the courage to join the fight. I walk forward on to some type of holographic elevator that takes me straight down to the battle. I look up and can see that there is a large squad of men floating down the elevator behind me. We touch down on the ground and without warning everyone charges forward, I do the same, completely ignoring the tank shells and bullets flying past our heads. Its crowd mentality now, I am no longer thinking for myself I'm just following the flow of this ocean of soldiers.

Journal Entry 6

I can roughly guess that there is about 30 of us in a squad running up this field. The explosions are starting to lower that number significantly as we get closer to the enemy lines. I don't know the men around me but I feel safe knowing that im not alone. The flyers have now focused in on our squad and begin to rain down rockets from the sky, medics are not able to keep up with the casualties anymore, they have to run for their own lives. We finally reach cover behind a large rock, our numbers are now more like 9 or 10 after the charge. We have one heavy mech with 2 engineers constantly repairing him and a couple medics that are keeping everyone alive.

Journal Entry 7

Suddenly 3 guys are dropped from the group, it appears a sniper far off on a hill to the right has flanked our position. We can't run back and we can't run forward, we can only dance around like fish in a barrel dodging a mariners spear. I can hear one of the other guys open mic call out to a friend for support, within seconds 10 tanks roll over the snipers position and we safe once again. We are now down to 6 guys, we are really far from our lines and it doesn't appear that more reinforcements are coming to join us anytime soon.

Journal Entry 8

The guy with the open mic tells us that we need to try and flank the enemy lines and take out some of their snipers, he says that we are all more then likely going to die but at least we can make a dint. Well... its been a good run, time to go out and make a good last charge.

Journal Entry 9

We burst from our cover and charge the left side of the hill that is now considered the sniper's line. I'm not in slow motion but if I was I think id be yelling "FREEDOM". We clear the field losing only 1 guy to sniper fire, 5 of us charge the hillside and over the top. We were expecting to see a couple snipers that we could take out easily.... unfortunately there was about 60+ ground troops all crouched behind the hill, I think they were amping up for a big attack. so here is the 5 of us idiots standing at the top of a hill like scarecrows in a parking lot. The 60+ soldiers open fire and within the blink of an eye were all very dead and laying on the hill. Today I learn that being the hero is another mans game, ill stick to hiding in the back with a rocket launcher next time.

9/10
Last Edit: August 08, 2014, 11:56:45 AM by Trojanlord


 
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Urge to tear apart dumbed down for console plebs 2 again rising.


 
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More Than Mortal
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This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper.
All of those reviews just prove how God-tier EUIV is.


Nascent Email | Heroic Posting Riot
 
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All of those reviews just prove how God-tier EUIV is.

You should get it. I wanna get a sep7agon mulitplayer game going when some people have it.


Sprungli | Heroic Invincible!
 
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Damn I wish I had a PC


A Cheese Potato | Legendary Invincible!
 
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I liked the Dark Souls II one I saw that said something like "I got killed by 3 piglets faster than I got killed by a giant with a sword, 10/10


Mmmmm Napalm | Legendary Invincible!
 
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Just check out this guy's reviews.
http://steamcommunity.com/id/botrytis/recommended/
Last Edit: August 11, 2014, 08:53:11 PM by Mmmmm Napalm


Mmmmm Napalm | Legendary Invincible!
 
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